Anonymous
03/18/2021 21:24
Subject: Help me untangle feelings about SIL
I would just keep up a civil and warm as possible relationship so she lets you be around your nephew. Don’t give gifts except at Christmas and birthdays. Don’t give advice.
Anonymous
03/18/2021 21:24
Subject: Re:Help me untangle feelings about SIL
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I would find it very annoying if someone 'advised' me how to play with my kid, unless I had asked for advice and ideas. You have a great game in mind? Feel free to engage and play with my child yourself.
Also, I don't like the people who shove an endless stream of gifts on you at every possible occasion, with the expectation that we should praise them for their 'generosity' and 'thoughtfulness' in return.
I feel bad for the person who is wasting their kindness on you. Yeah, what a PITA to be gracious and say thank you, because it makes the other person feel good. Basic kindness is just so tiresome.
It is not "kindness" to send people clutter they don't want or need, just because it makes YOU (the gift giver) feel better. I agree that OP's SIL should be gracious and say thank you, but if she has already expressed that gifts are not necessary, then OP should respect that and stop expecting others to flatter their compulsion.
This exactly. OP's real motives are to be given attention, appreciation, and inclusion in a family as she does not have one of her own. Instead of adapting to the social cues and direct asks she's been given, she's wallowing in her "tangled feelings." Unwanted gifts are burdens. Unwanted advice is obnoxious. Full stop.
This!
A child is a person and it is a process of choosing form all the world has to offer to HOW the parents want to raise a kid, and this is million of small things that they let into a Childs life. NOT every parent wants just ANY crap just because it is given and free.
Just lately someone on DCUM was complaining they gifted a video game to a teen who never had one
and the parents were NOT happy about it.
Hell YEAH!. If the kid did not have it they surely did not want it in the kid's life. And every gift
has an impact on a child.
So back off a little and truly follow their lead, don't try to parent their kid from behind.
If you want to give something to my child, ask. If you buy something, I will decide if t his goes to charity or into the child's hand. I tis not automated process , you give, I pass on.
Anonymous
03/18/2021 21:19
Subject: Help me untangle feelings about SIL
Anonymous wrote:So I am single and childless but I have worked for over a decade with young children. My brother and his GF had a surprise pregnancy and got married and had my nephew, now a toddler. I genuinely adore my SIL. She is so smart, kind and is a wonderful wife and mother. That said, I often feel like she doesn’t much care for me. Even though my brother is constantly asking me for parenting advice, when I offer even a small tip or idea to SIL she always either tells me why I am wrong or more often tells me that she already knows.
Example: They were going on a trip so I ordered some mini figurines of characters from nephews’ favorite show. I mentioned to her that a fun activity is to wrap little toys like these in several layers of aluminum foil so it takes him a long time to unwrap and he can rewrap and playing with the wrapper becomes it’s own activity. She said. “Yeah, we do that all the time.” I said “Oh I should have known you would know all the best toddler activities.” She said “That’s like the first thing that comes up when you google sensory activities.”
The other stress point is that I am a gift person. I love to shop for presents for others and spend a lot of time and energy trying to find nice things. Not only has SIL been kind of blasé about gifts in the past (e.g., I spent a lot of time choosing charms for a sterling silver charm bracelet symbolizing different milestones in her first year as a mom and she never even mentioned it until I asked if she had opened it yet). She recently sent a long email to all family members saying basically that they are not interested in getting random presents for my nephew and included a link to an online wish list of approved gift ideas. I get why they might not want a bunch of miscellaneous toys and presents for him, but a) everything on the list is very expensive (like they asked for organic cotton training pants that were $20 a pair) and b) I just can’t help feeling that it was basically a way of saying “your presents aren’t good enough.”
So: tell me how much of this is that I am being oversensitive of crazy and how much is real. And tell me what to do about it. Is there any point in discussing things with her? Do I just bite my lip?
Example: They were going on a trip so I ordered some mini figurines of characters from nephews’ favorite show. I mentioned to her that a fun activity is to wrap little toys like these in several layers of aluminum foil so it takes him a long time to unwrap and he can rewrap and playing with the wrapper becomes it’s own activity. She said. “Yeah, we do that all the time.” I said “Oh I should have known you would know all the best toddler activities.” She said “That’s like the first thing that comes up when you google sensory activities.”
