Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes if I could purchase that support system, meaning:
-au pair
-therapy and massages for myself
-cleaners
-weekend nanny
-Amazon prime
-food delivery whenever I want or need

+1 great response

agree!

Anonymous wrote:^

Don’t feel bad. This thread is actually pretty laughable, like many threads filled with the musings of the mostly very privileged women who post on this board.

Tens of millions of single parents and married parents and primary parenting grandparents all over this country cope every day with child rearing sans village - and spa treatments, nannies/au pairs, and lots of money.

I have no doubt they raise mostly more resilient and and more compassionate children in the process.

Right. Most of the people on this thread are insufferable.

Anonymous wrote:Yes! Just make friends here. Mom friends have been more key to me than family. Family was probably the opposite of helpful. They just wanted us to visit nonstop, didn’t care about me (after birth and such) and just demanded nonstop. Don’t think they ever helped us. Friends have play dates, moms night out and camaraderie.

yes, this. You can find a community similar to yours single moms, military moms, moms originally from x state; find your tribe. Throw whatever money you can at everything else - meal delivery, babysitters, etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one owes you a support system so please don’t impose your children on anyone else.

Oh this is a really sad comment. It takes a village, you know. Absolutely nobody should be forced to babysit a kid, but it takes a village to raise a child and I hope everybody would feel good about helping out a little, even if it just means a shoulder to cry on or making a meal when somebody needs it.

NP. If I had a friend/neighbor who had no partner/support system and expected me to be their "village," I would be resentful. I have enough to handle with my own family. No one is making you have a kid. Please don't expect me to make you meals or take care of you because you need "a village."

Amen sister! Also, this village the PPs speak of is gendered. No one complains about their brother not helping out but it’s always sisters, SILs, and MILs. And female neighbors and friends. Stop exploiting women’s labor!

finally someone who gets it! all these woke comments about a support system yet no one mentions that support is supposed to come from women who are busy with their own jobs and families.

I'm the PP and don't have kids. I get asked a lot about having kids and my suspicion is that these women want playdates for their kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes if I could purchase that support system, meaning:
-au pair
-therapy and massages for myself
-cleaners
-weekend nanny
-Amazon prime
-food delivery whenever I want or need

+1 great response

This. We can afford some of that but it's still hard without any family help. And, yes, I have a DH but he travels a lot (he'll be gone 5 out of the next 8 weeks) and we both work.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you need anyone but DH?

Maybe he or she doesn't have a "DH," silly.

When I was pregnant, my wife was an incredible support. While her family lives nearby, they were not engaged in supporting us. We’ve done fine raising two kids and have built a great support network of amazing friends here in DC.

Well pin a rose on you nose. Aren't you so woke.

Damn, who peed in your cereal this morning, PP?

NO. Definitely not.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one owes you a support system so please don’t impose your children on anyone else.

Oh this is a really sad comment. It takes a village, you know. Absolutely nobody should be forced to babysit a kid, but it takes a village to raise a child and I hope everybody would feel good about helping out a little, even if it just means a shoulder to cry on or making a meal when somebody needs it.

NP. If I had a friend/neighbor who had no partner/support system and expected me to be their "village," I would be resentful. I have enough to handle with my own family. No one is making you have a kid. Please don't expect me to make you meals or take care of you because you need "a village."

Amen sister! Also, this village the PPs speak of is gendered. No one complains about their brother not helping out but it’s always sisters, SILs, and MILs. And female neighbors and friends. Stop exploiting women’s labor!

finally someone who gets it! all these woke comments about a support system yet no one mentions that support is supposed to come from women who are busy with their own jobs and families.

Anonymous wrote:I did it on my own and my family was not local. You don’t need all the things that others said (massages? Cleaners? Night nurse?) but you should be financially comfortable and someone who is used to being self reliant and just powers through. You have to make practical choices (mostly formula fed because you don’t have time to be attached to a baby or a pump for six hours a day), and a quality daycare center over a nanny so that you are not beholden to the schedule/problems of a single person. I stayed in an apartment when the baby was small - less maintenance and cleaning, someone else shovels, you call the company when something breaks etc. I bought a townhouse when she turned four when she was potty trained, more independent, and could “help”.

