Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:(I'm not saying this is you) My SAHM friends get really caught up in the little things and talk about it a lot. One talks about cosleeping and how it's ruining her life. She talks about it weekly when I see her. Another has major issues with potty training and trained for like a year- for both her kids! I think this is more of a personality difference, but I'm really a take charge type of person. With potty training I 100% believed they could get it before 2 and told them this is what's going to happen, and it did. I potty trained my nephews too in a weekend. With cosleeping I walked them back constantly until they didn't leave their beds. Oh and daycare did not help me with any of that.

I just think sahms get really caught up in the minutiae of babies/toddlers versus seeing things as very solvable problems.

Anyone of any employment status can be a problem solver. Just because you have a job doesn’t mean you have superior skills. In your case, I guess your “take charge” personality is just a euphemism for “patronizing bitch.”

You're the only one saying that only problem solvers can hold paying jobs. I didn't state that at all. It's just that it's the non problem solvers who whine about these issues. I have SAHM friends who are rocking their jobs. I'm not patronizing at all.

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, if you had SAHM acquaintances, they would criticize your parenting, too. Some mothers just do this. I think it's a result of some combination of:

(1) needing to justify the way they did things to themselves by treating it as The Only Right Way to do things
(2) insecurity in their choices, which manifests as attacks on people who do things differently, because they see someone doing something differently as an implicit attack on them
(3) overinvestment in a particular style of parenting or a parenting choice as a part of their identity, and thus the desire to proselytize/attack others
(4) just generally being a judgy bitch

I don't think it's really about SAHM/WOHM. It's about the way we treat parenting in this country as a competitive sport, and put SO MUCH on parents, especially mothers, to provide "optimal" everything, like their kids are sports cars to be fine-tuned, and blaming them for anything that their kids do or don't do.

This.

OP, I kind of get the idea that you’re judging your WOH friends as not being “in the weeds” of parenting like a SAH parent would be. You’d rather take the advice of a blog than that of your friends, and even secondhand help from their nannies, who often really know their stuff because they’ve done it many times before. You’re dismissing them because they - what - don’t grind in it all day, every day, like you do?

Also, think about why you need to go with “jealous and insecure” vs “opinion different than mine” or “trying to offer a different way of doing /perspective of things”.

I don’t think the mommy wars are as real as are people who just fluff over everything. I don’t know of ANY family that does things the same way. Sometimes hearing different perspectives is helpful, sometimes it’s just something you need to move along from. But you’re really putting too much stock into the WOH/SAH dynamics at play here, other than your own insecurities and biases.

OP again. I also wanted to respond to the suggestion that I befriend the nannies in my neighborhood. I actually have thoughts about that because after my kid turned one and everyone I knew was back at work, I did try to do this sort of. Since I was often the only mom at story times or at the playground, I definitely got to know a lot of nannies in my neighborhood and our kids play together. But I also learned that nanny culture is really different than "mom culture". It's their job. They talk about the kids, of course, and have lots of opinions and often useful info about raising kids because many of them have a lot of experience. But they are actually more likely to talk about money, working conditions, and the logistics of their jobs. Like I was talking to a nanny I know recently and the entire conversation was about the logistics of her employer's vacations and how that works for her when they ask her to join them on trips.

It's a totally different thing than having a mom friend. But nannies are great! Or some of them are. Some of them are definitely just staring at their phones waiting for the day to be over, but even that I relate to. Playground time can be soooooo boring!

Anonymous wrote:
If nothing else this thread shows a lot of working moms are huge jerks about parenting. It’s not just the women you know, OP.

Insecurity and meanness go hand in hand.

I've done both roles, my kids are teens now, and if you think WOHMs have a corner on the market in insecurity and meanness, you are deluded.

But I do think it's fairly rare in real life. I don't know why people are so nasty online. My friends of all types are not like this.

OP here. I really appreciate all the kind comments! I knew this would get some mommy wars stuff because I've been on DCUM before, but I appreciate everyone who offered genuine advice and empathy.

I particularly appreciate the point that SAHM are as likely to be judgmental or unkind, I just don't know that because I don't know many SAHMs. This really had not occurred to me! I think I am a little sensitive about being a SAHM because it's uncommon in my area and social circle, and I may have assumed the rude comments were because people judge me for staying home. But it makes sense that this is just something that happens between moms sometimes, regardless of circumstance. We are all under a lot of pressure and the expectations are not realistic.

And yes, this is my first child and most of my friends are first time moms, or if they have multiple kids, they are all very young. Thank you to those of you who pointed out that it's a particularly insecure time for moms and that it might make this behavior worse. I definitely see how that would be true. I've been looking forward to my kid hitting school age for a bunch of reasons, but maybe it will also help everyone relax a bit and be a little less defensive (maybe? it seems people get pretty intense about school stuff too!). Anyway, thank you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have friends who would speak to me like that. You have a friend problem not a SAHM problem.

This. OP, the mommy wars are for the Internet. If you're experiencing them in real life, you need new friends.

Agreed. Maybe you should set up some playdates with their awesome, professional nannies. They might be nicer people, and they might get into the weeds with you on this parenting thing

See, OP? Gratuitous SAHM judgmental comments. They're out there too!

How is that judgmental?
OP said that she was upset that her friends wouldn't get into the weeds with her on the day to day parenting stuff. That's rough.
Her friends are also kind of crappy and judgmental. She might find better friends with their nannies.

First of all, no she didn't say that. She never said she wanted her friends to get into the weeds with her and they won't, she said she feels like they're judging her parenting when they talk about parenting issues.

Secondly, saying that nannies are more in the weeds of parenting than WOHMs is gratuitously judgmental, and crappy while we're at it.

