Anonymous
11/16/2020 06:09
Subject: Any happy sexless marriages?
No, but just know you are not alone. This is my story too, word for word. Hang in man, hopefully it will pass.Anonymous wrote:New poster, man here. Almost sexless marriage early 40s. Would not break up our marriage over sex, but I miss the flirting and romance. I try to be a good husband, make good money, still in okay shape, listen to her but she seems content to just be roommates with kids. My self worth has definitely taken a dive, but I know deep down it’s probably some hormonal shift with her body. Any advice?
Anonymous
11/15/2020 18:46
Subject: Any happy sexless marriages?
New poster, man here. Almost sexless marriage early 40s. Would not break up our marriage over sex, but I miss the flirting and romance. I try to be a good husband, make good money, still in okay shape, listen to her but she seems content to just be roommates with kids. My self worth has definitely taken a dive, but I know deep down it’s probably some hormonal shift with her body. Any advice?
Anonymous
10/31/2020 10:15
Subject: Re:Any happy sexless marriages?
It comes and goes. Right now, having breakfast with the family on Saturday morning makes sex seem like one part of a good marriage that you can go without for a stretch. Then it will seem existential, and cheating seems so obvious. It waxes and wanes, but it's never "happy"
Anonymous
10/30/2020 07:25
Subject: Any happy sexless marriages?
I doubt it, op.
I think people think they can be happy and may be happy for a time, but then they realize that they want to be with a person who is interested in them as a romantic/sexual person and they can’t just “go and find a girl” like that song from the 1960’s says. This applies to women too, there is another song that says “grab a guy”.
You can’t do that when you are married at least not unless you want to be called a horn dog, a dirty old man, a wh**re. If you are single, you are “going out with a nice ladyy” “spending time with a gentleman” same behaviors, same goal, very different language.
I think it isn’t so much about the type of sex. If you are feeling down and a friend or coworker says “well, it’s Friday, go home and spend time with your spouse” and you think “My spouse is more interested in reading a book then spending time with me” or “my spouse won’t even kiss me when I walk in the door”, you realize that not everybody lives that way and start to wonder why you should.
Add to this the nasty comments on this board “your spouse won’t even go to bed with you, what’s wrong with you!” or “up your game” or “try harder” or “go to counseling” while also thinking “my spouse is someone who wanted to marry and stay married, they aren’t a person I’ve had a couple dates with, why can’t they treat me like a romantic and sexual being or end the marriage”
I say all this with a broad definition of sex. I don’t care what people do and don’t do. I do care that they feel cherished in a marital relationship. That can be done in all kinds of ways. Generally though when someone describes their marriage as sexless, it means no romantic or sexual feelings are expressed or allowed to be expressed. If people are happy in their marriage, they don’t describe it as sexless.
I think people think they can be happy and may be happy for a time, but then they realize that they want to be with a person who is interested in them as a romantic/sexual person and they can’t just “go and find a girl” like that song from the 1960’s says. This applies to women too, there is another song that says “grab a guy”.
You can’t do that when you are married at least not unless you want to be called a horn dog, a dirty old man, a wh**re. If you are single, you are “going out with a nice ladyy” “spending time with a gentleman” same behaviors, same goal, very different language.
I think it isn’t so much about the type of sex. If you are feeling down and a friend or coworker says “well, it’s Friday, go home and spend time with your spouse” and you think “My spouse is more interested in reading a book then spending time with me” or “my spouse won’t even kiss me when I walk in the door”, you realize that not everybody lives that way and start to wonder why you should.
Add to this the nasty comments on this board “your spouse won’t even go to bed with you, what’s wrong with you!” or “up your game” or “try harder” or “go to counseling” while also thinking “my spouse is someone who wanted to marry and stay married, they aren’t a person I’ve had a couple dates with, why can’t they treat me like a romantic and sexual being or end the marriage”
I say all this with a broad definition of sex. I don’t care what people do and don’t do. I do care that they feel cherished in a marital relationship. That can be done in all kinds of ways. Generally though when someone describes their marriage as sexless, it means no romantic or sexual feelings are expressed or allowed to be expressed. If people are happy in their marriage, they don’t describe it as sexless.
