You're correct that he's a neglectful parent, but it's not all the time. It's only when he's hooked on a video game. When he stops playing for days or weeks, he's fine. Eventually he goes back to gaming and it takes over his life again.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would NEVER have married a guy like that. Because of EXACTLY what you are dealing with now. Start divorce proceedings. If you just leave him with the kids and go out, he will ignore them to play games.

This has been my experience. My teens were talking about Christmas and my son said he wasn't getting a present for his dad because he's spent less than 10 minutes interacting with him this week. When I left the kids with him when they were younger, they complained that he forgot to feed them.

Things are not likely to get better in your house unless he stops gaming completely. Some people can't self-regulate to play a reasonable amount.

The problem with your husband isn’t the game. It’s a symptom not a cause. If he couldn’t remember to feed the kids while in charge of them then he’s a crappy neglectful parent. That is the issue.

Anonymous wrote:I would NEVER have married a guy like that. Because of EXACTLY what you are dealing with now. Start divorce proceedings. If you just leave him with the kids and go out, he will ignore them to play games.

This has been my experience. My teens were talking about Christmas and my son said he wasn't getting a present for his dad because he's spent less than 10 minutes interacting with him this week. When I left the kids with him when they were younger, they complained that he forgot to feed them.

Things are not likely to get better in your house unless he stops gaming completely. Some people can't self-regulate to play a reasonable amount.

How old are these guys?

My husband is a gamer and it use to annoy me. He works a lot and it would annoy me that he would come home and game with his friends rather than spend time with me. I’ve tried playing but I’m just not into it. I feel like all the games my husband has are the same. The only reason why I stopped complaining is because he gets shit done at home now. I know when he’s about to play when I come home, dinner is cooked, house is clean, and baby is in bed.

DW here. Wouldn’t have married someone who spent 12+ hours/day on any hobby.

That said, DH and I have a 4yo and just got a PS5. We don’t play it when she’s awake, but we just finished up a rousing couple of hours playing Sack Boy. Super fun!

Gamer DW here. (I play, husband will occasionally.)

In general, there’s only two issues at the heart of these disputes: 1) that there’s an unequal distribution of labor in the household or 2) the other spouse has an issue with gaming as a hobby.

If your partner isn’t pulling his weight, you should by all means point this out and ask for a plan to make sure the household is handled before gameplay can resume. Sometimes it’s as simple as a checklist of things you want done before game time. If there is bonding happening (which is generally why people spend a lot of time in online games) it might help to just hammer out a schedule. A (female) friend of mine loves shooters and she’ll get texts when we go out with people trying to get her to join. It may just be time management.

But the second issue is a little worse - if you feel like gaming isn’t a legitimate hobby, that’s really rude and condescending to your spouse. What you describe - the drive to beat the game - is really normal, just like movie buffs watch films and Netflix junkies binge watch series. Many of the games I personally like to play take about 100 hours to beat and have really engaging plot lines. My husband was confused when we were dating as to why I didn’t necessarily want to leave the house on a Saturday or how I could spend 12 hours straight in front of a console, but we’ve been together 15 years at this point. He watches a ton of Netflix; I prefer video games. Also, it’s a pandemic - it’s another way to cope.

Wouldn't have married him to begin with.

My husband and I both have addictive personalities. In me, it manifests itself in reading and maybe working out. In him, it’s collecting vinyl and a video game called Clash of the Clans. I seriously hate that game.

I wouldn’t mind it if it was like Instagram - you flip through for 15 minutes and then you put it down. It just seems like every interaction with the game requires HOURS. There’s no “quick game.” If I see the iPad, I know he is going to be a blob for the next few hours.

Whoa missed this post, single woman here would greatly enjoy a gamer husband. Oculus naughty time

Anonymous wrote:I think you sound like a jerk for being judgemental about his choice of hobby. Gaming doesn't have a goal but does fishing really? The satisfaction of catching a fish yes. There is satisfaction in finishing the puzzle of a game. Many many games are basically mental exercises. It is fine to not be into it yourself but I don't see how I can criticize my husband playing a game when I watch the Bachelorette. I know that's very gendered and stereotype filled but accurate in my household.

I played games too and still do when I feel like it so maybe that is the difference? I dunno, but you sound like a nag.

That said, my husband loves games and plays games, sometimes even until 2am or something, but he never shirks his morning duties or any other kid duties. He gets all his chores done (which are not insubstantial) and he pulls his weight with childcare. And he doesn't let it impact our intimate time with each other. If that wasn't the case, we'd have problems. And it was actually a problem early on, so he quit warcraft, which he couldn't play in a controlled way.

You don't have a gamer problem, you have a specific person problem, and that problem is that he leaves you holding the bag, not that he likes games.

+1 I have a few friends who can’t stand to see their Hs enjoying life. And yes these women are a generally mopey and unhappy personality.

I think it's a better hobby than watching sports on tv. He just needs to figured out a time that he can play. For example, he could play all day Sunday and that is his time to get away and plgame.

I think you sound like a jerk for being judgemental about his choice of hobby. Gaming doesn't have a goal but does fishing really? The satisfaction of catching a fish yes. There is satisfaction in finishing the puzzle of a game. Many many games are basically mental exercises. It is fine to not be into it yourself but I don't see how I can criticize my husband playing a game when I watch the Bachelorette. I know that's very gendered and stereotype filled but accurate in my household.

I played games too and still do when I feel like it so maybe that is the difference? I dunno, but you sound like a nag.

That said, my husband loves games and plays games, sometimes even until 2am or something, but he never shirks his morning duties or any other kid duties. He gets all his chores done (which are not insubstantial) and he pulls his weight with childcare. And he doesn't let it impact our intimate time with each other. If that wasn't the case, we'd have problems. And it was actually a problem early on, so he quit warcraft, which he couldn't play in a controlled way.

You don't have a gamer problem, you have a specific person problem, and that problem is that he leaves you holding the bag, not that he likes games.

My BIL is a gamer. The house rule is that he doesn’t play while the kids are awake.

My husband loves video games. It's also a great social outlet for him, as he plays online with several buddies.

It doesn't bother me at all, but he probably plays 10-15 hours a week on average, so not a ton. It does ebb and flow - it'll be a lot right after he gets really into a new game.

The thing that would make the difference to me is if he was leaving me holding the bag, or if I felt neglected. He does half the childcare and housework. We both work full time. We get plenty of quality time together, including at least one date night a week (although they're a little lame right now in the covid era, we always reserve 1-2 evenings per week as us-time). If he wants to spend his lunch break playing video games, or play video games after the kid is asleep, or while I'm watching the baby, what do I care? No different, to me, than reading or golfing or being really into CrossFit. You do you.

If he wasn't doing his half of the housework/childcare, I would feel VERY differently - but I would try to focus my displeasure on that, not the video games.