Anonymous
Post 03/26/2021 10:37     Subject: Wife not accepting my daughter how can I handle this situation
Anonymous wrote:You asked if anyone can explain where the second wife’s rage comes from.

I believe that it stems from the very basic instinct if territoriality. Your wife entered her marriage to you believing that she owned her space with you and did not have to share your attention with anyone else. Unfortunately, for her, she ignored the fact that you are a father with important obligations to your daughter who needs you very desperately right now. This territoriality is unlikely to dissipate in time. Your daughter may leave for college in a year or so, but your wife will always feel threatened by your daughter’s hold on you.


This is my take as well. This will always be an issue. I'd divorce her and get some therapy some therapy for you and your DD. Hugs and good luck.
Anonymous
Post 03/26/2021 10:29     Subject: Wife not accepting my daughter how can I handle this situation
Anonymous wrote:2nd marriage (she isn't an AP...) I was single for about 5 years after the divorce before I met 2nd wife. Married 2nd wife 7 years after the divorce. At the time I was estranged from my daughter because 1st wife wouldn't follow court ordered parenting agreement (I'd show up at appointed time and she wouldn't answer door, and court and police would not enforce the order). Eventually everything I told the judge would happen did happen (daughter tried suicide and hospital wouldn't let her go home to mom) so I got a different judge to give me full custody (it took that extreme situation for the court to listen).

Daughter moved in last year and 2nd wife has turned into a raging monster towards me and has given my daughter the silent treatment the whole time. Daughter is doing much better with me even with 2nd wifes behavior. 2nd wife seemed to be jealous of my daughter but that has turned into outright anger towards me. I'm considering divorce over it. I've spoken to daughter therapist about it and he says to dump the 2nd wife.

It is such an old trope (evil step mom) and I don't understand why she can't (doesn't want to be nice) to my kid. She is irrational about it at times and says crazy stuff like "this was your ex's plan all along to keep me from being happy"

Is there anyone out there who can explain where this crazy comes from? I guess I'd prefer to "fix" the problem rather than go through what I'm sure will be a nasty second divorce.


You don't have to pay a professional to tell you what is right in front of your face. This woman wanted to be remarried - you can either be stuck with this witch, at the price of your relationship with your flesh and blood daughter, or alienate your daughter and wait for this witch's other shoe to drop - because this is NOT the end of her demands.
Anonymous
Post 03/26/2021 10:28     Subject: Wife not accepting my daughter how can I handle this situation
Looks like the stepmothers have entered the chat!
Anonymous
Post 03/26/2021 10:25     Subject: Wife not accepting my daughter how can I handle this situation
I'll go against the grain and suggest a different approach. Your DD is 17 so she should be largely self-sufficient, it's not like a toddler that needs constant supervision. Could you set it up so that your daughter comes to you for everything (rides to wherever, you prepare meals to the extent that is necessary, etc.) so she's basically co-existing with your DW with minimal interaction. I get it that's not ideal but would something like that work? Then your DW can do what she needs to do and wouldn't feel burdened by the child. IMO aside from this large issue if things are good with the DW I wouldn't throw it away if there is a viable solution to get through the next year after which presumably your DD will go off to college.

Also, how does the conversation go with your current DW, what does she say are her issues with the current arrangement? Can you resolve any of them?
Anonymous
Post 03/26/2021 09:40     Subject: Wife not accepting my daughter how can I handle this situation
Anonymous wrote:2nd marriage (she isn't an AP...) I was single for about 5 years after the divorce before I met 2nd wife. Married 2nd wife 7 years after the divorce. At the time I was estranged from my daughter because 1st wife wouldn't follow court ordered parenting agreement (I'd show up at appointed time and she wouldn't answer door, and court and police would not enforce the order). Eventually everything I told the judge would happen did happen (daughter tried suicide and hospital wouldn't let her go home to mom) so I got a different judge to give me full custody (it took that extreme situation for the court to listen).

Daughter moved in last year and 2nd wife has turned into a raging monster towards me and has given my daughter the silent treatment the whole time. Daughter is doing much better with me even with 2nd wifes behavior. 2nd wife seemed to be jealous of my daughter but that has turned into outright anger towards me. I'm considering divorce over it. I've spoken to daughter therapist about it and he says to dump the 2nd wife.

