Anonymous
02/07/2021 11:00
Subject: Fiance wants to elope, I want a wedding
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You're going to get everyone telling you to elope, because a) they almost always side with the woman on these posts, B) most people here have dysfunctional families and dysfunctional themselves
To it's a pretty bad sign of her lack of respect for you that she wants you to disregard something that's deeply important to you, having your parents attend your wedding. That's not an unreasonable thing. She's asking you to drop your value s for her.
It's also a bad sign that she knowingly wants you to do something that will make you unhappy and drive a wedge between you and her family. It's also a bad sign because her family is dysfunctional she doesn't want you to be connected to your family anymore.
Her behavior and her ask is abusive, and it will not get better, but worse over time, and it will eventually involve your kids if you have them. You don't want to be married to this toxic person.
But since you want to get married, compromise. The compromise is a small wedding with your parents, maybe grandparents and siblings if everyone is close by, and possibly a large party later.
If she can't compromise on the small wedding. End it.
Op said she has a small family, it's weird that you translated that as dysfunctional. I don't think you're as stable as you think.
He said small family that isn't that close.
He said. His opinion or hers? He doesn't get to decide what's close for her family.
Anonymous
02/07/2021 11:00
Subject: Fiance wants to elope, I want a wedding
Anonymous wrote:My Fiance and I got engaged June 2020. Given 2020 and 2021 we put off having a wedding until 2022.
My fiance all of a sudden decided she doesn't want a wedding anymore and would rather elope. Her reasoning is we would save a lot of money and wouldnt have to wait 2 years. She also has a really small family and they are not that close.
I'm from a traditional family and this absolutely would not fly. We've discussed it and she refuses to compromise. I understand from her perspective she's not extremely close with her family, so a wedding isn't a big deal, but for me, it would be a huge sign of disrespect to my family.
They are not that close....according to whom? You? Not for you to decide. If that's what she says/thinks, that's different. I'm very close to my (rather small) family, but also didn't value a big wedding.
What is your compromise? It's not really binary, either we have a big wedding in 2022 or we elope next week. Find a middle ground like a small family only wedding this summer.
Anonymous
02/07/2021 10:58
Subject: Fiance wants to elope, I want a wedding
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You're going to get everyone telling you to elope, because a) they almost always side with the woman on these posts, B) most people here have dysfunctional families and dysfunctional themselves
To it's a pretty bad sign of her lack of respect for you that she wants you to disregard something that's deeply important to you, having your parents attend your wedding. That's not an unreasonable thing. She's asking you to drop your value s for her.
It's also a bad sign that she knowingly wants you to do something that will make you unhappy and drive a wedge between you and her family. It's also a bad sign because her family is dysfunctional she doesn't want you to be connected to your family anymore.
Her behavior and her ask is abusive, and it will not get better, but worse over time, and it will eventually involve your kids if you have them. You don't want to be married to this toxic person.
But since you want to get married, compromise. The compromise is a small wedding with your parents, maybe grandparents and siblings if everyone is close by, and possibly a large party later.
If she can't compromise on the small wedding. End it.
Op said she has a small family, it's weird that you translated that as dysfunctional. I don't think you're as stable as you think.
He said small family that isn't that close.
Anonymous
02/07/2021 10:57
Subject: Fiance wants to elope, I want a wedding
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You're going to get everyone telling you to elope, because a) they almost always side with the woman on these posts, B) most people here have dysfunctional families and dysfunctional themselves
To it's a pretty bad sign of her lack of respect for you that she wants you to disregard something that's deeply important to you, having your parents attend your wedding. That's not an unreasonable thing. She's asking you to drop your value s for her.
It's also a bad sign that she knowingly wants you to do something that will make you unhappy and drive a wedge between you and her family. It's also a bad sign because her family is dysfunctional she doesn't want you to be connected to your family anymore.
Her behavior and her ask is abusive, and it will not get better, but worse over time, and it will eventually involve your kids if you have them. You don't want to be married to this toxic person.
But since you want to get married, compromise. The compromise is a small wedding with your parents, maybe grandparents and siblings if everyone is close by, and possibly a large party later.
If she can't compromise on the small wedding. End it.
HAHAHAHA! Yes, OP, call the police and report abuse. They will definitely drag her off in cuffs and keep her in the pokey until she agrees to a white wedding.
It's sad you think abusive behavior is funny. Abuse escalates over time, his fiance's behavior is a huge red flag, and ideally, he would leave the relationship, so it doesn't get to the point of the police needing to be called.
Good Lord, you're nuts. Not wanting a wedding is not abusive. Up your meds.
Anonymous
02/07/2021 10:57
Subject: Fiance wants to elope, I want a wedding
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You're going to get everyone telling you to elope, because a) they almost always side with the woman on these posts, B) most people here have dysfunctional families and dysfunctional themselves
To it's a pretty bad sign of her lack of respect for you that she wants you to disregard something that's deeply important to you, having your parents attend your wedding. That's not an unreasonable thing. She's asking you to drop your value s for her.
