Anonymous
03/08/2020 11:18
Subject: Help me not cheat!!
Anonymous wrote:Been there, done that op.
Years ago, my ex-dh informed me on the eve of our family's move to another city for a job promotion, that he did not want me or the children to follow him because he intended to begin a new life with an ap. It was devastating. The children and I ultimately stayed behind as ex-dh began his life in a different city, and he eventually went on to date many other women, and receded from our life. Ours had been a very long marriage (24+ years), during which time I was always faithful.
As a busy, essentially single mother I spent the first two years treading water to keep everyone healthy and adjusted. I barely had a moment to myself in those years, but when I did, I was so incredibly lonely and longing for the love and companionship of my partner.
My ex-dh refused to file for divorce for financial and professional reasons, as well as social appearances. I was too stubborn to file for a divorce I did not ask for, or cause, and I sincerely hoped my husband would return. Additionally I did not want to subject our children -- one of whom had a disability -- to the further instability of a contentious divorce process, and the potential sale of a house, change of schools, and move from the area. So for two years, though I eventually gave up wearing my wedding band, I made absolutely no attempt to date.
Then one day a wonderful, kind, good man whom I had met socially post-separation -- and who assumed I was divorced -- asked me out. I had longed for someone for so long by that point, and had been so good my entire marriage, that I readily and excitedly accepted his invitation without telling him I was still married.
We were compatible in many ways, and shared a lovely, exciting evening until I informed him that neither my husband nor I had filed for divorce (in response to his direct inquiry on the matter). Though I attempted to explain my particular circumstances, it did not matter, as he was a religious and good man who did not care to get involved with a married woman. I completely understood, as a religious person myself, when he said, "you should really file for divorce", and did not contact me again.
It was embarrassing for a person who had always done the right thing, the good thing, to know that I had so readily sought an extramarital opportunity that would have made me no better than my ex-husband. I cringe to this day imagining what that good guy must have thought of me.
I waited another four years, until my youngest child went off to college, before I finally filed for divorce. By that time I had waited six years of my life. And I never again did attempt to date until the divorce was final and the children grown up. I do sometimes wonder -- if I don't exactly regret -- what I may have missed out on personally. However the stability I was able to give my children, as well as the example of my personal morality by staying constant in the face of an abandoned marriage, was probably worth the personal sacrifice.
My advice, either file for divorce and live the personal life you want, or don't and stay faithful until your children go to college. Either choice is fine, but trying to have it both ways will leave you compromised at best.
Respect.
Anonymous
03/06/2020 17:47
Subject: Help me not cheat!!
Prevent Coronavirus - Switch to Budweiser!
Anonymous
03/06/2020 09:04
Subject: Help me not cheat!!
Anonymous wrote:Please talk me off the ledge.
Coronavirus.
You’re welcome.
Anonymous
03/06/2020 06:48
Subject: Help me not cheat!!
How is the person who stays in a broken marriage for many years, and does not cheat; any less or more insecure and clingy than the person who stays in a broken marriage until the kids go off to college, and cheats? In both cases the people involved seem to find the reasons to justify staying in their bad marriages indefinitely.
Anonymous
03/06/2020 06:14
Subject: Help me not cheat!!
Anonymous wrote:Been there, done that op.
Years ago, my ex-dh informed me on the eve of our family's move to another city for a job promotion, that he did not want me or the children to follow him because he intended to begin a new life with an ap. It was devastating. The children and I ultimately stayed behind as ex-dh began his life in a different city, and he eventually went on to date many other women, and receded from our life. Ours had been a very long marriage (24+ years), during which time I was always faithful.
As a busy, essentially single mother I spent the first two years treading water to keep everyone healthy and adjusted. I barely had a moment to myself in those years, but when I did, I was so incredibly lonely and longing for the love and companionship of my partner.
My ex-dh refused to file for divorce for financial and professional reasons, as well as social appearances. I was too stubborn to file for a divorce I did not ask for, or cause, and I sincerely hoped my husband would return. Additionally I did not want to subject our children -- one of whom had a disability -- to the further instability of a contentious divorce process, and the potential sale of a house, change of schools, and move from the area. So for two years, though I eventually gave up wearing my wedding band, I made absolutely no attempt to date.
Then one day a wonderful, kind, good man whom I had met socially post-separation -- and who assumed I was divorced -- asked me out. I had longed for someone for so long by that point, and had been so good my entire marriage, that I readily and excitedly accepted his invitation without telling him I was still married.
We were compatible in many ways, and shared a lovely, exciting evening until I informed him that neither my husband nor I had filed for divorce (in response to his direct inquiry on the matter). Though I attempted to explain my particular circumstances, it did not matter, as he was a religious and good man who did not care to get involved with a married woman. I completely understood, as a religious person myself, when he said, "you should really file for divorce", and did not contact me again.
