Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like sex. I will have sex. My wife has determined she no longer wants sex. Good for her. I don't accept her decision for the both of us. So I'll get sex elsewhere and there are so many people, men and women, in this situation that it's not hard to find.

As for, why don't I just divorce her, then go get the sex? That is such a naive question. There are 100s of reasons why couples stay together yet go outside of marriage for sex. Eventually, we will divorce but that doesn't work for me right now.

And no, I don't have a don't ask, don't tell agreement, or any agreement at all. While she doesn't want sex, she still expects sexual monogamy. Yes, it's an insane situation that I put up with for too long, but now longer. It's really the best situation it can be at the moment. I don't bother her for sex, or act in any way towards her that is angry or resentful. She either chooses to be totally clueless, or she really is if she thinks I just gave up on sex because she did.

If you won't give your spouse sex, don't worry about them going elsewhere for it until the time they stop bothering you about yet seem to be a bit more pleasant for unexplained reasons.

Maybe divorce would "work" for her right now, though, if she knew the truth. Why not tell her?

Anonymous wrote:I never understood cheaters and judged them harshly until I became one myself. Life is complicated. Humans are imperfect and selfish. Initiating divorce is not nearly as easy as it looks on TV.

All I can say is don’t judge until you have walked in another’s shoes. Though that will fall on deaf ears on this sanctimonious forum where no one has ever done wrong.

I’ve learned in life to never say never.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never understood cheaters and judged them harshly until I became one myself. Life is complicated. Humans are imperfect and selfish. Initiating divorce is not nearly as easy as it looks on TV.

All I can say is don’t judge until you have walked in another’s shoes. Though that will fall on deaf ears on this sanctimonious forum where no one has ever done wrong.

I’ve learned in life to never say never.

Plus one to this. I almost feel jealous of the people on here who see black and white. It must be easy to live to pure, I was once like that too.

Anonymous wrote:I never understood cheaters and judged them harshly until I became one myself. Life is complicated. Humans are imperfect and selfish. Initiating divorce is not nearly as easy as it looks on TV.

All I can say is don’t judge until you have walked in another’s shoes. Though that will fall on deaf ears on this sanctimonious forum where no one has ever done wrong.

I’ve learned in life to never say never.

Anonymous wrote:Boredom plain and simple.

Anonymous wrote:I like sex. I will have sex. My wife has determined she no longer wants sex. Good for her. I don't accept her decision for the both of us. So I'll get sex elsewhere and there are so many people, men and women, in this situation that it's not hard to find.

As for, why don't I just divorce her, then go get the sex? That is such a naive question. There are 100s of reasons why couples stay together yet go outside of marriage for sex. Eventually, we will divorce but that doesn't work for me right now.

And no, I don't have a don't ask, don't tell agreement, or any agreement at all. While she doesn't want sex, she still expects sexual monogamy. Yes, it's an insane situation that I put up with for too long, but now longer. It's really the best situation it can be at the moment. I don't bother her for sex, or act in any way towards her that is angry or resentful. She either chooses to be totally clueless, or she really is if she thinks I just gave up on sex because she did.

If you won't give your spouse sex, don't worry about them going elsewhere for it until the time they stop bothering you about yet seem to be a bit more pleasant for unexplained reasons.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like sex. I will have sex. My wife has determined she no longer wants sex. Good for her. I don't accept her decision for the both of us. So I'll get sex elsewhere and there are so many people, men and women, in this situation that it's not hard to find.

As for, why don't I just divorce her, then go get the sex? That is such a naive question. There are 100s of reasons why couples stay together yet go outside of marriage for sex. Eventually, we will divorce but that doesn't work for me right now.

And no, I don't have a don't ask, don't tell agreement, or any agreement at all. While she doesn't want sex, she still expects sexual monogamy. Yes, it's an insane situation that I put up with for too long, but now longer. It's really the best situation it can be at the moment. I don't bother her for sex, or act in any way towards her that is angry or resentful. She either chooses to be totally clueless, or she really is if she thinks I just gave up on sex because she did.

