Anonymous wrote:If husbands having affairs are so extremely common, and yet the severity of the consequences to the wife are so equally extreme, are marital relationships set up for the perception of failure by applying "rules" that statistically dictate a high rate of failure, and the resulting gnashing of teeth and existential relationship decision-making by the cheated on wife?

What if the expectation was that he is going to at some point satiate his natural urges, and not because he hates his wife, but because it's what males do.

I think a lot of people acknowledge that if over 20 or 30 plus years, the husband or wife has an affair, this is still overall a person who is good at monogamy. Versus a serial cheater who is not or does not want to be and has multiple deceptions.

Anonymous wrote:Get a postnup now, while the iron is hot.

It’s basically negotiating the terms of your divorce while there is still the hope of the marriage staying intact—which is a much more constructive bargaining position for both of you, and a stronger position for the person who would lose or have to fight for the most otherwise.

It will raise the price of future bad acts to the point where they may not occur, and if they do you may not care.

Very good advice!

Mine went and got STI tested, a vasectomy, drafted a VERY generous post-nup, and started therapy all BEFORE I asked for anything. It was in the first two weeks after he dumped the AP and confessed everything to me. He had all of that done. He also answered every.single question I had and continues to do so and I asked some very explicit stuff. Nothing was off limits. He also immediately gave me the woman’s name, etc.

He did all of the grocery shopping, cooking (and still is) 9 months later. Cleans, drives the kid, checks their school work, etc. He made a chart of time he wasted (the hour or so a month) he spent with her and a pay back time chart. Again, nothing I asked for.

BUT—most important is the post-nup!!! I make great $/have a great career and always have—but if this were ever to happen again—I’d get both homes.

My therapist calls them “guard rails” before id even be willing to consider reconciliation I would want some high @ss guard rails before I’d even consider reconciling. And, hey, you can change your mind at anytime.

If husbands having affairs are so extremely common, and yet the severity of the consequences to the wife are so equally extreme, are marital relationships set up for the perception of failure by applying "rules" that statistically dictate a high rate of failure, and the resulting gnashing of teeth and existential relationship decision-making by the cheated on wife?

What if the expectation was that he is going to at some point satiate his natural urges, and not because he hates his wife, but because it's what males do.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:It’s telling the amount of OW weighing in. Bitter after they were dumped and do not want to see the guy they tried to exit with reconcile and be happy.

The OW got very angry when my spouse started therapy because he was having a crisis of conscience for what he was doing and had brought up ending their NSA. She said “this will mean you will break up with me”. She also got mad at him when we got a family dog. She stalked me. She was married and looking to find a new guy to support her and kids.

These people are crazy and angry for others happiness.

Omg. I had a similar experience. She told me she was extremely jealous of me. She’s cheating on her husband by screwing mine and yet she’s jealous of me?!! Wtf? Yeah- I’m really lucky to be cheated on, sweetie.

Your spouse brought this woman into your life.

Duh. Yes- he brought a batsh@t crazy woman he met on the Internet into our lives.

And yet you're spending the rest of your life forgiig him and babysitting him and ranting about that crazy woman on the internet.

You seem oddly very invested in this.

I just hink it's weird that women go on an on about forgiving their husbands, and overcoming the affair, and they're sronger than ever now but still ave all this negative energy towards the oow as if she exists in a vacuum and it wasn't her "poor damaged" husband who brought that woman into their lives. I guess they have to feel like they won somehow.

I have to tell you that this was not my reality after the initial few weeks and certainly not now years later. She starts to recede in the crisis as you rebuild and focus on you and spouse as a couple. Especially if you start therapy...the focus is the present and future and the past as it relates to your husband and what was happening in him. And then once you start your sexual relationship again (some never stopped) the intimacy grows and you feel his reinvestment and she fades even more. Yes, the early stage, you want answers, you may be very curious and insecure etc. But it's a stage. I don't think about the ow very much anymore. If I do it is in a detached way, like a curiosity (i knew her as an acquantance) . When i used to get stuck there I would take it to therapy. That helped me work it through. I think that happens for a lot of wives. It's part of recovering.

