Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry OP. No judgment here. Do what you need to to get through the day.

And have a discussion with your DH. He needs to find a way to help, even if that means he wakes up super early to work or works long after the kids are in bed. Being a lawyer and having a big case load is no excuse. He needs to mange his time better so that he can help with the kids and give you a break.

-a lawyer with a huge case load with two small kids

Op here - I think the last two weeks were just especially difficult. He was already waking up early (4:30-5am) and going to bed late (10-11pm). He had an oral argument, a deposition, a webinar and his regular work all in the span of like 10 days. I am hoping it slows down sometime soon but it seems that he is taking on more and more but others in his group aren’t/can’t. Probably because I do everything.

His colleagues “aren’t/can’t” because they recognize that this is a unique situation and, even in Biglaw, some changes/sacrifices need to be made. It is very unlikely that most of his colleagues who “can’t” have more compelling reasons than your DH.

Listen, I am realistic. He can’t stop working or dramatically reduce his hours under the present circumstances. But he can cut back some - just like his colleagues- so that he can help out more at home. Him simply throwing up his hands and saying he can’t shouldn’t cut it and is mostly just an excuse.

Anonymous wrote:So sorry OP. No judgment here. Do what you need to to get through the day.

And have a discussion with your DH. He needs to find a way to help, even if that means he wakes up super early to work or works long after the kids are in bed. Being a lawyer and having a big case load is no excuse. He needs to mange his time better so that he can help with the kids and give you a break.

-a lawyer with a huge case load with two small kids

+2

I'm also a lawyer who has been busier the last six weeks than the first two and a half months of the year. But I get up early, go to bed later, and otherwise am still available to help out around the house and with our two kids.

Anonymous wrote:I honestly don’t get how lawyers can get away with working 100 hours a week when there is no court in session.

I wonder if your dh is avoiding childcare by making it seem like he has 100 hours a week of work. If he were in the office he would have commuting time and chatting at the water cooler time. There are less people committing crimes right now, no court in session. What the heck is he doing?

He needs to help you. Even if he comes down for 30 minutes at lunch time to take over the kids so you can take a walk. If he can’t do that then there’s something wrong.

Op here - he is not doing criminal law. He does government litigation therefore is extremely busy. Protests on top of protests for government contracts. I don’t doubt he is actually busy. He is constantly writing and on calls and doing briefs and depositions. It is exhausting for him. I get it. But what I am doing is equally exhausting. It’s not the pain Olympics. It sucks for everybody. I just don’t get any sleep since I am breastfeeding a baby along with it.

Anonymous wrote:I honestly don’t get how lawyers can get away with working 100 hours a week when there is no court in session.

I wonder if your dh is avoiding childcare by making it seem like he has 100 hours a week of work. If he were in the office he would have commuting time and chatting at the water cooler time. There are less people committing crimes right now, no court in session. What the heck is he doing?

He needs to help you. Even if he comes down for 30 minutes at lunch time to take over the kids so you can take a walk. If he can’t do that then there’s something wrong.

This. There is no excuse for him to work 7 days a week. I just don’t get it. He doesn’t want to deal with you or the kids

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should move the baby in with you and give the other kids a bedroom. They’re awful because you’re forcing them to not have a second away from each other for months. You have 4 rooms, use them.

I’m a year later than you, and no way would I be forcing my kids to share a room just so the baby wasn’t with us..

Op here - the baby was in our room in a bassinet for 6 weeks. He sleeps better in his crib. Plus he is a huge baby and was out growing the bassinet.

We can’t really change the office since given the pandemic and quarantine we will be working from home for the foreseeable future.

Hold old is the baby? If older than 4 months sleep train. At least then you will be getting more sleep.

I honestly don’t get how lawyers can get away with working 100 hours a week when there is no court in session.

I wonder if your dh is avoiding childcare by making it seem like he has 100 hours a week of work. If he were in the office he would have commuting time and chatting at the water cooler time. There are less people committing crimes right now, no court in session. What the heck is he doing?

He needs to help you. Even if he comes down for 30 minutes at lunch time to take over the kids so you can take a walk. If he can’t do that then there’s something wrong.

Anonymous wrote:You should move the baby in with you and give the other kids a bedroom. They’re awful because you’re forcing them to not have a second away from each other for months. You have 4 rooms, use them.

I’m a year later than you, and no way would I be forcing my kids to share a room just so the baby wasn’t with us..

Op here - the baby was in our room in a bassinet for 6 weeks. He sleeps better in his crib. Plus he is a huge baby and was out growing the bassinet.

We can’t really change the office since given the pandemic and quarantine we will be working from home for the foreseeable future.

Here’s a plan for you OP.

Today: cheese it’s and TV. Just get through it.

