Anonymous
Post 09/22/2020 18:07     Subject: Re:What have you learned about your own upbringing by becoming a parent?
My mom has always touted that she was a very young, single mother. While that is very true, she had most, if not all of the time had a free baby sitter from the time that I was 4, and probably prior to that as well. I know that I was a difficult child because I wasn't like any other child she had ever dealt with (I was into sports and science, not dolls and dresses) and I spent quite a bit of time being sick. Beatings were common for not obeying the rules, even if she didn't understand why I broke the rules. Timeouts didn't exist. So, when I kept not getting up to go to the bathroom at night, I got beat. It wasn't until I kept getting UTIs that she realized that there was a medical issue. Anything that she didn't understand about me, she didn't really try to understand. Yes, I was fed, clothed, and got toys. I'm not saying I wasn't loved at all. I didn't get much attention, affection, or engagement. Thanks to her, I have learned that I don't like to beat my kids and that its not an effective means of punishment for all kids. I learned from my mom not being engaged in my life that its important for me to be engaged in my kids' lives. I want them to know that they can talk to me and can rely on me to be there for things that are important to them. My kids know that I'm not the touchy, feely type, but they know that they are loved, well taken care of, are important to me, and that I care about them.
Anonymous
Post 09/22/2020 12:06     Subject: What have you learned about your own upbringing by becoming a parent?
Anonymous wrote:One of the surprises of parenting is how much it has made me realize about my own childhood. Just stuff I'd never really thought about before has become so obvious.

I have a toddler, going through the phase of learning how to handle big emotions. Something I learned early on in the process is that when she melts down, one of the best things I can do is stay calm. Some of the parenting resources I look at call this "being their calm." The idea being that they don't know how to manage feelings like frustration or disappointment yet, but if you can model calmness, it helps them process those feelings without always becoming angry or screaming and crying.

This was an epiphany for me. I don't find it hard to model calm for my kid, and it's actually really help deal with the toddler meltdowns. But it's made me realize that no one modeled calm for me as a child. They modeled irritation or rage, or they just ignored me when I was upset. As a result, I've struggled as an adult with managing the same emotions my toddler is now working on, and definitely have bad habits of getting angry, irritable, or simply ignoring my own feelings. Helping my toddler has actually helped me figure this out and I'm sort of amazed I made it through this much of my life without these skills.

Anyone else realized stuff like this via your kids and learning how to parent them? I honestly don't think I would have realized any of this stuff if I hadn't had a kid.


I realized that the impact of having 3 children and having kids early in their marriage effected the way they viewed life. I was much older when I had my two girls and had a decade worth of work experiences/relationships outside of my family which they didn't really get to experience.

So the general difference would be that they really viewed their lives around surviving the child rearing years and I view my time/relationship much more thoughtfully than they did. It could also be a generational gap. My mom wanted us out of the house to play and I instead order amazon bracelet making kits with my daughters and play one on one with them. I don't know what is better. Also, I think since they had a lot of kids early on they viewed money differently than I did. It took having children for me to really be serious about finances and understanding the role of a job as just a job ( one you hopefully like) but at the end of the day to provide $$ for your family.
Anonymous
Post 09/22/2020 10:55     Subject: Re:What have you learned about your own upbringing by becoming a parent?
This thread is very helpful to me. My childhood was filled with two explosive parents, witnessing daily fights, whippings for minor infractions, and teasing or anger from my parents when I showed emotions or empathy. I struggle with not being resentful and how to move forward. My anger towards them is new. I did move on the minute I left home and actually just never thought much about how miserable I was on a day-to-day basis. I just swept it under the rug I guess. I don't really talk to anyone about it in detail and typing this now feels like I am complaining. I am frustrated by how much emotional energy my childhood (something completely out of my control) still affects me. My parents were so selfish I learned toot want anything in life and was a martyr just catering to everyone around me because of it. I've slowly learned how to want things and try to enjoy life but it's hard. These feelings definitely came up after having children and I have more perspective on how extreme their behaviors were. Their emotional immaturity is now so evident I feel pity for my parents. The harder thing is that I have one parent still in my life and the behaviors still continue so it is hard to put everything behind me. I do need to work on the advice here to not reveal anything private and keep my distance. I believe those here who are deeply impacted by mistreatment and abuse. Thank you for making me feel less alone.
Anonymous
Post 09/22/2020 10:26     Subject: What have you learned about your own upbringing by becoming a parent?
I learned that my mom is very similar as a grandmother as she was a mother. Unconditional love, but mostly bored by kid activities.

I feel like I overindulge my kids in total nonsense because my upbringing felt like I was treated like an adult from a young age. I don't know if that's good or bad, just different.
Anonymous
Post 09/22/2020 10:23     Subject: What have you learned about your own upbringing by becoming a parent?
Anonymous wrote:
These threads kill me. “I have a toddler and now realize I am such a better parent than my imperfect parents who raised me, sheltered me, fed me, educated me, etc.”

Abuse= habitual cruelty. Cruelty = callous indifference to causing suffering in another person.

Be respectful of your own parents. If they didn’t have the positive parenting resources that are so popular today, cut them a break. Or your kids will absorb your judgmental habits. End rant.


I agree with you PP. I know that some parents are abusive, but either all of those kids grew up and came to DCUM, or there is a lot of exaggeration going on. For example, the poster that complains her parents didn't do things with her - that was far more of the parental norm when I was growing up and I wouldn't consider that terrible parenting. Now parents are much more involved (I'm certainly more involved than my parents were ) because that is today's norms but I'm not convinced that it's better parenting. Our kids might very well come onto Future DCUM 20-30 years from now complaining how their parents (us) wouldn't let them do anything without them, like playing outside alone for hours at a time, and how it stunted their growth. It's just very easy to look back through today's parenting lens and complain about everything your parents did (I'm excluding actual abuse, which does happen).