Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you’re supposed to be better than MIL, right? Neither option is a good look for you at all, you just validate her (mis)perceptions.

If you cannot take the high road here the issue is not all Ml’s.

You haven't dealt with a narcissist.

Yes, I have....

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, if she sent it to DH too so he would follow up, it kind of makes it sound like OP is the problem

Ha ha. No it's a manipulation tactic. They can shift the blame then by saying look how hard I try and this person is so difficult. There is never any introspection to wonder why someone would not want anything to do with them.

Like the time MIL came over with a birthday present for me (first one ever after being married for 5 years) and gave it to me two weeks late and actually said to me, "Oh I had to bring it over son hasn't talked to me in 2 weeks". Yes she made sure I understood it really wasn't for me.

Toxic people are nasty and there is always an ulterior motive. I almost handed the present to DH saying to him "oh this is actually for you" but I just said thank you and walked away as she hugged DH and made sure he was no longer upset over who knows what. She didn't even say bye to me, she had gotten what she wanted, DH was no longer upset with her and she was happy. These types are truly pathetic.

I dare say if Dh is now talking to her she feels like she has to look like she is trying on some level. She is probably hoping for no reply or something nasty so she can point to OP and say "see I'm not the problem".

This is exactly what's happening. OP here.

And for everyone else I'll say it again, fine I will text her a cold thank you. I think it's ridiculous to copy my husband so I won't be doing that. If she asks more questions I'll blame quarantined packages and covid then block her again.

You sound a lot worse than your MIL. At least she is trying. You sound like a 5 year old having a temper tantrum.

OP sounds like someone that's been through a really hard time with a toxic MIL. You sound like someone that's been privileged to not have this experience.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:C) None of the above. You be the kinder person and say thank you for thinking of you on your birthday and if you really don’t want it around, you donate it when goodwill is open again.

Being kinder than someone deserves is never the wrong choice.

OP here. Normally I would always do this but my MIL will weaponize it all somehow. I wish this weren't the case but it is.

OP, I don't think the person above understands people with serious issues. It sounds like based on your description (weaponizing) she's got a personality disorder or something similar. If this is the case, don't acknowledge the gift. Don't give her power. Stick in in your basement then donate next chance you get.

Anonymous wrote:I'm not getting into all of the reasons why I can't stand my MIL and refuse to have more than the most minimal necessary contact. I received a text message from MIL copying DH telling me about a gift she's sent me and when to expect it. I half expect it to be a blanket coughed on by a COVID-19 patient or similar.

Since I want nothing to do with this woman and definitely don't want to be perceived as accepting gifts from her, do I just write "return to sender" and put it back in the mailbox or do I just never acknowledge receiving it?

I can entirely understand how hurt you must be and you must have all the reason to be.
However, this is the woman who raised your husband. She has some right for respect from him
and unfortunately whatever you do reflects on him because it is not just you it is both of you.
You are part of the time DH.

In reality anything you do will probably have a potential to make the relationship to make worse.
If you accept gift and not give back something or thank in a wrong way or too late or too little..
We know the kind of person you described. You can never make it right. Neither at this point you care
and you have your good reasons.

However knowledge is power. Think long term, think grandkids, think your husband and
sometimes the best policy is just not to add an oil to the fire. It is an art to deal with people like
this without getting hurt. Easiest way is to cut of, however easiest does not always mean
it is in the best interest of the DH team.

You made the first important step. Knowing and understanding and recognizing who she is.
Now you don't really need to show her you know her cards do you?
You can play anyway you want.

If I were you, for the sake of the peace and the family I would just accept, thank and move on
and keep what is necessary to keep formal and polite relationship. Do not get emotional
and do not expect anything good or kind and you are half way there already just by knowing it.
Consider her an unpredictable business partner that could hurt you, she can... so best is
just to be careful and proper with her.

Anything and everything you do can and will be used against you at some point by God only
know who. Her, your husband, your kids, extended family.. because people don't know everything,
because they will know only her side of the story and also because they often takes sides
based on how they feel so don't put yourself in the position of conflict.

Life is a very long proposition. The more peaceful it is the better for everybody.
Compromises, often emotional compromises are often necessary on all sides.

Those who encourage you to go eye for eye have no skin in this game so do not listen to them.
Many people encourage mean and vengeful behaviors because they are immature, or hurt
and want to fight their fight through you. Others just want to see people and families hurt
more then necessary.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, if she sent it to DH too so he would follow up, it kind of makes it sound like OP is the problem

Ha ha. No it's a manipulation tactic. They can shift the blame then by saying look how hard I try and this person is so difficult. There is never any introspection to wonder why someone would not want anything to do with them.

Like the time MIL came over with a birthday present for me (first one ever after being married for 5 years) and gave it to me two weeks late and actually said to me, "Oh I had to bring it over son hasn't talked to me in 2 weeks". Yes she made sure I understood it really wasn't for me.

