Anonymous wrote:I wish women would realize the man going to so called "therapy" is only doing so to stay married. OP he moved on long before he cheated I'm afraid, and apparently has character issues.

I don't know your finances etc. but I would plan for a future without him. You can't force him to change or feel something he doesn't. In fact you're wasting your time. At this point put yourself first, your self esteem and stop caring about his lack of empathy. He's shown you who he is.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. When I tell him that I’m sad about what happened he says I am “playing games to make him feel bad” and that it’s cruel to keep asking him to go to a place that makes him feel shame.

He's a narcissist. Dump this jerk.

And to the pedantic PPs, stop threadjacking.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. When I tell him that I’m sad about what happened he says I am “playing games to make him feel bad” and that it’s cruel to keep asking him to go to a place that makes him feel shame.

Wow. Do yourself a favor and leave now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DP. When I sought therapy after discovering my husband had a double life for 4.5 years, my therapist told me I was suffering all of the classic signs of PTSD and my treatment would be similar. He did say it was a “trauma” and it is treated through “trauma counseling”.

So, OP, I would find a good trauma therapist. You should also be in couples therapy.

Your husband’s behavior is concerning though. Mine never blamed me or refused to let me talk and ask questions as much as I wanted—and he answered them. He is still in his own individual therapy.

Good luck. It sounds like either he has a lot of shame and it hurts too much to go there or he doesn’t really have remorse. It should be his job to do anything to help you heal. If he’s not willing to do that, you will need to make some decisions.

He says he had a dark time and had a mental break. He is trying to move forward and feel like everything is ok and when I keep bringing up the affair it takes him back to a bad place. Idk.

Anonymous wrote:To those objecting to OP's use of the words trauma and PTSD: please recall that trauma is compounding. You do not know what experiences OP had before this event.

I have PTSD from a workplace harassment event about 10 years ago. If I described it to you, you might say "that's not trauma." But what you might not understand is that I also have trauma from childhood abuse and from a sexual assault in my 20s. The workplace harassment triggered memories and associations with those traumas. I can objectively look at those earlier traumas and say that they were more violent, more upsetting events than the workplace harassment. But my brain does not make that distinction when my PTSD kicks in. I have more immediate PTSD effects regarding the workplace harassment than either my childhood abuse or sexual assault. There are lots of reasons for that, but it doesn't change the fact that it's trauma and I have PTSD.

So please do not police other people's descriptions of their life experiences. If OP is experiencing PTSD symptoms from her husband's betrayal, and if she considers it traumatic, it is. Her journey does not impact yours in any way. If it triggers you, you have the option of leaving this forum and exploring those feelings in another setting.

Anonymous wrote:Op here. How can my husband help me in this? He doesn’t want to discuss anything and just wants to move on. He shuts me out and ignores my pleas for a discussion.

Anonymous wrote:Please don’t call it PTSD. That terms is incredibly overused and it minimizes the seriousness of the disorder.

Anonymous wrote:Op here. When I tell him that I’m sad about what happened he says I am “playing games to make him feel bad” and that it’s cruel to keep asking him to go to a place that makes him feel shame.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DP. When I sought therapy after discovering my husband had a double life for 4.5 years, my therapist told me I was suffering all of the classic signs of PTSD and my treatment would be similar. He did say it was a “trauma” and it is treated through “trauma counseling”.

So, OP, I would find a good trauma therapist. You should also be in couples therapy.

Your husband’s behavior is concerning though. Mine never blamed me or refused to let me talk and ask questions as much as I wanted—and he answered them. He is still in his own individual therapy.

Good luck. It sounds like either he has a lot of shame and it hurts too much to go there or he doesn’t really have remorse. It should be his job to do anything to help you heal. If he’s not willing to do that, you will need to make some decisions.

He says he had a dark time and had a mental break. He is trying to move forward and feel like everything is ok and when I keep bringing up the affair it takes him back to a bad place. Idk.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DP. When I sought therapy after discovering my husband had a double life for 4.5 years, my therapist told me I was suffering all of the classic signs of PTSD and my treatment would be similar. He did say it was a “trauma” and it is treated through “trauma counseling”.

So, OP, I would find a good trauma therapist. You should also be in couples therapy.

Your husband’s behavior is concerning though. Mine never blamed me or refused to let me talk and ask questions as much as I wanted—and he answered them. He is still in his own individual therapy.

Good luck. It sounds like either he has a lot of shame and it hurts too much to go there or he doesn’t really have remorse. It should be his job to do anything to help you heal. If he’s not willing to do that, you will need to make some decisions.

He says he had a dark time and had a mental break. He is trying to move forward and feel like everything is ok and when I keep bringing up the affair it takes him back to a bad place. Idk.

Anonymous wrote:DP. When I sought therapy after discovering my husband had a double life for 4.5 years, my therapist told me I was suffering all of the classic signs of PTSD and my treatment would be similar. He did say it was a “trauma” and it is treated through “trauma counseling”.

So, OP, I would find a good trauma therapist. You should also be in couples therapy.

Your husband’s behavior is concerning though. Mine never blamed me or refused to let me talk and ask questions as much as I wanted—and he answered them. He is still in his own individual therapy.

Good luck. It sounds like either he has a lot of shame and it hurts too much to go there or he doesn’t really have remorse. It should be his job to do anything to help you heal. If he’s not willing to do that, you will need to make some decisions.