Anonymous
Post 12/15/2020 12:45     Subject: Should I be honest with my mom’s grief counselor?
I haven't read all of the responses but the counselor is way out of line. Way way way out of line and unprofessional.

Hold your boundaries as needed OP. Tell the counselor to stop contacting you.

Live your life. I'm sorry you had the kind of parenting that put you in this position.
Anonymous
Post 12/15/2020 12:28     Subject: Should I be honest with my mom’s grief counselor?
Anonymous wrote:Yes, I had one of my Dad's many girlfriends call me demanding I see him and it was so unfair as he was such a good dad. After listening to her for an hour, I finally laid into her and told her the truth. At some point, enough is enough.


This happened to me with my Dad's "new" wife (It's been 15+ years) and my inlaws.

I told them both essentially the same thing: Neither had any knowledge of what it was like growing up in our home, with him for a father. The wife has her experience now (and I have no idea what that's like but I do know that she does EVERYTHING for him). My FIL and MIL met him for all of 2 hours when he was on best behavior. So, no, they don't know and they have no business judging me or my decision regarding him. I've put up the boundaries I have after YEARS, DECADES of abusive behavior and this is what I need to do.

Then, I do not discuss it with them. Ever. Sometimes FIL will ask if I've talked to him and I simply respond "no. Pass the bread (or whatever thing we are doing at that time, I deflect.)
Anonymous
Post 12/15/2020 11:51     Subject: Re:Should I be honest with my mom’s grief counselor?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Wait, how is this counselor violating the code of ethics by contacting the OP???


She isn't. Some people are just making stuff up.


She is violating boundaries. Nobody is making stuff up. Also, no counselor would email someone's relative. It is violating confidentiality. She would need to state in the email she has a signed consent form from the client and present a copy and even that is suspect. Call your local licensing board and ask about this.
Anonymous
Post 12/15/2020 11:07     Subject: Re:Should I be honest with my mom’s grief counselor?
Perhaps the grief counselor can counsel the mom on the loss of her living daughter instead of pressuring the daughter in another country to contact the mom. If the mom is so concerned, she can contact the embassy or something. But I really think the mom is concerned about herself if she does have borderline personality disorder and is fearing that the OP is abandoning her for real.
Anonymous
Post 12/15/2020 01:28     Subject: Should I be honest with my mom’s grief counselor?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:18.18 here. After reading your updates I would not contact her. It doesn't sound like a professional therapist and she seems to be trying to get you to reconnect based on her own cultural bias rather than what is good for you.

Do what is right for you. Block the therapist and if you need to speak to someone do that for yourself however you don't need to defend yourself to this person, you really don't.


It sounds like you're projecting here.
Where did you read that she'd have to defend herself?
Block the therapist??

OP, you're an adult and can hang up the phone if you don't like the direction the call is going, but to block the therapist prior to even speaking to them, is rash & unwarranted.


No I'm not projecting. By not defending herself I mean I don't think OP needs to explain her reasoning to this counsellor as to why she is no contact with her mother. Op said it wasn't healthy for her she doesn't need to justify that decision to anyone.

I would block the therapist because she is helping the mother send cards etc for Christmas and birthdays. This tells me that the therapist is trying to reconnect the two parties and this would be her aim if OP contacted her.

OP visited the therapist with her mother last time she visited so she has not only spoken to her but seen her in person so it is not rash to think that she has given this person a chance and isn't comfortable with it. I don't think op is comfortable with it because she is posting here, if she felt ok about it she would have called already and hung up.

Its not only that but the emotional toll it will take on OP to drag all this emotional stuff up and then deal with anything that is said during the phone call. I would only do that if OP is completely comfortable and feels she will get something out of the phone call.


Yes. Block the “counselor”. She has poor boundaries and OP does not owe it to anyone to relive trauma to defend her actions. And it is so inappropriate that she is forwarding OP birthday and Christmas cards. That is not the role of a mental health professional.
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2020 19:09     Subject: Should I be honest with my mom’s grief counselor?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:18.18 here. After reading your updates I would not contact her. It doesn't sound like a professional therapist and she seems to be trying to get you to reconnect based on her own cultural bias rather than what is good for you.

Do what is right for you. Block the therapist and if you need to speak to someone do that for yourself however you don't need to defend yourself to this person, you really don't.


It sounds like you're projecting here.
Where did you read that she'd have to defend herself?
Block the therapist??

OP, you're an adult and can hang up the phone if you don't like the direction the call is going, but to block the therapist prior to even speaking to them, is rash & unwarranted.


No I'm not projecting. By not defending herself I mean I don't think OP needs to explain her reasoning to this counsellor as to why she is no contact with her mother. Op said it wasn't healthy for her she doesn't need to justify that decision to anyone.

I would block the therapist because she is helping the mother send cards etc for Christmas and birthdays. This tells me that the therapist is trying to reconnect the two parties and this would be her aim if OP contacted her.

OP visited the therapist with her mother last time she visited so she has not only spoken to her but seen her in person so it is not rash to think that she has given this person a chance and isn't comfortable with it. I don't think op is comfortable with it because she is posting here, if she felt ok about it she would have called already and hung up.

Its not only that but the emotional toll it will take on OP to drag all this emotional stuff up and then deal with anything that is said during the phone call. I would only do that if OP is completely comfortable and feels she will get something out of the phone call.
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2020 19:01     Subject: Re:Should I be honest with my mom’s grief counselor?
Anonymous wrote:Wait, how is this counselor violating the code of ethics by contacting the OP???