Toxic people are nasty and there is always an ulterior motive. I almost handed the present to DH saying to him "oh this is actually for you" but I just said thank you and walked away as she hugged DH and made sure he was no longer upset over who knows what. She didn't even say bye to me, she had gotten what she wanted, DH was no longer upset with her and she was happy. These types are truly pathetic.

I dare say if Dh is now talking to her she feels like she has to look like she is trying on some level. She is probably hoping for no reply or something nasty so she can point to OP and say "see I'm not the problem".

This is exactly what's happening. OP here.

And for everyone else I'll say it again, fine I will text her a cold thank you. I think it's ridiculous to copy my husband so I won't be doing that. If she asks more questions I'll blame quarantined packages and covid then block her again.

You sound a lot worse than your MIL. At least she is trying. You sound like a 5 year old having a temper tantrum.

Anonymous wrote:There is a lot written about narcissistic gift giving. Narcissists love to use gifts for manipulation. I would do nothing. Let your husband text that it was received.

Also, keep in mind there are a lot of bored and hostile people on here who identify with your MIL. That is fine, but you can tell the mentally stable ones because they speak calmly and give you another perspective. The ones calling you a horrible person probably have many of their own dramas and problems getting along and you hit a nerve with them so they are lashing out at you.

Yes. People are judging you OP by their own experiences unless they have any kind of open mind.
PP is right.

OP I have one of these. No amount of crap she could send me could make up for the damage she’s inflicted on my family.
I get it. Put the gift in the trash (unopened) thank her in writing (cc your husband so she can’t complain later to him you didn’t thank her) and be done with it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, if she sent it to DH too so he would follow up, it kind of makes it sound like OP is the problem

Ha ha. No it's a manipulation tactic. They can shift the blame then by saying look how hard I try and this person is so difficult. There is never any introspection to wonder why someone would not want anything to do with them.

Like the time MIL came over with a birthday present for me (first one ever after being married for 5 years) and gave it to me two weeks late and actually said to me, "Oh I had to bring it over son hasn't talked to me in 2 weeks". Yes she made sure I understood it really wasn't for me.

Toxic people are nasty and there is always an ulterior motive. I almost handed the present to DH saying to him "oh this is actually for you" but I just said thank you and walked away as she hugged DH and made sure he was no longer upset over who knows what. She didn't even say bye to me, she had gotten what she wanted, DH was no longer upset with her and she was happy. These types are truly pathetic.

I dare say if Dh is now talking to her she feels like she has to look like she is trying on some level. She is probably hoping for no reply or something nasty so she can point to OP and say "see I'm not the problem".

This is exactly what's happening. OP here.

And for everyone else I'll say it again, fine I will text her a cold thank you. I think it's ridiculous to copy my husband so I won't be doing that. If she asks more questions I'll blame quarantined packages and covid then block her again.

Anonymous wrote:There is a lot written about narcissistic gift giving. Narcissists love to use gifts for manipulation. I would do nothing. Let your husband text that it was received.

Also, keep in mind there are a lot of bored and hostile people on here who identify with your MIL. That is fine, but you can tell the mentally stable ones because they speak calmly and give you another perspective. The ones calling you a horrible person probably have many of their own dramas and problems getting along and you hit a nerve with them so they are lashing out at you.

If you are so angry you can’t text a thank you and cc your husband then guess what, you ARE being manipulated by the MIL! You are being forced into a position you wouldn’t normally take. Don’t give her that power. Text her a cold thank you and move on.

Anonymous wrote:OP, you’re supposed to be better than MIL, right? Neither option is a good look for you at all, you just validate her (mis)perceptions.

If you cannot take the high road here the issue is not all Ml’s.

+1

Text MIL and husband with this: The gift arrived. Thank you.

Leave it in the garage. Just say thanks and that you'll be on the lookout. Then don't open it for at least 2 weeks. If she asks, say it is being quarantined.

Anonymous wrote:OP, you’re supposed to be better than MIL, right? Neither option is a good look for you at all, you just validate her (mis)perceptions.

If you cannot take the high road here the issue is not all Ml’s.

You haven't dealt with a narcissist.

OP, you’re supposed to be better than MIL, right? Neither option is a good look for you at all, you just validate her (mis)perceptions.

If you cannot take the high road here the issue is not all Ml’s.

There is a lot written about narcissistic gift giving. Narcissists love to use gifts for manipulation. I would do nothing. Let your husband text that it was received.

Also, keep in mind there are a lot of bored and hostile people on here who identify with your MIL. That is fine, but you can tell the mentally stable ones because they speak calmly and give you another perspective. The ones calling you a horrible person probably have many of their own dramas and problems getting along and you hit a nerve with them so they are lashing out at you.