Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I'll be the unicorn. Spouse had an affair after 4 years of marriage. He confessed, was remorseful, wanted to stay married. We worked through things in therapy for about a year.

That was 25 years ago. We've had a strong, happy marriage. I sincerely believe he has never cheated again.

How long was the affair?

My spouse’s was multi-year, but they didn’t see each other over the summers and 1-2 times per month the rest of the year.

Multi-year signals a strong emotional bond and even if they were not physical they were likely connecting on an emotional level particularly if it was a work affair and could use landlines to talk.

No it doesn't. it signals they got away with it for a long time and knew how to hide it better.

Plus one. I am out of a 4 year affair. It just fizzled. We aren't even in communication, went from weekly "how's it going" to monthly and now has been seven months. Sometimes, it's just sex and passion that was missing in the marriage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I'll be the unicorn. Spouse had an affair after 4 years of marriage. He confessed, was remorseful, wanted to stay married. We worked through things in therapy for about a year.

That was 25 years ago. We've had a strong, happy marriage. I sincerely believe he has never cheated again.

How long was the affair?

My spouse’s was multi-year, but they didn’t see each other over the summers and 1-2 times per month the rest of the year.

Multi-year signals a strong emotional bond and even if they were not physical they were likely connecting on an emotional level particularly if it was a work affair and could use landlines to talk.

No it doesn't. it signals they got away with it for a long time and knew how to hide it better.

Plus one. I am out of a 4 year affair. It just fizzled. We aren't even in communication, went from weekly "how's it going" to monthly and now has been seven months. Sometimes, it's just sex and passion that was missing in the marriage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I'll be the unicorn. Spouse had an affair after 4 years of marriage. He confessed, was remorseful, wanted to stay married. We worked through things in therapy for about a year.

That was 25 years ago. We've had a strong, happy marriage. I sincerely believe he has never cheated again.

How long was the affair?

My spouse’s was multi-year, but they didn’t see each other over the summers and 1-2 times per month the rest of the year.

Multi-year signals a strong emotional bond and even if they were not physical they were likely connecting on an emotional level particularly if it was a work affair and could use landlines to talk.

No it doesn't. it signals they got away with it for a long time and knew how to hide it better.

Plus one. I am out of a 4 year affair. It just fizzled. We aren't even in communication, went from weekly "how's it going" to monthly and now has been seven months. Sometimes, it's just sex and passion that was missing in the marriage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I'll be the unicorn. Spouse had an affair after 4 years of marriage. He confessed, was remorseful, wanted to stay married. We worked through things in therapy for about a year.

That was 25 years ago. We've had a strong, happy marriage. I sincerely believe he has never cheated again.

How long was the affair?

My spouse’s was multi-year, but they didn’t see each other over the summers and 1-2 times per month the rest of the year.

Multi-year signals a strong emotional bond and even if they were not physical they were likely connecting on an emotional level particularly if it was a work affair and could use landlines to talk.

No it doesn't. it signals they got away with it for a long time and knew how to hide it better.

Anonymous wrote:Once again we witness the emotional absurdity of Americans. Your spouse had an affair. They feel remorse. They chose to have children with you. They chose to share finances with you. They chose a home with you.

How addicted are Americans to the Disney fairytales that you believe one person can satisfy your every need in a marriage? Sometimes sex is just..sex. Obviously there is so emotion involved. Most people aren’t emotionless psychos.

Move on.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I'll be the unicorn. Spouse had an affair after 4 years of marriage. He confessed, was remorseful, wanted to stay married. We worked through things in therapy for about a year.

That was 25 years ago. We've had a strong, happy marriage. I sincerely believe he has never cheated again.

How long was the affair?

My spouse’s was multi-year, but they didn’t see each other over the summers and 1-2 times per month the rest of the year.

Multi-year signals a strong emotional bond and even if they were not physical they were likely connecting on an emotional level particularly if it was a work affair and could use landlines to talk.

Anonymous wrote:Yeah. As the betrayed spouse, I would not want to put in that level of work for something I did not do. No thanks. It takes 2-5 years to even remotely sort through the PTSD of being cheated on in an affair.

Not worth it when the outcome most likely be cheating down the road again or having to live a life as a detective. No thanks

Anonymous wrote:I know of two couples that recovered. One I’m 40s, others in 80s. Not sure how my sample size compares with your anecdotal evidence, and it is limited to stories I’ve been told.

What really should be a consideration for how likely success is will be found in what research says. What characteristics are displayed with couples x many years out of an affair who have recovered? I have heard stories of strangers that made it work. From what I understand about the therapy and recovery process, the marriage can be restored and yes, it can happen but it takes a lot of work, and a lot of selfless love, and a lot of patience with yourself and your spouse, and a willingness for both partners in the marriage (and sometimes the family) to sacrifice and put every ounce of hope into recovery during the most painful moment of betrayal and utter abandonment and deceit. It requires the greatest trust at the most painful moment of betrayal. Most people have not independently strengthened their heart to do that type of gritty, visceral, tumultuous work.

However, the two couples that have are wonderful people.

I hope you can get the inspiration or encouragement that you need to make the best choice for you, OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m 3 months out from discovery (24 years together). He desperately wants the marriage and doing all of the things you cited.

I know myself. I will NEVER get over it. It took place over 4 years.

I have a 12 and 14 year old. I don’t know if I can hang on until they go to college.

I’m so f-omg disgusted with him and the married woman he cheated with.

I hope they both die.

Four years! Just no. Don’t wait, walk away now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One night drunken affairs .....I have seen recovery from those but not ones over several years (make sure you get the emails/texts so you understand the level of emotional connection or deceit involved). If it truly was just a hookup once a month and no other connection beyond setting the time and place then you should be encouraged.

How are you supposed to do this when they wipe their electronic footprint clean? - not OP

If they want to reconcile he needs to disclose - there are data recovery programs for texts and they also may still be in the cloud. His email provider may also be able to restore them if he contacts them. However, if he is deleting it all I would assume the worst.

why would you want to torture yourself by reading every single note they sent to each other? If he admitted they had sex, I'm sure there were things that if you read will be super painful. Isn't the point to move forward?

To know the full extent of how deceived you can be. It helps some people heal.

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes it's just sex. watching the BBC documentaries on planet Earth, seeing how the entire animal planet males risk life and limb to mate. Isn't that surprising that men can follow this instinct, perhaps losing perspective ones over the course of a long life?

people were not made to be monogamous, that does not forgive people who make a monogamous commitment, of course they should keep it, but it's not always some massive character flaw or deep problematic issue when someone screws up once over and otherwise successful marriage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you hear yourselves? Polygraphs? GPS on cars? Y’all must be crazy probably why he cheated. SMH

So you're protecting a narcissist who is selfish dishonest and a pathological liar?