Anonymous
Post 08/17/2020 11:57     Subject: If you have two boys, 2 years apart, when did life feel manageable?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sadly, it's fairly common for special needs parents to be separated and for one to be the only caregiver. Hence why books that have actually dealt with such families like Autistic Logistics wisely suggest tactics that don't require input.

I actually do have a supportive husband and even so I find he just cannot help in the beginning. Once I have.the system working he does help keep it going. I've seen this dynamic go both ways.


Is this OP?

If so, why can't you tell your husband what to do on weekends so you can get some time alone, even for just an hour to shower and watch a TV show or something?


Op here. That wasn’t me.
Anonymous
Post 08/17/2020 11:02     Subject: If you have two boys, 2 years apart, when did life feel manageable?
Anonymous wrote:Sadly, it's fairly common for special needs parents to be separated and for one to be the only caregiver. Hence why books that have actually dealt with such families like Autistic Logistics wisely suggest tactics that don't require input.

I actually do have a supportive husband and even so I find he just cannot help in the beginning. Once I have.the system working he does help keep it going. I've seen this dynamic go both ways.


Is this OP?

If so, why can't you tell your husband what to do on weekends so you can get some time alone, even for just an hour to shower and watch a TV show or something?
Anonymous
Post 08/17/2020 10:44     Subject: Re:If you have two boys, 2 years apart, when did life feel manageable?
Anonymous wrote:I don't think anyone's brought it up... but how's your nanny? I find it incredibly inflexible that she you said she only works 8am-5pm and not a minute more. How does she do with your kids? Is your house in an acceptable condition during the week? Do you have cameras to know what she does/how she copes with your younger child?

If she's good, then you could observe some strategies. Ideally, she's be willing to stay an extra 15 minutes (paid) and talk with you about it.


The nanny already works 45 hours a week...it's not fair to expect her to want to do more time if she has a life of her own.
Anonymous
Post 08/17/2020 10:42     Subject: Re:If you have two boys, 2 years apart, when did life feel manageable?
I don't think anyone's brought it up... but how's your nanny? I find it incredibly inflexible that she you said she only works 8am-5pm and not a minute more. How does she do with your kids? Is your house in an acceptable condition during the week? Do you have cameras to know what she does/how she copes with your younger child?

If she's good, then you could observe some strategies. Ideally, she's be willing to stay an extra 15 minutes (paid) and talk with you about it.
Anonymous
Post 08/17/2020 09:51     Subject: If you have two boys, 2 years apart, when did life feel manageable?
Sadly, it's fairly common for special needs parents to be separated and for one to be the only caregiver. Hence why books that have actually dealt with such families like Autistic Logistics wisely suggest tactics that don't require input.

I actually do have a supportive husband and even so I find he just cannot help in the beginning. Once I have.the system working he does help keep it going. I've seen this dynamic go both ways.
Anonymous
Post 08/17/2020 09:04     Subject: If you have two boys, 2 years apart, when did life feel manageable?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure the answer to this, but can you shower and brush your hair during your lunch hour while the nanny is there? Saturday and Sunday might be a miserable mess, but you’d have time to “yourself” 5 days per week.


Op here. I am able to get a little time a couple days of the week but not everyday. Our nanny works 8-5 and not a minute more, which is unfortunately exactly the hours I need to be present at work. I usually have to work through lunch but sometimes manage to take a shower or do some laundry or hit the grocery store.


Does your husband/partner ever have the kids so you can have a break?


No.


Was that OP who responded no? Why doesn't your husband ever have the kids?
Anonymous
Post 08/16/2020 23:03     Subject: If you have two boys, 2 years apart, when did life feel manageable?
At 3 and 5 my life got easier with my boys. The 3 year old was out of diapers, they could eat independently, they could watch a 30 minute show on tv while I showered. We could go on walks while I walked they were on balance bikes. I took them to a high school track that was enclosed and they ran 100 yards and back a few times to burn off energy. I put bean bags that they would have to pick up and race back. The 3 year old got a head start. My sister had a trampoline and they would jump and jump.. The key was to have them burn off energy.
Anonymous
Post 08/16/2020 22:54     Subject: Re:If you have two boys, 2 years apart, when did life feel manageable?
My first two children are boys that are 22 months apart. It was very hard but I remember at 2 and 4 things got manageable enough that I wanted to try for another baby. Our third baby was a girl and I finally understood why my friends with baby girls seemed so much less exhausted and stressed. Boys are physically demanding and require a ton of gross motor play that needs endless supervision so they don’t injure each other.
Anonymous
Post 08/16/2020 22:43     Subject: If you have two boys, 2 years apart, when did life feel manageable?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You don't have to asnwer but what are your younger child's special needs? That's going to impact the answer to this question. Will they make it harder for DS 1 to play with him and include him in the same activities in the future?