Anonymous
10/29/2020 13:15
Subject: Re:Any happy sexless marriages?
Do her a big favor and find someone who will gladly teach you.I've had scores of good teachers. I learn someone from every woman I'm with.Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I'm in a sexless marriage. I have ED. When we had sex DW would criticize me and shame me in bed, as I am less experienced. Criticism does not help with ED. VIagra doesn't help when I feel self-conscious and criticized. I would do oral but again I get criticized. Getting tips and requests are fine but being told to google it and that I should know and am pretending to be ignorant to get out of it is not helpful.
Is it criticism or is she trying to guide you? She comes first and come as you are are both really good books. You might look at communication too. It sounds like you’re both really frustrated.
I'm okay with guidance and in fact want it. If she said go right, i would be fine with that or guided me with her hands, that is fine. She instead criticizes, is impatient and says she is not my teacher. Thus, no sex for us.
Anonymous
10/29/2020 13:09
Subject: Re:Any happy sexless marriages?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:We have a fairly sexless marriage but are better partners than most, and take care of each other. The lack of sex is partly due to him being on the spectrum and not able to engage emotionally the way I need. I'm hoping with therapy this will improve. But there are so many things more important than sex.
I thought this too. He'll cheat eventually. Men have no loyalty. The only ones who don't cheat are just lazy.
I would describe this differently. When a wife feels that "sex isn't important" (looking at you, PP) her man generally finds that "unimportant thing" elsewhere.
Anonymous
10/29/2020 12:19
Subject: Re:Any happy sexless marriages?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I'm in a sexless marriage. I have ED. When we had sex DW would criticize me and shame me in bed, as I am less experienced. Criticism does not help with ED. VIagra doesn't help when I feel self-conscious and criticized. I would do oral but again I get criticized. Getting tips and requests are fine but being told to google it and that I should know and am pretending to be ignorant to get out of it is not helpful.
Is it criticism or is she trying to guide you? She comes first and come as you are are both really good books. You might look at communication too. It sounds like you’re both really frustrated.
I'm okay with guidance and in fact want it. If she said go right, i would be fine with that or guided me with her hands, that is fine. She instead criticizes, is impatient and says she is not my teacher. Thus, no sex for us.
No offense, but you must take some responsibility for yourself. It’s not your partner’s job to guide you every inch of the way. That WOULD be frustrating! You sound a bit defeatist?
Anonymous
10/29/2020 12:09
Subject: Re:Any happy sexless marriages?
Anonymous wrote:We have a fairly sexless marriage but are better partners than most, and take care of each other. The lack of sex is partly due to him being on the spectrum and not able to engage emotionally the way I need. I'm hoping with therapy this will improve. But there are so many things more important than sex.
I thought this too. He'll cheat eventually. Men have no loyalty. The only ones who don't cheat are just lazy.
Anonymous
10/29/2020 09:16
Subject: Re:Any happy sexless marriages?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I'm in a sexless marriage. I have ED. When we had sex DW would criticize me and shame me in bed, as I am less experienced. Criticism does not help with ED. VIagra doesn't help when I feel self-conscious and criticized. I would do oral but again I get criticized. Getting tips and requests are fine but being told to google it and that I should know and am pretending to be ignorant to get out of it is not helpful.
Is it criticism or is she trying to guide you? She comes first and come as you are are both really good books. You might look at communication too. It sounds like you’re both really frustrated.
I'm okay with guidance and in fact want it. If she said go right, i would be fine with that or guided me with her hands, that is fine. She instead criticizes, is impatient and says she is not my teacher. Thus, no sex for us.[/quote
Did you not have sex until after marriage? I ask because sexual compatibility is usually figured out during dating.
We did have sex before marriage but didn't hear any complaints then.