It was embarrassing for a person who had always done the right thing, the good thing, to know that I had so readily sought an extramarital opportunity that would have made me no better than my ex-husband. I cringe to this day imagining what that good guy must have thought of me.
I waited another four years, until my youngest child went off to college, before I finally filed for divorce. By that time I had waited six years of my life. And I never again did attempt to date until the divorce was final and the children grown up. I do sometimes wonder -- if I don't exactly regret -- what I may have missed out on personally. However the stability I was able to give my children, as well as the example of my personal morality by staying constant in the face of an abandoned marriage, was probably worth the personal sacrifice.
My advice, either file for divorce and live the personal life you want, or don't and stay faithful until your children go to college. Either choice is fine, but trying to have it both ways will leave you compromised at best.
Good grief, you can find external reasons (religion, stability) for your choices but this post screams out someone with insecure attachment issues who clinged far too long to be healthy. Recommend therapy to unpack what in your childhood lead to this path.
Anonymous
03/05/2020 23:08
Subject: Help me not cheat!!
Been there, done that op.
Years ago, my ex-dh informed me on the eve of our family's move to another city for a job promotion, that he did not want me or the children to follow him because he intended to begin a new life with an ap. It was devastating. The children and I ultimately stayed behind as ex-dh began his life in a different city, and he eventually went on to date many other women, and receded from our life. Ours had been a very long marriage (24+ years), during which time I was always faithful.
As a busy, essentially single mother I spent the first two years treading water to keep everyone healthy and adjusted. I barely had a moment to myself in those years, but when I did, I was so incredibly lonely and longing for the love and companionship of my partner.
My ex-dh refused to file for divorce for financial and professional reasons, as well as social appearances. I was too stubborn to file for a divorce I did not ask for, or cause, and I sincerely hoped my husband would return. Additionally I did not want to subject our children -- one of whom had a disability -- to the further instability of a contentious divorce process, and the potential sale of a house, change of schools, and move from the area. So for two years, though I eventually gave up wearing my wedding band, I made absolutely no attempt to date.
Then one day a wonderful, kind, good man whom I had met socially post-separation -- and who assumed I was divorced -- asked me out. I had longed for someone for so long by that point, and had been so good my entire marriage, that I readily and excitedly accepted his invitation without telling him I was still married.
We were compatible in many ways, and shared a lovely, exciting evening until I informed him that neither my husband nor I had filed for divorce (in response to his direct inquiry on the matter). Though I attempted to explain my particular circumstances, it did not matter, as he was a religious and good man who did not care to get involved with a married woman. I completely understood, as a religious person myself, when he said, "you should really file for divorce", and did not contact me again.
It was embarrassing for a person who had always done the right thing, the good thing, to know that I had so readily sought an extramarital opportunity that would have made me no better than my ex-husband. I cringe to this day imagining what that good guy must have thought of me.
I waited another four years, until my youngest child went off to college, before I finally filed for divorce. By that time I had waited six years of my life. And I never again did attempt to date until the divorce was final and the children grown up. I do sometimes wonder -- if I don't exactly regret -- what I may have missed out on personally. However the stability I was able to give my children, as well as the example of my personal morality by staying constant in the face of an abandoned marriage, was probably worth the personal sacrifice.
My advice, either file for divorce and live the personal life you want, or don't and stay faithful until your children go to college. Either choice is fine, but trying to have it both ways will leave you compromised at best.
Years ago, my ex-dh informed me on the eve of our family's move to another city for a job promotion, that he did not want me or the children to follow him because he intended to begin a new life with an ap. It was devastating. The children and I ultimately stayed behind as ex-dh began his life in a different city, and he eventually went on to date many other women, and receded from our life. Ours had been a very long marriage (24+ years), during which time I was always faithful.
As a busy, essentially single mother I spent the first two years treading water to keep everyone healthy and adjusted. I barely had a moment to myself in those years, but when I did, I was so incredibly lonely and longing for the love and companionship of my partner.
My ex-dh refused to file for divorce for financial and professional reasons, as well as social appearances. I was too stubborn to file for a divorce I did not ask for, or cause, and I sincerely hoped my husband would return. Additionally I did not want to subject our children -- one of whom had a disability -- to the further instability of a contentious divorce process, and the potential sale of a house, change of schools, and move from the area. So for two years, though I eventually gave up wearing my wedding band, I made absolutely no attempt to date.
Then one day a wonderful, kind, good man whom I had met socially post-separation -- and who assumed I was divorced -- asked me out. I had longed for someone for so long by that point, and had been so good my entire marriage, that I readily and excitedly accepted his invitation without telling him I was still married.
We were compatible in many ways, and shared a lovely, exciting evening until I informed him that neither my husband nor I had filed for divorce (in response to his direct inquiry on the matter). Though I attempted to explain my particular circumstances, it did not matter, as he was a religious and good man who did not care to get involved with a married woman. I completely understood, as a religious person myself, when he said, "you should really file for divorce", and did not contact me again.