What now OP? Why in heaven would you let a toddler play with aluminum foil??? That would do it for me
as far as your ignorance about child rearing. Do you have a concept of chocking? Kids take everything into their mouth and foil is a chocking hazard. Also it is NOT safe to play with aluminum because it is absorbed through the skin and very harmful for the growing body or anybody... BIG NO.
YOu should not even be cooking with this stuff or let it react with your food by dripping the steam from it when covered or scratching with spatula when it gets into food.
I am not sure what makes you a kid expert but the thing is .. you leave parenting to parents and wait
if asked, then if asked offer and if the suggestion or advice is not used then it is again probably because you are so way off and they are JUST being polite.
Don't impose. You truly have NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO idea.
Anonymous
03/18/2021 21:13
Subject: Re:Help me untangle feelings about SIL
Say nothing. Set a budget and buy a pair or three of those organic cotton training pants. And let it go. Telling her that if she doesn’t like the gifts she can donate them is just as obnoxious as her telling YOU what they want/need - maybe even more so.
Anonymous
03/18/2021 20:15
Subject: Help me untangle feelings about SIL
Since you are the older sister, I’d direct my gifts to something more lasting and make donations to the child’s 529 plan instead. Win win for everyone!
Anonymous
03/18/2021 19:31
Subject: Re:Help me untangle feelings about SIL
Anonymous wrote:https://y.yarn.co/c4435a39-d8f0-402f-85f7-29a110f55e86_text.gif
What I thought of when I read about balls of foil.
Anonymous
03/18/2021 19:29
Subject: Re:Help me untangle feelings about SIL
Anonymous
03/18/2021 18:39
Subject: Re:Help me untangle feelings about SIL
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I would find it very annoying if someone 'advised' me how to play with my kid, unless I had asked for advice and ideas. You have a great game in mind? Feel free to engage and play with my child yourself.
Also, I don't like the people who shove an endless stream of gifts on you at every possible occasion, with the expectation that we should praise them for their 'generosity' and 'thoughtfulness' in return.
I feel bad for the person who is wasting their kindness on you. Yeah, what a PITA to be gracious and say thank you, because it makes the other person feel good. Basic kindness is just so tiresome.
It is not "kindness" to send people clutter they don't want or need, just because it makes YOU (the gift giver) feel better. I agree that OP's SIL should be gracious and say thank you, but if she has already expressed that gifts are not necessary, then OP should respect that and stop expecting others to flatter their compulsion.
This exactly. OP's real motives are to be given attention, appreciation, and inclusion in a family as she does not have one of her own. Instead of adapting to the social cues and direct asks she's been given, she's wallowing in her "tangled feelings." Unwanted gifts are burdens. Unwanted advice is obnoxious. Full stop.
Anonymous
03/18/2021 18:35
Subject: Re:Help me untangle feelings about SIL
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I would find it very annoying if someone 'advised' me how to play with my kid, unless I had asked for advice and ideas. You have a great game in mind? Feel free to engage and play with my child yourself.
Also, I don't like the people who shove an endless stream of gifts on you at every possible occasion, with the expectation that we should praise them for their 'generosity' and 'thoughtfulness' in return.
I feel bad for the person who is wasting their kindness on you. Yeah, what a PITA to be gracious and say thank you, because it makes the other person feel good. Basic kindness is just so tiresome.
It is not "kindness" to send people clutter they don't want or need, just because it makes YOU (the gift giver) feel better. I agree that OP's SIL should be gracious and say thank you, but if she has already expressed that gifts are not necessary, then OP should respect that and stop expecting others to flatter their compulsion.
Anonymous
03/18/2021 15:36
Subject: Help me untangle feelings about SIL
Okay, I have been a preschool teacher for many years, and I have my own 2 kids. I feel I can respond from both perspectives.
1. As a parent, it is NOT helpful when everyone and their sister gives new parents advice. Sometimes people want to figure out what works for them on their own.