Get a postnup now, while the iron is hot.

It’s basically negotiating the terms of your divorce while there is still the hope of the marriage staying intact—which is a much more constructive bargaining position for both of you, and a stronger position for the person who would lose or have to fight for the most otherwise.

It will raise the price of future bad acts to the point where they may not occur, and if they do you may not care.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s telling the amount of OW weighing in. Bitter after they were dumped and do not want to see the guy they tried to exit with reconcile and be happy.

The OW got very angry when my spouse started therapy because he was having a crisis of conscience for what he was doing and had brought up ending their NSA. She said “this will mean you will break up with me”. She also got mad at him when we got a family dog. She stalked me. She was married and looking to find a new guy to support her and kids.

These people are crazy and angry for others happiness.

Omg. I had a similar experience. She told me she was extremely jealous of me. She’s cheating on her husband by screwing mine and yet she’s jealous of me?!! Wtf? Yeah- I’m really lucky to be cheated on, sweetie.

Your spouse brought this woman into your life.

Duh. Yes- he brought a batsh@t crazy woman he met on the Internet into our lives.

And yet you're spending the rest of your life forgiig him and babysitting him and ranting about that crazy woman on the internet.

You seem oddly very invested in this.

I just hink it's weird that women go on an on about forgiving their husbands, and overcoming the affair, and they're sronger than ever now but still ave all this negative energy towards the oow as if she exists in a vacuum and it wasn't her "poor damaged" husband who brought that woman into their lives. I guess they have to feel like they won somehow.

So the OW won. Got it. Where is she now? Did her husband take her back? Or has she still not found one?

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:It’s telling the amount of OW weighing in. Bitter after they were dumped and do not want to see the guy they tried to exit with reconcile and be happy.

The OW got very angry when my spouse started therapy because he was having a crisis of conscience for what he was doing and had brought up ending their NSA. She said “this will mean you will break up with me”. She also got mad at him when we got a family dog. She stalked me. She was married and looking to find a new guy to support her and kids.

These people are crazy and angry for others happiness.

Omg. I had a similar experience. She told me she was extremely jealous of me. She’s cheating on her husband by screwing mine and yet she’s jealous of me?!! Wtf? Yeah- I’m really lucky to be cheated on, sweetie.

Your spouse brought this woman into your life.

Duh. Yes- he brought a batsh@t crazy woman he met on the Internet into our lives.

And yet you're spending the rest of your life forgiig him and babysitting him and ranting about that crazy woman on the internet.

You seem oddly very invested in this.

I just hink it's weird that women go on an on about forgiving their husbands, and overcoming the affair, and they're sronger than ever now but still ave all this negative energy towards the oow as if she exists in a vacuum and it wasn't her "poor damaged" husband who brought that woman into their lives. I guess they have to feel like they won somehow.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I was a WW so you may not want to hear from me, I am sorry for what you are going through. After d-day, my H made the decision not to decide at that time. He recognized he was a mess because of my actions. That did not mean I had a get-out-of-jail-free card; he had very specific expectations from me to even give our marriage a chance. So my advice is you do not need to make a huge decision immediately. Maybe give it six months. Or a year. Or not! Frankly, you have the right to make the decision you want at any time. Your husband took the truth of your life away from you for at least nine months, and now that you have that truth, it is your right to make the choice you feel is best for you (and your kids) at any time...whether that is now, in a year, in five years. Again, I am sorry you are going through this, and good luck.

Are you only remorseful for getting caught?

NP ... I'm only remorseful for getting caught. But still together.

So for the NP, this seems to cut in favor of OP getting a divorce. It doesn’t really matter what his expectations are for your marriage and how well you satisfy them, you aren’t really sorry about. And I’m sure your spouse doesn’t know that you aren’t really sorry, so in a way you’re kind of still cheating because you’re keeping that very important bit of information from him. How are you ever supposed to know that your spouse is actually committed to fidelity after an affair? If you’re willing to hide the affair to stay married, why not hide your lack of remorse to stay married too?