From the OP:
"I don't expect my WOHM friends to get into the weeds with me on certain parenting things, and I've gotten used to using blogs and podcasts for that stuff."

And I thought you were accusing me of judging SAHMs. I didn't even realize I was being accused of judging WOHMs. I guess this shows you how much baggage we all carry in to these mommy wars. It's kind of depressing.

DP. As a former SAHM, I read both you and OP as judging WOHMs with those quotes. FWIW.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have friends who would speak to me like that. You have a friend problem not a SAHM problem.

This. OP, the mommy wars are for the Internet. If you're experiencing them in real life, you need new friends.

Agreed. Maybe you should set up some playdates with their awesome, professional nannies. They might be nicer people, and they might get into the weeds with you on this parenting thing

See, OP? Gratuitous SAHM judgmental comments. They're out there too!

How is that judgmental?
OP said that she was upset that her friends wouldn't get into the weeds with her on the day to day parenting stuff. That's rough.
Her friends are also kind of crappy and judgmental. She might find better friends with their nannies.

First of all, no she didn't say that. She never said she wanted her friends to get into the weeds with her and they won't, she said she feels like they're judging her parenting when they talk about parenting issues.

Secondly, saying that nannies are more in the weeds of parenting than WOHMs is gratuitously judgmental, and crappy while we're at it.

From the OP:
"I don't expect my WOHM friends to get into the weeds with me on certain parenting things, and I've gotten used to using blogs and podcasts for that stuff."

And I thought you were accusing me of judging SAHMs. I didn't even realize I was being accused of judging WOHMs. I guess this shows you how much baggage we all carry in to these mommy wars. It's kind of depressing.

Anonymous wrote:I don't really get into nitty gritty parenting details with anyone, but most especially not with WOHMs or moms of only one child or much older children. There's always going to be a huge divide and I don't want to step on anyone's toes. So in some ways you must be bringing this on yourself.

With that said, as a fellow SAHM I also see no reason why your child was potty trained late. That would come off as laziness to me, but I wouldn't say anything unless perhaps you had a history of taking digs at my parenting style.

WOHM here. One of mine trained late because he has, and has always had, acute anxiety. At the time, I was more focused on the fact he didn't talk at preschool for a full year after he was talking to me.....you never know what another family is going through so best to not get judgey.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have friends who would speak to me like that. You have a friend problem not a SAHM problem.

This. OP, the mommy wars are for the Internet. If you're experiencing them in real life, you need new friends.

Agreed. Maybe you should set up some playdates with their awesome, professional nannies. They might be nicer people, and they might get into the weeds with you on this parenting thing

See, OP? Gratuitous SAHM judgmental comments. They're out there too!

How is that judgmental?
OP said that she was upset that her friends wouldn't get into the weeds with her on the day to day parenting stuff. That's rough.
Her friends are also kind of crappy and judgmental. She might find better friends with their nannies.

I don't think this is a SAHM v. WOHM thing. I work part time from home, so I am kind of in between, but the last thing I want to do when I get to hang out with other adults is talk about parenting shit. I love my kids to the ends of the earth but I like having the occasional adult conversation about adult things. If I need advice I talk to my mom or MIL or SIL. When I finally get to hang out with friends it's a mental break from the parenting grind.

Anonymous wrote:(I'm not saying this is you) My SAHM friends get really caught up in the little things and talk about it a lot. One talks about cosleeping and how it's ruining her life. She talks about it weekly when I see her. Another has major issues with potty training and trained for like a year- for both her kids! I think this is more of a personality difference, but I'm really a take charge type of person. With potty training I 100% believed they could get it before 2 and told them this is what's going to happen, and it did. I potty trained my nephews too in a weekend. With cosleeping I walked them back constantly until they didn't leave their beds. Oh and daycare did not help me with any of that.

I just think sahms get really caught up in the minutiae of babies/toddlers versus seeing things as very solvable problems.

Anyone of any employment status can be a problem solver. Just because you have a job doesn’t mean you have superior skills. In your case, I guess your “take charge” personality is just a euphemism for “patronizing bitch.”

If nothing else this thread shows a lot of working moms are huge jerks about parenting. It’s not just the women you know, OP.

Insecurity and meanness go hand in hand.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have friends who would speak to me like that. You have a friend problem not a SAHM problem.

This. OP, the mommy wars are for the Internet. If you're experiencing them in real life, you need new friends.

Agreed. Maybe you should set up some playdates with their awesome, professional nannies. They might be nicer people, and they might get into the weeds with you on this parenting thing

See, OP? Gratuitous SAHM judgmental comments. They're out there too!

How is that judgmental?
OP said that she was upset that her friends wouldn't get into the weeds with her on the day to day parenting stuff. That's rough.
Her friends are also kind of crappy and judgmental. She might find better friends with their nannies.

First of all, no she didn't say that. She never said she wanted her friends to get into the weeds with her and they won't, she said she feels like they're judging her parenting when they talk about parenting issues.

Secondly, saying that nannies are more in the weeds of parenting than WOHMs is gratuitously judgmental, and crappy while we're at it.

I don't really get into nitty gritty parenting details with anyone, but most especially not with WOHMs or moms of only one child or much older children. There's always going to be a huge divide and I don't want to step on anyone's toes. So in some ways you must be bringing this on yourself.

With that said, as a fellow SAHM I also see no reason why your child was potty trained late. That would come off as laziness to me, but I wouldn't say anything unless perhaps you had a history of taking digs at my parenting style.

Why are you hanging around these women? Get a better set of acquaintances.

I'm a working mom and my closest mom friend is a SAHM. We respect each other's choices and there's never an issue.