Anonymous
06/10/2020 17:06
Subject: Re:DH says really mean things to me sometimes....how would you react?
He sounds Aspie or autistic.
Anonymous
06/10/2020 16:58
Subject: DH says really mean things to me sometimes....how would you react?
At some level, it doesn't matter whether you overreacted. He sounds completely clueless at best, and not everyone can deal with a partner *that* clueless. Especially if you only have one child, leave now, and be happy for you and your kid.
I'd still seek individual therapy for you, but you don't have to live your life feeling constantly picked to death. My DH can be overly nitpicky sometimes, but he knows it, and he knows when to shut up. If his reaction were persistently defensive, we wouldn't still be together.
I'd still seek individual therapy for you, but you don't have to live your life feeling constantly picked to death. My DH can be overly nitpicky sometimes, but he knows it, and he knows when to shut up. If his reaction were persistently defensive, we wouldn't still be together.
Anonymous
06/10/2020 16:50
Subject: DH says really mean things to me sometimes....how would you react?
Your husband hates women. I would GTFO.
Anonymous
06/10/2020 16:06
Subject: DH says really mean things to me sometimes....how would you react?
Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't be bothered by 3 & 4 - seems like normal reactions -- of course you're going to smell different at different times of the month and, of course, you're going to have bad breath at sometimes. If your husband can't say as much, then who can?
2 just sounds thoughtless.
I'd have problems with 1 and 5, but not divorce level problems.
In a vacuum, none of these are divorce-worthy. But if he's constantly like this and these are just examples of daily life with him, I don't think I could handle it. I would feel like I was walking on eggshells.
Anonymous
06/10/2020 16:03
Subject: DH says really mean things to me sometimes....how would you react?
I wouldn't be bothered by 3 & 4 - seems like normal reactions -- of course you're going to smell different at different times of the month and, of course, you're going to have bad breath at sometimes. If your husband can't say as much, then who can?
2 just sounds thoughtless.
I'd have problems with 1 and 5, but not divorce level problems.
2 just sounds thoughtless.
I'd have problems with 1 and 5, but not divorce level problems.
Anonymous
06/10/2020 16:00
Subject: DH says really mean things to me sometimes....how would you react?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:1 & 2 are not cool
3 normal, my DH says the same.
4 & 5 you’re way to sensitive
+1
There must be other issues, yes?
If this is his normal behavior throughout the years, I can't even imagine how detrimental to one's self esteem it is to have your flaws pointed out to you on a regular basis. Your spouse is supposed to be on your team, a source of support, your cheerleader, not your own personal source of criticism and negativity. I'm guessing whatever happened to ask for the divorce must have been the straw that broke the camel's back.
This is true. PP who thought OP was being a bit sensitive, but putting myself on her shoes, this would really undermine my self-esteem. My DH would never speak to me in this manner.
This kind of hypercritical behavior undermines more than just her self esteem, it undermines their bond as a couple. I am fully comfortable with hearing "babe, you need a breath mint" from my husband, BUT it's because normally he is very complimentary of me and lifts me up when I get down on myself (and I try to do the same). I don't think anyone can blame her for feeling like she would be better off without him if there's a steady stream of overall negativity. They aren't a team - he criticizes her when they're alone and calls her out in front of friends too. If he wants to save the marriage, he should agree to counseling, both individual and couples.
Anonymous
06/10/2020 15:35
Subject: DH says really mean things to me sometimes....how would you react?
Anonymous wrote:Separating is the right move. I was with someone who made comments like that, and damn I’m glad I’m not still with him. My life is so much happier without him, and my fiancé would NEVER say those things to me.
He will not change.
The begging you to stay is him protecting himself image and ego. He cares about that more than you.
People like him should not get custody, that said, get out no matter what and get the kids therapy later if he’s Fing with their heads.
Anonymous
06/10/2020 15:31
Subject: Re:DH says really mean things to me sometimes....how would you react?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:sounds like he is nitpicking at everything about you and that would get very old. Have you told him in the past how his comments come across as mean, but he continues to do it? I don't blame you OP and wouldn't be able to deal with that forever myself.
+1 Was he always like this? If not, sounds like there might be an underlying issue. When I am unhappy with DH I find myself nitpicking him and find everything he does and says annoying.
No. Recently diagnosed with depression, anxiety, dependent and avoidant personality disorder.
How’d did he decide to get a DX? Is he denying it all now?
Anonymous
06/10/2020 15:29
Subject: DH says really mean things to me sometimes....how would you react?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he has resentment built up to me and it's manifesting this way.
Those are not things you should say to someone you love and want to live with. Good for OP on separating. You both need counseling unless you just decide to divorce. There is at least a 3 year old, so I would try working on this.[/quote
OP here- yes, we have a 3.5 and 2 year old. As much as I don’t want to hurt them this is not the relationship I want them to have for themselves.
DH has a history of childhood trauma. I didn’t realize how much it would begin to bleed into our marriage. He wasn’t always like this.
So sorry to hear this but with a past like that now manifesting itself badly today when he has a wife, house and kids and is overwhelmed and as @$$, get out sooner not later.
Anonymous
06/10/2020 15:20
Subject: DH says really mean things to me sometimes....how would you react?
Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't want to live with him.
+1. This sounds like lack of empathy, self centered ness, poor communication in his part and won’t change, esp if due to being on autism spectrum.
Can he connect with you, his kid or his parents much at all? Like really listen, connect and respond? Or just lecture mode or rude comments?
Anonymous
06/10/2020 15:05
Subject: DH says really mean things to me sometimes....how would you react?
Anonymous wrote:Your husband sounds like a regular guy. Sometimes we just don’t get it. I told my wife once that her breath smelled and now she isn’t crazy about kissing because she’s afraid her breath will smell.
Tonsillectomy for throat stones. Nothing else works.
Anonymous
06/10/2020 15:04
Subject: Re:DH says really mean things to me sometimes....how would you react?
He has aspergrers s
Anonymous
06/10/2020 14:51
Subject: DH says really mean things to me sometimes....how would you react?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:1 & 2 are not cool
3 normal, my DH says the same.
4 & 5 you’re way to sensitive
+1
There must be other issues, yes?
If this is his normal behavior throughout the years, I can't even imagine how detrimental to one's self esteem it is to have your flaws pointed out to you on a regular basis. Your spouse is supposed to be on your team, a source of support, your cheerleader, not your own personal source of criticism and negativity. I'm guessing whatever happened to ask for the divorce must have been the straw that broke the camel's back.
This is true. PP who thought OP was being a bit sensitive, but putting myself on her shoes, this would really undermine my self-esteem. My DH would never speak to me in this manner.
Anonymous
06/10/2020 14:45
Subject: DH says really mean things to me sometimes....how would you react?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:1 & 2 are not cool
3 normal, my DH says the same.
4 & 5 you’re way to sensitive
+1
There must be other issues, yes?
If this is his normal behavior throughout the years, I can't even imagine how detrimental to one's self esteem it is to have your flaws pointed out to you on a regular basis. Your spouse is supposed to be on your team, a source of support, your cheerleader, not your own personal source of criticism and negativity. I'm guessing whatever happened to ask for the divorce must have been the straw that broke the camel's back.
Anonymous
06/10/2020 14:45
Subject: DH says really mean things to me sometimes....how would you react?
He sounds oblivious. Tell him “ that’s a hurtful remark”.