Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:tell him that you expect nothing from your father's estate. I have family that is banking on something while I am taking care of my own finances so I don't have to worry about that.

It is your father's estate, he can donate it all to some charity or leave it all to the new wife. bottom line is your husband is looking for a payday.

+1

How much are we talking, OP?

I am not comfortable sharing amounts, sorry. It isn't pittance, or the conversation would not have come up.

Anonymous wrote:
You seem overly sensitive about this. Calm down.

Your husband has a practical and cynical outlook, but he's not necessarily wrong and is not blinded by filial devotion.

Keep loving and supporting your father, but respect that your husband is looking out for you financially.

Thanks for sharing your perspective and adding the part about calming down, which is always helpful.

I read a lot of the comments here with interest. I don't think there is a way for me to bring up my dad's will with him without seeming insensitive. Even if my intentions are good, asking someone about their will is very tricky - they should be bringing it up, not you. This is why I am offended by my husband's comments, even if his intentions were pure.

Do you have any good suggestions for how to approach this conversation?

Anonymous wrote:tell him that you expect nothing from your father's estate. I have family that is banking on something while I am taking care of my own finances so I don't have to worry about that.

It is your father's estate, he can donate it all to some charity or leave it all to the new wife. bottom line is your husband is looking for a payday.

+1

How much are we talking, OP?

True story with a friend of mine.

Mom died.

Dad remarried than died of a heart attack within the year; his will had not been updated.

New wife got EVERYTHING, including all the jewelry that belonged to my friend’s mother.

It’s worth a what-if conversation with your dad.

My parents are 70 and 69 and last year my dad gave us a good overview of their wills and estate plans so that we would understand all of their intentions assuming he died first or my mom died first. He also spoke about what would happen if one of them, the survivor, was to remarry and how virtually all of the assets would go to us, their grandchildren and charity. He provided us with all of the contact info we would need if something were to happen to them in terms of their attorney, accountant etc. I'm really glad we had the discussion because it would keep us from getting into the issue that OP has.

Anonymous wrote:Time to get a post-nup that says that inheritances won't be treated as marital assets, and talk to your lawyer about how to use and structure so they stay that way (it can get messy if they are used as marital assets). Then your husband can stop caring about how much you inherit because it won't be his problem

+1

Anonymous wrote:Wow so many greedy and entitled children here.

Meh. Throughout human history, across substantially all cultures (and in to the present for many of us), the concept of inheritance/generational wealth transfer has been a fundamental part of family, society and economy. It’s not a small thing. It is a bedrock aspect of organized society.

I know we all wish life were a whimsical rom-com now, but that ain’t reality. A 70 year old widower shouldn’t be rushing into marriage with a substantially younger woman and robbing from his line in order to fund her and her kids. They can be together, he can splurge on their life together, etc., but if he actually amends his will at the expense of his family he’s an ass and someone should tell him that. Often it’s going to be someone like a son in law who has the requisite distance to do so. (OP already said she’d be uncomfortable with that conversation.)

Anonymous wrote:Wow so many greedy and entitled children here.

+1

Exactly.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people are truly awful when parents start dating. My dad was single for over 25 years, and when he finally found someone to be with (and he was SO happy), my siblings all flipped out. My sister said "well there goes my inheritance", walked out of the house, and did not speak to him for months. She and my mom then orchestrated an entire plan to break them up, which sadly will probably be successful.

But this is not even his parent! Shut him down OP. Your dad’s remarriage and your potential inheritance is none of your DH’s business. If you ever do get an inheritance, keep it separate and do not co-mingle it with your husband’s assets. It sounds like your DH is already spending in his mind $ he has no rights to for many reasons.

+1

Def totally inappropriate for your DH to be counting your father's pennies - wow!

Anonymous wrote:Your husband lives in the real world and seems to be the only one making sense.

What is the rush for someone approaching 70 to re-marry??

Whether or not to marry and how soon is the decision of the bride and groom based on their person views, religious beliefs and what the social norms are in their society. I had a conversation with my father to be sure he is not rushing into things. I outlined this conversation in my original post. I am glad I did that. But after that I respected his decision.

Anonymous wrote:Your husband lives in the real world and seems to be the only one making sense.

What is the rush for someone approaching 70 to re-marry??

Because even at that age OP’s father has right to live his life. What’s your solution for old people? Gas chamber?

Wow so many greedy and entitled children here.

Your husband lives in the real world and seems to be the only one making sense.

What is the rush for someone approaching 70 to re-marry??

You seem overly sensitive about this. Calm down.

Your husband has a practical and cynical outlook, but he's not necessarily wrong and is not blinded by filial devotion.

Keep loving and supporting your father, but respect that your husband is looking out for you financially.

There's a lot of focus on what happens to his money, but we were in the opposite situation where my widowed MIL had little to her name and remarried. She always thought her second DH had more than he did but he was secretive about money, put her money into his joint accounts and kept his separate, etc. Long story short, they are now elderly and divorced (after a huge betrayal by him), and her future care will likely fall completely on us (siblings not well-positioned to help). It has been beyond stressful and the difficulties compounded by the fact that no one ever wants to talk about this stuff until it's too late. We also weathered earlier conversations about where she'd be buried (he would decide even though she had a plot with her first husband), and those were hard on the children too. So I'd encourage you just to keep lines of conversation open with your dad. It's not always about the money, but often can be about expectations regarding care and other future plans/wishes.

Remarriages aside, I think most people our age (40s-50s) should probably have more honest conversations with their parents around their parents' plans for the future in terms of care, independence, savings, final wishes, etc. It can really save everyone so much grief and trouble and really build closeness too in a weird way because your parents know how much you'll be in their corner to ensure their plans/wishes can be carried out.