Both. Good nature is genetic, but being polite and well behaved takes some nurture. However, some kids get the short end of the genetic stick with anxiety or adhd or whatever and might be poorly behaved despite wonderful parents, bc some kids are a lot harder to raise than others. We all know families with multiple children where one is very different from the other. Some parents don’t do sh*t and still have good kids bc of their kids innate nature.

Also, a lot of kids are turds to their parents but perfectly behaved at other people’s houses. Like mine. So they do know better bc of my parenting, but they are obstinate and strong willed And fight at home, which really isn’t a bad thing. Being submissive isn’t really a desired trait outside of childhood.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this nature or nurture?

As a parent to 5 children, I can tell you it's 90% nature 10% nurture.

Having nearly a half kids really knocks you off your high horse.

Oh, save it. I grew up in a religious community and have known tons and tons of people with 5-7 kids.

Parents of many children always say that it’s all nature, when the reality is that their homes are too chaotic for any real parenting to happen. You know you spend limited amounts of time with each of your kids, and you’re always playing triage. So yeah, I’m sure from your perspective it’s all nature! You don’t have the time or energy to pick up on behavioral/academic/whatever problems until they are major issue.

It’s 90% nature in your house because there’s little nurture.

+1. They just ignore and don’t parent and say it takes a village and dump the kids on others.

Omg so true

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good-natured, well-behaved, polite kids...

...are kids who are paid attention to by their parents. So they are secure in knowing that they are important and loved.

+ 1

Parents also set limits and let them know when they are disappointed by their behavior to others. That's the key imho. Kids who feel well loved and securely attached will be internally ashamed if you let them know you have been disappointed in their behavior.

I think you are way off the mark. I have never had to set many limits. My kids just behave. They just do. I have friends who are very good parents. Loving, attentive, set limits, etc, and their kids are wild. They struggle with behaviors. Parenting can influence children a little, but so much of our children come out the way they come out.

I’m “way off the mark” for setting limits? So when my son who is a little impulsive says something mean to his little sister that hurts her feelings I should just ignore it instead of letting him know that that was an unkind, hurtful thing to say and how would he like it if someone he looked up to said that mean thing to him? Yeah ok, gtfo.

I abhor parents who just let their kids do and say whatever with no boundaries, limits, or discussions about how their actions have consequences and behavior affects other people.

What? No. You are off the mark they the key is setting boundaries. My kids are super well behaved. Very few boundaries have been set. They just behave. Because that is their nature.

+1. I set very few limits. I may say “you can play Minecraft for 30 minutes” he sets the timer and stops when it’s done. If I don’t give him a limit he’ll stop on his own, after maybe 45 minutes. I’m a special education teacher who has tons of experience with boundaries, I just rarely need them at home

You got really lucky. We set strong boundaries and have a really good child but if we said 30 minutes, sometimes they get off, sometimes not and usually because we have parental controls.

Yep. I told him the rules once and that was it. The only thing I did was delay tablet use outside of airplanes until he was 8, so that may have contributed.

Delaying tablets when there is tv, phones and computers means nothing. You got an easy kid plus parenting.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this nature or nurture?

As a parent to 5 children, I can tell you it's 90% nature 10% nurture.

Having nearly a half kids really knocks you off your high horse.

Oh, save it. I grew up in a religious community and have known tons and tons of people with 5-7 kids.

Parents of many children always say that it’s all nature, when the reality is that their homes are too chaotic for any real parenting to happen. You know you spend limited amounts of time with each of your kids, and you’re always playing triage. So yeah, I’m sure from your perspective it’s all nature! You don’t have the time or energy to pick up on behavioral/academic/whatever problems until they are major issue.

It’s 90% nature in your house because there’s little nurture.

+1. They just ignore and don’t parent and say it takes a village and dump the kids on others.

Anonymous wrote:The problem is when limits are set and one caretaker or parent doesn’t enforce the limits. Then nothing matters.

+1

This is even worse than not having any boundaries. Children in this setting learn that it is okay to disregard boundaries. they constantly practice/master breaking boundaries.

