Anonymous wrote:My 6DD developmentally is closer to 4/5 due to being in the hospital off and on from age 3 to almost 5. DS is also very immature due to his ADHD although he is very smart, virtual learning has been nightmare, he will rip up papers, throw pencils, and even harm himself or his siblings when frustrated. Their behaviors have completely drained me.

I realize that I see my 9DD has being much older than my younger two. I will admit that I am harder on her and do rely on her for more help. I don’t think my DD is wrong that I’m a shitty mom, but I do need her help, I cannot handle her having tantrums and screaming too over a simple chore.

I am sad this is what my life looks like and I’m also sad that I can’t give my oldest a more normal childhood, but I can’t change the circumstances and I’m at a loss.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 6DD developmentally is closer to 4/5 due to being in the hospital off and on from age 3 to almost 5. DS is also very immature due to his ADHD although he is very smart, virtual learning has been nightmare, he will rip up papers, throw pencils, and even harm himself or his siblings when frustrated. Their behaviors have completely drained me.

I realize that I see my 9DD has being much older than my younger two. I will admit that I am harder on her and do rely on her for more help. I don’t think my DD is wrong that I’m a shitty mom, but I do need her help, I cannot handle her having tantrums and screaming too over a simple chore.

I am sad this is what my life looks like and I’m also sad that I can’t give my oldest a more normal childhood, but I can’t change the circumstances and I’m at a loss.

Np. How about treat her with more kindness? The diswasher did not have to be unloaded right then. You need to be more kind to your dd or she may never want a clse relationship with you.

Anonymous wrote:My 6DD developmentally is closer to 4/5 due to being in the hospital off and on from age 3 to almost 5. DS is also very immature due to his ADHD although he is very smart, virtual learning has been nightmare, he will rip up papers, throw pencils, and even harm himself or his siblings when frustrated. Their behaviors have completely drained me.

I realize that I see my 9DD has being much older than my younger two. I will admit that I am harder on her and do rely on her for more help. I don’t think my DD is wrong that I’m a shitty mom, but I do need her help, I cannot handle her having tantrums and screaming too over a simple chore.

I am sad this is what my life looks like and I’m also sad that I can’t give my oldest a more normal childhood, but I can’t change the circumstances and I’m at a loss.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 6DD developmentally is closer to 4/5 due to being in the hospital off and on from age 3 to almost 5. DS is also very immature due to his ADHD although he is very smart, virtual learning has been nightmare, he will rip up papers, throw pencils, and even harm himself or his siblings when frustrated. Their behaviors have completely drained me.

I realize that I see my 9DD has being much older than my younger two. I will admit that I am harder on her and do rely on her for more help. I don’t think my DD is wrong that I’m a shitty mom, but I do need her help, I cannot handle her having tantrums and screaming too over a simple chore.

I am sad this is what my life looks like and I’m also sad that I can’t give my oldest a more normal childhood, but I can’t change the circumstances and I’m at a loss.

Give her up for adoption to somrone.will.love her and treat
like a valuable human being.

Anonymous wrote:My 6DD developmentally is closer to 4/5 due to being in the hospital off and on from age 3 to almost 5. DS is also very immature due to his ADHD although he is very smart, virtual learning has been nightmare, he will rip up papers, throw pencils, and even harm himself or his siblings when frustrated. Their behaviors have completely drained me.

I realize that I see my 9DD has being much older than my younger two. I will admit that I am harder on her and do rely on her for more help. I don’t think my DD is wrong that I’m a shitty mom, but I do need her help, I cannot handle her having tantrums and screaming too over a simple chore.

I am sad this is what my life looks like and I’m also sad that I can’t give my oldest a more normal childhood, but I can’t change the circumstances and I’m at a loss.

Anonymous wrote:My 6DD developmentally is closer to 4/5 due to being in the hospital off and on from age 3 to almost 5. DS is also very immature due to his ADHD although he is very smart, virtual learning has been nightmare, he will rip up papers, throw pencils, and even harm himself or his siblings when frustrated. Their behaviors have completely drained me.

I realize that I see my 9DD has being much older than my younger two. I will admit that I am harder on her and do rely on her for more help. I don’t think my DD is wrong that I’m a shitty mom, but I do need her help, I cannot handle her having tantrums and screaming too over a simple chore.

I am sad this is what my life looks like and I’m also sad that I can’t give my oldest a more normal childhood, but I can’t change the circumstances and I’m at a loss.

Anonymous wrote:OP maybe you should find a forum for parents of special needs kids. I don’t know what’s with the posters here but they don’t seem to understand a) the importance of making kids do chores and b) the difficulties of raising siblings of special needs kids. You aren’t getting a lot of great advice.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a sibling that took up my parent's attention too - constant psychiatry and medical appointments, problems at school etc. I recognize then and now that they were doing the best they could to ensure that sibling had a good start at life.

But as the child who didn't make waves and excelled at school, it pretty much sucked to be overlooked, not taken into consideration as much, asked to do chores I knew they wouldn't offer to the 'mentally unstable' one etc.

Its unfair. Your child recognizes that and it sounds like you're not listening to their concerns.

This pp hit the nail on the head. There is time to salvage the relationship. If things don't improve, then you sassy 9 year old will soon be a nightmarish teen.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is a bad mother to her oldest child. SHe can be a good mother to two others, but her oldest clearly knows she is neglected. Take this to heart op, do things with your eldest, one on one. Why is she a Cinderella?

Op is not a “bad mother” for having her capable child do chores and and it does not make her daughter a “Cinderella” because she does more chores than her SN siblings. It is good for children to do chores (research has shown this) and most kids complain about doing them and think their mothers are awful, abusive, etc when they make their kids do them. That’s why it is soooo much easier to do it yourself. The difference in this situation is that OP has had a hard go of it and feels bad for not giving this child as much attention as the SN kids, and so took the adolescent gripe seriously.

Anyway, it’s ok that she thinks it’s unfair (I’d remind her it’s unfair that her siblings got cancer/ADHD too), but she can’t disrespect you like that OP.

No. She is not a bad mother. She is a horrible mother
The daughter should not suffer because of the other two. I had a friend in school who younger sister was always sick and had Down syndrome. By the time she was grown she hated her mother and didn't she'd a tear or go to funeral service of either her sister or mother.

Your daughter is neither your maid nor babysitter, OP. Empty your own damn dishwasher!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As much as the other two have been a handful for you, we always have to remember the other kids have needs too. Sometimes all it takes is acknowledgment that it is hard to be the sibling of a child with with special needs, but sometimes it is useful to find a therapist, or even the school counselor, who can be an outside the family adult for the child to share feelings and frustrations about the situation without guilt.

OP, you are no a sh***y mom. You're a mom who loves her kids and is dealing with a lot.

I'm a middle kid, but I was kind of your oldest DD being the only one out of three without high needs/health problems etc. While I came to understand how my parents were doing the best they could, it still takes a toll to be the emotionally neglected child. I don't know all the things my parents could have done to make it better, but one thing that would have gone a long way was a little affection and recognition. I didn't receive a lot of either.

I think if you consciously spent even 5-10 min just being kind to your oldest, asking her about things in her life, letting her know you're proud of her...it will pay off a lot in the long run. Maybe also confide in her (in an age appropriate way) how you feel sometimes. If you are tired, let her know you're tired. If you yell at her, apologize since that's never the best way to handle something. Tell her you know that.

Also, be kind to yourself. You're not a bad mom. You're overwhelmed and being asked to do a lot. Approach this as simply a way to love your DD and give her what she needs.