Anonymous
Post 07/31/2020 22:26     Subject: What reasons WOULD you decide to leave/divorce over
DH and I are each divorced before. We’d leave each other for abuse, addiction, or ongoing adultery for sure. Beyond that, it’s hard to say. If I found out he slept with another woman once more than 6 months ago, I think I’d try to save the marriage.
Anonymous
Post 07/31/2020 22:23     Subject: What reasons WOULD you decide to leave/divorce over
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Here are the reasons I left (I am a woman):

1. Disrespect
2. Not being consulted or considered in major life decisions
3. Emotional abuse
4. No love or affection and sexlessness for YEARS (most of the marriage)

Another reason to go is mental illness (not my issue but that is a reason to leave)

I personally think the things I mentioned are worse than cheating. If it was just cheating, I could stay. But not the four items I mentioned--those are divorce worthy, especially combined.


Get back to me after you discover your spouse is having an affair. Reality is much different than conceptually. It is total devastation and causes PTSD that can last for years in betrayed spouse.


+100

You will feel much differently when it’s a reality.



Wrong. I am divorced. And I told him he could cheat and I would not divorce for that reason in year #2 but I would divorce for other reasons. There are many things worse than cheating. Go back and read my list.


I agree with you, PP. The four items are far worse than my spouse having sex with someone else. That is normal but selfish behavior. The other 4 are cruelty to me.

Granted, I know there are some people on here who see affairs as a the same as a captured and tortured soldier returning from war with PTSD. I am not discounting their experience but I don't think that is common. No doubt affairs suck though.
Anonymous
Post 07/31/2020 20:02     Subject: Re:What reasons WOULD you decide to leave/divorce over
Anonymous wrote:I had a perfect marriage. Sexy husband who screwed me 3-4 times per week. No fights. Great friends. He was a good father and we went out and had fun all of the time together. He surprised me throughout our 22 year marriage—-surprise trips, dinners —and the guy did laundry and didn’t mind cleaning. He coached the kids’ sports teams. He was a good father.

He had an affair years 19-22.

Devastating. Even more so because I was completely blind sided. F@cked me up.

I don’t know who would ever say “hey I don’t mind if you cheat on me”. That’s insane. That’s not even an open marriage where you know.

Honesty. Trust. Without those: deal breaker


I would take your great marriage years 1-18 with 3 years of cheating any day of the week. At least you did not waste a decade of your life in misery because of a quasi-forced accidental pregnancy and “trying to make it work.”

Get over it. You had a great marriage. Either forgive him and get it back or get over it.
Anonymous
Post 07/31/2020 19:57     Subject: Re:What reasons WOULD you decide to leave/divorce over
I had a perfect marriage. Sexy husband who screwed me 3-4 times per week. No fights. Great friends. He was a good father and we went out and had fun all of the time together. He surprised me throughout our 22 year marriage—-surprise trips, dinners —and the guy did laundry and didn’t mind cleaning. He coached the kids’ sports teams. He was a good father.

He had an affair years 19-22.

Devastating. Even more so because I was completely blind sided. F@cked me up.

I don’t know who would ever say “hey I don’t mind if you cheat on me”. That’s insane. That’s not even an open marriage where you know.

Honesty. Trust. Without those: deal breaker
Anonymous
Post 07/31/2020 19:53     Subject: Re:What reasons WOULD you decide to leave/divorce over
Anonymous wrote:^ wtf you told him he could cheat in year two and then he did start cheating and stopped f@cking you. Hence, the sexless marriage.

See a therapist. You don’t value yourself and you got what you asked for—somebody that treated you with disrespect all across the board.

Hey- honey go cheat it’s fine with me...in year TWO?!?!!


Wrong again. Low Testosterone. There was no cheating. The marriage was a mistake to begin with and was never happy.
Anonymous
Post 07/31/2020 19:52     Subject: Re:What reasons WOULD you decide to leave/divorce over
^ wtf you told him he could cheat in year two and then he did start cheating and stopped f@cking you. Hence, the sexless marriage.

See a therapist. You don’t value yourself and you got what you asked for—somebody that treated you with disrespect all across the board.

Hey- honey go cheat it’s fine with me...in year TWO?!?!!
Anonymous
Post 07/31/2020 19:49     Subject: What reasons WOULD you decide to leave/divorce over
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Here are the reasons I left (I am a woman):

1. Disrespect
2. Not being consulted or considered in major life decisions
3. Emotional abuse
4. No love or affection and sexlessness for YEARS (most of the marriage)

Another reason to go is mental illness (not my issue but that is a reason to leave)

I personally think the things I mentioned are worse than cheating. If it was just cheating, I could stay. But not the four items I mentioned--those are divorce worthy, especially combined.


Get back to me after you discover your spouse is having an affair. Reality is much different than conceptually. It is total devastation and causes PTSD that can last for years in betrayed spouse.


+100

You will feel much differently when it’s a reality.



