Anonymous
08/28/2020 12:04
Subject: Re:I want to move due to resentment of neighbors and DH thinks I'm being crazy.
Anonymous wrote:We have a little girl next door who was playing Mean Girl. She was getting all the kids to gang up on one kid, picking a different one of my children to do this to each time. I would correct this little girl repeatedly, even in front of her mother, and it would never stop. My kids are now forbidden to play with that family and I tell them the reason in plain language.
So I relate to have a little girl next door who is not as cherubic inside as her appearance.
Furthermore, the parents are popular and host lost of parties, and try to keep their guests right at the property line on my side even though it's really strange for everybody. In retrospect, I am suspicious that the mother may be socially competitive and was teaching her DD to behave this way intentionally.
I wonder, OP, if this perfect family that you have next door is deliberately dropping hints or engaging in behaviors specifically to make you jealous. It sounds like they had the money for an even nicer place but chose to be the 'big fish' in a slightly less wealthy neighborhood. The mom may have a need to feel like the winner. I am sure your therapist is telling you to see the big picture and the problem is you...but you may have actually been a target in the same way your daughter is a target now.
You sound crazy!
Anonymous
08/28/2020 12:01
Subject: I want to move due to resentment of neighbors and DH thinks I'm being crazy.
I didn't move. We just didn't connect with the neighborhood. Move. Just move. Don't wait. Just move.
Anonymous
08/28/2020 11:59
Subject: I want to move due to resentment of neighbors and DH thinks I'm being crazy.
No ones life is perfect.
Have you tried to make friends with the woman yourself?
Ask them to come over for a happy hour or pizza one Friday night. I know plenty of people who seem perfect and once you get to know them, you realize they are human just like everyone else with their own issues and insecurities. I think it's toxic for yourself to place another person on a pedestal like that. As others have said, it may be rubbing off on your daughter. This is teen stuff and I get it. I would be so upset for that dynamic to play out with my own child. While it sucks, there are many of us that managed to get through HS without being the most popular one that are successful adults. Keep doing what you are doing and encourage her to make other friends and interests. Maybe look into an extracurricular that is special and outside the norm in your neighborhood so she can meet some new people.
Have you tried to make friends with the woman yourself?
Ask them to come over for a happy hour or pizza one Friday night. I know plenty of people who seem perfect and once you get to know them, you realize they are human just like everyone else with their own issues and insecurities. I think it's toxic for yourself to place another person on a pedestal like that. As others have said, it may be rubbing off on your daughter. This is teen stuff and I get it. I would be so upset for that dynamic to play out with my own child. While it sucks, there are many of us that managed to get through HS without being the most popular one that are successful adults. Keep doing what you are doing and encourage her to make other friends and interests. Maybe look into an extracurricular that is special and outside the norm in your neighborhood so she can meet some new people.
Anonymous
08/28/2020 11:44
Subject: I want to move due to resentment of neighbors and DH thinks I'm being crazy.
Are you just going to keep moving until you're surrounded by losers on all sides? Seems like an odd strategy.
Anonymous
08/28/2020 11:36
Subject: I want to move due to resentment of neighbors and DH thinks I'm being crazy.
Anonymous wrote:Well, maybe you’re not religious, but when I’m envious of someone, I pray for them. Pray that they are blessed with peace, success, happiness. I think then it helps to start to Delight in their successes instead of feeling bitter.
NP. I’m not religious, but I do the same. Reframe my thinking so I truly want the best for others. Happiness makes me happy. OP, also not sure your daughter is deliberately being excluded.
Anonymous
08/28/2020 10:52
Subject: I want to move due to resentment of neighbors and DH thinks I'm being crazy.
Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine moving rather than addressing the behaviour of their child with your child and/or the other child's parents.
Why would you not enlighten your dd with your insights on her behaviour/treatment by this child?
The answer: you feel so weird/guilty about your envy that you are trying to bury it. Your DD has picked up on your not-so-covert worship and is also infatuated. Shut this down.
"friendships should be equal" "don't try so hard" "say no to invites once in a while", etc etc. If that doesn't work, address the mean-girlishness with the mum. If she cares/corrects it great, if not, distance yourselves; don't move.
PS you aren't closet-gay are you? Is this more than asexual infatuation?
+1
Good observation! OP, you have some underlying issues that need to be addressed. Jealousy/fixation happens, but what you are feeling seems more than that. Do you know the mom well, or are you just "competing" with her, in your mind? It is insightful of you to admit that you were an outsider and not accepted, so you deflect that onto the new neighbor. I have seen this before, so I wonder if I know you.
Anonymous
08/28/2020 10:45
Subject: Re:I want to move due to resentment of neighbors and DH thinks I'm being crazy.
Anonymous wrote:OP, you are not benefiting from your therapy if all you're doing is venting. Your therapist should not be giving you socializing tips. They should be working with you to help you do the really uncomfortable introspection that will help you figure out 1) why you're so envious of your neighbor and 2) how to maintain the perspective you will need to be a supportive parent to your DD. This is not the last social problem your DD will face. If each one burns you this much, you will be of no use to your DD.
