Anonymous
Post 02/19/2021 12:49     Subject: You just wanted to talk to them; happy to oblige!
Anonymous wrote:Some women love to twist themselves into pretzels to justify (and therefore perpetuate) poor treatment toward women. And it's sad.


+1
Anonymous
Post 02/19/2021 09:29     Subject: You just wanted to talk to them; happy to oblige!
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Wow, your in-laws are so incredibly rude. I absolutely love how you’ve handled it!


+100.


+1
Absolutely keep doing this. Sounds like some truly self centered in-laws.
Anonymous
Post 02/19/2021 08:44     Subject: You just wanted to talk to them; happy to oblige!
Wow, just wow! I would not pick up for the next month when they call!
BTW, my SIL did something similar. Called my cell phone and said, "Is Jim there?"
Looking for her brother, my DH! Not, hi, how are you, not sorry to bother you, he isn't replying, just "is he there!"
How hard is it to be polite? Clearly, very hard for some people.
Anonymous
Post 02/19/2021 08:23     Subject: You just wanted to talk to them; happy to oblige!
Some women love to twist themselves into pretzels to justify (and therefore perpetuate) poor treatment toward women. And it's sad.
Anonymous
Post 02/19/2021 07:57     Subject: You just wanted to talk to them; happy to oblige!
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:So annoying. I'm sorry, and seriously, good for you. You are doing more than most, including me, would do.

At the same time, possible that they feel like they don't want to burden you (I think the same thing about the MIL who said, I am here to see the baby, not you). I.e., could they feel like they wanted to leave you off the hook for being entertaining while having a newborn, etc.?

At best misguided and probably your instinct is 100% on, and it's rude.


This.

I used to go straight to being offended. But then someone said something to me once that I took to heart. And unless you are dealing with a sociopath (which you could be...but not as likely), then maybe it would help you too. That is: consider that your relatives and "loved ones" WANT to be in a loving relationship with you. And with that in mind, when they say something that comes off as rude or offensive, ask yourself if it can be interpreted in a different way (such as the way PP described). Could "I just want to talk to the girls" have been meant as an indication that she knows you are busy and it's a chore for you to take up your own time asking about their weather, etc...so she's absolving you of your obligation to do that without recognizing that it came off as rude?
Just something to think about. Your husband's mom probably doesn't WANT to piss you off. She knows that doing so would limit her access to the grandkids, so why would she knowingly seek to do that? Maybe have a little grace there.


NP. You might have a leg to stand on of the MIL didn't ***cut OP off.*** It would be one thing if, after OP had finished speaking, MIL said, could you please put the kids on...but that is not what happened.

There is literally no excuse to cut someone off when they are innoculously asking about the weather. None.
Anonymous
Post 02/19/2021 07:53     Subject: You just wanted to talk to them; happy to oblige!
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:So annoying. I'm sorry, and seriously, good for you. You are doing more than most, including me, would do.

At the same time, possible that they feel like they don't want to burden you (I think the same thing about the MIL who said, I am here to see the baby, not you). I.e., could they feel like they wanted to leave you off the hook for being entertaining while having a newborn, etc.?

At best misguided and probably your instinct is 100% on, and it's rude.


Why do we do this to each other, as women? WHY? It's like we try to gaslight each other to make it seem that shitty treatment isn't shitty treatment.

A MIL who won't "endure" two minutes of small talk from her DIL who is facilitating grandkid time doesn't give a fig about her DIL. Point blank period. Stop with your fiction and your excuses. Just stop.


PP you are quoting. I swear I am not trying to gaslight - I'm trying to suggest the possibility that the benefit of the doubt or an alternative. And like I said, at best misguided and likely rude. But I know I have come across this way myself because of good intentions.


The devil has enough advocates.

Really do stop. If someone literally doesn’t say hello to you when you are doing them a favor, that’s rude. If someone greets you and asks briefly about the weather, and you CUT THEM OFF to tell them you don’t want to talk to them, that is just rude!


PP again - agreed, it's rude. That's why I put my first and last sentences, including the phrase, "it's rude." But suggesting that people may have misguided intentions is not inappropriate.
Anonymous
Post 02/19/2021 07:19     Subject: You just wanted to talk to them; happy to oblige!
Anonymous wrote:OP, at this continues your MIL will soon become frustrated and demand that your children hand you the phone. Be ready with what you plan on saying. If they complain that they need you to facilitate you need to be ready to stand up for yourself and respond directly. "A couple weeks ago you rudely cut me off when I asked about the snow in your area telling me you, quote, only want to talk with the girls. I got the message loud and clear Doris."

And if this situation turns south, be ready to simply not answer your phone. Done. Sorry! Busy! Battery is almost dead! Work call starting in two minutes!


+1 but no excuses given such as battery almost dead. Tell MIL if she wants to talk to YOUR children she will treat YOU with respect.
Anonymous
Post 02/19/2021 06:21     Subject: You just wanted to talk to them; happy to oblige!
I’m a big believer in giving the benefit of the doubt. But I don’t think OP is doing anything “wrong” with her chosen course of action. She isn’t cutting off MIL, she isn’t shooting back rude comments or cutting her off. She’s just giving MiL what she wanted, and showing MIL that the presence of DIL was worth more than they thought. That her efforts made those calls easy for MIL and for the little ones. MIL could use a reminder of that. Maybe her intentions weren’t bad, but her execution sure was.
Anonymous
Post 02/19/2021 06:08     Subject: You just wanted to talk to them; happy to oblige!
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:So annoying. I'm sorry, and seriously, good for you. You are doing more than most, including me, would do.

