Anonymous wrote:Real issue is you cannot afford it and you need to tell them that.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all of the replies, thoughts, ideas, and opinions.

Specially thanks to PP's who stated that BIL is a jerk. Yes he is. He told us if we did not contribute, he would pull ALL of his financial support and try to find her a medicare facility. We love her and did not want to have her life uprooted. We decided to contribute to keep the peace. She loves/loved her new life there.

Then covid hit. Then my husband took a 20% pay cut.

But I guess we are on the hook and we will just have to keep contributing every month. Does seem like too much money but not much we can do about that now. I just feel bad for her being stuck alone in her apartment going on months now.

Our retirement is on track. We have about $800K in 401Ks. DH is lucky to be in a fully funded pension plan and we expect about $7.5K a month. We are hopeful to inherit another $1M from my father who is also 93 but don't want to count on that as his in-home elder care is also expensive.

We are thinking of reducing contribution to our 401Ks. I just think I am feeling unsure about the future due to covid as are many.

DH and I are in our early 60s. Fortunately we only have one child which allowed us to save a lot.

Anyway, thanks again. And to the PP who doubted my figures, I posted an explanation on Page 2 I think. I wish my math was wrong!

Anonymous wrote:

So her monthly expenses add up to about $9K a month.

Her 'rent' which includes food is about $6.5K

This doesn't make sense
Where is the $2,500 extra going? I don't believe your figures Op

So her monthly expenses add up to about $9K a month.

Her 'rent' which includes food is about $6.5K

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All of the retirement communities have put these measurements in place to protect their vulnerable residents. They have pretty much all suspended social activities, outings, dining room operations, most entertainment.

If your MIL is paying 9K/month for "assisted living" and the only thing that they assist her with is room service then that cost does seem really high. If she's there because she needs help with medication, dressing, bathing, etc then the 9K makes a bit more sense. If she's there because it gives you all piece of mind that she is checked on 3 times a day, that makes sense.

I think that having a vulnerable, elderly person living in your home right now would be especially difficult. I've heard some horror stories about home healthcare workers not showing up or being impossible to find. That probably isn't something that your SIL factored in when she was speaking of your MIL moving in with her. Is she willing to put her life on hold, never go on vacation and provide heavy duty physical assistance to your MIL for potentially years to come?

Personally, I don't think that I could ask a member of my family to make a sacrifice like that nor do I think it would necessarily be in the best interests of the parent. At the same time, I completely understand how paying 2K a month out of your own pocket for your MIL's care (nearly 10K total) when she's really not getting much more than room service would be hard to justify.

Caring for someone at home is really challenging in general, and even more so during this pandemic. Most of these people work other jobs, including inside healthcare facilities, so they are potentially bringing the virus with them. And right now there are many home health workers calling out sick.

My friend is caring for his mother at home. She has Alzheimer's and it has been horrible (even absent the pandemic) to coordinate her care and he has had challenges especially recently with people calling out and also with workers who can't deal with someone with dementia and call him to come home from work daily because of various emergencies.

Also, a lot of the home health workers cannot move someone who is larger by themselves; many of them are smaller women who cannot lift someone without help.

Probably when he moved her in it seemed doable but as the disease progressed it became an absolute nightmare. She's probably keeping him up all night and he's worried about her getting out of the house. I've even heard of Alzheimer's patients who haven't driven in years suddenly getting a hold of car keys and driving off....usually that does not end well.

Some of the caregivers are elderly themselves and not in the best of health. It's sad.

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like staying in place or moving to the home of the daughter willing to take care of her are the best options. If she's moves to the home, a lot of that money will be needed to prepare the home and pay for caregivers so cost may be about the same for the first couple of months and then go down. MIL would be much happier with social contact with the daughter, than no one else. And I don't think this pandemic is going to end anytime soon, so this is MILs life for the foreseeable future.

And there is no way a frail elderly person would be able to live by themselves in a regular apartment and Uber to see friends who probably won't be allowed to visit her anyhow.

As long as the daughter is willing to take this huge task on, it sounds like a good idea.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps y’all could find a less high-end facility that would work for her in the same area?

Keep this in mind for the future. I suspect facilities in Palm Desert are cheaper than Beverly Hills. She could easily live another 10 years. Many do in care facilities.
For long term moving her to a facility closer to you or closer to DD in Beverly Hills makes sense over the 2 hour drive that DD currently has.

I saw your update about you think you are going to let things rest for now. Sometimes that is the best when it comes to seniors. If they are doing okay sometimes coast where you are at makes a lot of sense.