Find a new therapist, or at least commit to doing the work with this therapist.
+1
Anonymous
08/28/2020 10:45
Subject: I want to move due to resentment of neighbors and DH thinks I'm being crazy.
Anonymous wrote:Do you have them over for drinks? For dinner? Afternoon BBQ?
OP here. We have invited them over for drinks outside a few times. They have made it clear they had other plans after--felt like pity drinks. They were nice but clearly busy. They have also had outdoor parties (invited us) and it was mainly the affluent, cool parents in town. Felt out of place. They have never done anything outwardly mean -- they have accepted our invites and extended in return, but there's not a ton of chemistry and they clearly have their own crowd already and we aren't breaking in.
But my DD is in the same class as her DD and they also take dance together so a friendship/connection is more organic and they see one another more. I took this all to heart and invited the whole family over tonight for drinks/apps outside and they said yes, including with her DD.
I have told my own DD that friends come and go. I've encouraged her to turn down an invite but the pull is strong. This girl is definitely the queen bee even in elementary. I know I have issues around the envy. I think I grew up feeling like an outsider (we moved all the time as a kid) and it has stuck with me. I'm projecting a lot onto this family and I know it. I am working on it. Part of me just wants to move to get away from it, which I know sounds very drastic.
Anonymous
08/28/2020 10:44
Subject: I want to move due to resentment of neighbors and DH thinks I'm being crazy.
Anonymous wrote:Until you deal with your issues, there will be issues with another family in your new neighborhood.
You also need to help your daughter build up some self esteem. She shouldn't be running over there every time she's invited. Teach her to stand up for herself "No Molly. I don't want to come over. You always invite someone else and then you both ignore me. It's mean and I dont want to hang out with you anymore" Obviously that needs a lot of work.
The best thing you can do right now is teach your DD to grow a backbone. Otherwise the jealousy and approval monster is going to eat her up, just like it did to you.
+1
There will always always, always be someone prettier, richer, smarter, whatever than you OP. The sooner you grow up, the sooner your DD will learn how to handle what life throws at her.
We have a neighbor (resident mean girl) just like you, and believe me, the jealousy is palpable - in fact, my prior sentence applies to her perfectly.
Anonymous
08/28/2020 09:17
Subject: I want to move due to resentment of neighbors and DH thinks I'm being crazy.
Anonymous wrote:Well, maybe you’re not religious, but when I’m envious of someone, I pray for them. Pray that they are blessed with peace, success, happiness. I think then it helps to start to Delight in their successes instead of feeling bitter.
And this is why people know that religious people are hypocritical and evil. This is such a nasty thing to do and it speaks volumes of your sarcasm and ill will towards others.
Anonymous
08/28/2020 08:57
Subject: I want to move due to resentment of neighbors and DH thinks I'm being crazy.
Well, maybe you’re not religious, but when I’m envious of someone, I pray for them. Pray that they are blessed with peace, success, happiness. I think then it helps to start to Delight in their successes instead of feeling bitter.
Anonymous
08/28/2020 08:21
Subject: I want to move due to resentment of neighbors and DH thinks I'm being crazy.
Do you have them over for drinks? For dinner? Afternoon BBQ?
Anonymous
08/28/2020 08:19
Subject: I want to move due to resentment of neighbors and DH thinks I'm being crazy.
Also OP, same poster, you should think about how you sweeten the pot for the parents. Do you offer to have their kid over? With and without her mother there? Do you act thankful, warm, inviting? A lot of parents look at families like whats in it for them to a degree. Can they rely on you, as a neighbor, in an emergency?
Anonymous
08/28/2020 08:16
Subject: Re:I want to move due to resentment of neighbors and DH thinks I'm being crazy.
Anonymous wrote:OP here - therapist suggests I befriend them to "humanize" them instead of idolizing from a distance, but it hasn't worked. They have their own friends in our town and have accepted our invites, and then gone off somewhere afterward. It felt stilted and unnatural.
I think your relationship status with the parents, the idolizing, the anxiety, could be very similar to your daughter's experience. Is it possible that rather than a frenemy relationship, the neighbor girl is trying to be inclusive with your daughter and had best of intentions, but that neighbor girl is simply not your daughter's BFF, and neighbor girl is closer with her other playmate? Or, like you said, your daughter is just shy in person, including during a group playdate?
Regardless of moving, I would fix the narrative your daughter might be hearing at home. I would tell your daughter that the neighbor girl wants to be inclusive because you are neighbors, and that is a nice thing to include people. And it is perfectly normal to not be BFF with your neighbor. Who is best friends with an immediate neighbor? That is so rare. And that is ok.
Unless I am missing something intentionally nasty neighbor girl is doing.
Anonymous
08/28/2020 08:14
Subject: I want to move due to resentment of neighbors and DH thinks I'm being crazy.
So everytime you run into some envy or trouble you are supposed to move? Sounds like anxiety on steroids.