As a teacher, I often have ideas/suggestions for family members dealing with young kids but I DO NOT offer unless they ASK me. Maybe I might say "have you tried x"? if I think it might be the solution they are looking for, but only rarely.
2. Stop with the gifts. There are nice/expensive gifts that do not match the taste/needs of the recipient. I used to get these from a family member until she figured out we were not into them. The other type is the "fun but inexpensive gift" I have a MIL whose love language is definitely gifts. I often wished that she would be the grandma who would buy my girls one American Girl doll on their birthday rather than 100 gifts from the dollar store given on random occasions over the year. It was an added task to deal with extra crap, during a time in my life when I already did not have time to complete necessary tasks.
Do you ever babysit for them? Have you offered? You can have whatever fun activities you think he'd enjoy at your house and you can do them with him while his parents get some time on their own.
1. As a parent, it is NOT helpful when everyone and their sister gives new parents advice. Sometimes people want to figure out what works for them on their own.
As a teacher, I often have ideas/suggestions for family members dealing with young kids but I DO NOT offer unless they ASK me. Maybe I might say "have you tried x"? if I think it might be the solution they are looking for, but only rarely.
2. Stop with the gifts. There are nice/expensive gifts that do not match the taste/needs of the recipient. I used to get these from a family member until she figured out we were not into them. The other type is the "fun but inexpensive gift" I have a MIL whose love language is definitely gifts. I often wished that she would be the grandma who would buy my girls one American Girl doll on their birthday rather than 100 gifts from the dollar store given on random occasions over the year. It was an added task to deal with extra crap, during a time in my life when I already did not have time to complete necessary tasks.
Do you ever babysit for them? Have you offered? You can have whatever fun activities you think he'd enjoy at your house and you can do them with him while his parents get some time on their own.
Anonymous
03/18/2021 13:14
Subject: Re:Help me untangle feelings about SIL
Op, I say this with kindness but you really need to back off and give them some space. Next gift should be something off the list. Also, stop mentioning that you work with kids. Unless you are a pediatrician (and you might be) your nephew’s parents know him best. It sounds like you may be trying to one up that and your SIL senses that. My kids are adults now but my SIL taught some after school classes when my kids were young (think art, etc). She does not have an education degree but she is fun and kids like her. Both of my kids were in speech and OT for a period of time with therapists who had great reputations. They also saw a developmental pediatrician in addition to their regular pediatrician and countless other specialists. Yet MIL said that I should consult SIL bc she has some kids like mine in her after school classes and the parents tell her she’s great with them. For 45 minutes a week. She completely discounted everything dh and I did with our kids and said we needed SIl who made the kids nervous tbh. Fortunately, the kids are fully functioning adults. Op, just support your brother and SIl and be there if they ask you to do something specific but otherwise just be a loving aunt, not a know it all.
Anonymous
03/18/2021 13:11
Subject: Help me untangle feelings about SIL
I mean...just the fact that you have the time and capacity to ruminate about "untangling your feelings" about someone else and her child is annoying.
She's too busy working, being a mom, being a wife, living her life. Stop giving her annoying crap, as requested. Stop giving her annoying advice, as requested.
Live YOUR life. Focus on YOUR life. If you want to be part of their lives, fit into the way THEY do things.
She's too busy working, being a mom, being a wife, living her life. Stop giving her annoying crap, as requested. Stop giving her annoying advice, as requested.
Live YOUR life. Focus on YOUR life. If you want to be part of their lives, fit into the way THEY do things.
Anonymous
03/18/2021 12:45
Subject: Help me untangle feelings about SIL
Anonymous wrote:So I am single and childless but I have worked for over a decade with young children. My brother and his GF had a surprise pregnancy and got married and had my nephew, now a toddler. I genuinely adore my SIL. She is so smart, kind and is a wonderful wife and mother. That said, I often feel like she doesn’t much care for me. Even though my brother is constantly asking me for parenting advice, when I offer even a small tip or idea to SIL she always either tells me why I am wrong or more often tells me that she already knows.
