Anonymous
Post 04/27/2020 15:03     Subject: DH talks multiple times a day to a woman he used to work with
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Man here, and his behavior strikes me as wholly inappropriate, and it seems obvious that, at a minimum, they are having an emotional affair, if not a physical affair. I know my wife wouldn’t tolerate it so why do you? You say you don’t know what to do, but it seems obvious to me, which is that you demand it stop, although there’s a real possibility they take it underground. My guess is you are hesitant to act because you fear the consequences, but at some point you’ve got to have some self-respect. This is hurting you and it’s taking time, energy, and emotional investment away from your relationship.


There is NO way a man wrote this post.


I wrote the post and I am most definitely a man.
Anonymous
Post 04/27/2020 11:59     Subject: DH talks multiple times a day to a woman he used to work with
Anonymous wrote:
But it's valid. OP's husband is having an affair. OP is letting it continue because she fears the consequences of confronting her husband and putting her foot down.


I don't think the "putting her foot down" is fair. She doesn't control what her spouse does. There's obviously a problem in the relationship. I agree OP must address it. Although it does not guarantee she'll be able to mend it. It could go either way.
Anonymous
Post 04/27/2020 11:21     Subject: DH talks multiple times a day to a woman he used to work with
Did OP ever come back? I'm thinking troll.
Anonymous
Post 04/27/2020 11:19     Subject: DH talks multiple times a day to a woman he used to work with
The only type of man who would "giggle" at inside jokes and do the "you hang up first" with a woman is a man who is either gay (flamingly so) or a man who is infatuated with the woman.
Anonymous
Post 04/27/2020 11:17     Subject: DH talks multiple times a day to a woman he used to work with
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Man here, and his behavior strikes me as wholly inappropriate, and it seems obvious that, at a minimum, they are having an emotional affair, if not a physical affair. I know my wife wouldn’t tolerate it so why do you? You say you don’t know what to do, but it seems obvious to me, which is that you demand it stop, although there’s a real possibility they take it underground. My guess is you are hesitant to act because you fear the consequences, but at some point you’ve got to have some self-respect. This is hurting you and it’s taking time, energy, and emotional investment away from your relationship.


There is NO way a man wrote this post.


But it's valid. OP's husband is having an affair. OP is letting it continue because she fears the consequences of confronting her husband and putting her foot down.
Anonymous
Post 04/27/2020 11:15     Subject: Re:DH talks multiple times a day to a woman he used to work with
OP I'd address it bluntly and as factually as possible.


"I'm concerned that you are spending so much time and energy communicating with X. This amount of interaction is inappropriate for someone who is married and reflects a lack of healthy boundaries . Furthermore, it seems that you are investing time and emotional energy into your friendship and not into our marriage. This is also how affairs, whether physical or emotional, start. I am asking you to put the brakes on here and be honest with yourself and me about what is going on."
Anonymous
Post 04/27/2020 10:19     Subject: DH talks multiple times a day to a woman he used to work with
Anonymous wrote:Man here, and his behavior strikes me as wholly inappropriate, and it seems obvious that, at a minimum, they are having an emotional affair, if not a physical affair. I know my wife wouldn’t tolerate it so why do you? You say you don’t know what to do, but it seems obvious to me, which is that you demand it stop, although there’s a real possibility they take it underground. My guess is you are hesitant to act because you fear the consequences, but at some point you’ve got to have some self-respect. This is hurting you and it’s taking time, energy, and emotional investment away from your relationship.


There is NO way a man wrote this post.
Anonymous
Post 04/27/2020 08:19     Subject: Re:DH talks multiple times a day to a woman he used to work with
Anonymous wrote: My ex did that and now hes my ex. I filed for divorce , met someone new and am waaaay better off. Its very damaging emotionally to live with that


Same. He wouldn't let this idiotic, attention starved woman go, even when she moved to LA to wait tables, I mean "make it" in acting. I left that nonsense behind for a decent man.
Anonymous
Post 04/27/2020 08:08     Subject: Re:DH talks multiple times a day to a woman he used to work with
Anonymous wrote:I've had more than one "work husband" and we never talked late at night, unless we were working on a deadline or something. Frankly, I always got plenty of them at work. The boundary crossing was always more like, I know his daughter got her period or I know it takes him 20 minutes to poop after breakfast because I was waiting in the hotel lobby and we were late to the meeting. It was never flirty - most business travel is lame. There's nothing romantic about an airport Chili's Too.