Man I always thought I could forgive my husband if he had an affair after lots of therapy and true remorse because once I read that marriages can bounce back, but this thread is making me think otherwise.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s telling the amount of OW weighing in. Bitter after they were dumped and do not want to see the guy they tried to exit with reconcile and be happy.

The OW got very angry when my spouse started therapy because he was having a crisis of conscience for what he was doing and had brought up ending their NSA. She said “this will mean you will break up with me”. She also got mad at him when we got a family dog. She stalked me. She was married and looking to find a new guy to support her and kids.

These people are crazy and angry for others happiness.

Omg. I had a similar experience. She told me she was extremely jealous of me. She’s cheating on her husband by screwing mine and yet she’s jealous of me?!! Wtf? Yeah- I’m really lucky to be cheated on, sweetie.

Your spouse brought this woman into your life.

Duh. Yes- he brought a batsh@t crazy woman he met on the Internet into our lives.

And yet you're spending the rest of your life forgiig him and babysitting him and ranting about that crazy woman on the internet.

You seem oddly very invested in this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - was he doing this during the pandemic??? The pandemic has been 9 months.

Yes. How was he traveling and wining and dining her during Covid and that brings up additional health risks he put your family in, not just STIs. Did he address that?

Excellent questions!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s telling the amount of OW weighing in. Bitter after they were dumped and do not want to see the guy they tried to exit with reconcile and be happy.

The OW got very angry when my spouse started therapy because he was having a crisis of conscience for what he was doing and had brought up ending their NSA. She said “this will mean you will break up with me”. She also got mad at him when we got a family dog. She stalked me. She was married and looking to find a new guy to support her and kids.

These people are crazy and angry for others happiness.

Omg. I had a similar experience. She told me she was extremely jealous of me. She’s cheating on her husband by screwing mine and yet she’s jealous of me?!! Wtf? Yeah- I’m really lucky to be cheated on, sweetie.

Your spouse brought this woman into your life.

Duh. Yes- he brought a batsh@t crazy woman he met on the Internet into our lives.

And yet you're spending the rest of your life forgiig him and babysitting him and ranting about that crazy woman on the internet.

Anonymous wrote:Op - was he doing this during the pandemic??? The pandemic has been 9 months.

Yes. How was he traveling and wining and dining her during Covid and that brings up additional health risks he put your family in, not just STIs. Did he address that?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s telling the amount of OW weighing in. Bitter after they were dumped and do not want to see the guy they tried to exit with reconcile and be happy.

The OW got very angry when my spouse started therapy because he was having a crisis of conscience for what he was doing and had brought up ending their NSA. She said “this will mean you will break up with me”. She also got mad at him when we got a family dog. She stalked me. She was married and looking to find a new guy to support her and kids.

These people are crazy and angry for others happiness.

Omg. I had a similar experience. She told me she was extremely jealous of me. She’s cheating on her husband by screwing mine and yet she’s jealous of me?!! Wtf? Yeah- I’m really lucky to be cheated on, sweetie.

Your spouse brought this woman into your life.

Duh. Yes- he brought a batsh@t crazy woman he met on the Internet into our lives.

Op - was he doing this during the pandemic??? The pandemic has been 9 months.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s telling the amount of OW weighing in. Bitter after they were dumped and do not want to see the guy they tried to exit with reconcile and be happy.

The OW got very angry when my spouse started therapy because he was having a crisis of conscience for what he was doing and had brought up ending their NSA. She said “this will mean you will break up with me”. She also got mad at him when we got a family dog. She stalked me. She was married and looking to find a new guy to support her and kids.

These people are crazy and angry for others happiness.

Omg. I had a similar experience. She told me she was extremely jealous of me. She’s cheating on her husband by screwing mine and yet she’s jealous of me?!! Wtf? Yeah- I’m really lucky to be cheated on, sweetie.

Your spouse brought this woman into your life.