This is my friend’s life, but she has it pretty good because of all the parental subsidies. Her dad was a specialized highly paid doctor and they had the fancy house, new cars, nice travel. Her parents made a sizable down payment on my friend’s house, hand down their lightly used cars to my friend and her husband, pay for all the vacations with them, and will pay for college for the grandkids. My friend is a SAHM on her husband’s sub-100k salary, although in a more moderate area than here.

My husband was very LMC and lived in DC whereas I had a very UMC childhood (private school, lots of extracurriculars). I was a very overscheduled kid who did a lot of activities and had a lot of pressure to perform well and be a high achiever. My husband was a free range childhood where he had very few constraints but fewer opportunities (plus he just wasn't a joiner in middle/high school and wasn't interested in extracurriculars). He was able to start side hustle/businesses as a kid and started an internship at 14 that turned into a career. He's always been incredibly self motivated. I think our different childhood experiences give us a perspective on how to balance things

My husband and I make around 120 K and live a pretty frugal life. We don't have any debt other than the mortgage and my student loans are almost paid off. We have a 4 year old and another on the way.

I don't plan to send my kids to private school. I've dipped my toe into a few extracurriculars for my daughter but we aren't committed to anything long term because the cost is so high. (Luckily with little kids you can pay for just 6 lessons and not be obligated to continue). I want my kid to have a bat mitzvah but I need to figure out how whether it's worth it to commit all that time to religious education and commuting to Temple 2 or 3 days a week.

I think my husband and I decided we wanted to prioritize quality over quantity. We might go on one vacation a year but it will be a really great one. We try to prioritize experiences and quality time with our daughter. She has never been a very materialistic kid. She even said she wanted to have people make a donation to charity instead of getting presents from her friends on her birthday.

I grew up as lower middle class, middle class, and slightly upper middle class at various points in my life. We went to some bad public schools and still managed to get into good colleges. I did my undergrad at UC Berkeley and attained a professional degree from UCSF while my sister went to UC Davis and got her PhD at Harvard. I know for my kids I’m trying to get them into good public or charter schools, but I’m not freaking out about private school. For what it is worth, my husband makes more money than me and he just got his bachelors from Sacramento State College. There’s a lot more to succeeding in life than going to a prestigious high school and college.

Anonymous wrote:I would do some serious therapy and soul searching before having kids. I grew up LMC and can assure you life is worth living, even without horses and fancy vacations. That being said, a mentally healthy and happy parent is super important. So if you’re going to have issues, figure out how to handle that before kids.

Seriously. I grew up LMC. I am now UMC, but my kids know that money is not everything. Family, Health and Happiness are key.

I know I wasn't "invited" to post in this threat, but I have to say, your kids will likely grow up to be much more independent and better-functioning adults without all of the riches that you mention. I grew up solidly middle-class - ACTUAL middle class, like the equivalent of about $60k/yr HHI for a family of 4 today, not UMC - but I'm UC now. I have been constantly amazed since I was in college at the complete lack of basic life skills and coping mechanisms among my friends who grew up UMC and up. In college I taught half of my floor how to do laundry. After college my UC friends all relied on their parents to connect them with jobs and help them find a place to live. I saw tons of my friends get into major credit card debt in my late 20s because no one knew how to budget and they all felt like they NEEDED fancy meals out, expensive clothes, etc. Now I'm in my early 30s and have two kids and so many of my UC-raised friends are "just in awe" at "how I do it," because they can't imagine having to put in the work of caring for kids and sacrificing their bottomless brunch plans every weekend (or at least, they couldn't pre-COVID).

Not indulging your kids in constant luxury will be good for them. It forces them to have to learn how to make it on their own, because they KNOW that you can't be their parachute. Don't get me wrong, I had my share of times when I probably would have been better off with a cushion, and it was really hard to learn (and I'm still not great at) some of the skills that UC kids learn that are critical to success, like networking/social conduct at nice events. But I'd say the good outweighs the bad.