It's also a bad sign that she knowingly wants you to do something that will make you unhappy and drive a wedge between you and her family. It's also a bad sign because her family is dysfunctional she doesn't want you to be connected to your family anymore.
Her behavior and her ask is abusive, and it will not get better, but worse over time, and it will eventually involve your kids if you have them. You don't want to be married to this toxic person.
But since you want to get married, compromise. The compromise is a small wedding with your parents, maybe grandparents and siblings if everyone is close by, and possibly a large party later.
If she can't compromise on the small wedding. End it.
HAHAHAHA! Yes, OP, call the police and report abuse. They will definitely drag her off in cuffs and keep her in the pokey until she agrees to a white wedding.
It's sad you think abusive behavior is funny. Abuse escalates over time, his fiance's behavior is a huge red flag, and ideally, he would leave the relationship, so it doesn't get to the point of the police needing to be called.
NP. Isn't it abusive to consider, honor and prioritize the wishes over your family over that of your significant other? Since we're throwing around ABUSE cries...
In this instance, it is not. Fiance knows having his family at the wedding is important to OP, she has now instigated an issue that is ultimately about control, her control over, OP, her behavior is abusive you can mock it all you want, but that's what it is. And if you behave this way in your relationships pushing your husband not to nurture relationships with his family of origin so you can feel you have control and power ou too are engaging in abusive behavior,
Abuse is not limited to being being hit.
Anonymous
02/07/2021 10:57
Subject: Fiance wants to elope, I want a wedding
Anonymous wrote:You're going to get everyone telling you to elope, because a) they almost always side with the woman on these posts, B) most people here have dysfunctional families and dysfunctional themselves
To it's a pretty bad sign of her lack of respect for you that she wants you to disregard something that's deeply important to you, having your parents attend your wedding. That's not an unreasonable thing. She's asking you to drop your value s for her.
It's also a bad sign that she knowingly wants you to do something that will make you unhappy and drive a wedge between you and her family. It's also a bad sign because her family is dysfunctional she doesn't want you to be connected to your family anymore.
Her behavior and her ask is abusive, and it will not get better, but worse over time, and it will eventually involve your kids if you have them. You don't want to be married to this toxic person.
But since you want to get married, compromise. The compromise is a small wedding with your parents, maybe grandparents and siblings if everyone is close by, and possibly a large party later.
If she can't compromise on the small wedding. End it.
Op said she has a small family, it's weird that you translated that as dysfunctional. I don't think you're as stable as you think.
Anonymous
02/07/2021 10:54
Subject: Fiance wants to elope, I want a wedding
Waaaay pre-Covid, 15 years ago, husband wanted a fairly large wedding, not necessarily for family but majorly huge friend group. I wanted to elope. We compromised with very small family-only wedding and he would then plan his friend reception after the fact, however he wanted.
He never planned it. Realized after we were married it just didn't matter. Not sure if that would happen here, but it does put things in perspective when you're given a chance to see what actually matters in this scenario. Hint: it's really not your family.
He never planned it. Realized after we were married it just didn't matter. Not sure if that would happen here, but it does put things in perspective when you're given a chance to see what actually matters in this scenario. Hint: it's really not your family.
Anonymous
02/07/2021 10:52
Subject: Fiance wants to elope, I want a wedding
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Wait a minute. They agreed to a wedding in June 2022, with everyone there. Why is it okay for the fiance to go back on her words? Isn't the usual refrain around here you have to stick to what you agreed to, a promise is a promise?
Was a contract drawn up? No, I didn’t think so. She’s allowed to change her mind, and even to change her mind about marrying him at all.
Are contracts drawn up when someone agrees to move back home pre marriage? No. It's a verbal agreement in the moment, but everyone here crows on and on about going back on their word, and they have to agree to what they said.
She absolutely can change her mind about marrying, OP. As can OP, he can decide not to marry her, and I think that would be a wise decision.
Anonymous
02/07/2021 10:51
Subject: Fiance wants to elope, I want a wedding
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You're going to get everyone telling you to elope, because a) they almost always side with the woman on these posts, B) most people here have dysfunctional families and dysfunctional themselves
To it's a pretty bad sign of her lack of respect for you that she wants you to disregard something that's deeply important to you, having your parents attend your wedding. That's not an unreasonable thing. She's asking you to drop your value s for her.
It's also a bad sign that she knowingly wants you to do something that will make you unhappy and drive a wedge between you and her family. It's also a bad sign because her family is dysfunctional she doesn't want you to be connected to your family anymore.
Her behavior and her ask is abusive, and it will not get better, but worse over time, and it will eventually involve your kids if you have them. You don't want to be married to this toxic person.
But since you want to get married, compromise. The compromise is a small wedding with your parents, maybe grandparents and siblings if everyone is close by, and possibly a large party later.
If she can't compromise on the small wedding. End it.
HAHAHAHA! Yes, OP, call the police and report abuse. They will definitely drag her off in cuffs and keep her in the pokey until she agrees to a white wedding.
It's sad you think abusive behavior is funny. Abuse escalates over time, his fiance's behavior is a huge red flag, and ideally, he would leave the relationship, so it doesn't get to the point of the police needing to be called.
