Anonymous
Post 08/23/2020 16:49     Subject: Re:Being An Older FTM
Who bashes older mothers? I would have made the worst parent at 22. Had my kids in my late 30s. Didn't get tied down to one of the morons I dated in my early 20s and actually had some money so DH and I could support kids. Yeah, I'm tired but I would have been tired 10-15 years ago as well for other reasons.
Anonymous
Post 08/22/2020 12:26     Subject: Being An Older FTM
Had my kids at 45 and 46 and thank the gifted doctors and medical science that made it possible for my DH and I to have our beautiful, healthy children. It is exhausting, but I seriously can't imagine life without them. Families are families no matter how you get there.
Anonymous
Post 08/22/2020 03:18     Subject: Re:Being An Older FTM
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Do not worry OP, just enjoy your pregnancy and babies.

I find that in real life other moms don't care/don't ask my age. I was a younger mom at 22, but my son's 18 now (still happily married BTW, so lets squash that nonsense). My aunt is 20 years older than me and we had babies at the same time. If anything, it really bridged the gap in our relationship. She and I are closer than she and my dad. We are in the same stage of life, and can relate to each other's parenting challenges. She is more a peer to me than my parents, and that's okay.

Similarly, my close friend, who is also 40 just had a baby. I don't see her as an older FTM. Just a mom, with a newborn, while I'm a mom with teens. It's really not a big deal anywhere than on DCUM where some people feel insecure in their choices. Finally, most of the time being a first time mom is a product of circumstances and luck. I met my spouse early, some meet their later. It's the luck of the draw.



This is such a lovely post.

I’ll add that sometimes when we express gratitude about how things worked out for us (“I’m a far better mom at 41 than I would have been in my 20s” - which is a nice sentiment! It’s great to know yourself!) well, if not veryyy precisely worded it often reads like an indictment of younger parenthood. Your personal pro/con list sort of invites people to share their own thought processes, and sometimes those really sting (“I have a dream career and funds for infinite night nurses” and “I want to be an active and healthy grandparent” can strike at our deepest insecurities).

Maybe it simply irks people because we all love to optimize, but my two cents is that fertility at any age is nothing to take for granted, and every single age has pros and cons (even if you have charmingly convinced yourself that you timed it perfectly! Trust me, whatever your age is, there’s a very real drawback or two).


Really nice PP post and lovely response. Thanks for this, DCUM being kind, reasonable, smart, and compassionate.
Anonymous
Post 08/22/2020 03:11     Subject: Re:Being An Older FTM
Anonymous wrote:Do not worry OP, just enjoy your pregnancy and babies.

I find that in real life other moms don't care/don't ask my age. I was a younger mom at 22, but my son's 18 now (still happily married BTW, so lets squash that nonsense). My aunt is 20 years older than me and we had babies at the same time. If anything, it really bridged the gap in our relationship. She and I are closer than she and my dad. We are in the same stage of life, and can relate to each other's parenting challenges. She is more a peer to me than my parents, and that's okay.

Similarly, my close friend, who is also 40 just had a baby. I don't see her as an older FTM. Just a mom, with a newborn, while I'm a mom with teens. It's really not a big deal anywhere than on DCUM where some people feel insecure in their choices. Finally, most of the time being a first time mom is a product of circumstances and luck. I met my spouse early, some meet their later. It's the luck of the draw.


This is a very kind and reasonable post. Thanks, PP. There is so much handwringing out there about women "delaying childbirth" and all the supposed reasons for that. Honestly? If you're a smart and educated woman with multiple life goals? This can be dumb luck. Some women are lucky to find "their guy" and future dad early. Others are not, or need to take a few spins around the block to be sure. There is nothing wrong with either.

I echo the other PPs that this is nothing in DC. You are more the norm than not. And PP,, so right about you both just being moms. I think this friendship sounds fun! Your kids are older so maybe you're into those baby snuggles?!
Anonymous
Post 08/21/2020 21:29     Subject: Re:Being An Older FTM
Anonymous wrote:Do not worry OP, just enjoy your pregnancy and babies.

I find that in real life other moms don't care/don't ask my age. I was a younger mom at 22, but my son's 18 now (still happily married BTW, so lets squash that nonsense). My aunt is 20 years older than me and we had babies at the same time. If anything, it really bridged the gap in our relationship. She and I are closer than she and my dad. We are in the same stage of life, and can relate to each other's parenting challenges. She is more a peer to me than my parents, and that's okay.

Similarly, my close friend, who is also 40 just had a baby. I don't see her as an older FTM. Just a mom, with a newborn, while I'm a mom with teens. It's really not a big deal anywhere than on DCUM where some people feel insecure in their choices. Finally, most of the time being a first time mom is a product of circumstances and luck. I met my spouse early, some meet their later. It's the luck of the draw.



This is such a lovely post.

I’ll add that sometimes when we express gratitude about how things worked out for us (“I’m a far better mom at 41 than I would have been in my 20s” - which is a nice sentiment! It’s great to know yourself!) well, if not veryyy precisely worded it often reads like an indictment of younger parenthood. Your personal pro/con list sort of invites people to share their own thought processes, and sometimes those really sting (“I have a dream career and funds for infinite night nurses” and “I want to be an active and healthy grandparent” can strike at our deepest insecurities).

