Anonymous
Post 06/02/2020 12:35     Subject: DW cosleeping with DS.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Is this a cultural or nursing issue?


Yes. Crunchy upper middle class liberal mom culture.


Nope. The range of women in my groups that are pro-co sleeping is astounding. older moms, young moms, mid 30s moms, rich, poor, white, black, Asian, Hispanic, extended breastfeeding, not extended breastfeeding, in the US, international, etc. Maybe they all are liberal but we don't discuss politics. That could be the thread that binds us.


These are the only two criteria you list that PP identified. You list a whole bunch of other criteria that PP didn't mention.

In other words, you agree with PP because you've failed to refute his/her statement.
Anonymous
Post 06/02/2020 12:28     Subject: DW cosleeping with DS.
Wait, what are you doing in the hour or two you have between putting the kid down and your wife goes to bed?

Your post makes no sense. It sounds like you do have time together.
Anonymous
Post 06/02/2020 12:25     Subject: DW cosleeping with DS.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Is this a cultural or nursing issue?


Yes. Crunchy upper middle class liberal mom culture.


Nope. The range of women in my groups that are pro-co sleeping is astounding. older moms, young moms, mid 30s moms, rich, poor, white, black, Asian, Hispanic, extended breastfeeding, not extended breastfeeding, in the US, international, etc. Maybe they all are liberal but we don't discuss politics. That could be the thread that binds us.
Anonymous
Post 06/02/2020 11:52     Subject: DW cosleeping with DS.
OP, if you want another baby I have news for you. The co-sleeping might get worse.

We put DS1 in his own room at about 1yr. He was a terrible sleeper and would wake up super early. We were all exhausted. With DS2, it was purely divide and conquer, survival mode from the get go. My H dealt with DS1's wake ups, while I co-slept with DS2 in a separate room. It was the best way for us to maximize sleep and we are not alone in this practice. DS2 ended up co-sleeping with me for 3 years.

In the meantime, we find ways to be intimate, but at the end of the night, sleep, however we get it, is the top priority. And it does not mean your marriage is doomed. I view the first 2-3 years of our children's lives as do anything to survive. You'll get through it.
Anonymous
Post 06/02/2020 11:28     Subject: DW cosleeping with DS.
Anonymous wrote:This is SO temporary. Why don’t you let DW cosleep with DS in YOUR room together. This is what DH and I did. And it is soooo boring to think you can only have baby #2 (and lots of fun!) in the bedroom at night. We coslept for 24 months for each kid and had 3 kids. Now our youngest is 10 and our oldest is 14. It’s over. That was 6 cherished years of our lives but it’s a blink and gone. It’s so stereotypical to think that DH can’t be nurturing to the son with what your child needs. Children are supposed to be nursed for 24 months. It’s fine if that’s not what DW wanted with her body but if it is what she wants, why are we fighting her? Feminism means letting women be full moms, too, not just be baby making machines that go back to work and the bedroom.

I did it all - cloth diapers, growing and making (and freezing) by own baby food. I fully experienced motherhood and it was AWESOME. And so when I went back to work (big law with on-ramp), I could guiltlessly succeed there (no, you cannot be a hands on mommy and a lawyer) because my husband supported me at home and I knew my kids got those 10 years (my youngest got 6) of me being at home. Do not push your wife away. Embrace her or you’ll lose her. She is right here - this is what real feminism looks like.


This is the most hilarious attempt at a mommy war troll I've ever read. OP said nothing about feminism, breastfeeding, or baby food, his wife works outside the home already, and this clown comes in to take up DW's side by ... calling her a terrible mom and saying that OP's wife would agree because it's the feminist POV.
Anonymous
Post 06/02/2020 11:23     Subject: DW cosleeping with DS.
This is SO temporary. Why don’t you let DW cosleep with DS in YOUR room together. This is what DH and I did. And it is soooo boring to think you can only have baby #2 (and lots of fun!) in the bedroom at night. We coslept for 24 months for each kid and had 3 kids. Now our youngest is 10 and our oldest is 14. It’s over. That was 6 cherished years of our lives but it’s a blink and gone. It’s so stereotypical to think that DH can’t be nurturing to the son with what your child needs. Children are supposed to be nursed for 24 months. It’s fine if that’s not what DW wanted with her body but if it is what she wants, why are we fighting her? Feminism means letting women be full moms, too, not just be baby making machines that go back to work and the bedroom.