Anonymous
10/28/2020 16:35
Subject: Re:Any happy sexless marriages?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I'm in a sexless marriage. I have ED. When we had sex DW would criticize me and shame me in bed, as I am less experienced. Criticism does not help with ED. VIagra doesn't help when I feel self-conscious and criticized. I would do oral but again I get criticized. Getting tips and requests are fine but being told to google it and that I should know and am pretending to be ignorant to get out of it is not helpful.
Is it criticism or is she trying to guide you? She comes first and come as you are are both really good books. You might look at communication too. It sounds like you’re both really frustrated.
I'm okay with guidance and in fact want it. If she said go right, i would be fine with that or guided me with her hands, that is fine. She instead criticizes, is impatient and says she is not my teacher. Thus, no sex for us.[/quote
Did you not have sex until after marriage? I ask because sexual compatibility is usually figured out during dating.
Anonymous
10/28/2020 13:28
Subject: Re:Any happy sexless marriages?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I'm in a sexless marriage. I have ED. When we had sex DW would criticize me and shame me in bed, as I am less experienced. Criticism does not help with ED. VIagra doesn't help when I feel self-conscious and criticized. I would do oral but again I get criticized. Getting tips and requests are fine but being told to google it and that I should know and am pretending to be ignorant to get out of it is not helpful.
Is it criticism or is she trying to guide you? She comes first and come as you are are both really good books. You might look at communication too. It sounds like you’re both really frustrated.
I'm okay with guidance and in fact want it. If she said go right, i would be fine with that or guided me with her hands, that is fine. She instead criticizes, is impatient and says she is not my teacher. Thus, no sex for us.
What is normal communication like? Outside of this. Do you normally need everything explained with specificity?
Are either of you able to process feedback?
Anonymous
10/28/2020 13:26
Subject: Re:Any happy sexless marriages?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I'm in a sexless marriage. I have ED. When we had sex DW would criticize me and shame me in bed, as I am less experienced. Criticism does not help with ED. VIagra doesn't help when I feel self-conscious and criticized. I would do oral but again I get criticized. Getting tips and requests are fine but being told to google it and that I should know and am pretending to be ignorant to get out of it is not helpful.
Is it criticism or is she trying to guide you? She comes first and come as you are are both really good books. You might look at communication too. It sounds like you’re both really frustrated.
I'm okay with guidance and in fact want it. If she said go right, i would be fine with that or guided me with her hands, that is fine. She instead criticizes, is impatient and says she is not my teacher. Thus, no sex for us.
What is normal communication like? Outside of this. Do you normally need everything explained with specificity?
Anonymous
10/28/2020 12:39
Subject: Re:Any happy sexless marriages?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I'm in a sexless marriage. I have ED. When we had sex DW would criticize me and shame me in bed, as I am less experienced. Criticism does not help with ED. VIagra doesn't help when I feel self-conscious and criticized. I would do oral but again I get criticized. Getting tips and requests are fine but being told to google it and that I should know and am pretending to be ignorant to get out of it is not helpful.
Is it criticism or is she trying to guide you? She comes first and come as you are are both really good books. You might look at communication too. It sounds like you’re both really frustrated.
I'm okay with guidance and in fact want it. If she said go right, i would be fine with that or guided me with her hands, that is fine. She instead criticizes, is impatient and says she is not my teacher. Thus, no sex for us.
Anonymous
10/28/2020 12:39
Subject: Re:Any happy sexless marriages?
Anonymous wrote:I'm in a sexless marriage. I have ED. When we had sex DW would criticize me and shame me in bed, as I am less experienced. Criticism does not help with ED. VIagra doesn't help when I feel self-conscious and criticized. I would do oral but again I get criticized. Getting tips and requests are fine but being told to google it and that I should know and am pretending to be ignorant to get out of it is not helpful.
How old are you?
Anonymous
10/28/2020 12:33
Subject: Any happy sexless marriages?
+1. I wish we would have it more often, but DH has major ED issues. Our marriage is otherwise good. We are very loving with each other otherwise.Anonymous wrote:My guess is the people in happy sexless marriages are still affectionate and loving to each other.