Anonymous
Post 12/07/2020 16:52     Subject: 10 year old told me he thinks spouse is cheating on me -- advice?
OP here. I just spoke with DS again. He was looking at DH's phone without permission. He saw pictures/porn. He has begged me not to tell his father because he's not allowed to play with our phones without permission. I've told him over and over that he's not in trouble, no matter what.

But, he is afraid that his dad will be angry with him, he's afraid that the family will "blow apart" and it would be his fault, it's all just awful. He feels terrible. He said it was an app called kitkat (but he said it was not spelled with a ka? I'm not even sure what that means). He wants me to check DH's phone and see what's going on (should I tell him that's the same advice I got from DCUM? kidding....)

Added to that, I don't know exactly what my DH did. Was he looking at porn? I'm not going to divorce over that but I will still be extraordinarily pissed off that he allowed DS to see. Or is it more than that?

I don't know how to have DH reassure him somehow when he's begging me not to tell DH that he saw anything in the first place. Ugh.
Anonymous
Post 12/07/2020 16:36     Subject: 10 year old told me he thinks spouse is cheating on me -- advice?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You should look at his phone.


+1. I am sure your child agonized over telling you and may not have told you everything he saw.


If your kid was brave enough to come to you with this info, you need to be brave enough to do you own investigation — look at his phone, look at credit card bills, computer history, etc.


Or I dunno, be adult enough to talk to him?


No. Get basic info/evidence first. If you don’t use it, fine, but don’t compromise the outcome from the gate by reducing your leverage (legally speaking).


Good god. This is not how I’d handle it, but I guess I trust my husband and would just talk to him.

OP, if your marriage is solid and your husband hasn’t been leaving the house during the pandemic, talk to him. If you think he’s cheating on you, then deal with that by... talking to him. If you don’t trust him, then why are you with him?


you are super naive if you think every cheating spouse is prepared to admit it when their spouse asks.


I’m actually not naive. My first marriage ended because of infidelity. Had we communicated better, I believe he may not have cheated in the first place and it certainly would have been dealt with much faster.

You, on the other hand, sound paranoid that your husband is cheating on you. Unless you have a prenup that says no cheating, how is proving infidelity going to help you legally? The OP should have a conversation with her spouse about what her son saw. She’ll know if he’s lying.


Man, did he convince of the above or a terrible therapist in couples counseling?


Yes I was thinking the same thing. It sounds like she's been brainwashed by bad advice. Cheating never happens because there was a lack of communication, nor is it the victims fault in anyway shape or form. Its another form of abuse from a dysfunctional person which probably goes back to childhood. It's a huge flaw but many miss it when picking a spouse. Victimizers usually pick a "type". Look at Bernie Madoff for example. He cheated on his wife for years, and he cheated his other victims out of their money. He profiled all of them. Very common.
Anonymous
Post 12/07/2020 16:20     Subject: 10 year old told me he thinks spouse is cheating on me -- advice?
Is this husband also his father or step dad?
Anonymous
Post 12/07/2020 15:07     Subject: 10 year old told me he thinks spouse is cheating on me -- advice?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would confront my spouse and say that our kid is very upset about all of this. You both need to get an answer to your kid about what the messages really were so he's not left thinking his dad is a cheater. And then, regardless of whether he was cheating, work on your marriage. Your son clearly thinks something could be up. Smile more, laugh more, be affectionate in front of him.


What—you are telling the WIFE to be more kittenish and appealing to this likely a-hole who blew up a family??

You sound extremely misogynistic.


New poster.

The bold above is classic DCUM projecting. NO idea yet if the DH is an "a-hole who blew up a family." None. Sure, he might be. Or the son might have gotten the wrong idea entirely.

We sure don't know, and OP doesn't know yet, so stow the "DH is obviously guilty, get a lawyer NOW" alarmist crap.

OP: What is getting lost here is the fact you say in the very first post that your DH tends to use terms like those and it doesn't alarm you in other contexts. You know your DH best; we don't. So I'd go to him -- don't let this wait or fester -- and be the adult and ask. "DS said he saw this on your phone and he came to me about it. He's concerned and he is interpreting it as something being wrong. Let's lay this to rest so DS is not chewing on this. What did he see? And let's go together to DS to explain it."

I don't have time or energy for farting around with snooping etc. Especially if there are zero other indications of any issues or any sneaking going on. Cut to the chase. Your DS is going to worry over this; frame this as a "We need to talk to EACH OTHER so we can both talk to DS" issue.

If DH hems and haws and is evasive, you'll have to have the guts to press him. If DH is embarrassed and sheepish because he calls some relative "baby girl" and realizes now that it looks silly -- that's another thing entirely.