At the same time, possible that they feel like they don't want to burden you (I think the same thing about the MIL who said, I am here to see the baby, not you). I.e., could they feel like they wanted to leave you off the hook for being entertaining while having a newborn, etc.?

At best misguided and probably your instinct is 100% on, and it's rude.


This.

I used to go straight to being offended. But then someone said something to me once that I took to heart. And unless you are dealing with a sociopath (which you could be...but not as likely), then maybe it would help you too. That is: consider that your relatives and "loved ones" WANT to be in a loving relationship with you. And with that in mind, when they say something that comes off as rude or offensive, ask yourself if it can be interpreted in a different way (such as the way PP described). Could "I just want to talk to the girls" have been meant as an indication that she knows you are busy and it's a chore for you to take up your own time asking about their weather, etc...so she's absolving you of your obligation to do that without recognizing that it came off as rude?
Just something to think about. Your husband's mom probably doesn't WANT to piss you off. She knows that doing so would limit her access to the grandkids, so why would she knowingly seek to do that? Maybe have a little grace there.


It takes 10 secs to make a comment about the weather and then add on that you don't want to hold the person up and where are the kids. If relatives want to be in a loving relationship I'm sure they will be, they know how to act, they know what that looks like, they choose otherwise.

Would you ever say to your MIL to her face "I don't want to talk to you" and then walk away to talk to someone else. Please if you think this is so ok, do this to your mother or MIL next time you see them. Bet you can't do it, can you, why not?

I think its good the younger generation aren't putting up with this nonsense because they really shouldn't have to. It doesn't matter that it is your DH's mother, you are DH's wife so your husbands mother should be respecting that relationship just as much.

At the end of the day OP is giving them what they asked for. I would not do anything to change that, they can learn to live with it. Perhaps its a teaching moment in their life.
Anonymous
Post 02/18/2021 23:56     Subject: You just wanted to talk to them; happy to oblige!
Anonymous wrote:So annoying. I'm sorry, and seriously, good for you. You are doing more than most, including me, would do.

At the same time, possible that they feel like they don't want to burden you (I think the same thing about the MIL who said, I am here to see the baby, not you). I.e., could they feel like they wanted to leave you off the hook for being entertaining while having a newborn, etc.?

At best misguided and probably your instinct is 100% on, and it's rude.


This.

I used to go straight to being offended. But then someone said something to me once that I took to heart. And unless you are dealing with a sociopath (which you could be...but not as likely), then maybe it would help you too. That is: consider that your relatives and "loved ones" WANT to be in a loving relationship with you. And with that in mind, when they say something that comes off as rude or offensive, ask yourself if it can be interpreted in a different way (such as the way PP described). Could "I just want to talk to the girls" have been meant as an indication that she knows you are busy and it's a chore for you to take up your own time asking about their weather, etc...so she's absolving you of your obligation to do that without recognizing that it came off as rude?
Just something to think about. Your husband's mom probably doesn't WANT to piss you off. She knows that doing so would limit her access to the grandkids, so why would she knowingly seek to do that? Maybe have a little grace there.
Anonymous
Post 02/18/2021 23:47     Subject: You just wanted to talk to them; happy to oblige!
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:So annoying. I'm sorry, and seriously, good for you. You are doing more than most, including me, would do.

At the same time, possible that they feel like they don't want to burden you (I think the same thing about the MIL who said, I am here to see the baby, not you). I.e., could they feel like they wanted to leave you off the hook for being entertaining while having a newborn, etc.?

At best misguided and probably your instinct is 100% on, and it's rude.


Why do we do this to each other, as women? WHY? It's like we try to gaslight each other to make it seem that shitty treatment isn't shitty treatment.

A MIL who won't "endure" two minutes of small talk from her DIL who is facilitating grandkid time doesn't give a fig about her DIL. Point blank period. Stop with your fiction and your excuses. Just stop.


PP you are quoting. I swear I am not trying to gaslight - I'm trying to suggest the possibility that the benefit of the doubt or an alternative. And like I said, at best misguided and likely rude. But I know I have come across this way myself because of good intentions.


Really do stop. If someone literally doesn’t say hello to you when you are doing them a favor, that’s rude. If someone greets you and asks briefly about the weather, and you CUT THEM OFF to tell them you don’t want to talk to them, that is just rude!


PP again - agreed, it's rude. That's why I put my first and last sentences, including the phrase, "it's rude." But suggesting that people may have misguided intentions is not inappropriate.


NP. Seriously stop. You sound like you grew up in a chaotic household if you are playing devils advocate for these louts.
Anonymous
Post 02/18/2021 21:58     Subject: You just wanted to talk to them; happy to oblige!
OP, at this continues your MIL will soon become frustrated and demand that your children hand you the phone. Be ready with what you plan on saying. If they complain that they need you to facilitate you need to be ready to stand up for yourself and respond directly. "A couple weeks ago you rudely cut me off when I asked about the snow in your area telling me you, quote, only want to talk with the girls. I got the message loud and clear Doris."

And if this situation turns south, be ready to simply not answer your phone. Done. Sorry! Busy! Battery is almost dead! Work call starting in two minutes!