Op here. The full scope isn’t really clear yet. He has a genetic disorder. It might look similar to autism. He has delays in language, motor, etc.

But the issues are he has zero fear, is very large and strong (the size of an average 3.5 year old but with the mind of an 11-16 month old). He cries a lot and is hard to soothe. He’s very determined.

Example: in the course of 2-3 minutes yesterday he:

Opened, climbed into dish washer and retrieved a knife and was carrying it around and would run away when we tried to take it from him
Reached up onto kitchen counter, got my phone, and put it in the toilet
Somehow grabbed a glass and threw it on the tile floor, where it shattered
Swallowed a penny

DS1 didn’t do anything like this


This is very much like the description of my now 16 year old with moderate to severe ADHD.

Life will never be easy but you will learn how to function in this new normal. Do not bother comparing to what Susie down the street can do with her two kids while you couldn’t even dream of it with yours. It’s just not the same and never will be. Most people won’t understand but you will grow tough skin.

My teen is a good kid with extreme impulse control issues and has and will always be the fearless dare devil. It’s who he is and I’ve had to learn to accept that but damn it took a long time.

Love him, grow your patience and have faith in your parenting skills. He will turn out alright and you will grow into a better version of yourself.

Anonymous
Post 08/16/2020 22:32     Subject: If you have two boys, 2 years apart, when did life feel manageable?
Anonymous wrote:There's having two kids two years apart, then there's having them at young ages in a pandemic, then there's having them in a pandemic when one has special needs. You are going through a lot!


This! Mine (boy and girl, however) are now 7 and 5 and things are way more manageable even though they are crazy together. Things started to feel better when youngest was 3 and have gotten easier each year subsequently. 7 and 5 is a lot of fun.
Anonymous
Post 08/16/2020 18:53     Subject: Re:If you have two boys, 2 years apart, when did life feel manageable?
Anonymous wrote:I found it to be infinitely easier when the boys were 4 and 6. We got pregnant and I had a baby when the boys were 5 and 7.

Where is your husband on the weekends?

My kids went to daycare when the kids were your ages. Weekends were our family time. We would go to farms, zoo, museums, etc. you could do any of those right now. We have not been but the air and space Museum Is open and easy to social distance.


Op here. I love these ideas but we don’t live in DC and where we are it’s 115 degrees right now and everything is shut down (even playgrounds).
Anonymous
Post 08/16/2020 18:52     Subject: If you have two boys, 2 years apart, when did life feel manageable?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure the answer to this, but can you shower and brush your hair during your lunch hour while the nanny is there? Saturday and Sunday might be a miserable mess, but you’d have time to “yourself” 5 days per week.


Op here. I am able to get a little time a couple days of the week but not everyday. Our nanny works 8-5 and not a minute more, which is unfortunately exactly the hours I need to be present at work. I usually have to work through lunch but sometimes manage to take a shower or do some laundry or hit the grocery store.


Does your husband/partner ever have the kids so you can have a break?


No.
Anonymous
Post 08/16/2020 18:11     Subject: If you have two boys, 2 years apart, when did life feel manageable?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure the answer to this, but can you shower and brush your hair during your lunch hour while the nanny is there? Saturday and Sunday might be a miserable mess, but you’d have time to “yourself” 5 days per week.


Op here. I am able to get a little time a couple days of the week but not everyday. Our nanny works 8-5 and not a minute more, which is unfortunately exactly the hours I need to be present at work. I usually have to work through lunch but sometimes manage to take a shower or do some laundry or hit the grocery store.


Does your husband/partner ever have the kids so you can have a break?
Anonymous
Post 08/16/2020 18:11     Subject: If you have two boys, 2 years apart, when did life feel manageable?
Anonymous wrote:This is probably not what you want to hear but we are not totally there yet and my kids are 9 and almost 7. Of course they’re mostly independent but they have SO MUCH ENERGY. They are best buddies and that is great but they need to be run like puppies.


My best friend's two boys are 22 months apart and I'd say she thought it was easy once the youngest one was done napping, so around ages 4 and 6, because then they were truly on the same schedule. They still have a ton of energy, but they will play sports together outside or ride bikes or play inside and they don't need her to participate, so I'd say that's easy even though they're not sitting docilely by her side.
Anonymous
Post 08/16/2020 18:09     Subject: Re:If you have two boys, 2 years apart, when did life feel manageable?
I found it to be infinitely easier when the boys were 4 and 6. We got pregnant and I had a baby when the boys were 5 and 7.

Where is your husband on the weekends?

My kids went to daycare when the kids were your ages. Weekends were our family time. We would go to farms, zoo, museums, etc. you could do any of those right now. We have not been but the air and space Museum Is open and easy to social distance.