Anonymous
Post 02/24/2021 17:48     Subject: Re:Feeling sad that daughter seems to be gay
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You need to reframe your way of thinking.

When your 1st child was born you did not know how to breasfeed, sleep train, deal with illness and fevers, teething... you had to learn all that. YOu bought books or watched videos or asked friend... or asked a therapist, this is not different

Just because you daughter is 17 does not mean you have all the answers and you never did.

Be prepared for your daughter to not "come out", maybe she will just introduce you to her girlfriend one day without some declaration, just like she would a boy.

Stop thinking that dating a girl is more complicated, it's not. You would be dealing with just as many issues if she were dating a boy... pregnancy, rape, verbal abuse, breakups, etc. She was not just going to magically find the greatest guy on earth the 1st guy she dated and everything was going to be peachy keen.

When she finally "comes out" or introduces you to her girlfriends I would just say this.

I have been leaning how to be a good mom since the moment you were born, I have been learning, how to breastfeed, sleep train, everything, and I'm still learning. Dating today is very different than when I was your age. Please be patient. The language is different and how dating works is different and we did not have social media. You and I will be leaning all this together. Please be honest with me when I am not being the best mom because I really do want to learn and be the best mom I can be. I will try not to take it personally when you correct me and I hope you don't take it personally when I mess up. I love you and I'm just trying to grow and evolve every day, it never ends. I love you and I'm happy you found somebody that cares about you and make you feel special.





Why in the world would you say all of that. It is such a sign of disapproval. I'm learning. Dating is different. That is the message that will be received.


I say all that to all of my kids straight/gay/bi/pan/etc.

I would not say it in one big speech I expect you guys talk to your kids daily.

I am constantly talking... about dating, birth control, drinking, getting jobs, getting internships, getting into college, STIs.

Hey listen it's very different now than it was when I was your age, you and I can figure this out together.

My one child said to me recently what is he/they... I was like " I don't know". Then my other child was like, you two are so behind the times... and he explained it.

Open/honest

You don't know all the answers. We have dealt with many issues, like STI, which ended up actually being a conversation about washing your towel at college more than once a month.

You don't have to have all the answers. If you think you understand dating for a straight or <fill in the blank> kid in 2021, you are wrong.
Anonymous
Post 02/24/2021 17:39     Subject: Feeling sad that daughter seems to be gay
I get it. I’m not sure why I would have any issue with my own kid being gay, but I was a little surprised when my daughter said she would never close off the door to dating either sex. I would just fully create an environment that is comfortable for her to come out, I’d embrace it with every fiber of my being, and go from there. I live in the suburbs and am catholic and I just do not see gay couples ever. So I don’t think it’s necessarily the easiest most normal thing, but you can try to make it that way and just be as kind and welcoming as possible.
Anonymous
Post 02/24/2021 16:53     Subject: Feeling sad that daughter seems to be gay
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I really hope my kids don’t turn out gay but if they do I guess I will remind myself that as a parent you really just want your kid to be happy


Why do you hope that? And do you think your gay kid would be happy if they knew that their parent had hoped they weren't?


I'm not the PP, but my best friend is a gay man and a father. He and his husband have a young child born via surrogate. They both say they will love the child no matter what but hope the child is not gay - not because there's anything wrong with being gay, not because they are self hating, but because even in this day and age gay people still have it pretty hard and face discrimination. Perhaps this is what PP meant.
Anonymous
Post 02/24/2021 16:42     Subject: Feeling sad that daughter seems to be gay
And according to that WP article, 72 percent of those who identify as LGBT identify as bisexual, and most of them are women.
Anonymous
Post 02/24/2021 16:37     Subject: Feeling sad that daughter seems to be gay
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.washingtonpost.com/dc-md-va/2021/02/24/gen-z-lgbt/%3foutputType=amp

Anyone see this article in today’s Washington Post? 1 in 6 people in Gen Z consider themselves to be LGBTQ+. And for young people, 13-17, the rates are even higher.

My question is this: are there really more gay kids today than 10 or 20 years ago?
Anonymous
Post 02/24/2021 15:01     Subject: Re:Feeling sad that daughter seems to be gay
Anonymous wrote:You need to reframe your way of thinking.

When your 1st child was born you did not know how to breasfeed, sleep train, deal with illness and fevers, teething... you had to learn all that. YOu bought books or watched videos or asked friend... or asked a therapist, this is not different

Just because you daughter is 17 does not mean you have all the answers and you never did.

Be prepared for your daughter to not "come out", maybe she will just introduce you to her girlfriend one day without some declaration, just like she would a boy.

