Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I am with you. I think affairs are about the person who has them, not about the marriage. There are lots of posts on DCUM where people are blindsided by an affair because they have a good marriage.

I have told my DH if he has an affair he better not tell me, I don’t want to know that he effed up. I also tell him how angry I would be that he effed up, so it’s not that I don’t care, it’s just that I think if I believe I have an awesome marriage - he treats me well, is a good father, listens to me, provides me emotional and physical intimacy - then him effing up doesn’t really change those facts.

And please stop with the “I couldn’t take all the deceit” — if you have kids, they lie all the time. Small lies when they are small, and bigger ones when they get older (and you also lied to your parents). Do you not refuse to have a relationship with them once you find out that they have lied? Of course you don’t.

Until you contract an STD or he knocks another woman up...

Therapists” have no “Duty to Warn,” betrayed partners because of patient confidentiality. (even though most Infidels don’t practice safe sex)…..gee…. But isn’t that leading us firmly into language of human rights issues or domestic violence towards unaware partners? Oh No! way too controversial and threatening. Besides it interferes with the cultural, “ME,” and what I want…….. and…… even peoples ‘incomes.

I would always want to know the truth of my marriage and the risks for my own health and family safety. I don't believe anyone can keep a lie like that, a double life, and not have it bleed into the marriage in some way. The turmoil inside eventually catches up with the cheater in some way. It's hard work to keep lies going.

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why all these people are responding to the OP with "in the abstract it's not a big deal, in reality it is." OP clearly stated that she has experienced infidelity--it's not an abstract concept to her.

OP, I completely agree. The importance that people put on romantic/sexual fidelity is pretty weird to me. It's like monogamy is a box, and people keep falling out of the box, or shifting around and being uncomfortable in it. It happens to so many people that maybe it's the box that should be reexamined and adjusted, rather than the people being chastised because they don't fit perfectly in the box.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with 9:04. The abstract is very different than the reality, and elides all of the gaslighting and emotional abuse that are necessary to sustain an affair.

+100

I’m on medication. I never had any mental issues prior. I had to go on an anti-depressant.

Anxiety. I had racing anxiety and needed medication to sleep at night. I lost 10 lbs in one month and looked anorexic after. I could not afford to lose weight. I was already a thin, fit person.

DP. Me too. And clumps of my hair started to fall out 3 months after finding out. I still have a racing heart most of the day.

There are therapists specifically trained to deal with complex infidelity PTSD. It has been recognized.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with 9:04. The abstract is very different than the reality, and elides all of the gaslighting and emotional abuse that are necessary to sustain an affair.

+100

I’m on medication. I never had any mental issues prior. I had to go on an anti-depressant.

Anxiety. I had racing anxiety and needed medication to sleep at night. I lost 10 lbs in one month and looked anorexic after. I could not afford to lose weight. I was already a thin, fit person.

DP. Me too. And clumps of my hair started to fall out 3 months after finding out. I still have a racing heart most of the day.

Anonymous wrote:Humans need to trust in order to have healthy relationships. Affairs undermine trust in a fundamental way.

Anonymous wrote:Op, I am with you. I think affairs are about the person who has them, not about the marriage. There are lots of posts on DCUM where people are blindsided by an affair because they have a good marriage.

I have told my DH if he has an affair he better not tell me, I don’t want to know that he effed up. I also tell him how angry I would be that he effed up, so it’s not that I don’t care, it’s just that I think if I believe I have an awesome marriage - he treats me well, is a good father, listens to me, provides me emotional and physical intimacy - then him effing up doesn’t really change those facts.

And please stop with the “I couldn’t take all the deceit” — if you have kids, they lie all the time. Small lies when they are small, and bigger ones when they get older (and you also lied to your parents). Do you not refuse to have a relationship with them once you find out that they have lied? Of course you don’t.

Anonymous wrote:

I am the OP. My husband and I were living a pretty sexless life for a few years because of me. I think because of that when I found out he was cheating, I wasn't surprised.

Anonymous wrote:Extramarital affairs have existed for as long as we have had the institution of marriage. Kings have affairs, Queens have affairs, janitors and wallmart workers have affairs. The best of us and the worst of us have affairs. My husband recently cheated on me and you know what surprised me more than any other emotion that came up at the time?

It wasn't about me. He was going through something and acting out by the way of having an affair was his maladjusted way of dealing with his demons. I know he never loved the girl or built a life with her. Of course the thought of it hurts me. But he is back and in the marriage. I know he never stopped loving me and I am it for him.

I imagine its true for situations surrounding most affairs.

I stayed. It is not a popular decision. People think it has something to do with my lack of respect for myself. Maybe? But I think I genuinely don't think his poor choices reflect on me. We are working it out.

Is it not possible to entertain the thought that our preoccupation with having extreme standards of monogamy are a little...unrealistic?

We are imperfect after all.

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why all these people are responding to the OP with "in the abstract it's not a big deal, in reality it is." OP clearly stated that she has experienced infidelity--it's not an abstract concept to her.

OP, I completely agree. The importance that people put on romantic/sexual fidelity is pretty weird to me. It's like monogamy is a box, and people keep falling out of the box, or shifting around and being uncomfortable in it. It happens to so many people that maybe it's the box that should be reexamined and adjusted, rather than the people being chastised because they don't fit perfectly in the box.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Religion, sanctity of marriage, family of origin and values. I see drastically different views. It's easy to see why somebody that thinks it is 'no big deal' would never be able to understand somebody that requires 'no lies and honesty' in a marriage. Going behind a spouse's back and outright lying to their face is very serious and the lack of moral code/character for somebody to do that is not something I could accept in somebody I pledged to love, respect and cherish. No thanks.

Marriage is long. The theory or idea of it is drastically different than the lived reality of it. Sometimes you go through a dark time and make bad choices.

Is marriage then, only for those who have easy lifes or no mental illnesses?

I am the OP. My husband and I were living a pretty sexless life for a few years because of me. I think because of that when I found out he was cheating, I wasn't surprised.

Oh no, no, no. You don't get to twist this around and go off on a different tangent. Change the title of your thread to - "DH with mental illness and hard life had affair but I am ok with it because of my own issues" if you want to vent and have sympathetic audience.

The marriage vows do say - ...for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part...etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Religion, sanctity of marriage, family of origin and values. I see drastically different views. It's easy to see why somebody that thinks it is 'no big deal' would never be able to understand somebody that requires 'no lies and honesty' in a marriage. Going behind a spouse's back and outright lying to their face is very serious and the lack of moral code/character for somebody to do that is not something I could accept in somebody I pledged to love, respect and cherish. No thanks.

Marriage is long. The theory or idea of it is drastically different than the lived reality of it. Sometimes you go through a dark time and make bad choices.

Is marriage then, only for those who have easy lifes or no mental illnesses?

I am the OP. My husband and I were living a pretty sexless life for a few years because of me. I think because of that when I found out he was cheating, I wasn't surprised.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with 9:04. The abstract is very different than the reality, and elides all of the gaslighting and emotional abuse that are necessary to sustain an affair.

+100

I’m on medication. I never had any mental issues prior. I had to go on an anti-depressant.

Anxiety. I had racing anxiety and needed medication to sleep at night. I lost 10 lbs in one month and looked anorexic after. I could not afford to lose weight. I was already a thin, fit person.