If this were me I would divorce without question, but respectfully and stay friends. It is the “perfect” reason to divorce. You could even live together for sometime as a separated couple since the underlying reason is not abuse or profound personality incompatibility. When older your children will easily accept this reason. Don’t waste your life OP on someone who doesn’t love you and desire you. He is using you for security and a front.

Oh, OP, I'm so sorry and I can empathize. My totally 100% straight DH (seriously, zero gaydar pings) of 22 years gave me an STD, and then he admitted to meeting up with other "straight" married men from Craigslist for oral. He was also diagnosed around the same time with Bipolar II, so I spent some time thinking the gay sex was not his choice but the result of him being out of his mind (hypomanic) and considering whether I could stay. But ultimately I am totally turned off by his attraction to men (which he still ardently denies) and can't get past the betrayal and danger he put me in, so we are in the process of divorcing. No kids thankfully, but he's been my partner and best friend since high school.

He makes it sound like there are just tons and tons of straight married men online who are just looking to get off by any means possible and that it doesn't say anything about their sexuality. I truly don't know what conclusions to draw about his sexuality, but I do now know that there is unlimited opportunity for men to experiment sexually with other men.

Also, I confided in a friend, who then told me her ex bf "dabbled" with men as well, and she insisted it becomes an addiction for some men. They have this internal compulsion to explore that side, and there's so much easy sex available that, once the floodgates open, it's hard to stop.

Your situation is different, and I'm speaking with my own biases of course, but I strongly echo the PPs who advised you to get tested, to not trust him fully, and to accept that what you've found could just be the tip of the iceberg. It's terribly painful (I'm the OP of the thread months ago saying i'd rather be widowed), so I wish you luck.

Anonymous wrote:Could it be, even remotely possible that he is seeing another woman & bought this underwear for her??

And instead of getting caught >>> he concocted this story as an excuse??

Because I would think you would of had a gut feeling beforehand....

OP here, no the underwear was definitely his and not another woman's. Part of me wonders though if he is really being completely honest regarding his sexuality. He told me is turned on by women way more than men but I have no idea if he is just saying that so I don't worry. He has always had a lower sex drive and I've wondered many times if he is really that sexually turned on by me. Even if I wear something sexy like lingerie, it does not seem to illicit much of a reaction out of him. My fear is that his sexual interests skew more towards men but he's afraid to admit it or doesn't know because he has never experienced it.

Could it be, even remotely possible that he is seeing another woman & bought this underwear for her??

And instead of getting caught >>> he concocted this story as an excuse??

Because I would think you would of had a gut feeling beforehand....

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps you would like a 3 way? Might spice things up a bit for both of you. You get twice the attention and he gets a man to play with. Give it a try.

I vote for OP transitioning to a man. Coolest fam on the block!

Anonymous wrote:My big issue would be the secrecy. He SAYS he has this whole side of his identity and sexuality that doesn’t really impact anything day-to-day because he’s not interested in transitioning and he has been and plans to be monogamous. But he is only telling you any of this because he got caught. So obviously keeping this a secret is more important than having an open and trusting relationship. That is a choice he has already demonstrably made. So who knows how far this goes or how honest he is really being now.

1) Get yourself tested for STDs
2) Insist on using condoms
3) Individual therapy
4) Couple’s therapy

This.
The couples I know with this or coming out of the closet waited until their youngest kid was almost done in college, then announced and filed for divorce. You caught him before that or before he met someone.

I think it was very wrong of him not to disclose any of this prior to marriage. It's one thing if the spouse knew what she was signing up for going into the marriage but an entirely different thing to find out after several years of marriage. Now the spouse has no choice but to be ok with the situation or possibly make the difficult decision to leave, which is especially difficult once kids are involved.

Didn't Bruce Jenner say the same thing when Kris found his stash? Even worse, he picked a K name💃

Anonymous wrote:He sleeps with men. Start planning for the end. Be nice, but this is not for you.

That, or he's lying, and he sleeps with lots of women and collects their panties as trophies. He may wear the trophies, but he probably didn't buy them. Have you seen receipts or evidence of it in your bank accounts?

I disagree with a lot of these posts. I’d want to talk about it more deeply, probably in therapy, but I also think it’s not as unusual as everyone here thinks for gender to be fluid and for middle aged “straight” people who were never given an easy opportunity to explore their sexuality in their youth, due to the more narrow norms of the time, to realize an attraction to the same sex. That doesn’t mean they’ve acted on it.

He sleeps with men. Start planning for the end. Be nice, but this is not for you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It wouldnt be for me. I'm certainly woke enough, I just want my own bedroom to be one really manly man and then me. (female) Im traditional.

This is what makes it hard for trans people to date. Transphobia

And men who won’t date fat women? Are they fatphobic? Women who won’t date men who are unemployed and living in their parent’s basements? Are they incelphobic? Do people have a right to sex and dating, regardless of how attractive or not they are?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How large is the underwear? Maybe this guy is an amazing liar and the underwear is his female affair partner's.

+1
don't just buy his story. he's a liar so you don't know how big the lie is or if he's still lying

True

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It wouldnt be for me. I'm certainly woke enough, I just want my own bedroom to be one really manly man and then me. (female) Im traditional.

This is what makes it hard for trans people to date. Transphobia

well, too bad. if people have the right to decide they want to transition from being a woman to being a man or vv, then other people have the right to decide they only want to date men who were born and fully identify as male.

How old are you guys and do you have kids?