It is such an old trope (evil step mom) and I don't understand why she can't (doesn't want to be nice) to my kid. She is irrational about it at times and says crazy stuff like "this was your ex's plan all along to keep me from being happy"

Is there anyone out there who can explain where this crazy comes from? I guess I'd prefer to "fix" the problem rather than go through what I'm sure will be a nasty second divorce.


Counseling or divorce. And divorce may happen anyway given her complete lack of perspective.

I'd kick her out of the house this weekend for starters.
Anonymous
Post 03/26/2021 08:28     Subject: Wife not accepting my daughter how can I handle this situation
Anonymous wrote:I think we're in fairytale land again.



Yes. The one where only stepmothers are evil women.
Anonymous
Post 03/26/2021 08:27     Subject: Wife not accepting my daughter how can I handle this situation
Mr Too Little Too Late for everyone in his life.
Anonymous
Post 03/26/2021 08:27     Subject: Wife not accepting my daughter how can I handle this situation
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I can guarantee what is going on.

You bend over backwards to treat your DD with kid gloves to make up for lost time and because you feel guilty for all the years you didn’t really try all that hard to see her and for making her leave the only home she knew.

Go ahead divorce: But you will date again and the next woman will find you run into similar issues. It will be rinse and repeat.


This was my thought. The 17yr old is probably different when you weren't around. She probably puts blame on the second wife.


I work at home so I'm always around. Daughter doesn't complain about 2nd wife at all. Daughter mostly avoids here and stays in her room when wife is home. Wife is the one that complains to me. Its not what you are suggesting.


The next time your DD wants something say No and don’t cave. No matter how much whining or crying or guilting. Then see how quiet and “she stays in her room” happens 😂😂 Your DD resents you but see how easily she can manipulate with guilt and she is right. So she takes her anger out on your wife and is nasty towards your wife and makes sure to do it when you aren’t around. Do you honestly think your story is unique? I have seen this happen in friend’s families.

The problem is you are so arrogant that you actually believe you and your home are so amazing that you have not even stopped to think about it from your 17 yr old DD’s perspective. Here you are some stranger who didn’t even bother to try to hard when she was a kid and left everything on her mom. And she didn’t try and commit quicker because of her mom. Then when DD needed support you decided to swoop in and play hero and take her mom to court. Now DD has had to move to a new house and it’s not her “home”. Her home is where her bedroom is where she grew up. Her home is where her friends are. Stop being so arrogant and start realizing your view and your opinion are all that matter.

I am not on your wife’s side but I am just struck by how oblivious and dumb you are acting. Your DD is not perfect, your wife is not a monster and you are guilt ridden. Again you can get a divorce but your next relationship will run into the same issue, and the next relationship after that, and so on until you pay attention.


^^^^^^^

Anonymous
Post 03/26/2021 08:27     Subject: Wife not accepting my daughter how can I handle this situation
OP sounds helpless, clueless and hopeless, he might get served first.
Anonymous
Post 03/26/2021 08:25     Subject: Wife not accepting my daughter how can I handle this situation
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I can guarantee what is going on.

You bend over backwards to treat your DD with kid gloves to make up for lost time and because you feel guilty for all the years you didn’t really try all that hard to see her and for making her leave the only home she knew.

Go ahead divorce: But you will date again and the next woman will find you run into similar issues. It will be rinse and repeat.


This was my thought. The 17yr old is probably different when you weren't around. She probably puts blame on the second wife.


I work at home so I'm always around. Daughter doesn't complain about 2nd wife at all. Daughter mostly avoids here and stays in her room when wife is home. Wife is the one that complains to me. Its not what you are suggesting.


Don't listen to these crazy people they are just mean 2nd wives who judge their H's parenting.
Anonymous
Post 03/26/2021 08:24     Subject: Wife not accepting my daughter how can I handle this situation
He said he was first aware of the kids depression at the divorce 7 years ago. Who knows what the home life was before that...
Anonymous
Post 03/26/2021 08:24     Subject: Wife not accepting my daughter how can I handle this situation
OP why did you even bother posting on DCUM?

If the issue involves a stepmom it is always her fault and she needs to be dumped.

So dump her.

There, advice session over. Saves everyone a lot of typing.

Next?
Anonymous
Post 03/26/2021 08:22     Subject: Wife not accepting my daughter how can I handle this situation
Suicide talk is often a cry for attention and help. How many years has this been going on?

Did you EVER tell your new wife about your teen’s mental health issues? Has a neuropsychologist been done or is anxiety and depression first order conditions (like her environment/ parents/ divorce situation)?
Anonymous
Post 03/26/2021 07:39     Subject: Wife not accepting my daughter how can I handle this situation
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I can guarantee what is going on.