Oh, there is after a couple of Presidente margaritas!
Anonymous
Post 04/26/2020 17:40     Subject: DH talks multiple times a day to a woman he used to work with
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:He's probably justifying this emotional affair by "being open" with you about it. But it is inappropriate.

Who knows how far it is gone, but based now what you described, it's exceeded the realm of just friendship and is flirty and frequent. This is dangerous.



NP. See the bolded statement above, OP. This is what he's thinking.

Be prepared for him to try to blow this back onto you when -- not "if" but WHEN -- you talk to him like an adult and point out that this contact is inappropriate.

He's very likely to come back at you with, "But I am not hiding anything. You hear us on the phone. I don't duck out and call her, you know she's my friend and that's all. I'm open and honest. Why can't you accept that a man can have a woman friend? What is wrong with you that you are so suspicious of me when I am open about this?" And so on. He'll say he's hurt that you don't trust him because, he's open! He's angry that you suspect him because, he's right there in the house with you when they talk! And so on. Be ready for all this, OP. Think now about what you want to respond to him. I seriously would script it out in advance, how you will bring it all up, what you will say to point out the inappropriateness, how you will respond to his comments and criticisms and defenses, and finally, what you want as the next step from him.

You will have to prepare in order to stay calm and cool. If you get emotional he will turn that against you too -- accuse you of being hysterical, overreacting etc. Especially because he's not (probalby not) doing anything physical, and many people figure if the affair isn't physical, it isn't an affair.

Oh, and the "you hang up, no, YOU hang up" giggly stuff is so juvenile I can't even process it. Is he immature in other aspects of life as well? If so, and if he tends to be defensive in general -- yeah, he's going to protest hard that because he's "open" about the calls you have zero right to find them a problem. Just be ready for that.



This is all excellent advice. OP, you will know all is well if you speak to him calmly and let him know you are not OK with the amount and type of contact he's having with a woman outside the marriage, and he responds with something like "I hadn't seen that, I am so sorry, I will stop this" and then he does it.

If he accuses you of overreacting, says there's nothing between them, points out that you know about it, etc., prepare yourself as the PP says. Do not let him gaslight you. Look into how people react when they get caught cheating--it's to deflect and blame.
Anonymous
Post 04/26/2020 17:34     Subject: Re:DH talks multiple times a day to a woman he used to work with
I'm guessing that the speaking with you there just reflects his own self deception and denial/desire to rationalize it as simply a friendship. (Similar to poster who said her husband integrated AP her into family as a "friend"). It's like two parallel tracks travelling at the same time, his budding involvement with her and his relationship with you. They are kept separate even to him on some psychological level, until of course they collide. Then it is chaos and wreckage and he cries. Ask me how I know.
Anonymous
Post 04/26/2020 13:30     Subject: DH talks multiple times a day to a woman he used to work with
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Honey, ramp up your bedroom game. Stat.


This is good advice. And after you drain him, tell him his flirting with her is inappropriate. Once he realizes what he has to lose he will make the right choice


Oh right, the husband is being the a**hole and now the wife has to play the "pick me!" game. Give me a break. Don't lose your dignity like this OP.
Anonymous
Post 04/26/2020 12:32     Subject: Re:DH talks multiple times a day to a woman he used to work with
Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry but this sounds so much like my cheating ex-husband's behavior. I made the mistake of assuming that because my he was talking openly about the other woman, talking to her when I was in the room, talking about her kids, etc. etc. that he wasn't having an affair with her. I thought he wouldn't be so obvious about someone he was actually in a romantic relationship with, right? I was wrong. Please talk to your husband and find out the truth.


+1 My ex went so far as to have the OW over to our house, invite her to our child's birthday party, and basically integrate her into our day-to-day lives. It didn't seem weird, because she was single, they'd been friends before we met, and we would all three of us hang out together. Until he shtupped her while I was out of town on a business trip.
Anonymous
Post 04/26/2020 12:16     Subject: Re:DH talks multiple times a day to a woman he used to work with
I don't know any man who likes talking on the phone, multiple times?! Unless it's romantic.
Anonymous
Post 04/26/2020 10:31     Subject: Re:DH talks multiple times a day to a woman he used to work with
OP, I'm sorry but this sounds so much like my cheating ex-husband's behavior. I made the mistake of assuming that because my he was talking openly about the other woman, talking to her when I was in the room, talking about her kids, etc. etc. that he wasn't having an affair with her. I thought he wouldn't be so obvious about someone he was actually in a romantic relationship with, right? I was wrong. Please talk to your husband and find out the truth.