She isn't. Some people are just making stuff up.
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2020 18:09     Subject: Re:Should I be honest with my mom’s grief counselor?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This is OP. My mom has been seeing this grief counselor for a few years since her own mom passed away. My mom doesn't know how to use a computer or even have a smartphone so I know for certain, the email came from the counselor. The counselor even scanned cards with handwritten messages from my mom for my birthday and Christmas. Anyone reading them would go "Awww..what a nice woman wanting to connect with her daughter" but no one truly knows what I have had to endure all those years living with her. I visited the counselor with my mom when I visited my country the last time and that was how we met. I really want don't want to break NC and so I don't feel like responding. At the same time, I don't want to be rude to the counselor by not responding to her email. My spouse says the counselor was out of line and shouldnt have emailed me over a family matter.


The counselor is way out of line to scan birthday cards to you. You should do whatever is helpful and healthy for YOU. Is this grief counselor a social worker or physiologist? She doesn’t sound like a professional. Or is she more like a supportive person your mom found through a church or community group? It doesn’t really matter. I am just surprised that a professional would contact you like that. You don’t owe the counselor ANYTHING. If you want to keep up the no contact, then keep it up. Honestly.


This counselor could lose her license. I would call to verify the counselor is doing this. I suspect it is your mother or this counselor just has zero awareness of her ethics code and whar it means to violate it.


This. Sadly, there are a small number of therapists out there that pull stuff like this and it’s deeply unethical. My sister’s therapist asked me to come meet with her and my sister under the pretense of a discussion about my sister’s treatment. My sister didn’t show and the therapist proceeded to tell me a whole bunch of terrible stuff about my deceased mother (none of which was true). I told my own therapist what happened and she reported her to the licensing board.
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2020 15:01     Subject: Should I be honest with my mom’s grief counselor?
Anonymous wrote:Have you posted before about the counselor billing you for time spent talking with you about your mother?


This is OP again. I have come across that thread but that wasn't me who posted it. I haven't called the counsellor yet. She's a very nice lady but I really don't feel like talking about myself or my mom with her or anyone for that matter. I'm sure I probably come across as unfilial and heartless but I hope deep down, she can see how overbearing and crazy my mom is.
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2020 13:37     Subject: Re:Should I be honest with my mom’s grief counselor?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think the counselor was swayed by the fact that the OP’s mom doesn’t have any other way of getting in touch with OP. Shouldn’t the OP at least write back that she is safe and ok?


No, it's not necessary. It is unlikely that op's mother really cares about the fact that she is safe and ok. This is manipulative.


I think both can be true. Especially if OP is from a family oriented culture, the mom doesn’t register that no contact is actually a thing.
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2020 12:28     Subject: Should I be honest with my mom’s grief counselor?
Have you posted before about the counselor billing you for time spent talking with you about your mother?
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2020 12:20     Subject: Re:Should I be honest with my mom’s grief counselor?
Anonymous wrote:I think the counselor was swayed by the fact that the OP’s mom doesn’t have any other way of getting in touch with OP. Shouldn’t the OP at least write back that she is safe and ok?


No, it's not necessary. It is unlikely that op's mother really cares about the fact that she is safe and ok. This is manipulative.
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2020 12:02     Subject: Re:Should I be honest with my mom’s grief counselor?
I think the counselor was swayed by the fact that the OP’s mom doesn’t have any other way of getting in touch with OP. Shouldn’t the OP at least write back that she is safe and ok?
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2020 11:35     Subject: Should I be honest with my mom’s grief counselor?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It’s happening abroad to my understanding; maybe there are different requirements for counselors.
The fact that you are NC and still are pained by this attempt shows you need your own counselor OP


This is OP. It was actually after some counseling sessions that I felt empowered enough to go NC. I am from a culture which is very focused on filial piety and the idea of estrangement is quite shocking to people in my culture. My mom is an emotionally disturbed person whom I suspect also has Borderline personality disorder. Under her so-called concern for my well-being is really a need for control and I refuse to fulfill that desire for her. Which is why I’m thinking that it’s better to call the counselor rather than give her a response via email as I really like to maintain NC. If she actually shows a response via email to my mom, it would just be used as ammunition. I think pain for someone in my situation is quite a natural response.


You can call if you want to, OP. But the counselor is just an extension of your mom. I think you should go no contact on the counselor too.


OP and everyone who cuts off their parent, don’t you think it’s a cruel thing to do?


Don't YOU think abusing your vulnerable, helpless kids that YOU brought into this world is a cruel thing to do?


It's amazing that the prior poster is so clueless. I can imagine what type of mother she is.
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2020 11:35     Subject: Re:Should I be honest with my mom’s grief counselor?
Anonymous wrote:Is it just me or does it seem that not having your adult child whose living in another country not returning your calls for a year seems almost no big deal to Americans?


Just you. My husband and his mother (in different countries) speak at least twice a week. It would be a huge deal for one of them to sever contact. From what I’ve seen this is typical among people that live in different countries from their parents.

This is, though, a completely separate topic from what the OP posted about as most children are not abused by their parents to the extent that they must make the very difficult choice to end contact with their parent/abuser. I would hope that most adult children, living in the same country or different, would be able to end contact with a toxic parent that abuses them.