Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should listen to your gut, but you need to tell us what those red flags are. Is she anxious? Is she angry? is she selfish? is she lazy? Is she impatient? Does she hit the dog? What is it that is making you think she wouldn't be a good parent?

My issue is that she’s not very affectionate.

Not affectionate how?

She’s not the type to hug, randomly say I love you, come up and kiss me, etc.

I am not either. But I am very stable and dependable and 4 families have picked me as the guardians for the kids, so I think at least they think I am a good parent. I am not mushy. But I will always be there for my kids. Always.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should listen to your gut, but you need to tell us what those red flags are. Is she anxious? Is she angry? is she selfish? is she lazy? Is she impatient? Does she hit the dog? What is it that is making you think she wouldn't be a good parent?

My issue is that she’s not very affectionate.

Not affectionate how?

She’s not the type to hug, randomly say I love you, come up and kiss me, etc.

I am not either. But I am very stable and dependable and 4 families have picked me as the guardians for the kids, so I think at least they think I am a good parent. I am not mushy. But I will always be there for my kids. Always.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So your real issue is that you don't think she's affectionate enough with YOU.

If you're not happy with your relationship, don't make up some bullshit reason about how she's not going to be a good mother. You have zero clue whether she is or not, and she actually sounds like she'd be great. Kind, flexible, and functional is huge.

Focus on whether YOU want to be married to her. Don't deflect this onto your imaginary future kids. It's perfectly okay to break up with someone because you want more affection than you feel they offer or want to offer. Just own it and call it what it is.

+1000

I will add right now, OP you don't sound like very good dad or husband material. You have got a lot of growing up to do.

How so?

Well apparently you treated her like crap early in your relationship. And you have a little enough self-knowledge that you have taken your own desire for affection and projected it onto a hypothetical future child, and are seeing it as a defect in it your partner that she can’t meet these imagined child’s imagined needs.

Focus on being honest and communicating about your own needs. What you’re missing is that there is absolutely nothing wrong with her as you’ve described. She’s not defective in any way. She’s just different from you. If you’re not going to be happy with her as she is, there is zero reason for you to stay with her. It’s OK for you to need affection, and OK for her to not be affectionate. But it might mean that you guys are not a good match. Absolutely does not mean that she wouldn’t be a good mother, though, and taking your own needs and pretending they are universal is kind of concerning.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should listen to your gut, but you need to tell us what those red flags are. Is she anxious? Is she angry? is she selfish? is she lazy? Is she impatient? Does she hit the dog? What is it that is making you think she wouldn't be a good parent?

My issue is that she’s not very affectionate.

Not affectionate how?

She’s not the type to hug, randomly say I love you, come up and kiss me, etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you mean that you have different visions of parenting, or that she can’t manage her emotions? I flat-out wouldn’t marry someone who didn’t agree with me on at least 75% of parenting. No reason to get divorced if you can prevent a lot of conflict. But that does leave some room for disagreement on lesser points. DH grew up with fireworks on July 4, and I did not. We compromised by planning for the ones that you throw on the ground, under supervision, after they are 5. Just one example of many compromises that I wouldn’t have predicted as a single woman.

If she is emotionally unhealthy, it will never work until you give her the space to work on herself.

But how can you know someone will agree with you on75% of parenting until you actually have a kid. People talk a lot of shit before becoming parents, but a lot changes when it's actually happening.

I would be concerned about someone who is so in love with a philosophy they can't be flexible to change to parent the child they have.


I totally agree about someone who is emotionally unhealthy, but that begs the question how emotionally healthy can OP be if he stayed in a relationship with someone emotionally unhealthy for 2 years?

You know because you read DCUM and talk about what you would do or think about all of the unusual disagreements people have.