Hey OP, just wanted to chime in with some support. I also grew up in a house scarred by domestic violence, my mother failed to protect us and was in serious denial about the abuse as they got older - like she wanted to pretend it hadn’t happened for all those years. As they got older and my father got more unpredictably volatile related to depression and dementia, I had to pull away because my mother refused to get or accept help, and I couldn’t force her to -nobody can, a woman has to want to leave you can’t make her.

You need to make it clear to her that you are there for her when she decides to leave and needs help with logistics and loving support. Then tell her that while things remain as they are, you’re not coming around and your children won’t be either - because you don’t want them to be in a situation that normalizes family violence, and you don’t want them to be victimized by witnessing the abuse of their beloved grandmother.

It’s an awful situation all around. The more volatile your father becomes, the more likely he will really hurt your mother. But statistically she is at even greater danger if she leaves, so it is a no win situation - especially if she is adamant she won’t leave. So you need to protect yourself and your kids. Break the cycle.

Please, OP, are you in therapy for yourself?

Your mother and father are BOTH abusive. It is possible to be both a victim and an abuser, and sadly your mother is that. You learned this week that you are truly not safe with her, and that she will like and endanger YOUR children in order to protect her abusive husband. (False reports against you are a serious risk to your family.)

She didn’t protect you when your dad abused you before, and she is putting your own children at risk now.

I know you hurt because she is hurting and you want to protect her. You can tell her that you love her and will support her if and when she wants to leave. You can make her aware of support and resources. But please do not ever bring the children to that house again. If she accuses you of keeping her from the grandchildren, own that proudly. You are keeping them safe. When she has a safe home for them - if she leaves - you will happily bring them there. But please keep this boundary firm. You do not realize how steeped you are in this abuse cycle, OP. It is too normal for you.

You are a GOOD mom for holding this boundary. Your parents didn’t protect you and you can’t fix what is wrong with them. Love your mom from a distance until/unless she is ready to leave and protect yourself and the kids. Extricate yourself from the business ASAP to keep the boundaries cleaner and make sure they have no leverage against you don’t the safest thing.

I wish you luck. I’m sorry he is so abusive and that she has become so as well.

Op- I learned this week that they are both dealing with cognitive decline and that explains a lot of this situation.

Thank you for the well wishes, PPs. It’s going to be a long road, but I have lined up support and explored all of the available options.

Best thing I did- de-escalate and remove myself from the situation and not report too quickly. I got help that moved at a measured pace that respected their rights as adults. It’s ongoing and personal and I do not have to be directly involved but I still know enough of what’s going on. Counterintuitive but so far it’s the safest option for everyone involved in every way. Big picture.

How old are your parents?

Are there any other siblings?

Video tape to the cloud everything every time you speak or go in person to your moms if both of them. Which I don’t advise doing by you have to if you do an intervention to save your mom.

Anonymous wrote:OP again: my mother is saying that she never said that she wanted a divorce, that I am keeping her grandchildren from her, that she will tell anyone who I send to help that I put bruises on her (she has the same bruises on her arm today that I got yesterday- I did not touch her there ever. I don’t even hug my mother).

She says she will report that I am trying to get her committed to a nursing home. She is able bodied and I never said that.

I want to call local social services but am worried that they will believe my parents over me. They have obviously rehearsed an alternative version of events and she swears she will say those things. I don’t want to be charged with a crime.

Omg

This has been going on for too long. You’ve already lost her to the monster.

Get therapy for yourself ASAP, this will not end well. You may have to totally disengage if you cannot get her extracted from her abuser.

Anonymous wrote:Thank you, PPs. I know it is domestic violence. I just feel powerless to do more than call the hotline which I did. Ultimately with legal advice I decided not to file a police report or request a welfare check because of the threats that he has made to blame the abuse on me and because she is not actually willing to leave. These actions could actually put her in more danger. I am sad. I knew that their marriage was not happy but I did not know that he had become this abusive. The mention of divorce was as close as she got to disclosing and she denied it right away when he came back. She is terrified. I did let her know that we are always there for her. He had taken her phone and purse and kept her in their room.

