Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you have kids with him?

God, why does everyone ask this?!

Because we are tired of reading these posts about people who complain about their spouses when they knew what they were getting into.

I used to ask men on dates what they would do during a global crisis where we could potentially lose all access to civilization for weeks on end, and they always looked at me like I was crazy. Guess I should have pushed harder for an answer.

This S needs to end. In the evenings, plan out the next day with him or her. Look at your meetings together and SAY he is “on” for this or that time period. Then, if the kids come to you, mute yourself and tell them to go to dad/mom. Enough. If they don’t get lunch because he’s “on” and forgets or is a complete ducking butt biscuit, they get whatever they scrounge in the fridge until you can get to it and then you create the Reckoning that night.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes - we share an office and the kids come in while I am on a call saying Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom .... he knows I am on a call and does NOTHING!

I'm infuriated just reading this.
I would have given him the middle finger. Then I would have screamed once I was off the phone. He acts this way because you just take it.

You need to tell the kids to go talk to dad next time he’s on the phone.

Done.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes - we share an office and the kids come in while I am on a call saying Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom .... he knows I am on a call and does NOTHING!

And then he gets upset because you don’t want to have sex with him. (Sorry, PP, this is not specific to your post.) They just don’t see it.

She sounds like a wimp so I bet she has sex with him whenever he asks.

Anonymous wrote:Yes - we share an office and the kids come in while I am on a call saying Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom .... he knows I am on a call and does NOTHING!

I'm infuriated just reading this.
I would have given him the middle finger. Then I would have screamed once I was off the phone. He acts this way because you just take it.

Anonymous wrote:This whole thing is actually making me more grateful to my ex because he's been a bit of a rock star during all this. I'm taking her 3 school days, he has her 2 school days and we're splitting up the weekends. He gave me paper towels, he's kept an eye out for toilet paper whenever he's out and about, and last week he pulled a dead tree out of my front yard to save me the money of hiring a professional. He's also willingly listened to me vent about school closures and other frustrations. and we share similar levels of non-panic about the whole thing.

We probably never would have worked out as a couple for various reasons, but he's doing a great job as a coparent, and I'm grateful for that.

Why did you divorce him? He sounds great!

Anonymous wrote:Yes - we share an office and the kids come in while I am on a call saying Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom .... he knows I am on a call and does NOTHING!

And then he gets upset because you don’t want to have sex with him. (Sorry, PP, this is not specific to your post.) They just don’t see it.

I’ve been doing the lionshare of the work, as my work also includes all the kids schoolwork, meal planning, setting up video play dates, etc.

But I also know that so much of that was from the need to feel in control. I spent so much time learning about online learning because I didn’t know anything about it. I spent time meal planning because I wasn’t used to cooking 3 family meals a day. I didn’t know about zoom, etc, so I had to learn it.

Now that I feel like I have a good handle on how to make sure our kids will learn but also have fun and be healthy during this weird time, I can let go more and let DH take over. I know he’ll do things very differently, but since I know what’s ultimately important to me, I don’t need to sweat details so long as the goals are reached.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And you haven't thrown an epic fit yet? You must be some kind of saint or martyr.

You're allowing this to continue, OP. I would be picking open his office door lock and handing him a kid.

I have and he just says he can’t multi-task like me and the kids want me anyways (which is true). This dynamic has existed since DCs were born and I decided that rather than resenting DH, I’d just hire help. It’s worked...until now...where help cannot come.

This is my situation as well, but I'm filing for divorce (had been planning before the courts closed so it's not like it's just in reaction to this event).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t the nanny come?

Following this. and I am a Nanny
I am working as “usual”. We are just taking all the necessary precautions to not get sick. Both parents are still working; From home, yet working. As they are working from home, they have a little more flexibility with the schedule. So I am leaving earlier.
One thing is that I drive. I don’t have to commute with other people. Maybe Op’s nanny doesn’t drive. That makes a difference

OPs nanny was exposed and is in quarantine.

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t the nanny come?

Following this. and I am a Nanny
I am working as “usual”. We are just taking all the necessary precautions to not get sick. Both parents are still working; From home, yet working. As they are working from home, they have a little more flexibility with the schedule. So I am leaving earlier.
One thing is that I drive. I don’t have to commute with other people. Maybe Op’s nanny doesn’t drive. That makes a difference

^^ job off and on...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And you haven't thrown an epic fit yet? You must be some kind of saint or martyr.

You're allowing this to continue, OP. I would be picking open his office door lock and handing him a kid.

I have and he just says he can’t multi-task like me and the kids want me anyways (which is true). This dynamic has existed since DCs were born and I decided that rather than resenting DH, I’d just hire help. It’s worked...until now...where help cannot come.

Oh, hell no. Make up a schedule and stick to it. When it's his turn, go to a room and close and lock the door. He's on duty.

This is what we're doing in my house too. We split the day into work and childcare shifts, and when it's my work shift, I close the door and work and that's that. It's exhausting because we're both either working or watching the kids nonstop all day and then work in the evening too. But, it's a better system for us than any other alternative. When it's work time I can concentrate on work, and when it's kid time I can concentrate on the kids. Part of why this is possible is that I told my colleagues what my work hours are and made it clear that I can only schedule zoom meetings during those times. I realize that not everyone has that flexibility though.

My husband is a SAHD. He has had a Job often on for the last eight years. I make enough money that he does not need to work, but honestly he gets bored being a stay at home dad so he will work for 9-12 months then back home. Kids are 10 and 13.
And for this pandemic, he has decided he needs to be outside doing yardwork. Raking the leaves. Seeding the grass.
So the kids play video games all day while I work in my office. He feeds them breakfast and lunch, might shoot some hoops with them or do a short activity. He cooks dinner, and then it’s up to me to do the enrichment activities with the kids.
Since we are cooped up, I’m not saying anything. I really don’t need to be in a fight with him when neither of us can go anywhere to cool off.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. tomorrow morning, get up early and hole up in the office yourself, door locked. text him that today is his turn to be "on" for the kids while working. tomorrow will be your turn.

I do that and he’ll have his Mother come which is a whole new set of problems (not to mention unnecessary exposure). I appreciate the advice about schedules and putting your foot down but he simply won’t do it. I have tried locking myself in the bathroom for a call...the kids stand at the door and pound on it or scream Mommy!!! UGH! I swear I’d marry the nanny at this point.

with all due respect, OP... I am not trying to hurt your feelings, but your marriage has WAY more problems than your husband not wanting to do his fair share of the childcare.

ITA it’s not perfect but it works for us so long as we had the nanny (not to mention the house cleaner).