Anonymous wrote:What's it like to know you are giving your kids less?

This is the situation DH and I would be in if we had kids. DH's parents lost most of their wealth in the 08 crash and mine, who are more UMC than UC, aren't the types to give out money (which is fine, I've never asked).

But we won't be able to afford the extras we had as kids: primarily private school k-12 and 100% of private college paid for but also we won't be able to afford several vacations a year around the world, the costly extracurriculars (I grew up horseback riding with my own horse, for instance, and that's not something we ever afford to do now), etc.

We haven't been on a vacation in three years because we're saving for a down payment. Our lifestyle now is very different from how we grew up.

Dang. Not one vacation in three yeasts because you are frantically saving. Carpe diem.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I may get flamed for this, but growing up we had everything we needed and LOTS of what we wanted. Nothing like a country club membership or horses or European vacations. Frankly, it wouldn’t even cross my mind to want to give those specific things to my kids.

The best thing my parents ever did for me and my siblings was save from the second we were born to pay for college in full. State schools, but we never had to worry about loans or taking on debt. I see how much of a difference it makes to some of my peers. To this day, that is the number one thing I am most grateful for. It set me up for financial success, and that is way more important than any material thing I could have been given.

Yes, I know it’s not easy and times have changed (I’m in my early 30s). But we are adamant that we will do the same for our own kids.

Agree. Full paid tuition= yes. Horses..who the hell cares.

Most of the population doesn’t care much about horses but those people who do tend to be obsessed with horses and equestrian activities based on the people I have met!

I think this thread strikes at the heart of the fear of all the UMC parents who are pushing their kids to excel at their top rated public or private school, loading them up with all the extra curriculars, etc. so that their children can one day maintain the standard of living that they were raised with.

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, it's all about how the parents do it. My best friend grew up UMC with me, but is definitely LC now. They live on a graduate student's stipend (30k?) with their 3 kids. And they're thrilled and their children are extremely happy. They focus nearly 100% on the kids.

Don’t kid yourself, they are happy because their UMC parents are playing banker and backstop so that they can get their PhDs AND have three kids. That life is not possible without family help. No way. I saw this with my in laws. They wanted to support their daughter’s wish to have children in her thirties, but her husband had kind of a weird career trajectory and was still in grad school. So they footed a lot of bills, that no one outside of the family knew they were footing. People with rich parent (or at least parents they know would pull out every dollar to help their kids) make crazy decisions, like
Having theee kids on $30k.
I’m sure they are also making the assumption that the graduate degree will turn into a higher salary later on, which, if we are talking academia, is certainly not a guarantee.

Anonymous wrote:I may get flamed for this, but growing up we had everything we needed and LOTS of what we wanted. Nothing like a country club membership or horses or European vacations. Frankly, it wouldn’t even cross my mind to want to give those specific things to my kids.

The best thing my parents ever did for me and my siblings was save from the second we were born to pay for college in full. State schools, but we never had to worry about loans or taking on debt. I see how much of a difference it makes to some of my peers. To this day, that is the number one thing I am most grateful for. It set me up for financial success, and that is way more important than any material thing I could have been given.

Yes, I know it’s not easy and times have changed (I’m in my early 30s). But we are adamant that we will do the same for our own kids.

Agree. Full paid tuition= yes. Horses..who the hell cares.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Problem of the third generation, as brains pass through the mother. Smart ugly grandparents make it rich. Their smart & wealthy son marries pretty but average IQ girl. Third generation spends Dad's inheritance with Mom's IQ.

Most of you lamenting are third generation, with fourth generation kids. Sorry. Have your sons go for the smart girl.

Your assumptions are wildly out of date. Men used to marry their secretaries, now they marry fellow lawyers and doctors who then go on to become SAHMs. It's called assertive mating. Smart men don't chose dumb women for their (first) wives anymore.

