Anonymous
10/30/2020 11:06
Subject: Re:My friends are telling me (f) not to propose to my boyfriend
I think it is a huge red flag that he wants a house and kids without marrying you. It would be a very poor choice to do either if he is unwilling to make a public, legal commitment to you.
Anonymous
10/30/2020 10:53
Subject: My friends are telling me (f) not to propose to my boyfriend
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Hmm. I'm not so sure he wants to marry if he got angry at you joking about it in front of other people. It's easier to promise things in private.
If he is a POC this is very common. Black men are very sensitive around provision, and slower on the commitment train, for various reasons.
I am a black woman. I say that only you can decide what matters most to you. I made the decision in my 20s not to let anyone run out my clock for any reason. Two years is long enough to decide.
Anonymous
10/30/2020 10:48
Subject: Re:My friends are telling me (f) not to propose to my boyfriend
Anonymous wrote:I was sort of in your situation.
We dated 6 years and bought a house together before getting married.
The only difference was that I was the one that wanted to wait.
People said all the ignorant stuff you are hearing on this thread... he doesn't really want to marry you, why are you hanging on if he isn't making any moves, blah blah blah.
Anyway, what I don't understand is that we always talked about marriage... what, when, how... we just knew that there were some things in our life that we wanted to work out before we actually got married.
You are looking for a house, that is a commitment, he is committed.
Just say, "hey i've been thinking about with COVID, your job, etc when do you think is a good time to get married"
IN a year, 2 years, big wedding, small, spring/summer/fall.
I was never in a situation where I thought "I wonder if he will marry me" ... we were committed, we were working towards marriage, house, kids... there was not some watershed moment with a ring that pulled it all together.
It seems very unhealthy to me (not you everybody else on this thread) that you need a ring to know a man is committed to you.
Easy for you to make all kind of comments when you were the one delaying things. Of course you never thought he wasn’t committed to you because he was ready to commit. OP’s situation is the opposite and she wants marriage before kids. Your story only confirms what we’ve been all saying.
Anonymous
10/30/2020 10:42
Subject: Re:My friends are telling me (f) not to propose to my boyfriend
I was sort of in your situation.
We dated 6 years and bought a house together before getting married.
The only difference was that I was the one that wanted to wait.
People said all the ignorant stuff you are hearing on this thread... he doesn't really want to marry you, why are you hanging on if he isn't making any moves, blah blah blah.
Anyway, what I don't understand is that we always talked about marriage... what, when, how... we just knew that there were some things in our life that we wanted to work out before we actually got married.
You are looking for a house, that is a commitment, he is committed.
Just say, "hey i've been thinking about with COVID, your job, etc when do you think is a good time to get married"
IN a year, 2 years, big wedding, small, spring/summer/fall.
I was never in a situation where I thought "I wonder if he will marry me" ... we were committed, we were working towards marriage, house, kids... there was not some watershed moment with a ring that pulled it all together.
It seems very unhealthy to me (not you everybody else on this thread) that you need a ring to know a man is committed to you.
We dated 6 years and bought a house together before getting married.
The only difference was that I was the one that wanted to wait.
People said all the ignorant stuff you are hearing on this thread... he doesn't really want to marry you, why are you hanging on if he isn't making any moves, blah blah blah.
Anyway, what I don't understand is that we always talked about marriage... what, when, how... we just knew that there were some things in our life that we wanted to work out before we actually got married.
You are looking for a house, that is a commitment, he is committed.
Just say, "hey i've been thinking about with COVID, your job, etc when do you think is a good time to get married"
IN a year, 2 years, big wedding, small, spring/summer/fall.
I was never in a situation where I thought "I wonder if he will marry me" ... we were committed, we were working towards marriage, house, kids... there was not some watershed moment with a ring that pulled it all together.
It seems very unhealthy to me (not you everybody else on this thread) that you need a ring to know a man is committed to you.
Anonymous
10/30/2020 10:36
Subject: My friends are telling me (f) not to propose to my boyfriend
I am early 30s and my fiancé is mid 30s. I am a widow and he is divorced. We discussed marriage 2 months into the relationship and were engaged on our 1 year anniversary. At our age, you either do or do not. You don’t drag it out for 4 years.
Anonymous
10/30/2020 10:13
Subject: My friends are telling me (f) not to propose to my boyfriend
Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the advice everyone. To answer a few questions we don't live together but we are looking for a house. We ( mostly me/ haven't found anything. He says that he wants children and asked if we could start trying earlier this year. I put it off. I really want children but I want to be married first. I'm not religious but it's important to me.
I'm going to sit down with him this week to talk.
I'm glad you got to that point, because ultimately although all the perspectives offered have something POSSIBLY right, you're in the best position to sift through all that.
Made me think of my DS, who has a business and has been very focused on that for the last 6 years, got annoyed when his partner settled down and (even worse from DS' point of view) had a kid (and a very demanding spouse) because he knew it would affect the business. After a long time he now has a gf but I suspect it will be quite awhile before he's to the point of wanting to add a full commitment in that regard.
