Anonymous
Post 10/06/2020 17:49     Subject: I have everything I ever wanted except romantic love
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I have everything I ever wanted - good education, good health, nice/healthy children, a nice house, no debt (except a manageable mortgage), a good job, passion for what I do, hobbies, interests, friends. The only thing that lacks in my life is romantic love. Been married for a while to the same guy - we just don't love each other. Married because we thought it was the right thing to do but we aren't even friends. We don't see eye to eye on anything. We fight and it's ugly so we just don't interact anymore.

Is romantic love worth uprooting the rest of my life? Not sure I'd even find it - I'm 44. Or should I be happy with the rest of my life and wish for romantic love in my next life?


DH here, 51, in the same position for the most part. I go back and forth. My biggest reason for staying is the family unit. My kids (young adults) are happy, and we do the family thing really well. My greatest fear is not only the family falling apart, but also the effect it would have in the kids. Life's hard enough to navigate without having your base, your foundation suddenly crumble. So every day is an exercise in trying to feel better about never having someone that I truly connect with. I love and care about my wife. She's a good person, and a great mother. But there is nothing between us, and no amount of date nights or spicy things up will make a difference (I've tried). Some days it's fine. Others it's crushing. Not really an answer to your question, OP, but just know there are other people out there going through the same thing. Would you find it? I'm certain you would. But like most everything in life it would likely come with a cost.


DW here, and I feel similarly. I don't think I want to blow it up, for the sake of the kids, shared history, and the concept of "good enough." We do the family thing well, too. We don't fight much, that would make a difference to me. FWIW, I work on friendships where I can share more emotional intimacy and get some of what I wish was part of my marriage. I also go on retreats by myself from time to time and find those healing in a different way.
Anonymous
Post 10/06/2020 04:55     Subject: Re:I have everything I ever wanted except romantic love
Who says that at forty-four you will not ever the glorious opportunity to ever fall in love??!

Makes zero sense.

One can find their soulmate at any age.

Sure, it is much easier to find a partner in your twenties...
But that does not mean it cannot happen in mid-life.
Anonymous
Post 10/05/2020 22:36     Subject: I have everything I ever wanted except romantic love
Anonymous wrote:Single 44 year old woman here with lost of single and divorced female friends. There is a good chance you will not find it. Your decision should be, "Would I rather be alone, or would I rather be with him?" It should not be "Would I rather be with someone I am really into, or would I rather be with him?" Do not blow up your life because you hope you will wind up with someone you are more into. It's very possible that will not happen. But, perhaps you would be happier alone. Only you can answer that. Oh, and how would you feel if you are single and he is remarried and your kids have a stepmother? Because that is the likeliest scenario.


PP here. I agree with this. I decided I would rather be alone forever than continue to be married. I don't think anyone should divorce if they are thinking they want a better fit. It has to be that the marriage itself is bad enough to leave and leaving and being alone is better than staying.

However, I have found it is better after, and I have been pleasantly surprised that for me at least, it is not as bleak as people seem to think.
Anonymous
Post 10/05/2020 22:32     Subject: I have everything I ever wanted except romantic love
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I have to say OP if you've not "experienced romantic love" then that's about you, mostly. At 44 you're not going to find it anywhere else.

Make the best of what you have and be a better parent / partner in the family you have.


Speak for yourself. 46 and deep in the throes of romantic love. Not suggesting chucking things is OP's best strategy, but I often find that middle-aged and unhappy married people want other to commiserate in a particularly joyless way. Examine your own situation and find happiness, or don't, but it's not over for some of us.


+1
Anonymous
Post 10/05/2020 22:32     Subject: I have everything I ever wanted except romantic love
Anonymous wrote:Wait until your kids leave for college, then leave.


I think this is terrible advice. Awful. Teaches them that living a lie or a pretend show is okay.
Anonymous
Post 10/05/2020 22:31     Subject: I have everything I ever wanted except romantic love
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I have to say OP if you've not "experienced romantic love" then that's about you, mostly. At 44 you're not going to find it anywhere else.

Make the best of what you have and be a better parent / partner in the family you have.


Speak for yourself. 46 and deep in the throes of romantic love. Not suggesting chucking things is OP's best strategy, but I often find that middle-aged and unhappy married people want other to commiserate in a particularly joyless way. Examine your own situation and find happiness, or don't, but it's not over for some of us.


+1. I know people who have married in their fifties and are happier than ever.
Anonymous
Post 10/05/2020 22:30     Subject: Re:I have everything I ever wanted except romantic love
Anonymous wrote:
Been married for a while to the same guy - we just don't love each other. Married because we thought it was the right thing to do but we aren't even friends.


I never understood this. How do people decide to get married if they are not totally in love with each other?!



NP. It happens a lot. It surprises me people don't realizes this. I did it. I had huge doubts. People said it was cold feet. It wasn't. It was a miserable marriage. A complete waste of a decade. I wanted out early. My mom said stay. Stupidity. Many people marry when the social amd family pressure gets really strong.
Anonymous
Post 10/05/2020 21:17     Subject: I have everything I ever wanted except romantic love
Anonymous wrote:I have to say OP if you've not "experienced romantic love" then that's about you, mostly. At 44 you're not going to find it anywhere else.

Make the best of what you have and be a better parent / partner in the family you have.


Speak for yourself. 46 and deep in the throes of romantic love. Not suggesting chucking things is OP's best strategy, but I often find that middle-aged and unhappy married people want other to commiserate in a particularly joyless way. Examine your own situation and find happiness, or don't, but it's not over for some of us.
Anonymous
Post 10/04/2020 23:10     Subject: Re:I have everything I ever wanted except romantic love
^The recent spectacular karma is the news has me hopeful it will strike down my Soon to be ex-spouse and awful AP. Trash. They deserve what they get. He dumped her upon discovery. And her spouse is dumping her. Let the games begin universe!