Tomorrow and other weekdays: do the schedule thing and stick to it. Don’t worry about the worksheets, or high standards for other things (they can wear muddy clothes or eat pb&j every day) but having a tight schedule will both help you get through the day and give kids the structure that keeps them in line. Seriously - intent is to make this easier rather than harder. We go with 1 hour slots: wake up, chores to get ready for day (things like make your bed and set up all your stuffed animals, which I never bothered with before this Started but which fill time and give little kids a sense of accomplishment), play with toys, outdoor activity or walk, “reading” (which might be playing audio books while you let them play quietly with boys), lunch and chores, more outdoor play, rest time alone in room. I name lots of the blocks after school subjects “art, science, gym” to set an expectation that they are non-negotiable but in reality I just get them started then let activity devolve into whatever. For example, science is often just them playing in the yard after I tell them to go find a nut or seed or playing with cars and ramps. Goal is to get to 3pm with minimal screen time so at that point we can do TV and just make it to bedtime.

In general: but an end to DHs bullshit. If he’s doing work others “can’t/aren’t” he’s letting your family down. If anyone should be asking for accommodations at work right now, it’s parents of infants and preschoolers.

Next weekend: break from the schedule, cheezits and tv if necessary, and DH gives you the day fully off from the preschoolers. He can take them out of the house for a hike. You get as much sleep as you can, even if baby is on you. Actually, sleep is so key to making this endurable that I think you need to insist that he WAH at least 2 days a week and at least take the kids for lunch so you can nap.

Do the older two have scooters/bikes?

Later on when its not raining go for a walk with them, if its too much to walk them drive to a big parking lot somewhere and let them ride around for an hour while you sit in a bench.
Yes its hard, but I have found the more outside time my kids have, the better they are when we are inside. ( Plus I feel less guilt)

I have three kids — 5,2 and almost 1. My husband and I both are working (at home) full time. We have help. There is no other way to handle this. We needed help to work like this pre pandemic and we still need help now. Everyone I know who had a nanny previously is still using their nanny now. You aren’t going to survive the summer like this and I’m in biglaw, so I understand that your husband’s schedule isn’t going to change that much. Good luck!

Oh, that's just so so hard. So much sympathy for you.

Are you getting up at night for the baby in another room? Can you move your baby into your room to get more sleep? (If that is disturbing your husband's sleep, can he sleep in his office?)

And totally agree with PPs that your 3 and 5 yo don't need worksheets. TV and cheerios is FINE for them right now.

Do you have any older relatives (grandmas or grandpas) who could set up an hour a day to video-chat with the kids? They could read to them or sing songs or just virtually hang out with them? (I'm remembering a day with a 2.5 yo when I had stomach flu, and my mom was a virtual babysitter over Skype).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have to tried to hire a live in nanny? The whole point of working biglaw is to make money for help like that. Hire someone who can help! Don’t try to do it all alone!

+1.

You need help. Hire someone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry OP. No judgment here. Do what you need to to get through the day.

And have a discussion with your DH. He needs to find a way to help, even if that means he wakes up super early to work or works long after the kids are in bed. Being a lawyer and having a big case load is no excuse. He needs to mange his time better so that he can help with the kids and give you a break.

-a lawyer with a huge case load with two small kids

Op here - I think the last two weeks were just especially difficult. He was already waking up early (4:30-5am) and going to bed late (10-11pm). He had an oral argument, a deposition, a webinar and his regular work all in the span of like 10 days. I am hoping it slows down sometime soon but it seems that he is taking on more and more but others in his group aren’t/can’t. Probably because I do everything.

OP, I hear you. Some industries are very busy with work. My boyfriend's business is up 30% and he is slammed at work.

You should move the baby in with you and give the other kids a bedroom. They’re awful because you’re forcing them to not have a second away from each other for months. You have 4 rooms, use them.

I’m a year later than you, and no way would I be forcing my kids to share a room just so the baby wasn’t with us..

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry OP. No judgment here. Do what you need to to get through the day.

And have a discussion with your DH. He needs to find a way to help, even if that means he wakes up super early to work or works long after the kids are in bed. Being a lawyer and having a big case load is no excuse. He needs to mange his time better so that he can help with the kids and give you a break.

-a lawyer with a huge case load with two small kids

Op here - I think the last two weeks were just especially difficult. He was already waking up early (4:30-5am) and going to bed late (10-11pm). He had an oral argument, a deposition, a webinar and his regular work all in the span of like 10 days. I am hoping it slows down sometime soon but it seems that he is taking on more and more but others in his group aren’t/can’t. Probably because I do everything.

Why do you let him do that? Are you a SAHM? Was he this unhelpful with the first two? Just trying to decide why you would bring this on yourself?