Stop thinking that dating a girl is more complicated, it's not. You would be dealing with just as many issues if she were dating a boy... pregnancy, rape, verbal abuse, breakups, etc. She was not just going to magically find the greatest guy on earth the 1st guy she dated and everything was going to be peachy keen.

When she finally "comes out" or introduces you to her girlfriends I would just say this.

I have been leaning how to be a good mom since the moment you were born, I have been learning, how to breastfeed, sleep train, everything, and I'm still learning. Dating today is very different than when I was your age. Please be patient. The language is different and how dating works is different and we did not have social media. You and I will be leaning all this together. Please be honest with me when I am not being the best mom because I really do want to learn and be the best mom I can be. I will try not to take it personally when you correct me and I hope you don't take it personally when I mess up. I love you and I'm just trying to grow and evolve every day, it never ends. I love you and I'm happy you found somebody that cares about you and make you feel special.





Why in the world would you say all of that. It is such a sign of disapproval. I'm learning. Dating is different. That is the message that will be received.
Anonymous
Post 02/24/2021 14:51     Subject: Feeling sad that daughter seems to be gay
Anonymous wrote:One more point here -- OP, your expectations may have actually made a climate that means your daughter is scared to come out to you. If you're always talking about her future husband or boyfriend or have made it so the expectation is heteronormativity, she already knows you're going to be "sad."

She may not be gay. But for the sake of your kid, start now by speaking positively about the topic. Mention a lesbian couple in the news. Say "boyfriend or girlfriend" the next time something like that comes up in conversation. Create the climate now.... don't wait.


OP, I cannot endorse this advice enough. I never formally came out to my parents -- they just always left the gender of my future partner out of the equation and so do I (I'm bi).

Aside from how much I personally appreciated this method as a teen, I also think this will be a good way for you to work through your disappointment. As you change how you talk about your daughter's future, you can start building dreams that are more widely inclusive of those possibilities -- the wedding you're imagining would work just as well with a second bride as with a groom; the grandchildren your dreaming of might tell you seriously that they feel sorry for all the kids who only have ONE mom.

I wouldn't worry too much about "society thinks" if I were you. Do you wish you were a man? I don't, even though I suppose I would have more societal privilege and be safer traveling to certain places if I were. I also don't want to be straight.
Anonymous
Post 02/24/2021 14:33     Subject: Feeling sad that daughter seems to be gay
I am gay and understand why you might be feeling this way--but as I'm sure you realize, your sadness is because of stories and wishes that were yours alone and really have nothing to do with your kid. She didn't ask you to make her a character in the stories you told yourself about your future. She is going to write her own story and it is going to differ in so many ways from what you might have imagined--dating a woman, if she is doing that, is just going to be one.

3/4 kids in my family are some variety of LGBT (and the 4th is in an interracial/interfaith marriage which is challenging in its own ways!). It's been a lot for our parents to come to terms with and I'd say they are further along with accepting some of us than others. But we all have long-term partners or spouses, good jobs, friends, etc. Our lives are mostly happy and to the extent they aren't, it's not because of LGBT stuff.

Tell your kid you love her. Be nice to anyone she brings home. Deal with your feelings about your expectations without putting that on her--PFLAG might help. I kind of hate the story "Welcome to Holland" for parents of kids with disabilities, but maybe reading it will give you some comfort about having a queer kid (if you do) and how it might be different than you expected but still ok.
Anonymous
Post 02/24/2021 13:37     Subject: Feeling sad that daughter seems to be gay
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the thoughtful replies. I guess what disappoints me is that I always imagined one day she would find a loving husband and would one day have a traditional family of her own. I looked forward to attending her wedding, and watching her marry her groom, and adding a son-in-law to the family (all my children are girls). I realize of course lesbian couples can marry and have children. But I feel society still attaches some stigma to these family structures and doesn’t perceive then as fully “normal.” So as much as I want to be supportive - and I will fake it if I have to - the truth is, I’m feeling sad.


OP, I think that disappointment may be a normal reaction. My best friend is a lesbian. Her mother and my mother were close friends. Her mother was incredibly loving and as supportive as she could possible be. She did, however, express sadness and loss in not seeing her daughter in the traditional role that she had envisioned. Her daughter went on to marry her same sex partner and she, of course, supported them both. It was definitely a years long process of accepting the new reality, as I'm sure that it will be with you. The point was that she was always loving and supportive throughout. So I don't think your feelings of loss here should be minimized. That said, you will work on those issues behind the scenes as you support your daughter for who she is.
Anonymous
Post 02/24/2021 13:27     Subject: Re:Feeling sad that daughter seems to be gay
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I really think in 2021 there’s nothing to be sad about.