NP. Isn't it abusive to consider, honor and prioritize the wishes over your family over that of your significant other? Since we're throwing around ABUSE cries...
Anonymous
02/07/2021 10:50
Subject: Fiance wants to elope, I want a wedding
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You're going to get everyone telling you to elope, because a) they almost always side with the woman on these posts, B) most people here have dysfunctional families and dysfunctional themselves
To it's a pretty bad sign of her lack of respect for you that she wants you to disregard something that's deeply important to you, having your parents attend your wedding. That's not an unreasonable thing. She's asking you to drop your value s for her.
It's also a bad sign that she knowingly wants you to do something that will make you unhappy and drive a wedge between you and her family. It's also a bad sign because her family is dysfunctional she doesn't want you to be connected to your family anymore.
Her behavior and her ask is abusive, and it will not get better, but worse over time, and it will eventually involve your kids if you have them. You don't want to be married to this toxic person.
But since you want to get married, compromise. The compromise is a small wedding with your parents, maybe grandparents and siblings if everyone is close by, and possibly a large party later.
If she can't compromise on the small wedding. End it.
HAHAHAHA! Yes, OP, call the police and report abuse. They will definitely drag her off in cuffs and keep her in the pokey until she agrees to a white wedding.
It's sad you think abusive behavior is funny. Abuse escalates over time, his fiance's behavior is a huge red flag, and ideally, he would leave the relationship, so it doesn't get to the point of the police needing to be called.
Anonymous
02/07/2021 10:46
Subject: Fiance wants to elope, I want a wedding
Anonymous wrote:Wait a minute. They agreed to a wedding in June 2022, with everyone there. Why is it okay for the fiance to go back on her words? Isn't the usual refrain around here you have to stick to what you agreed to, a promise is a promise?
Was a contract drawn up? No, I didn’t think so. She’s allowed to change her mind, and even to change her mind about marrying him at all.
Anonymous
02/07/2021 10:43
Subject: Fiance wants to elope, I want a wedding
Anonymous wrote:You're going to get everyone telling you to elope, because a) they almost always side with the woman on these posts, B) most people here have dysfunctional families and dysfunctional themselves
To it's a pretty bad sign of her lack of respect for you that she wants you to disregard something that's deeply important to you, having your parents attend your wedding. That's not an unreasonable thing. She's asking you to drop your value s for her.
It's also a bad sign that she knowingly wants you to do something that will make you unhappy and drive a wedge between you and her family. It's also a bad sign because her family is dysfunctional she doesn't want you to be connected to your family anymore.
Her behavior and her ask is abusive, and it will not get better, but worse over time, and it will eventually involve your kids if you have them. You don't want to be married to this toxic person.
But since you want to get married, compromise. The compromise is a small wedding with your parents, maybe grandparents and siblings if everyone is close by, and possibly a large party later.
If she can't compromise on the small wedding. End it.
HAHAHAHA! Yes, OP, call the police and report abuse. They will definitely drag her off in cuffs and keep her in the pokey until she agrees to a white wedding.
Anonymous
02/07/2021 10:42
Subject: Fiance wants to elope, I want a wedding
I am a woman. Do not get married until you find a compromise. Planning a wedding is the first big test of your ability to solve problems together. This is a bad sign. Your traditions and feelings matter. Hers do too.
Anonymous
02/07/2021 09:48
Subject: Fiance wants to elope, I want a wedding
OP doesn’t actually say he wants a wedding because it’s important to HIM. Everything he says is about his family’s opinion - this would not fly with his family, sign of disrespect to his family.
What does “a traditional family” mean in this context? Does OP refer to some cultural aspect? If so, what is the specific culture that is disrespected by a lack of large wedding? Does OP’s fiancée come from the same culture? If not, what other kinds of cultural expectations will exist for her in this marriage? Or was “a traditional family” a dig at the fiancée?
She is right that it would be cheaper and that y’all wouldn’t have to wait. I can understand why someone wouldn’t want to wait. I can also understand someone who is willing to wait for something they want done a particular way for a particular reason. I just don’t think that “not disrespecting DH’s family” is a great reason for waiting 2 years to have an expensive wedding that neither person getting married really wants themselves. DH’s family doesn’t get a vote here.
What does “a traditional family” mean in this context? Does OP refer to some cultural aspect? If so, what is the specific culture that is disrespected by a lack of large wedding? Does OP’s fiancée come from the same culture? If not, what other kinds of cultural expectations will exist for her in this marriage? Or was “a traditional family” a dig at the fiancée?
She is right that it would be cheaper and that y’all wouldn’t have to wait. I can understand why someone wouldn’t want to wait. I can also understand someone who is willing to wait for something they want done a particular way for a particular reason. I just don’t think that “not disrespecting DH’s family” is a great reason for waiting 2 years to have an expensive wedding that neither person getting married really wants themselves. DH’s family doesn’t get a vote here.
Anonymous
02/07/2021 09:46
Subject: Fiance wants to elope, I want a wedding
A compromise would be a small ceremony.
Op what is more important - being married or throwing the party that your family wants?
Op what is more important - being married or throwing the party that your family wants?