I did it all - cloth diapers, growing and making (and freezing) by own baby food. I fully experienced motherhood and it was AWESOME. And so when I went back to work (big law with on-ramp), I could guiltlessly succeed there (no, you cannot be a hands on mommy and a lawyer) because my husband supported me at home and I knew my kids got those 10 years (my youngest got 6) of me being at home. Do not push your wife away. Embrace her or you’ll lose her. She is right here - this is what real feminism looks like.
Anonymous
Post 06/02/2020 11:19     Subject: Re:DW cosleeping with DS.
Anonymous wrote:
Thank you! I'm the PP. I find it frustrating that this thread has turned into a debate on the merits of co-sleeping (I'm a BabyWise mom, so you know where I stand!) when that's not relevant - the issue is that this man and his wife are on completely different pages, and he needs to become a partner in choosing their parenting path, whatever it may be. If they were both on board with cosleeping and attachment parenting, then great for them! The disconnect is the problem.


Grenade thrown! Well played, troll, well played.


I'm the PP (and the one who wrote that post with the four points) and I assure you, I am not a troll. My point stands - the merits of any particular parenting philosophy aren't relevant here. The issues is the disconnect. I wouldn't be doing BabyWise if my husband wasn't on board. Whether or not the people on this forum are on board (I know they're not!) is not relevant! But if this dad wants to get involved in these decisions (and he should!) he needs to do some research and think through what he wants. The other poster is right - if he's just thinking with his d*ck, that's not good enough.
Anonymous
Post 06/02/2020 11:12     Subject: Re:DW cosleeping with DS.
Thank you! I'm the PP. I find it frustrating that this thread has turned into a debate on the merits of co-sleeping (I'm a BabyWise mom, so you know where I stand!) when that's not relevant - the issue is that this man and his wife are on completely different pages, and he needs to become a partner in choosing their parenting path, whatever it may be. If they were both on board with cosleeping and attachment parenting, then great for them! The disconnect is the problem.


Grenade thrown! Well played, troll, well played.
Anonymous
Post 06/02/2020 11:10     Subject: DW cosleeping with DS.
Anonymous wrote:Is this a cultural or nursing issue?


Yes. Crunchy upper middle class liberal mom culture.
Anonymous
Post 06/02/2020 11:06     Subject: Re:DW cosleeping with DS.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:1) There is no "ONE night." That's not how kids work.

2) Do some research. You're starting to feel like this might not be the best parenting philosphy/system (not sure what the right term is) for your family. That's a very reasonable hesitation. Well, what do you think would work better? Start with google. Talk to some friends who you think might have some wisdom on this. Read some books on other philosophies. See if anything resonates. Your wife doesn't just get to dictate how you two will parent. But you also don't just get to step in and veto. If not this, then what? It's not your wife's job to come up with an alternative - you present one. Or a few options.

3) You need to stop with "playing along." That is not a marriage. You need to start being open with your wife that you have doubts about this parenting philosophy/system, and express those doubts. Then listen to her - what does she like about attachment parenting and/or cosleeping? Why is this the way she wants to go? Talk to her about some other options (per #2) that you think might be a better fit. Listen to her concerns. If you are willing to do your part and you both can communicate well, I bet you can find a path that will work for your family.

4) Once you agree on the path for your family, assuming it's different from where you are now (who knows? with research and discussion you might come to agree with her, though it's unlikely to be exactly where you are now) you both work TOGETHER to start moving towards what you want. You gotta do your half of the planning and the implementation.

I do agree with previous posters that you are on a very bad path right now, but you're only 13 months in to this parenting thing - totally understandable, and plenty of time for a course correction.


+1 This is the best post.

OP you need to understand that if you have a baby-wearing, co-sleeping mom for a wife, she's 1) done research into this and has reasons for it, and 2) likely is part of online communities for support and encouragement to keep it up when things get hard. Coming in and saying that she needs to stop and be a *healthier parent*, with no real foundation other than "I miss sex in bed at night," is picking a fight with no ammo. You need to have your own parenting philosophy that is more than just your d*ck is sad that things changed.

Your best angles are 1) you want another baby and the idea of 4 of you in bed is not something you're interested in (also SUPER dangerous for a newborn), and 2) you want your relationship with DS to be just as strong as DW's is. You are going to need to take the lead on sleep training, which FYI suuuuucks but is necessary to get over this hump.


Thank you! I'm the PP. I find it frustrating that this thread has turned into a debate on the merits of co-sleeping (I'm a BabyWise mom, so you know where I stand!) when that's not relevant - the issue is that this man and his wife are on completely different pages, and he needs to become a partner in choosing their parenting path, whatever it may be. If they were both on board with cosleeping and attachment parenting, then great for them! The disconnect is the problem.
Anonymous
Post 06/02/2020 11:02     Subject: DW cosleeping with DS.
OP, you have two HOURS together after your child goes to bed, before your wife does. That’s not enough time to be intimate? Sorry, but “missing evenings together” is part of what you signed up for, being a parent to a young child.