The "snoop hard and secretly call a lawyer" posters are right in some cases on these forums, but in this case? Especially if you don't have DH's password etc. to get into the phone surreptitiously? Just sit DH down and tell him exactly what happened and say you want to see the phone so you and he can tell DS you saw the phone.


But if he's a cheater, he's already lying. He'll just lie to her face, straight faced. You're making the assumption that he will have some kind of reaction or explanation that will allow OP to decide on next steps. What if he doesn't? "Don't know what kid is talking about it - he's mistaken. You should just trust me, I don't need to show you my phone." Does she just dismiss the kid? I wouldn't.
Anonymous
Post 12/07/2020 15:03     Subject: 10 year old told me he thinks spouse is cheating on me -- advice?
10 bucks says OP’s husband was messaging hot, young, semi-nude “content creators” on Instagram. You son probably likes to go on IG and saw the messages, or even his comments on these ladies’ public profiles.

It’s not innocent, but it also isn’t a real relationship with legit cheating. It’s similar to chatting with the stripper while she’s on the stage. It’s escapism. It’s problematic that he did this on a phone that he allows his son to access.

Not sure how to handle it other than telling your husband that he needs to improve his op-sec.
Anonymous
Post 12/07/2020 14:53     Subject: 10 year old told me he thinks spouse is cheating on me -- advice?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would confront my spouse and say that our kid is very upset about all of this. You both need to get an answer to your kid about what the messages really were so he's not left thinking his dad is a cheater. And then, regardless of whether he was cheating, work on your marriage. Your son clearly thinks something could be up. Smile more, laugh more, be affectionate in front of him.


What—you are telling the WIFE to be more kittenish and appealing to this likely a-hole who blew up a family??

You sound extremely misogynistic.


New poster.

The bold above is classic DCUM projecting. NO idea yet if the DH is an "a-hole who blew up a family." None. Sure, he might be. Or the son might have gotten the wrong idea entirely.

We sure don't know, and OP doesn't know yet, so stow the "DH is obviously guilty, get a lawyer NOW" alarmist crap.

OP: What is getting lost here is the fact you say in the very first post that your DH tends to use terms like those and it doesn't alarm you in other contexts. You know your DH best; we don't. So I'd go to him -- don't let this wait or fester -- and be the adult and ask. "DS said he saw this on your phone and he came to me about it. He's concerned and he is interpreting it as something being wrong. Let's lay this to rest so DS is not chewing on this. What did he see? And let's go together to DS to explain it."

I don't have time or energy for farting around with snooping etc. Especially if there are zero other indications of any issues or any sneaking going on. Cut to the chase. Your DS is going to worry over this; frame this as a "We need to talk to EACH OTHER so we can both talk to DS" issue.

If DH hems and haws and is evasive, you'll have to have the guts to press him. If DH is embarrassed and sheepish because he calls some relative "baby girl" and realizes now that it looks silly -- that's another thing entirely.

The "snoop hard and secretly call a lawyer" posters are right in some cases on these forums, but in this case? Especially if you don't have DH's password etc. to get into the phone surreptitiously? Just sit DH down and tell him exactly what happened and say you want to see the phone so you and he can tell DS you saw the phone.


PP from just above. S#*t, misread your OP regarding terms of endearment and got it reversed. So he doesn't use terms like that. But it does not change what I'd do in this case. Cut to the chase and tell DH what happened and say you and he need to look at his phone then and there, and that DS 's peace of mind is at stake.
Anonymous
Post 12/07/2020 14:51     Subject: 10 year old told me he thinks spouse is cheating on me -- advice?
Anonymous wrote:Tell your son this is a grownup issue and he shouldn't worry about it, but thank you for being a sweet boy and looking out.

Then go look at your husband's phone. Then call a lawyer.


This is horrible advice. I'm the person who had this happen as a kid. Your parent telling you not to worry will not stop you from worrying.
Anonymous
Post 12/07/2020 14:49     Subject: 10 year old told me he thinks spouse is cheating on me -- advice?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would confront my spouse and say that our kid is very upset about all of this. You both need to get an answer to your kid about what the messages really were so he's not left thinking his dad is a cheater. And then, regardless of whether he was cheating, work on your marriage. Your son clearly thinks something could be up. Smile more, laugh more, be affectionate in front of him.


What—you are telling the WIFE to be more kittenish and appealing to this likely a-hole who blew up a family??

You sound extremely misogynistic.


New poster.

The bold above is classic DCUM projecting. NO idea yet if the DH is an "a-hole who blew up a family." None. Sure, he might be. Or the son might have gotten the wrong idea entirely.

We sure don't know, and OP doesn't know yet, so stow the "DH is obviously guilty, get a lawyer NOW" alarmist crap.