If you won't give your spouse sex, don't worry about them going elsewhere for it until the time they stop bothering you about yet seem to be a bit more pleasant for unexplained reasons.

Your tone reads to me as very "big man." I WILL get what I want. I WILL do what I want. If you're truly that big and bold why don't you TELL YOUR WIFE you're having sex with others? That would take real guts. Let her make an informed decision if SHE WANTS to stay married to you.

Anonymous wrote:I like sex. I will have sex. My wife has determined she no longer wants sex. Good for her. I don't accept her decision for the both of us. So I'll get sex elsewhere and there are so many people, men and women, in this situation that it's not hard to find.

As for, why don't I just divorce her, then go get the sex? That is such a naive question. There are 100s of reasons why couples stay together yet go outside of marriage for sex. Eventually, we will divorce but that doesn't work for me right now.

And no, I don't have a don't ask, don't tell agreement, or any agreement at all. While she doesn't want sex, she still expects sexual monogamy. Yes, it's an insane situation that I put up with for too long, but now longer. It's really the best situation it can be at the moment. I don't bother her for sex, or act in any way towards her that is angry or resentful. She either chooses to be totally clueless, or she really is if she thinks I just gave up on sex because she did.

If you won't give your spouse sex, don't worry about them going elsewhere for it until the time they stop bothering you about yet seem to be a bit more pleasant for unexplained reasons.

Anonymous wrote:I like sex. I will have sex. My wife has determined she no longer wants sex. Good for her. I don't accept her decision for the both of us. So I'll get sex elsewhere and there are so many people, men and women, in this situation that it's not hard to find.

As for, why don't I just divorce her, then go get the sex? That is such a naive question. There are 100s of reasons why couples stay together yet go outside of marriage for sex. Eventually, we will divorce but that doesn't work for me right now.

And no, I don't have a don't ask, don't tell agreement, or any agreement at all. While she doesn't want sex, she still expects sexual monogamy. Yes, it's an insane situation that I put up with for too long, but now longer. It's really the best situation it can be at the moment. I don't bother her for sex, or act in any way towards her that is angry or resentful. She either chooses to be totally clueless, or she really is if she thinks I just gave up on sex because she did.

If you won't give your spouse sex, don't worry about them going elsewhere for it until the time they stop bothering you about yet seem to be a bit more pleasant for unexplained reasons.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People cheat because they can. We want to figure it out and reason it out and try to rationalize it and make it make sense: they cheat, because they can. It is that simple.

Thanks for the insight, but lots of people have the opportunity to cheat but don't, so this doesn't really hold up. Everyone who cheats "can," but not everyone who "can" cheats.

So true. Cheaters always want to pretend they "couldn't" stop themselves (like nobody would be able to) or they just stumbled into an opportunity. Neither is really true. It's just what they tell themselves to make themselves feel better. It's that mentality -- the ability to tell oneself a self-justifying story regardless of the actual reality of a situation -- that makes cheaters cheat.

After I found out about DH's cheating and confronted him, he was desperate to keep our relationship. He agreed to therapy and went with and without me. I went away for the summer to work and several perfect opportunities to cheat. He never would have found out.

I decided that wasn't the kind of person I wanted to be. I would have been justified in cheating since DH had. I knew our relationship likely wouldn't survive because I knew DH didn't have it in him to be the kind of person that doesn't cheat. I like sex a lot, so having an affair was very tempting because the cheating made what was formerly great frequent sex with DH feel gross. But, I'm not the kind of person who lies and hides and has a secret life. I'm also the kind of person who has some self-restraint. So, I didn't cheat. It is as simple as that. I have control over my body and emotions. I made a decision. I stuck with it.

Despite giving DH about 2 years to pull his shit together, he never did. But, I never cheated on him, despite numerous opportunities.