You bend over backwards to treat your DD with kid gloves to make up for lost time and because you feel guilty for all the years you didn’t really try all that hard to see her and for making her leave the only home she knew.

Go ahead divorce: But you will date again and the next woman will find you run into similar issues. It will be rinse and repeat.


This was my thought. The 17yr old is probably different when you weren't around. She probably puts blame on the second wife.


I work at home so I'm always around. Daughter doesn't complain about 2nd wife at all. Daughter mostly avoids here and stays in her room when wife is home. Wife is the one that complains to me. Its not what you are suggesting.


The next time your DD wants something say No and don’t cave. No matter how much whining or crying or guilting. Then see how quiet and “she stays in her room” happens 😂😂 Your DD resents you but see how easily she can manipulate with guilt and she is right. So she takes her anger out on your wife and is nasty towards your wife and makes sure to do it when you aren’t around. Do you honestly think your story is unique? I have seen this happen in friend’s families.

The problem is you are so arrogant that you actually believe you and your home are so amazing that you have not even stopped to think about it from your 17 yr old DD’s perspective. Here you are some stranger who didn’t even bother to try to hard when she was a kid and left everything on her mom. And she didn’t try and commit quicker because of her mom. Then when DD needed support you decided to swoop in and play hero and take her mom to court. Now DD has had to move to a new house and it’s not her “home”. Her home is where her bedroom is where she grew up. Her home is where her friends are. Stop being so arrogant and start realizing your view and your opinion are all that matter.

I am not on your wife’s side but I am just struck by how oblivious and dumb you are acting. Your DD is not perfect, your wife is not a monster and you are guilt ridden. Again you can get a divorce but your next relationship will run into the same issue, and the next relationship after that, and so on until you pay attention.


WTF. The father/OP has literally said nothing about his daughter being perfect (She is, because she is his child and she is a human being, but that doesn't mean she doesn't make mistakes and can't improve or isn't stupid sometimes) or his home being amazing. There is no evidence to even suggest that OPs daughter is a spoiled brat or that her relationship with OPs wife is bad because she's manipulating the situation. What there is evidence for is a child with suicidal thoughts and emotional and health needs. Her health and welfare come FIRST. She is the child. The wife is the adult.

Yes, I get that it may have been a disappointment to the OP's wife that suddenly she was a FT parent and she didn't want to be. But her behavior is appalling.

Sorry, OP, this is a difficult time. Hugs, and best of luck to you and your daughter. And your wife, for that matter.
Anonymous
Post 03/26/2021 07:20     Subject: Wife not accepting my daughter how can I handle this situation
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I can guarantee what is going on.

You bend over backwards to treat your DD with kid gloves to make up for lost time and because you feel guilty for all the years you didn’t really try all that hard to see her and for making her leave the only home she knew.

Go ahead divorce: But you will date again and the next woman will find you run into similar issues. It will be rinse and repeat.


This was my thought. The 17yr old is probably different when you weren't around. She probably puts blame on the second wife.


I work at home so I'm always around. Daughter doesn't complain about 2nd wife at all. Daughter mostly avoids here and stays in her room when wife is home. Wife is the one that complains to me. Its not what you are suggesting.


The next time your DD wants something say No and don’t cave. No matter how much whining or crying or guilting. Then see how quiet and “she stays in her room” happens 😂😂 Your DD resents you but see how easily she can manipulate with guilt and she is right. So she takes her anger out on your wife and is nasty towards your wife and makes sure to do it when you aren’t around. Do you honestly think your story is unique? I have seen this happen in friend’s families.

The problem is you are so arrogant that you actually believe you and your home are so amazing that you have not even stopped to think about it from your 17 yr old DD’s perspective. Here you are some stranger who didn’t even bother to try to hard when she was a kid and left everything on her mom. And she didn’t try and commit quicker because of her mom. Then when DD needed support you decided to swoop in and play hero and take her mom to court. Now DD has had to move to a new house and it’s not her “home”. Her home is where her bedroom is where she grew up. Her home is where her friends are. Stop being so arrogant and start realizing your view and your opinion are all that matter.

I am not on your wife’s side but I am just struck by how oblivious and dumb you are acting. Your DD is not perfect, your wife is not a monster and you are guilt ridden. Again you can get a divorce but your next relationship will run into the same issue, and the next relationship after that, and so on until you pay attention.