Thanks for updating OP. I hope you can get some help - either with the resources suggested here or with a therapist - to figure out how to support your mom but how to set boundaries for your and your family. Sending you hugs and strength.

Thank you, PPs. I know it is domestic violence. I just feel powerless to do more than call the hotline which I did. Ultimately with legal advice I decided not to file a police report or request a welfare check because of the threats that he has made to blame the abuse on me and because she is not actually willing to leave. These actions could actually put her in more danger. I am sad. I knew that their marriage was not happy but I did not know that he had become this abusive. The mention of divorce was as close as she got to disclosing and she denied it right away when he came back. She is terrified. I did let her know that we are always there for her. He had taken her phone and purse and kept her in their room.

Want to chime in with others that this is a domestic abuse situation, and you should use the resources other PPs have helpfully posted.
I think in addition to helping your mother, you need to seek help for yourself. I think you need help to understand the situation and how having a father like this has impacted you.
It's very telling that you make the title of this thread "mother keeps saying she wants a divorce" because a much more accurate title would be something like "need help removing my mother from abusive situation with my father". I think the very way your brain is framing this shows the impact this has had on your perception. Good luck to you and best wishes for you and your mother.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She says she won't do that. She will only go to her own house. She has a home in her name only that she can go to.

He has made her very suspicious of me but when he is not around she acts very different and that is when she tells me she wants a divorce.

He does not want one. He told her that I am making her think this but I have never said a word to her about it.

Your mother is in an abusive marriage, straight up. What your father is doing is domestic violence. Your post makes it sound like neither you nor your mother recognize or accept that, which is not a criticism. I just think you need to be honest with yourself, your mother, and possibly your father about what this is.

I don't have any advice because I don't feel like I have the experience or knowledge to offer any in this really difficult and complicated situation. I suggestion you call the Domestic Violence Hotline - https://www.thehotline.org/ 1-800-799-SAFE or The Women's Center in Vienna - https://thewomenscenter.org/about/

Wow, you need to have no contact with your dad. It is up to your mom to decide whether to go to her other home. You can try to support her in that to the degree that is safe for you and your kids. But no, do not go near this violent man.

You owe it to your children to be safe and keep them safe. Your mother is an adult who could call an uber right now and go to her other home. Or call the police right now while she packs a bag.

Stay away from him.

Anonymous wrote:Yes, there is a family business that I am a distant part of. My father is trying to force me out but he does not have ownership so he can’t.

I spoke with Elder Abuse counseling services in my parents local jurisdiction.

And they are the people who told you that because your mom is an adult, there is nothing that you can do? The ELDER abuse people? Do they ever deal with non-adults as clients? Are you sure you understood correctly?

Who owns the business? Do you have ownership in it? Does your mom?

Yes, there is a family business that I am a distant part of. My father is trying to force me out but he does not have ownership so he can’t.

I spoke with Elder Abuse counseling services in my parents local jurisdiction.

Anonymous wrote:I don't know how to respond or what to do. I am 40 and my parents are fighting. My father is very controlling and does not want my mother to speak to me. He allows her to see my children but only at their house (I am always present). She tries to speak with me, but if he is around, he screams over me and even assaulted me yesterday to get me to stop talking with her. He punched a hole in the wall recently and convinced her to tell everyone that someone else did it. She told me that she is keeping another house in just her name. I don't know what to do. I don't want to disallow the children to see her. He threatens to make her sell the house that they share and move with him somewhere that she does not want to go. He threatens me and tells me that he will sell their house so that I can't inherit it. I have never asked to have their house. The pandemic has made this much worse. They are isolated and only with each other unless I see them with the children. They are in their early 70s. He won't allow her to get the covid vaccine. He has told her a lot of things to make her afraid to get it. I tried to help her sign up to get it but she is afraid to do it.

Call the women's center - they have a huge list of attorneys offering a free initial consultation. they also have therapists, workshops, a lot of free or reducced price resources. https://thewomenscenter.org/

Locations
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Vienna, VA 22180
(703) 281-2657 (TTY: 711)
Fax: (703) 242-1454

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1025 Vermont Ave NW
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Washington, DC 20005
(202) 293-4580