Go into it presuming that no one else will help and then be happy when someone does, rather than expecting help and being resentful when no one does.

But you do want money so that you can pay for things that you won’t have time to do yourself.

I agree with all of this, except for the daycare center part. I went with an in home daycare specifically to build a relationship with a caregiver so I knew I'd have someone to call in an emergency. I couldn't afford a nanny. Although I never did it, other families paid her to watch their kid for overnights so we had that option.When my kids were elementary age, we used the caregiver's oldest kid as our regular babysitter.

A lot of folks on this thread are saying they have “no support” beyond their DH because they don’t have family nearby. But in my experience, there’s a lot of variation in what this actually means. It could mean:

No support at all, family dead or estranged or unable to support in any way for another reason.

Minimal support from afar, such as family you can talk to by phone and who are emotionally supportive but nothing else.

Family that sends money/gifts/other material support but cannot be present.

Family that visits multiple times a year and who you visit, and where everyone has enough money to never worry about that aspect of visiting.

It just varies and it’s possible to live far from your family and still get lots of support. My DH and I live far from our families and get no emotional support from them, but they go randomly just send us money and will buy our child something she needs if they know about it. They also very rarely visit. But to say we have “no support” would be disingenuous because we receive tangible support.

I would bet almost everyone on this thread who says they have no support system actually has some. It might not be what you wish you had (I would trade a check from my parents for emotional support from them every time), but it still counts.

Anonymous wrote:Yes! Just make friends here. Mom friends have been more key to me than family. Family was probably the opposite of helpful. They just wanted us to visit nonstop, didn’t care about me (after birth and such) and just demanded nonstop. Don’t think they ever helped us. Friends have play dates, moms night out and camaraderie.

+1

MIL was a total narcissist - the "camera in my face kind" no matter what I was doing, breast feeding, half naked, whatever, it was all about her. Never once "you must be exhausted, I know my son doesn't help, in fact he is a PITA like me!" .

Find people that "speak your language", OP. Find people that want to be reciprocal.

Anonymous wrote:Yes if I could purchase that support system, meaning:
-au pair
-therapy and massages for myself
-cleaners
-weekend nanny
-Amazon prime
-food delivery whenever I want or need

It’s a great list and I can afford all of these now that they are teens. I couldn’t when they were infants so don’t take this too literally.

How bad do you want a baby? I have a husband but he had a job with a lot of travel and he was gone for a month at a time frequently when they were little. No local family. I found my support system through a moms group and then later through their friend’s parents when they hit elementary school.

And 15 years later, DH’s job is all local. My point is that it will be hard having kids no matter what and life takes a lot of unexpected turns. I never expected to find other people that I could rely on and wouldn’t have met them if I didn’t have children.

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read the whole thread.

When you say "no support system" are you including the other parent of the child in that?

I wouldn't have a child if I didn't have a supportive partner, unless it was an accidental pregnancy, or I was in the position where I knew I could count on other support, either because I had strong family support, or because I had a huge bank account.

I would totally have a child with a supportive husband (or wife, or partner I wasn't married to) if I didn't have other supports.

This is some important information that is missing. No support system meaning single parent without a support system or just a couple? There’s a huge difference.

We were a couple without a support system – living overseas, 3000 miles from family and friends. We had casual nearby acquaintances, but no one we would ask for any sort of favor. We outsourced cleaning, but that’s it. It was hard, as the newborn months are for most, and incredibly isolating. But DH and I were in it together and did what needed doing. So, if “no support” means with partner but no one else, then yes – I’d do it again. If it means truly solo, it is not a scenario I’d seek out or plan for, unless I had a lot of money and could hire my own village.

I haven't read the whole thread.

When you say "no support system" are you including the other parent of the child in that?

I wouldn't have a child if I didn't have a supportive partner, unless it was an accidental pregnancy, or I was in the position where I knew I could count on other support, either because I had strong family support, or because I had a huge bank account.

I would totally have a child with a supportive husband (or wife, or partner I wasn't married to) if I didn't have other supports.

Yes! Just make friends here. Mom friends have been more key to me than family. Family was probably the opposite of helpful. They just wanted us to visit nonstop, didn’t care about me (after birth and such) and just demanded nonstop. Don’t think they ever helped us. Friends have play dates, moms night out and camaraderie.