Anonymous wrote:Here is my reply to SIL:

When you married my brother, you married into the family. You are not a silo, you are not on an island, you are not a hermit; you are part of a group, you are part of a tribe, you are part of our family.

Many of your problems with my brother stem from your inability to adapt. You sought him out because he comes from a functional family unit and people like you, from dysfunctional family units, frequently will seek out (subconsciously or not) a partner who is functional. Then you arrived into our functional family and immediately began to try out your dysfunctional ways. You are finding that they don't work. You're mad about it.

You needed to decide whether you're going to change for the better or whether you're going to be mad all the time. You chose to be mad and angry all the time. Now hopefully my brother will decide it isn't worth it. There are better women out there and he deserves to find one.

Anonymous wrote:Here is my reply to SIL:

When you married my brother, you married into the family. You are not a silo, you are not on an island, you are not a hermit; you are part of a group, you are part of a tribe, you are part of our family.

Many of your problems with my brother stem from your inability to adapt. You sought him out because he comes from a functional family unit and people like you, from dysfunctional family units, frequently will seek out (subconsciously or not) a partner who is functional. Then you arrived into our functional family and immediately began to try out your dysfunctional ways. You are finding that they don't work. You're mad about it.

You needed to decide whether you're going to change for the better or whether you're going to be mad all the time. You chose to be mad and angry all the time. Now hopefully my brother will decide it isn't worth it. There are better women out there and he deserves to find one.

Anonymous wrote:I don't have a brother, but your guys are full of BS. You don't care if your DH has a relationship with his sister or parents? Yes, that is exactly right, but the point is that you are fine with him not having much contact with them. If he does have it, all hell breaks loose.
You become the SIL that you hate. You can deny it all you want, but it is the truth. When was the last time we had a thread that said, "DH and his sister have a great relationship! He gets together with her once a week! I am so happy for him."
So, yes, you all don't care if he doesn't have a relationship. God forbid he went to fix her car, on vacation with her, you are as green as a frog in that case!

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I agree your SIL is not your business but I have a BIL with a younger second wife who has been whisking him all over the country so she can follow her career aspirations. He likes living that way, I guess, though knowing him, I wouldn't put all of my money on it. They've moved twice for her jobs since he retired several years ago. Well, he's an awesome BIL and I always imagined we'd all be closer as we aged. My kids love him to death but SIL could care less about his family. He's pushing 65, is healthy but not in great health, had a heart scare and now she's taking him away again on one of her career jaunts to another state where he knows absolutely no one. She earns more than his pension brings in, so I think he won't leave her ever for fear of having to live hand to mouth.

I get it, his marriage, his business. I do get this sinking feeling though, one day, that he's going to land in a rehab home or nursing facility 1,000 miles away and we're not going to be able to help care for him. She seems to think she's the only significant person in his life. We don't have a lot of family, and neither do they (she has an adult child in another state she doesn't see much of).

Anonymous wrote:Here is my reply to SIL:

When you married my brother, you married into the family. You are not a silo, you are not on an island, you are not a hermit; you are part of a group, you are part of a tribe, you are part of our family.

Many of your problems with my brother stem from your inability to adapt. You sought him out because he comes from a functional family unit and people like you, from dysfunctional family units, frequently will seek out (subconsciously or not) a partner who is functional. Then you arrived into our functional family and immediately began to try out your dysfunctional ways. You are finding that they don't work. You're mad about it.

You needed to decide whether you're going to change for the better or whether you're going to be mad all the time. You chose to be mad and angry all the time. Now hopefully my brother will decide it isn't worth it. There are better women out there and he deserves to find one.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is my reply to SIL:

When you married my brother, you married into the family. You are not a silo, you are not on an island, you are not a hermit; you are part of a group, you are part of a tribe, you are part of our family.

Many of your problems with my brother stem from your inability to adapt. You sought him out because he comes from a functional family unit and people like you, from dysfunctional family units, frequently will seek out (subconsciously or not) a partner who is functional. Then you arrived into our functional family and immediately began to try out your dysfunctional ways. You are finding that they don't work. You're mad about it.

You needed to decide whether you're going to change for the better or whether you're going to be mad all the time. You chose to be mad and angry all the time. Now hopefully my brother will decide it isn't worth it. There are better women out there and he deserves to find one.