Atleast children in no-boundaries home have not yet learned that they can usually get away with breaking boundaries.

The problem is when limits are set and one caretaker or parent doesn’t enforce the limits. Then nothing matters.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this nature or nurture?

As a parent to 5 children, I can tell you it's 90% nature 10% nurture.

Having nearly a half kids really knocks you off your high horse.

Oh, save it. I grew up in a religious community and have known tons and tons of people with 5-7 kids.

Parents of many children always say that it’s all nature, when the reality is that their homes are too chaotic for any real parenting to happen. You know you spend limited amounts of time with each of your kids, and you’re always playing triage. So yeah, I’m sure from your perspective it’s all nature! You don’t have the time or energy to pick up on behavioral/academic/whatever problems until they are major issue.

It’s 90% nature in your house because there’s little nurture.

Anonymous wrote:I was a really well-behaved, polite child who came from a massively dysfunctional and neglectful home. It was my way of getting approval from people when my mom wouldn’t.

Human behavior is complex.

Me too. My parents spent very little time with my sibling and me, never enforced manners/boundaries. Sibling rebelled and I overcompensated. I am a people pleaser, and sibling was incarcerated for a period of time, has drug/alcohol issues.

Nature and/or nurture and luck.

I have one that was born that way. The other was born the other way. lol Their personalities mirror my DH and I(I was born the other way-as stubborn as one can imagine) with a touch of our siblings. It's pretty amazing to observe.

We got lucky, and our natural rule follower is older, so she kind of models good behavior to her younger one.

It's becoming harder for kids to be well behaved in the digital age. A lot of good behavior is genetic, when the environment and upbringing is good.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good-natured, well-behaved, polite kids...

...are kids who are paid attention to by their parents. So they are secure in knowing that they are important and loved.

+ 1

Parents also set limits and let them know when they are disappointed by their behavior to others. That's the key imho. Kids who feel well loved and securely attached will be internally ashamed if you let them know you have been disappointed in their behavior.

I think you are way off the mark. I have never had to set many limits. My kids just behave. They just do. I have friends who are very good parents. Loving, attentive, set limits, etc, and their kids are wild. They struggle with behaviors. Parenting can influence children a little, but so much of our children come out the way they come out.

I’m “way off the mark” for setting limits? So when my son who is a little impulsive says something mean to his little sister that hurts her feelings I should just ignore it instead of letting him know that that was an unkind, hurtful thing to say and how would he like it if someone he looked up to said that mean thing to him? Yeah ok, gtfo.

I abhor parents who just let their kids do and say whatever with no boundaries, limits, or discussions about how their actions have consequences and behavior affects other people.

What? No. You are off the mark they the key is setting boundaries. My kids are super well behaved. Very few boundaries have been set. They just behave. Because that is their nature.

+1. I set very few limits. I may say “you can play Minecraft for 30 minutes” he sets the timer and stops when it’s done. If I don’t give him a limit he’ll stop on his own, after maybe 45 minutes. I’m a special education teacher who has tons of experience with boundaries, I just rarely need them at home

You got really lucky. We set strong boundaries and have a really good child but if we said 30 minutes, sometimes they get off, sometimes not and usually because we have parental controls.

Yep. I told him the rules once and that was it. The only thing I did was delay tablet use outside of airplanes until he was 8, so that may have contributed.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good-natured, well-behaved, polite kids...

...are kids who are paid attention to by their parents. So they are secure in knowing that they are important and loved.

+ 1

Parents also set limits and let them know when they are disappointed by their behavior to others. That's the key imho. Kids who feel well loved and securely attached will be internally ashamed if you let them know you have been disappointed in their behavior.

I think you are way off the mark. I have never had to set many limits. My kids just behave. They just do. I have friends who are very good parents. Loving, attentive, set limits, etc, and their kids are wild. They struggle with behaviors. Parenting can influence children a little, but so much of our children come out the way they come out.

I’m “way off the mark” for setting limits? So when my son who is a little impulsive says something mean to his little sister that hurts her feelings I should just ignore it instead of letting him know that that was an unkind, hurtful thing to say and how would he like it if someone he looked up to said that mean thing to him? Yeah ok, gtfo.

