Anonymous
Post 01/06/2021 13:28     Subject: Re:Dating A Doctor..
Anonymous wrote:
I don’t want to be a default parent or have a husband who regularly works weekends and misses holidays.


He didn't get to where he is by having this mindset

He's not wired that way. You are entitled to your preferences. There is no reasonable way for him to accommodate, nor should he accommodate, your preference.


Then he shouldn't be a husband and a father. Isn't that what we tell women who pick time consuming careers? If he wants a family he needs to make more family friendly career choices.
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2021 13:15     Subject: Re:Dating A Doctor..
I don’t want to be a default parent or have a husband who regularly works weekends and misses holidays.


He didn't get to where he is by having this mindset

He's not wired that way. You are entitled to your preferences. There is no reasonable way for him to accommodate, nor should he accommodate, your preference.
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2021 12:23     Subject: Dating A Doctor..
The hours depend on the specialty and where he will practice.
I know two doctor families so you don't have to be a sahm if that's not what you want, you will likely need a nanny to fill in the gaps.

It also depends on him. I know doctors who though busy are committed family men and prioritize that time when they have it. I also know doctors whose wives think they are working the holidays or have been called in or working late and they are not.
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2021 11:57     Subject: Re:Dating A Doctor..
Anonymous wrote:He could move to a surgery center for more regular hours. Plus it's probably the more senior people that get the better schedules.


No matter, anesthesiologists have set hours and shifts. He isn’t getting called back to work an hour after his gets home because a patient needs to go back to the OR. He isn’t getting called at 2am for an emergency (unless he is in on call). He is not a surgeon. All in all, he will have a pretty good schedule.
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2021 11:47     Subject: Re:Dating A Doctor..
I think my biggest concern is that you are very mindful of equity and partnership in your relationship and valuing that as how you want it to be and that's fine. But for some professions like medicine, there is no true equal negotiation like the pp said. His work and patients will need to come first as a given. The couple, until he can better choose, works around the work, not the other way around. Sure, you can add help to modify the inequity and maybe he will get more flexibility. But i think on some level you sense you and your potential children will not typically come first. Patients and the work will basically be "the other woman" sometimes. You have to decide if you can do a reframe and accept the nature of his work. No one can know this but you.

Anonymous
Post 01/06/2021 11:40     Subject: Re:Dating A Doctor..
Anonymous wrote:He could move to a surgery center for more regular hours. Plus it's probably the more senior people that get the better schedules.


I’m a doctor married to a doctor, and unless you are talking about actual senior citizens, who of course are given fewer calls and night shifts, this just isn’t true. If anything, more senior people take on the worst shifts themselves and are the ones called to show up when someone calls off at the last minute.
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2021 11:33     Subject: Re:Dating A Doctor..
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If you don’t expect to be be the default parent and don’t want to get used to being solo on some weekends, nights, and holidays then consider this a fling and move on. These are part of the life of being married to doctors in certain specialties.

If kid gets a fever at school, he can’t leave a patient on the table to go pick them up, the school will always call you. If kid throws up before school, he can’t call it in and reschedule patients that booked their surgery weeks or months ago, it will be you that will need to call in sick. He can never work from home. If he takes overnight call, you will likely need to live close to his work not yours. Unless you book your kids’ doctors appts 1-2 months in advance, he won’t be able to take them if he works a day shift because his schedule is booked out at least a month in advance.

- married to a doctor


OP here. I want kids but work in healthcare and love my job. I feel being married to a high earner like a doctor will mean me compromising my job to stay home. I don’t want to be a SAHM.


Then this isn't the man for you. My dad was a doctor with his own private practice, so he had steady M-F hours, but constantly had to be available for emergencies. He really wanted my mom to be a SAHM, but she refused and kept her health care job with no flexibility even though he was a very high earner and we didn't need her salary. The result was absentee parents with a nanny who worked lots of hours. I remember my mom getting angry if any of us got sick, because she had to be at work before the nanny was due to show up and it was a given that my dad couldn't stay home with us. These people saying oh just get a great nanny don't understand how awful it is for the kids. I mommy tracked myself because I couldn't do that to my kids. I see these parents with dual important careers who hire nannies even when kids are elementary age, and the kids are almost always really messed up. Kids are supposed to be a priority, and you can't just live your life as if you didn't have them.