Example: They were going on a trip so I ordered some mini figurines of characters from nephews’ favorite show. I mentioned to her that a fun activity is to wrap little toys like these in several layers of aluminum foil so it takes him a long time to unwrap and he can rewrap and playing with the wrapper becomes it’s own activity. She said. “Yeah, we do that all the time.” I said “Oh I should have known you would know all the best toddler activities.” She said “That’s like the first thing that comes up when you google sensory activities.”
The other stress point is that I am a gift person. I love to shop for presents for others and spend a lot of time and energy trying to find nice things. Not only has SIL been kind of blasé about gifts in the past (e.g., I spent a lot of time choosing charms for a sterling silver charm bracelet symbolizing different milestones in her first year as a mom and she never even mentioned it until I asked if she had opened it yet). She recently sent a long email to all family members saying basically that they are not interested in getting random presents for my nephew and included a link to an online wish list of approved gift ideas. I get why they might not want a bunch of miscellaneous toys and presents for him, but a) everything on the list is very expensive (like they asked for organic cotton training pants that were $20 a pair) and b) I just can’t help feeling that it was basically a way of saying “your presents aren’t good enough.”
So: tell me how much of this is that I am being oversensitive of crazy and how much is real. And tell me what to do about it. Is there any point in discussing things with her? Do I just bite my lip?
She is rude.
But I will say this: my mother is a bit the same - every holiday - Valentines, St. Patricks, etc. brings a USPS box packed to the gills with stuff, activities, stickers, candy, etc. It is incredibly sweet of her and very thoughtful, but my kids rip into a couple of things and then it's all by the wayside. It just gets to be a lot.
I'll throw in my 2 cents - if this is an important relationship to you then see if you can foster it in other ways. Spend time with her. Offer to spend time with your nephew. Maybe talk to your brother about how you'd like to have a relationship with your nephew and see how he reacts.
Anonymous
03/18/2021 12:30
Subject: Help me untangle feelings about SIL
You know what I dislike about gifts from certain older women in my life? They're always "assimilation-based," as in they are giving you something THEY like almost as a way to show you who THEY are, or prompt you to get something like that for them in the future.
My MIL likes Vera Bradley and charm bracelets. I think both are tacky. If you met me even once, you would see from the way I dress/the bag I carry that that is not at all my style. So for her to keep giving me those types of gifts year after year--and no I don't wear or keep them--it's not about me. She's not trying to be thoughtful to me, she's trying to assimilate me. No thanks.
Why would you get her a charm bracelet unless you know that's the kind of thing she likes? That's the kind of think YOU like.
You are giving gifts because you are seeking attention and praise. Try giving gifts in ways that are helpful and useful to them.
My MIL likes Vera Bradley and charm bracelets. I think both are tacky. If you met me even once, you would see from the way I dress/the bag I carry that that is not at all my style. So for her to keep giving me those types of gifts year after year--and no I don't wear or keep them--it's not about me. She's not trying to be thoughtful to me, she's trying to assimilate me. No thanks.
Why would you get her a charm bracelet unless you know that's the kind of thing she likes? That's the kind of think YOU like.
You are giving gifts because you are seeking attention and praise. Try giving gifts in ways that are helpful and useful to them.
Anonymous
03/18/2021 12:25
Subject: Re:Help me untangle feelings about SIL
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I would find it very annoying if someone 'advised' me how to play with my kid, unless I had asked for advice and ideas. You have a great game in mind? Feel free to engage and play with my child yourself.
Also, I don't like the people who shove an endless stream of gifts on you at every possible occasion, with the expectation that we should praise them for their 'generosity' and 'thoughtfulness' in return.
I feel bad for the person who is wasting their kindness on you. Yeah, what a PITA to be gracious and say thank you, because it makes the other person feel good. Basic kindness is just so tiresome.
PP you replied to here. Thanking someone or being polite is not the issue here.
When it comes to gift-giving then for me the line is there - is it about the receiver? Or is it about the giver? If the first, then any gift, big or small, is great and appreciated. But if it's the latter, then the feelings are more ambivalent, at the very least. Like someone said here - if you pathologically spend money on excessive amount of gifts to prove that you are the most kind and generous, then I happen to think it has little to do with being kind or even generous.