Question: do you have a life of your own or are you codependent on your family of origin?

Anonymous wrote:Here is my reply to SIL:

When you married my brother, you married into the family. You are not a silo, you are not on an island, you are not a hermit; you are part of a group, you are part of a tribe, you are part of our family.

Many of your problems with my brother stem from your inability to adapt. You sought him out because he comes from a functional family unit and people like you, from dysfunctional family units, frequently will seek out (subconsciously or not) a partner who is functional. Then you arrived into our functional family and immediately began to try out your dysfunctional ways. You are finding that they don't work. You're mad about it.

You needed to decide whether you're going to change for the better or whether you're going to be mad all the time. You chose to be mad and angry all the time. Now hopefully my brother will decide it isn't worth it. There are better women out there and he deserves to find one.

Anonymous wrote:Here is my reply to SIL:

When you married my brother, you married into the family. You are not a silo, you are not on an island, you are not a hermit; you are part of a group, you are part of a tribe, you are part of our family.

Many of your problems with my brother stem from your inability to adapt. You sought him out because he comes from a functional family unit and people like you, from dysfunctional family units, frequently will seek out (subconsciously or not) a partner who is functional. Then you arrived into our functional family and immediately began to try out your dysfunctional ways. You are finding that they don't work. You're mad about it.

You needed to decide whether you're going to change for the better or whether you're going to be mad all the time. You chose to be mad and angry all the time. Now hopefully my brother will decide it isn't worth it. There are better women out there and he deserves to find one.

Anonymous wrote:I’m nearing my 15 year anniversary and I am also done. I tried and tried but realized it wasn’t really about me. It was about them and their family dynamics. Now I make him deliver all news, bad or good and all decisions. I don’t get involved besides being a moral support and someone that he can bounce ideas off of.

It has been incredibly freeing. I am learned to be ok with not being their “good” list but I guess it was a farce from the beginning. Just took me a long time to realize.

Anonymous wrote:Who my brother chooses for a spouse is my business. He wants it to be my business. If you’re close to your siblings, the idea that it’s not your business who they marry or how they live their life is silly. That said, I really like my ex-SIL and was happy they got married and sad they got divorced, though I understand it. Who my DH’s brothers marry and how they live their lives is not quite as much my business, but I really like my SIL and likely future SIL on that side of the family too. I have the most difficulty with my MIL because we have very different lives, but she’s well-intentioned and generally good with my kids, so I make the effort.

Anonymous wrote:Why and whether your brother married her is...not your business.

Whether decisions they make as a couple (and yes, him going along with her wishes IS HIS DECISION), such as how much time to spend with your family/where the spend holidays...not your business.

Her social media habits and privacy settings...not your business.

How THEY choose to raise THEIR children (and yes, him going along with her wishes IS HIS DECISION...not your business, unless they are abusing or neglecting their kids.

Your mother's relationship or lack thereof with your brother and his wife...not your business.

What gifts, cards, calls or occasion/holiday gifts YOUR BROTHER chooses to send to his family, or not...not your business, and literally not your SIL's responsibility, at all.

Wow thank you. This is my life and has been for 45 years and I agree 100%. Just copy and pasted to my SIL LOL. And I will enjoy that for the whole day.

In all seriousness this is 100% correct.

Your SIL's choice in career (or no career), or any other aspect of her life choices...not your business.

Stay in your lane.

That's all.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I absolutely agreed. She is my brother's problem, not mine.

Agree

I wish my brother would stop trying to force us to be friends. I don’t want her in my texts to my sister. She’s lying twat, but she’s his problem, not mine. I’m cordial at family get togethers, and that is enough.

Anonymous wrote:I don't have a brother, but your guys are full of BS. You don't care if your DH has a relationship with his sister or parents? Yes, that is exactly right, but the point is that you are fine with him not having much contact with them. If he does have it, all hell breaks loose.
You become the SIL that you hate. You can deny it all you want, but it is the truth. When was the last time we had a thread that said, "DH and his sister have a great relationship! He gets together with her once a week! I am so happy for him."
So, yes, you all don't care if he doesn't have a relationship. God forbid he went to fix her car, on vacation with her, you are as green as a frog in that case!