Maybe it simply irks people because we all love to optimize, but my two cents is that fertility at any age is nothing to take for granted, and every single age has pros and cons (even if you have charmingly convinced yourself that you timed it perfectly! Trust me, whatever your age is, there’s a very real drawback or two).
Anonymous
Post 08/21/2020 21:09     Subject: Being An Older FTM
Do I feel that way? No. Pregnant at 37. Most of my friends don’t have kids yet. They are freezing their eggs, etc. I’m the young mom who can’t go out and party at 38. When I go out of town, people my age have high schoolers. DC is an odd little bubble.
Anonymous
Post 08/21/2020 19:27     Subject: Being An Older FTM
Where are you seeing this, and do you respect the people saying it? To be honest, I'd judge a 22 yr old cranking out a baby WAY more than I'd judge a 38 yr old. I wouldn't judge you at all.

Have confidence in your decisions and refuse to be defensive about it. "I did what was best for me and my family, with my doctor's support. I won't discuss it further with you." Shut that shit down.
Anonymous
Post 08/21/2020 19:26     Subject: Being An Older FTM
Anonymous wrote:For those that had kids- are your kids on the spectrum? Does everyone have a night nurse and nanny? I can’t see it for myself. I had my son at 33 and yes I am tired and look it. Are you all getting mommy makeovers afterwards? My teeth shifted so I have Invisalign due to being pregnant. I can’t do it so I’m curious how anyone else turned out besides ‘feeling you g’.


- Not on the spectrum (as far as one can tell at 3.5)
- I did not get a night nurse because I waited for my children so long that I wanted to experience every moment of it. (Yes, I know that that was crazy.)
- No makeovers (yet), but I am still loosing my pregnancy weight 3.5 years later
Anonymous
Post 08/21/2020 19:22     Subject: Re:Being An Older FTM
Hi OP, Congratulations! I had my twins when I was 41 and I am loving being a mother. For the sake of my children, I wish I were younger, but that was not in the cards for me. Enjoy your pregnancy and don't worry about what others think. There are pros and cons to any age, but you managed to meet the right person, build a successful career, and get pregnant! Good job!
Anonymous
Post 08/21/2020 18:37     Subject: Being An Older FTM
OP ya gonna need to toughen up now. This is a wimpy thing to be worried about. Once baby is here, life gets a lot harder, and the judgement gets a lot louder about how you parent. Grow a backbone and by some earplugs now.
Anonymous
Post 08/21/2020 18:26     Subject: Re:Being An Older FTM
I had an oops baby at 42 when my older two were 10 and 12. I did a lot of hand wringing when I had to tell my husband and once the stunned look left his face he just smiled and said something about people will now know we are still having sex. Being an older new mom was tiring but a real joy for all of us. Our two older ones were thrilled to have a baby around and we loved feeling young again. The only downside is we will be 60 when we become empty nesters and we will be paying for college until we are almost 65. But we will manage! My little one is now 4 and I can’t imagine life without him.
Anonymous
Post 08/21/2020 18:22     Subject: Being An Older FTM
Anonymous wrote:For those that had kids- are your kids on the spectrum? Does everyone have a night nurse and nanny? I can’t see it for myself. I had my son at 33 and yes I am tired and look it. Are you all getting mommy makeovers afterwards? My teeth shifted so I have Invisalign due to being pregnant. I can’t do it so I’m curious how anyone else turned out besides ‘feeling you g’.


No my kids are not on the spectrum. I had them at 36 and 39.
No I did not have a night nurse or nanny. (Unless you count nannyshares where we went to another home.)
No mommy makeover. I did not have any stretch marks or sagging and weighed the same before baby 1 and baby 2 and now. I try to work out every day or two.
No teeth shifting but I have worn a night retainer ever since I had braces.
I feel fine. I have a really good flexible mommy track job so that helps. I also have been blessed with no real health problems and a husband who is very involved.

Anonymous
Post 08/21/2020 17:59     Subject: Re:Being An Older FTM
And no, they are not on the spectrum
Anonymous
Post 08/21/2020 17:59     Subject: Being An Older FTM
Anonymous wrote:For those that had kids- are your kids on the spectrum? Does everyone have a night nurse and nanny? I can’t see it for myself. I had my son at 33 and yes I am tired and look it. Are you all getting mommy makeovers afterwards? My teeth shifted so I have Invisalign due to being pregnant. I can’t do it so I’m curious how anyone else turned out besides ‘feeling you g’.


Uh, I had kids at 31, 35, and 39 (teen and adults now) and I certainly didn’t get a night nurse, nanny, or mommy makeovers. We are dcum LMC (but actually UMC). No judgement but I don’t go to spas, manicures, etc. I’m very happy.
Anonymous
Post 08/21/2020 17:55     Subject: Being An Older FTM
For those that had kids- are your kids on the spectrum? Does everyone have a night nurse and nanny? I can’t see it for myself. I had my son at 33 and yes I am tired and look it. Are you all getting mommy makeovers afterwards? My teeth shifted so I have Invisalign due to being pregnant. I can’t do it so I’m curious how anyone else turned out besides ‘feeling you g’.