I abhor parents who just let their kids do and say whatever with no boundaries, limits, or discussions about how their actions have consequences and behavior affects other people.

What? No. You are off the mark they the key is setting boundaries. My kids are super well behaved. Very few boundaries have been set. They just behave. Because that is their nature.

+1. I set very few limits. I may say “you can play Minecraft for 30 minutes” he sets the timer and stops when it’s done. If I don’t give him a limit he’ll stop on his own, after maybe 45 minutes. I’m a special education teacher who has tons of experience with boundaries, I just rarely need them at home

You got really lucky. We set strong boundaries and have a really good child but if we said 30 minutes, sometimes they get off, sometimes not and usually because we have parental controls.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good-natured, well-behaved, polite kids...

...are kids who are paid attention to by their parents. So they are secure in knowing that they are important and loved.

+ 1

Parents also set limits and let them know when they are disappointed by their behavior to others. That's the key imho. Kids who feel well loved and securely attached will be internally ashamed if you let them know you have been disappointed in their behavior.

I think you are way off the mark. I have never had to set many limits. My kids just behave. They just do. I have friends who are very good parents. Loving, attentive, set limits, etc, and their kids are wild. They struggle with behaviors. Parenting can influence children a little, but so much of our children come out the way they come out.

I’m “way off the mark” for setting limits? So when my son who is a little impulsive says something mean to his little sister that hurts her feelings I should just ignore it instead of letting him know that that was an unkind, hurtful thing to say and how would he like it if someone he looked up to said that mean thing to him? Yeah ok, gtfo.

I abhor parents who just let their kids do and say whatever with no boundaries, limits, or discussions about how their actions have consequences and behavior affects other people.

What? No. You are off the mark they the key is setting boundaries. My kids are super well behaved. Very few boundaries have been set. They just behave. Because that is their nature.

+1. I set very few limits. I may say “you can play Minecraft for 30 minutes” he sets the timer and stops when it’s done. If I don’t give him a limit he’ll stop on his own, after maybe 45 minutes. I’m a special education teacher who has tons of experience with boundaries, I just rarely need them at home

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nature in our house. We are not very good parents (yell when frustrated, pushovers, too indulgent, etc.) and our kids are awesome. I really do not think it is anything we did.

+1. I consider us maybe C+ parents. We're overly permissive and lazy, though very warm and loving (maybe excessively so). And our kid is kind, considerate, easy-going, good-natured, and respects authority. Absolutely not down to us.

I think it's a bell curve, honestly. On the left tail are kids who by nature have strong negative traits that no amount of good parenting can overcome. On the right tail are the kids who are so naturally good that even crappy parenting doesn't harm them. All the other kids are in the middle with some combination of innate goodness and susceptibility to parenting quality.

I’m also in that category I think My kid is a born rule follower and pretty flexible. I’m curious to see what his teen years are like.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good-natured, well-behaved, polite kids...

...are kids who are paid attention to by their parents. So they are secure in knowing that they are important and loved.

+ 1

Parents also set limits and let them know when they are disappointed by their behavior to others. That's the key imho. Kids who feel well loved and securely attached will be internally ashamed if you let them know you have been disappointed in their behavior.

I think you are way off the mark. I have never had to set many limits. My kids just behave. They just do. I have friends who are very good parents. Loving, attentive, set limits, etc, and their kids are wild. They struggle with behaviors. Parenting can influence children a little, but so much of our children come out the way they come out.

I’m “way off the mark” for setting limits? So when my son who is a little impulsive says something mean to his little sister that hurts her feelings I should just ignore it instead of letting him know that that was an unkind, hurtful thing to say and how would he like it if someone he looked up to said that mean thing to him? Yeah ok, gtfo.

I abhor parents who just let their kids do and say whatever with no boundaries, limits, or discussions about how their actions have consequences and behavior affects other people.

What? No. You are off the mark they the key is setting boundaries. My kids are super well behaved. Very few boundaries have been set. They just behave. Because that is their nature.