Wrong. I am divorced. And I told him he could cheat and I would not divorce for that reason in year #2 but I would divorce for other reasons. There are many things worse than cheating. Go back and read my list.
Anonymous
Post 07/31/2020 16:53     Subject: What reasons WOULD you decide to leave/divorce over
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Here are the reasons I left (I am a woman):

1. Disrespect
2. Not being consulted or considered in major life decisions
3. Emotional abuse
4. No love or affection and sexlessness for YEARS (most of the marriage)

Another reason to go is mental illness (not my issue but that is a reason to leave)

I personally think the things I mentioned are worse than cheating. If it was just cheating, I could stay. But not the four items I mentioned--those are divorce worthy, especially combined.


Get back to me after you discover your spouse is having an affair. Reality is much different than conceptually. It is total devastation and causes PTSD that can last for years in betrayed spouse.


+100

You will feel much differently when it’s a reality.

Anonymous
Post 07/31/2020 16:33     Subject: Re:What reasons WOULD you decide to leave/divorce over
Aspergers which equals abadonment.
Anonymous
Post 07/31/2020 15:27     Subject: What reasons WOULD you decide to leave/divorce over
Anonymous wrote:Op marriages go through slumps. I remember going through one a couple of years back where I really thought DH had grown apart and there was nothing left between us. I remember for the first time understanding why people divorced for simply growing apart. Life is not meant to be endured, you should be striving to enjoy it.

However DH and I got through that patch and are now really happy and in sync again. So if it's been 2 years or less I would be having a serious conversation with your DH.

Is he stressed? What is making him angry, anxious? Perhaps he needs this holiday as life has gotten monotonous and he just needs a break. I mean the time it took to ask him to press start on the dishwasher you probably could have just quickly pressed it and run out. It's time to look at your own behaviours and really think about whether some things are annoying. Talk about it with him.

However if this did continue then no why should you spend the rest of your life with someone who living with stresses you out. If you can't come back or resolve it then no I wouldn't want to in a marriage where you are both strangers. You don't need to sacrifice your life for that, the kids will learn to cope.


Same. We recently reconnected and have had sex 6 times in the last 3 days. We are wrapped in each others arms again. We were lost and not connecting and I felt like we were on a thin thread for 4 years prior (have been together 24 years). I can’t believe the 180. DH has confronted a lot of childhood issues in therapy and group.
Anonymous
Post 07/31/2020 15:24     Subject: What reasons WOULD you decide to leave/divorce over
Anonymous wrote:Here are the reasons I left (I am a woman):

1. Disrespect
2. Not being consulted or considered in major life decisions
3. Emotional abuse
4. No love or affection and sexlessness for YEARS (most of the marriage)

Another reason to go is mental illness (not my issue but that is a reason to leave)

I personally think the things I mentioned are worse than cheating. If it was just cheating, I could stay. But not the four items I mentioned--those are divorce worthy, especially combined.


Get back to me after you discover your spouse is having an affair. Reality is much different than conceptually. It is total devastation and causes PTSD that can last for years in betrayed spouse.
Anonymous
Post 07/31/2020 15:22     Subject: What reasons WOULD you decide to leave/divorce over
Anonymous wrote:Mental illness.


If unwilling to be treated. Perhaps other, serious lifelong medical conditions that are disruptive to family life (again, paired with an unwillingness to participate in treatment).
Anonymous
Post 07/31/2020 15:20     Subject: Re:What reasons WOULD you decide to leave/divorce over
Anonymous wrote:Another person in a sexless marriage. Sexless, not loveless. But it's hard to tell the difference

Debating between leaving, affair or just living with it. Agree with others, celibacy is far worse than being cheated on. I can understand being cheated on but being rejected is far more cruel.


It is literal abandonment. I left, and even not having sex and being alone didn’t leave me coping with rejection.
Anonymous
Post 07/31/2020 15:17     Subject: What reasons WOULD you decide to leave/divorce over
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Too bad Op, you get through this. You don't wreak your kid's lives over this. Not during covid. Not ever, but chances are things will improve post pandemic.


I never understand these marriage martyrs.


Bible thumpers


On DCUM? Get real!


No, they’re everywhere. Just isn’t worth having to argue or defend your belief and explain how you reconcile that with very liberal attitudes or political positions.
Anonymous
Post 07/31/2020 15:15     Subject: What reasons WOULD you decide to leave/divorce over
Anonymous wrote:Too obvious maybe, but couples counseling?

Bad things happen in life, maybe before you even met each other. Sometimes, love makes everything else ok. Sometimes it doesn't and then it gets really hard. Your husband is dealing with "something" OP and maybe you are too. It would be great for both of you to figure out what that something is.


The thing about counseling is that in order for it to work, both people have to try and truly commit to the work of counseling. It is rare that both people want to work on the problem. Often counseling is used as an opportunity to have someone co-sign your position, which worsens rhe problem. Other times there are just crappy counselors that give crappy advice, which makes you have a crappy outcome, and you feel affirmed that the marriage is over. Last, individual issues From childhood are deeply rooted and comfortable to most people. It is very hard for someone to risk breaking into their foundation and vulnerably reconstruct that with a partner that they already feel distrust with.

It isn’t all that easy. I’m better off, I have a better relationship post-divorce, I’ve grown. But this didn’t help my marriage because my ex was unwilling to choose to do any work.

Signed,
Someone that invest years in personal and marital counseling before I learned those lessons