OP, you need the maturity to put kids before anything else. If you're dead set on keeping a career without the flexibility to work from home or stay home with sick kids, then you need a husband who can provide that flexibility. Break up now.
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2021 11:27     Subject: Re:Dating A Doctor..
He could move to a surgery center for more regular hours. Plus it's probably the more senior people that get the better schedules.
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2021 11:20     Subject: Re:Dating A Doctor..
In my twenties, I cooled things off with a guy I otherwise really liked because he was in his residency to be a doctor. I was apprehensive about having to go wherever he got a job, the hours etc. all’s well that ends well and it didn’t change the course of my life, but in hindsight, it was really stupid to discount a smart, ambitious person who I clicked with on account of what I feared might happen. You should date him if you like him.
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2021 10:59     Subject: Dating A Doctor..
Anonymous wrote:We my MD husband works a ton and his time isn’t flexible but he’s a wonderful father. It works bc my job is more traditional hours wise and we have a full time nanny. If he is the person for you this shouldn’t be a deal breaker.

Same here. Op you are oddly fixated on holidays IMO. Not that big of a deal. I’ve been with my husband through residency (we had several kids during residency) and being married to a staff dr is pretty smooth sailing compared to that. Don’t make a problem where there is none.
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2021 10:49     Subject: Dating A Doctor..
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Dating three months and you’re already planning your love together? He’s the one who needs to run.


That's my thinking. Besides that, OP is looking for a husband who works 9 - 5.


OP here. I’m not looking for a guy that works those hours. I’m fine with longer hours. I just want someone who doesn’t work weekends and holidays. I want a man who will be an involved father.

Then date someone else who fits the bill? I’m not understanding the question here.


I feel maybe this was a troll post. Someone who works in healthcare should have figured out if they can deal with a doctor by now.
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2021 10:47     Subject: Re:Dating A Doctor..
What do you do in healthcare, OP? I’m surprised that you’re surprised that people get sick or have accidents and need emergency surgeries evenings, weekends, and holidays.
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2021 10:33     Subject: Re:Dating A Doctor..
My BIL is a surgeon and his wife was a stay at home mom when their kids were little and then took a job at the kid's school once they were middle and high school aged. He basically had no idea how his household was run because he just didn't see it. He had no idea where his clothes or groceries came from because for him they just showed up. He was always at work and his wife took care of everything so they could have fun family time when he wasn't working. With regard to holidays he was lucky because his partner is Jewish and was always happy to work Christmas. They then traded off Thanksgiving/NYE. It was always a bit of a question mark about if and when they would show up for family events. They always made it but occasionally showed up late at night or a day after everyone else because of his schedule. Its not a life I would have been happy with but they seemed to make it work.
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2021 10:25     Subject: Dating A Doctor..
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Dating three months and you’re already planning your love together? He’s the one who needs to run.


That's my thinking. Besides that, OP is looking for a husband who works 9 - 5.


OP here. I’m not looking for a guy that works those hours. I’m fine with longer hours. I just want someone who doesn’t work weekends and holidays. I want a man who will be an involved father.

Then date someone else who fits the bill? I’m not understanding the question here.
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2021 10:23     Subject: Dating A Doctor..
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Dating three months and you’re already planning your love together? He’s the one who needs to run.


That's my thinking. Besides that, OP is looking for a husband who works 9 - 5.


OP here. I’m not looking for a guy that works those hours. I’m fine with longer hours. I just want someone who doesn’t work weekends and holidays. I want a man who will be an involved father.


He will work some weekends and holidays.

He will also be on call sometimes, which means, he might be home but he would need to leave at any minute so don't plan anything that you would get upset about if he leaves. If you want him to paint a room or take the kid to the circus when he is on call, he probably wouldn't because if he gets called he would need to leave. If he worked an overnight call, he would come home and sleep. So it's a post-call day that you consider as his day off but he'll be tired and might not be up to a full day of planned activities.

If you can be flexible with your time and schedule, if you can be supportive of his career (because mentally it takes a toll on both of you), if you have enough money for a full time nanny, if you're okay with celebrating some holidays solo or on days that are different from the actual day, then it can work. If you don't have a lot of friends with doctor spouses, then start making some or you will get resentful and jealous of your 'regular working couple' friends having weekends together or the spouse doing drop off and pick up at school.

I'm not trying to steer you away, he can still be an amazing husband and father. Your life will just be different from what you might be used to or expecting. I wish someone had been this brutally honest with me when I got married. I would have been better prepared for it and adjusted my expectations way earlier. If you both love each other and you are willing to adjust your expectations and be more flexible, then go for it!




I’m married to an anesthesiologist, and I agree with all of this.

Also, I don’t know if she is still writing it, but there is a great blog called the underwear drawer written by an anesthesiologist mom.