Anonymous
10/30/2020 09:46
Subject: My friends are telling me (f) not to propose to my boyfriend
He’s stringing you along and blinding you by promising big things (kids,house) and skipping over committing to marriage.
Anonymous
10/30/2020 09:42
Subject: Re:My friends are telling me (f) not to propose to my boyfriend
Anonymous wrote:Yikes. So many red flags. Give his a six month deadline to propose and if he doesn't leave the relationship.
I would not give an ultimatum but make a mental note to move in after 6 months. Moving on will be a process due to the length of the relationship. It might take you a year but you need to start preparing your mind now.
Anonymous
10/30/2020 09:28
Subject: My friends are telling me (f) not to propose to my boyfriend
No. Men like to chase
Anonymous
10/30/2020 09:15
Subject: My friends are telling me (f) not to propose to my boyfriend
Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the advice everyone. To answer a few questions we don't live together but we are looking for a house. We ( mostly me/ haven't found anything. He says that he wants children and asked if we could start trying earlier this year. I put it off. I really want children but I want to be married first. I'm not religious but it's important to me.
I'm going to sit down with him this week to talk.
So he has time for kids but not a ring?
This is so backwards! Do not buy a house with this guy.
His way of doing things would be a turn off for me.
Anonymous
10/30/2020 09:12
Subject: My friends are telling me (f) not to propose to my boyfriend
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Do not propose. I was in a similar relationship but early 30s. I ended up breaking things off because I felt I had no time. I loved him and think he loved me but I knew I wanted kids. I sorta get that he wanted to be good provider but I just didnt feel right. I broke up with him and moved on. I met my husband about 5 months later and am very happy.
I couldn't deal with promises and being led on. My ex would also introduce me to people as his fiance although we weren't engaged. He started the discussion about kids and being married but never followed through. He was surprised when I broke up with him. I just said I wanted a marriage and kids. He said he planned to do that with me. He is still single. I take him still being single as meaning I made the right decision
Or he let "the one" get away?
He had five months to make a move.
Anonymous
10/30/2020 09:11
Subject: My friends are telling me (f) not to propose to my boyfriend
Thanks for the advice everyone. To answer a few questions we don't live together but we are looking for a house. We ( mostly me/ haven't found anything. He says that he wants children and asked if we could start trying earlier this year. I put it off. I really want children but I want to be married first. I'm not religious but it's important to me.
I'm going to sit down with him this week to talk.
I'm going to sit down with him this week to talk.
Anonymous
10/30/2020 09:11
Subject: My friends are telling me (f) not to propose to my boyfriend
I also vote no, but I can imagine a scenario where it would be the right move; but nothing you have said suggests it would be the best move for you.
I could image a couple discussing marriage a lot, talking about how they wanted to be committed to each other and do things differently, and talking about how they want to pick the ring together, etc. and then deciding that they wanted to propose to each other together. That would be romantic.
But deep down in our cultural cores, most men still want to experience the thrill of jumping out of that airplane and surprising her, hoping she pulls the cord to save him, and most women still want the movie script surprise.
I could image a couple discussing marriage a lot, talking about how they wanted to be committed to each other and do things differently, and talking about how they want to pick the ring together, etc. and then deciding that they wanted to propose to each other together. That would be romantic.
But deep down in our cultural cores, most men still want to experience the thrill of jumping out of that airplane and surprising her, hoping she pulls the cord to save him, and most women still want the movie script surprise.
Anonymous
10/30/2020 09:01
Subject: My friends are telling me (f) not to propose to my boyfriend
I agree with everyone else. Do not propose. Instead, sit down with him and tell him you would like to be married, and ask how he feels about that, and when he thinks he might be ready. If he still pushes it down the road, then you need to tell him that you will need to move on.
You’ve been together four years. He likes the way things are. I will add that the fact that he became angry when you made “a comment about marriage” in front of your friends gives me a nagging red flag feeling - but of course, I don’t know exactly what the comment was, just that it related to marriage.
Proposing would be missing his cues, and misreading the situation. But a conversation about your future, and what you want for your future, is long overdue. Mid-thirties, four years together...don’t let another moment go by, OP. But don’t propose.
You’ve been together four years. He likes the way things are. I will add that the fact that he became angry when you made “a comment about marriage” in front of your friends gives me a nagging red flag feeling - but of course, I don’t know exactly what the comment was, just that it related to marriage.
Proposing would be missing his cues, and misreading the situation. But a conversation about your future, and what you want for your future, is long overdue. Mid-thirties, four years together...don’t let another moment go by, OP. But don’t propose.
Anonymous
10/30/2020 08:23
Subject: My friends are telling me (f) not to propose to my boyfriend
However, I think it's fine to talk about your desire for marriage. Sounds like he is not moving things too fast