Anonymous wrote:Women didn't want to be married in the first place. They just wanted babies. Once they get those, they don't need the marriage anymore

^ this

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a very common time for men to cheat. Often but not always, couples completely neglect their intimate life and after years of it, men start thinking with their little brains.

No: that is a false/misleading depiction. The WIFE/MOM neglects their intimate life.

Huh? No lots of men don’t want to have sex either. Dh couldn’t get over pregnant me. He just couldn’t have sex with me (and no, It wasn’t due to weight gain). And then after birth he just was tired. It’s better now though.

Anonymous wrote:I was slammed into a door repeatedly in front of our child. Most women I know that left with young kids were abused mentally or physically. Had nothing to do with the kids.

Sorry you had to go through that PP. But I agree I think there are higher rates of abuse in “early” divorces.

I think it’s usually the combo of an emotionally stunted needy partner who is needing constant attention and love (and sex) and then you add to that mix the demands of a baby/toddler.

There are many reasons, op, some of which you’ve already been given.

Often it’s two things in my oppinion, either one or both halves of the couple engage in behavior that is untennable to their partner, or the marriage isn’t prioritized.

We talk a lot about supporting our friends (you were told to “be there” and “listen” to your friend, and in all these pages, nobody has told you “go to your husband, hug him and tell him you love him”.

Think about that. Your marriage needs care too, and if it doesn’t get it, there is no desire to stay together.

Add to this, it wasn’t too long ago that people died early and young. Many people went onto remarry. I think there is something in our DNA that makes us fall in love again.

It’s no surprise that if one partner is gone in all but name, the brain, heart and body think “next”.

This trait may not be appropriate in today’s society, but neither is all the salt we eat (salt is of course essential to life) and nobody views eating too much salt as much of a problem. P

I also think that many people don’t have the skills to be in a relationship. I truly think that “marriage and family” should be a school class, teach the laws, teach the expectations, teach budgetting, teach what you do with kids on a rainy day, all sorts of things.

There seems to be a lot of “hang onto your life and take turns” and if you don’t parent together, it’s real easy to decide you’d rather parent with someone else.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think people divorce at one of three times generally.

1) Early on, year one or two, maybe they have a baby or a toddler but they realize quickly they made the wrong decision and pivot

2) The 7 year people. Been together awhile, young kids, not connecting with each other, bored. I think these people should sometimes push through but I'd never tell them that.

3) The 20/25 year people who pushed past 7 and stuck it out till their kids were grown but don't like each other anymore.

You are missing the:

4) Happy marriages that became too kid-focused (years 14-25 mid-life crisis spurred on by boredom and unaddressed childhood trauma rearing it's head) and less-invested spouse usually--looks outside the marriage for an exciting mid-life fling. If there is genuine love and strong base--with therapy and lots of individual and couples counseling--these can go on to be very fulfilling and happy marriages without splitting the home and different Holidays, etc.

thanks both OP here, i like that list

When you are in it, it feels like your life is ruined. Kids are so hard. SO hard. If people had the patience to wait it out, things could get better. Or they might not.

But when you are in it, it feels like they will be little forever.

Anonymous wrote:I agree with all the pps. Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors. People are very different than their public persona. I’ve been shocked at some of the people I learned were serial cheaters or abusers. You often don’t know. People suffer in silence much of the time.

People suffer in silence because they were over-invested in pretending they had the perfect marriage and partner. Its hard to admit to friends and family you were just lying for 5-10 years about everything.

Anonymous wrote:I think people divorce at one of three times generally.

1) Early on, year one or two, maybe they have a baby or a toddler but they realize quickly they made the wrong decision and pivot

2) The 7 year people. Been together awhile, young kids, not connecting with each other, bored. I think these people should sometimes push through but I'd never tell them that.

3) The 20/25 year people who pushed past 7 and stuck it out till their kids were grown but don't like each other anymore.

You are missing the:

4) Happy marriages that became too kid-focused (years 14-25 mid-life crisis spurred on by boredom and unaddressed childhood trauma rearing it's head) and less-invested spouse usually--looks outside the marriage for an exciting mid-life fling. If there is genuine love and strong base--with therapy and lots of individual and couples counseling--these can go on to be very fulfilling and happy marriages without splitting the home and different Holidays, etc.

I think people divorce at one of three times generally.

1) Early on, year one or two, maybe they have a baby or a toddler but they realize quickly they made the wrong decision and pivot

2) The 7 year people. Been together awhile, young kids, not connecting with each other, bored. I think these people should sometimes push through but I'd never tell them that.

3) The 20/25 year people who pushed past 7 and stuck it out till their kids were grown but don't like each other anymore.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a very common time for men to cheat. Often but not always, couples completely neglect their intimate life and after years of it, men start thinking with their little brains.

Did you notice thus is about kids under 3? So 1-2 years of marriage only. That’s very early to lose the thrill. And he’s an a@@hole if he can’t understand the recovery after pregnancy (no sex 6-8 weeks and complications).