Your children are your family now too, and your wife is more than a sex toy there to please you. Stop competing for attention Like your child is the enemy, and join in the family that you created.
Anonymous
Post 06/02/2020 10:26     Subject: DW cosleeping with DS.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:She’s out of control and the marriage is headed on fast track to splitsville. Ultimatum her back into her senses. No more co sleeping. Sex twice per week. These are your non-negotiable requirements. In 10 years she will thank you for being the adult.


Yes, good luck with that. You can ultimatum her right to the divorce lawyer’s office, if that’s what you want. I can’t imagine many women — or, you know, human beings — who would respond to an ultimatum like that with anything other than “f**k you”.


+1. We would be getting a divorce IMMEDIATELY. Men need to grow up. Babies need their mothers. Men don't need to be babied. They are adults. Men--if you don't want babies, don't get women pregnant!. Grow up.
Anonymous
Post 06/02/2020 10:25     Subject: DW cosleeping with DS.
Anonymous wrote:My BIL is engaged to a woman who has a 5 year old from a previous relationship. She sleeps with her daughter every night and they aren’t even married yet. Recipe for disaster.


This is just not true. You can have an active sex life and not sleep in the same bed.
Anonymous
Post 06/02/2020 09:25     Subject: Re:DW cosleeping with DS.
Anonymous wrote:
Ive coslept with my kid since 4 months when we moved him out of the RnP. He had horrible reflux that exacerbated a breathing issue. We moved him to his own bed for naps at 16/17 months and then naps and bed at 20months. Less than a month into that, a family member had to move in unexpectedly for 6 months, we moved into a bigger house and took a month to get used to the new house before we started transitioning into him sleeping in his room again. He is 28 months. Don't listen to the horror stories from peoples anecdotal experiences 2nd and 3rd hand.

Have you had a discussion with her regarding WHY she believes in co sleeping? I mean, what is the problem? You get 1-2 hours after bedtime, you get sex regularly (but in the shower?). she works FT, and is caring, involved mother.

Can you ask yourself how things would change (in your mind) if she stops co sleeping? What is the difference? You get tucked into bed vs your kid- I say that tongue in cheek but you need to make sure that if you are asking her how to change this big part of your sons routine that you aren't imagining some outlandish expectations for your evenings together. In addition, as a working FT mother- co sleeping is a way I can connect with my kid during the 10-12 hours I am away. and vice versa. At 28 months, he now babbles about his day in the dark and we talk about the next day (what going to happen). He will hold my hand as he falls asleep or ask for cuddles. I wouldn't change it for the world and my DH doesn't begrudge me because he gets time to read the news and watch Bill Maher- something I wouldn't do with him if I wasn't putting our son to bed.


What OP described is not healthy for any marriage, and neither is this. You sound defensive with an excuse for everything and it sounds like you are worried your DH may have similar concerns to OP.


If you ever said this to my face after I explained my experience(s) to another individual, I would think you are an evil, haughty person who has reading and listening comprehension issues.

Nothing about my post above is an excuse. It is an example of a family that has made co sleeping not be into 10/12 years old and that my DH gets his alone time while I put our son to sleep. We TRANSITIONED our son to his own bed at a year and half after FT co sleeping and he still wakes some nights- that's what I was detailing above I was also asking him to really consider what not co sleeping would really change about their marriage and evenings. Bc if it doesn't change those then it isn't worth asking for it to stop just because some people on the internet think its weird or he misses snuggling at night. He can still do that and it seems like he still does.

Anonymous
Post 06/02/2020 09:12     Subject: DW cosleeping with DS.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:She’s out of control and the marriage is headed on fast track to splitsville. Ultimatum her back into her senses. No more co sleeping. Sex twice per week. These are your non-negotiable requirements. In 10 years she will thank you for being the adult.


Yes, good luck with that. You can ultimatum her right to the divorce lawyer’s office, if that’s what you want. I can’t imagine many women — or, you know, human beings — who would respond to an ultimatum like that with anything other than “f**k you”.


Well, if he's not getting any because she's always in bed with DC, he's got nothing to lose.


Yes, if he considers what he has now “nothing” then he won’t mind getting his ass dumped. Also we know nothing about frequency of their sex life. It is actually possible to have sex times and places other than at night in the marital bed. Also, the man doesn’t have to be on top. Crazy!

But you go on with your weird obsession with how often other couples have sex.