Bingo. It’s called assortive mating and exactly what has kept DH and I in the UMC. We each had professional class parents on both sides. We both attended top schools and are a dual income big law and finance household. While we have been blessed with many advantages and made sure to maximize these opportunities, a significant portion of our success comes down to luck. In particular, not graduating into a depression or choosing specialities that haven’t blown up (yet). We each were able to spend many years building professional resumes (prior to kids) without getting derailed by the economy. Not everyone is so fortunate. In addition, there are a finite number of these types of positions and the pie is shrinking by the year. Even for those that ostensibly check every box of (relative) success, we face an uncertain future in our respective fields.

Love your post because it recognizes the luck that went into your hard work paying off.

Anonymous wrote:It’s fine. My kids are thriving and I enjoy life every day.

Only time they’ve ever been to a country club is when visiting grandparents, we go camping for vacations, and they will likely go to a state school (like their father, who is a professor).

We are just as happy a family and mine was growing up, if not more so. Honestly, the local swim club community scene is so much more nourishing than the snooty club I spent time with as a child. I would love to be able to send them to whatever college they want, and pay for weekly piano lessons for my kid who loves music, but I don’t think either of those things will preclude them from a rewarding, fruitful life.

I grew up in a family that while wealthy, emphasized that material things beyond necessities are luxuries that confer no extra meaning or real value. That attitude has served all of us well.

Your kids can get merit scholarships or take out loans to go to the private college that they want. If it was SMU vs UVA, of course I would send my kid to UVA. We would find a way if my kid wanted to go to Harvard.

Anonymous wrote:I guess I didn’t grow up UC, and probably we were actually UMC but it was the 80s/90s and my parents are savers not spenders so I didn’t feel like that growing up.

Both DH and I went to public school and our kids go to public school. I think that’s totally fine. I don’t feel bad about that at all.

My parents did pay for me to go to private college - DH went to public college. I think times are changing and grad school is the new college, and for that reason I will encourage my kids to go to state college.

I do like to travel, but my kids enjoy camping just as much as the next vacation. I would say just adjust your attitude and don’t have a chip on your shoulder and that will make all the difference. Good luck.

Being in a decent public school district is a huge privilege whether you are UC or UMC or MC.

It’s fine. My kids are thriving and I enjoy life every day.

Only time they’ve ever been to a country club is when visiting grandparents, we go camping for vacations, and they will likely go to a state school (like their father, who is a professor).

We are just as happy a family and mine was growing up, if not more so. Honestly, the local swim club community scene is so much more nourishing than the snooty club I spent time with as a child. I would love to be able to send them to whatever college they want, and pay for weekly piano lessons for my kid who loves music, but I don’t think either of those things will preclude them from a rewarding, fruitful life.

I grew up in a family that while wealthy, emphasized that material things beyond necessities are luxuries that confer no extra meaning or real value. That attitude has served all of us well.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Problem of the third generation, as brains pass through the mother. Smart ugly grandparents make it rich. Their smart & wealthy son marries pretty but average IQ girl. Third generation spends Dad's inheritance with Mom's IQ.

Most of you lamenting are third generation, with fourth generation kids. Sorry. Have your sons go for the smart girl.

Your assumptions are wildly out of date. Men used to marry their secretaries, now they marry fellow lawyers and doctors who then go on to become SAHMs. It's called assertive mating. Smart men don't chose dumb women for their (first) wives anymore.

Bingo. It’s called assortive mating and exactly what has kept DH and I in the UMC. We each had professional class parents on both sides. We both attended top schools and are a dual income big law and finance household. While we have been blessed with many advantages and made sure to maximize these opportunities, a significant portion of our success comes down to luck. In particular, not graduating into a depression or choosing specialities that haven’t blown up (yet). We each were able to spend many years building professional resumes (prior to kids) without getting derailed by the economy. Not everyone is so fortunate. In addition, there are a finite number of these types of positions and the pie is shrinking by the year. Even for those that ostensibly check every box of (relative) success, we face an uncertain future in our respective fields.