You do know not everyone pops out kids the second they get married?

NP +1

The first PP seems to think that people meet someone random, accidentally get pregnant, and then marry the person while pregnant the day before they pop out the baby.

Some of us are together and even married for several (or even many) years before we think we have a good choice of partner for creating a family.

I wrote that and we got married at 28 and had our first kid 7 years later (by choice waiting; pregnant on first try twice 35, 37).

My experience was that almost everyone we knew (and know) got married after 30 and started trying to have a baby immediately. Many had no time to adjust to marriage before they were brand new parents. That is A LOT of transition all at once.

People in their early/mid 30s are used to having years of freedom, worrying only about themselves---and then marriage and baby right away is too much for a lot of people, especially men to handle.

We got married when I was 26 and we waited almost five years before we had our first baby. That period of time really gave us the opportunity to be a couple for a long time before we became parents. We had three kids in four years and it was a crazy time but we were ready for it.

That's not a hard fast rule. My XW and I were married about 7 years before we had 2 kids in 3 years. She cheated and "fell in love".

Yes.

First 2 years, 7 years and then the middle age years/empty nest are most common for divorce---and hand-in-hand with that is infidelity.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a very common time for men to cheat. Often but not always, couples completely neglect their intimate life and after years of it, men start thinking with their little brains.

Did you notice thus is about kids under 3? So 1-2 years of marriage only. That’s very early to lose the thrill. And he’s an a@@hole if he can’t understand the recovery after pregnancy (no sex 6-8 weeks and complications).

You do know not everyone pops out kids the second they get married?

NP +1

The first PP seems to think that people meet someone random, accidentally get pregnant, and then marry the person while pregnant the day before they pop out the baby.

Some of us are together and even married for several (or even many) years before we think we have a good choice of partner for creating a family.

I wrote that and we got married at 28 and had our first kid 7 years later (by choice waiting; pregnant on first try twice 35, 37).

My experience was that almost everyone we knew (and know) got married after 30 and started trying to have a baby immediately. Many had no time to adjust to marriage before they were brand new parents. That is A LOT of transition all at once.

People in their early/mid 30s are used to having years of freedom, worrying only about themselves---and then marriage and baby right away is too much for a lot of people, especially men to handle.

We got married when I was 26 and we waited almost five years before we had our first baby. That period of time really gave us the opportunity to be a couple for a long time before we became parents. We had three kids in four years and it was a crazy time but we were ready for it.

That's not a hard fast rule. My XW and I were married about 7 years before we had 2 kids in 3 years. She cheated and "fell in love".

Anonymous wrote:Women get hormone problem and depression

It's a perfect storm. Add that to the fact that DH probably feels like he is last on the list.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a very common time for men to cheat. Often but not always, couples completely neglect their intimate life and after years of it, men start thinking with their little brains.

Did you notice thus is about kids under 3? So 1-2 years of marriage only. That’s very early to lose the thrill. And he’s an a@@hole if he can’t understand the recovery after pregnancy (no sex 6-8 weeks and complications).

You do know not everyone pops out kids the second they get married?

NP +1

The first PP seems to think that people meet someone random, accidentally get pregnant, and then marry the person while pregnant the day before they pop out the baby.

Some of us are together and even married for several (or even many) years before we think we have a good choice of partner for creating a family.

I wrote that and we got married at 28 and had our first kid 7 years later (by choice waiting; pregnant on first try twice 35, 37).

My experience was that almost everyone we knew (and know) got married after 30 and started trying to have a baby immediately. Many had no time to adjust to marriage before they were brand new parents. That is A LOT of transition all at once.

People in their early/mid 30s are used to having years of freedom, worrying only about themselves---and then marriage and baby right away is too much for a lot of people, especially men to handle.

We got married when I was 26 and we waited almost five years before we had our first baby. That period of time really gave us the opportunity to be a couple for a long time before we became parents. We had three kids in four years and it was a crazy time but we were ready for it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a very common time for men to cheat. Often but not always, couples completely neglect their intimate life and after years of it, men start thinking with their little brains.

Did you notice thus is about kids under 3? So 1-2 years of marriage only. That’s very early to lose the thrill. And he’s an a@@hole if he can’t understand the recovery after pregnancy (no sex 6-8 weeks and complications).

You do know not everyone pops out kids the second they get married?

NP +1

The first PP seems to think that people meet someone random, accidentally get pregnant, and then marry the person while pregnant the day before they pop out the baby.

Some of us are together and even married for several (or even many) years before we think we have a good choice of partner for creating a family.

I wrote that and we got married at 28 and had our first kid 7 years later (by choice waiting; pregnant on first try twice 35, 37).

My experience was that almost everyone we knew (and know) got married after 30 and started trying to have a baby immediately. Many had no time to adjust to marriage before they were brand new parents. That is A LOT of transition all at once.

People in their early/mid 30s are used to having years of freedom, worrying only about themselves---and then marriage and baby right away is too much for a lot of people, especially men to handle.