OP: What is getting lost here is the fact you say in the very first post that your DH tends to use terms like those and it doesn't alarm you in other contexts. You know your DH best; we don't. So I'd go to him -- don't let this wait or fester -- and be the adult and ask. "DS said he saw this on your phone and he came to me about it. He's concerned and he is interpreting it as something being wrong. Let's lay this to rest so DS is not chewing on this. What did he see? And let's go together to DS to explain it."

I don't have time or energy for farting around with snooping etc. Especially if there are zero other indications of any issues or any sneaking going on. Cut to the chase. Your DS is going to worry over this; frame this as a "We need to talk to EACH OTHER so we can both talk to DS" issue.

If DH hems and haws and is evasive, you'll have to have the guts to press him. If DH is embarrassed and sheepish because he calls some relative "baby girl" and realizes now that it looks silly -- that's another thing entirely.

The "snoop hard and secretly call a lawyer" posters are right in some cases on these forums, but in this case? Especially if you don't have DH's password etc. to get into the phone surreptitiously? Just sit DH down and tell him exactly what happened and say you want to see the phone so you and he can tell DS you saw the phone.
Anonymous
Post 12/07/2020 13:56     Subject: 10 year old told me he thinks spouse is cheating on me -- advice?
Anonymous wrote:How is your marital sex life OP? All good: > 95% chance he is NOT cheating. Pretty bad: 100% chance he is on the prowl


It's all good: 50% he is cheating Pretty bad: 50% chance is cheating
Anonymous
Post 12/07/2020 13:54     Subject: 10 year old told me he thinks spouse is cheating on me -- advice?
Do not brush it away or make him feel bad about telling you grown up stuff. That's a disaster for future communication.


If you do confirm an affair and decide to split you need to reassure him that, it's not his fault that the responsibility lies with dad, preferably dad would do that. And absolutely get him therapy.
Anonymous
Post 12/07/2020 13:53     Subject: 10 year old told me he thinks spouse is cheating on me -- advice?
Anonymous wrote:I would confront my spouse and say that our kid is very upset about all of this. You both need to get an answer to your kid about what the messages really were so he's not left thinking his dad is a cheater. And then, regardless of whether he was cheating, work on your marriage. Your son clearly thinks something could be up. Smile more, laugh more, be affectionate in front of him.


What—you are telling the WIFE to be more kittenish and appealing to this likely a-hole who blew up a family??

You sound extremely misogynistic.
Anonymous
Post 12/07/2020 13:51     Subject: 10 year old told me he thinks spouse is cheating on me -- advice?
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I did also say thank you to DS. But it was quick, since he was in class. I do think I need to talk to him further after school and make sure he knows I appreciate him coming to me and he doesn't need to worry.

But with DH, ugh, I'm not the snooping type and don't want to go down that road. Would much rather just discuss it but of course most people would just lie in response. I don't think I have his current passwords anyway. I've had them in the past when I needed them but I don't know if it's still current or if I remember them accurately.


You seem like one of those women who prefer to be oblivious. Don't take it out on your child for telling you something that you didn't want to know. You need therapy to work through whatever is going on with you and why you don't want to find out the truth. Are you comfortable and fine with your husband cheating because you don't want to blow up your life? I'm guessing you son read messages that were more intimate and mature than he's letting on. And there could have been photos.
Anonymous
Post 12/07/2020 13:50     Subject: 10 year old told me he thinks spouse is cheating on me -- advice?
Anonymous wrote:This can be deeply upsetting for kids. I definitely think he needs to be assured he did the right thing.

It also probably took a lot of courage for him to come to you. And if you just drop it entirely, that will also be deeply upsetting to him. So I think you have to dig deep on this while at thee same time easing your kid's anxieties.


Agreed. If you want him to ever tell you an upsetting concern in the future, do not brush it away (but I am sure you did the best you could in the moment—who is prepared for that conversation!)

I would confront your husband, as calmly as you can. Ask him to show you the texts that upset your child. He either will, and they will prove innocent...or they won’t. OR he will get defensive and not show the phone. That would make me very suspicious. It is important that he NOT express anger towards your poor child, or ask him to keep secrets from you.

I hope it works out.
Anonymous
Post 12/07/2020 13:45     Subject: 10 year old told me he thinks spouse is cheating on me -- advice?
Tell your son this is a grownup issue and he shouldn't worry about it, but thank you for being a sweet boy and looking out.

Then go look at your husband's phone. Then call a lawyer.
Anonymous
Post 12/07/2020 13:45     Subject: 10 year old told me he thinks spouse is cheating on me -- advice?
Anonymous wrote:It kind of burst the bubble some people have that kids don't know what's going on when you're having an affair.


Sure you can lie and say everything's fine and mommy and daddy will deal with it together, and guess what your kid will know the truth, ta one of you is a cheater, and both of you are liars.


Kids always ask to borrow parents cell phone and they are also inherently snoopers