We were sad because we knew our child would struggle more.


Chicken/egg - this attitude is part of the problem.


100% this. PPP - Your child would struggle because you created discomfort requiring struggle.
Anonymous
Post 02/24/2021 13:22     Subject: Feeling sad that daughter seems to be gay
Anonymous wrote:DD, 17, seems to be in a relationship with another girl. Hasn’t come out to us. I’m afraid she’s going to come out and I won’t instinctively know how to be as supportive as she needs me to be. If/when she does come out, I want to be as supportive as I can be. What are some things to say (or not to say)? I recognize that I may need to work through my own issues on this (ie, my own feelings of disappointment), which I plan to do, but in the meantime, I’d be grateful for any advice on how to respond if/when a child comes out to you. TIA.


Hugs, OP. It might be just an experimental phase. Wait and see what happens.
Anonymous
Post 02/24/2021 11:09     Subject: Re:Feeling sad that daughter seems to be gay
You need to reframe your way of thinking.

When your 1st child was born you did not know how to breasfeed, sleep train, deal with illness and fevers, teething... you had to learn all that. YOu bought books or watched videos or asked friend... or asked a therapist, this is not different

Just because you daughter is 17 does not mean you have all the answers and you never did.

Be prepared for your daughter to not "come out", maybe she will just introduce you to her girlfriend one day without some declaration, just like she would a boy.

Stop thinking that dating a girl is more complicated, it's not. You would be dealing with just as many issues if she were dating a boy... pregnancy, rape, verbal abuse, breakups, etc. She was not just going to magically find the greatest guy on earth the 1st guy she dated and everything was going to be peachy keen.

When she finally "comes out" or introduces you to her girlfriends I would just say this.

I have been leaning how to be a good mom since the moment you were born, I have been learning, how to breastfeed, sleep train, everything, and I'm still learning. Dating today is very different than when I was your age. Please be patient. The language is different and how dating works is different and we did not have social media. You and I will be leaning all this together. Please be honest with me when I am not being the best mom because I really do want to learn and be the best mom I can be. I will try not to take it personally when you correct me and I hope you don't take it personally when I mess up. I love you and I'm just trying to grow and evolve every day, it never ends. I love you and I'm happy you found somebody that cares about you and make you feel special.



Anonymous
Post 02/24/2021 09:01     Subject: Re:Feeling sad that daughter seems to be gay
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I really think in 2021 there’s nothing to be sad about.


We were sad because we knew our child would struggle more.


Chicken/egg - this attitude is part of the problem.


Knowing that the current reality is that it's still more of a struggle is acknowledging a fact, which you can work to change--it's not causing it.


Queer parent here. I came out in the early 90s. I would say that the amount that I"ve struggled more than your average straight person has been minimal. It took some work and money (as it does for some straight people) to get pregnant and I've been very involved in political organizing to change some discriminatory laws, but for anyone living in an at least moderately liberal place, it is just not a big deal. For me the stressful part was dealing with family, who weren't anti but worried and stressing me out at various points.


+100

The amount of stigma I’ve faced from society has been minimal. But I faced intense stigma from my parents, who gave me enormous grief and blamed it on “being worried how others will treat you.”

OP, don’t blame “society” for your homophobia. All the things you listed — wedding, family, in laws — are the exact same for gay people. (Well, having kids is harder, but very possible.) Work through your homophobia now, and show your daughter you’re doing that so she feels comfortable coming out.
Anonymous
Post 02/24/2021 08:53     Subject: Re:Feeling sad that daughter seems to be gay
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I really think in 2021 there’s nothing to be sad about.


We were sad because we knew our child would struggle more.


Chicken/egg - this attitude is part of the problem.


Knowing that the current reality is that it's still more of a struggle is acknowledging a fact, which you can work to change--it's not causing it.


Queer parent here. I came out in the early 90s. I would say that the amount that I"ve struggled more than your average straight person has been minimal. It took some work and money (as it does for some straight people) to get pregnant and I've been very involved in political organizing to change some discriminatory laws, but for anyone living in an at least moderately liberal place, it is just not a big deal. For me the stressful part was dealing with family, who weren't anti but worried and stressing me out at various points.
Anonymous
Post 02/24/2021 08:47     Subject: Feeling sad that daughter seems to be gay
Anonymous wrote:I really hope my kids don’t turn out gay but if they do I guess I will remind myself that as a parent you really just want your kid to be happy


Why do you hope that? And do you think your gay kid would be happy if they knew that their parent had hoped they weren't?