It was embarrassing for a person who had always done the right thing, the good thing, to know that I had so readily sought an extramarital opportunity that would have made me no better than my ex-husband. I cringe to this day imagining what that good guy must have thought of me.
I waited another four years, until my youngest child went off to college, before I finally filed for divorce. By that time I had waited six years of my life. And I never again did attempt to date until the divorce was final and the children grown up. I do sometimes wonder -- if I don't exactly regret -- what I may have missed out on personally. However the stability I was able to give my children, as well as the example of my personal morality by staying constant in the face of an abandoned marriage, was probably worth the personal sacrifice.
My advice, either file for divorce and live the personal life you want, or don't and stay faithful until your children go to college. Either choice is fine, but trying to have it both ways will leave you compromised at best.
Anonymous
03/05/2020 20:12
Subject: Help me not cheat!!
With a "marriage" like you are showing those children, they are BOUND to be screwed up.
So, there's that.
So, there's that.
Anonymous
03/05/2020 20:05
Subject: Help me not cheat!!
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You took a step by telling him you are married. If he backs off, you can't cheat with him.
Not necessarily. Backing off of a woman you didn't realize was married is the decent thing to do. She's still free to go after him, but the ball is definitely in her court.
- A man
Yeah, but if I have to pursue you, it seems like a desperate loser move to me. I'd rather have a man leave no question he wants me.
See, here's the thing. If a man expresses interest in you, then finds out you're married and continues to "leave no question he wants" you, he is a dirtbag, because only dirtbags pursue married women that way. You want him? It's up to you to go and get him.
- A man
Anyone that is married and cheats is a dirt bag. That includes the co-cheater as well, married people are off limits.
I guess I’m a dirt bag. I’m the guy married women hook up with because their home life sucks and I provide a service to make them feel better. Who cares... They have fun and so do I.
OP... Go for it!
Anonymous
03/05/2020 14:38
Subject: Re:Help me not cheat!!
I see a lot of people recommending that she "open" the marriage and/or have DADT relationship. But what do you tell the kids? When you're on your way to meet your AP at the hotel where do you tell the kids you are going?
How do you negotiate who will watch the kids if both Mom and Dad are slipping out for something on the side?
Asking for a friend.
How do you negotiate who will watch the kids if both Mom and Dad are slipping out for something on the side?
Asking for a friend.
Anonymous
03/05/2020 14:17
Subject: Help me not cheat!!
Not sure how all the sane guys found this thread but here they are. OP listen to these men. You're going to have to do some heavy compartmentalizing to cheat, and given that you want this "nice divorced dad" to pursue you, I don't get the feeling you're wiling to own your actions. Of course he backed off when he found out you were married. And you "thought he was a nice guy"? Turns out he is. Huh.
Cheat and accept that life is complicated and you can be the dirtbag too, or don't, but own it either way.
Cheat and accept that life is complicated and you can be the dirtbag too, or don't, but own it either way.
Anonymous
03/05/2020 13:04
Subject: Help me not cheat!!
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You took a step by telling him you are married. If he backs off, you can't cheat with him.
Not necessarily. Backing off of a woman you didn't realize was married is the decent thing to do. She's still free to go after him, but the ball is definitely in her court.
- A man
Yeah, but if I have to pursue you, it seems like a desperate loser move to me. I'd rather have a man leave no question he wants me.
See, here's the thing. If a man expresses interest in you, then finds out you're married and continues to "leave no question he wants" you, he is a dirtbag, because only dirtbags pursue married women that way. You want him? It's up to you to go and get him.
- A man
Dirtbags can be hot, too. In your scenario, we are playing morality chicken. I'd rather you be the "dirtbag" and sweep me off my feet (and away from good judgement) then for me to be some lonely, horny wife jumping at every d1ck which salutes me.
DP - so the difference is that you want to be treated like a wh*re rather than act like one
The difference is the man can be labelled the dirtbag, while the woman got caught up in it. It's not as easy (morally) for women to cheat as it is for men. The mental gymnastics she plays (lonely, loveless, staying for the kids) become much easier when a hot guy is aggressively pursuing.
thanks for agreeing with my point
Anonymous
03/05/2020 12:58
Subject: Help me not cheat!!
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You took a step by telling him you are married. If he backs off, you can't cheat with him.
Not necessarily. Backing off of a woman you didn't realize was married is the decent thing to do. She's still free to go after him, but the ball is definitely in her court.
- A man
Yeah, but if I have to pursue you, it seems like a desperate loser move to me. I'd rather have a man leave no question he wants me.
See, here's the thing. If a man expresses interest in you, then finds out you're married and continues to "leave no question he wants" you, he is a dirtbag, because only dirtbags pursue married women that way. You want him? It's up to you to go and get him.
- A man
Dirtbags can be hot, too. In your scenario, we are playing morality chicken. I'd rather you be the "dirtbag" and sweep me off my feet (and away from good judgement) then for me to be some lonely, horny wife jumping at every d1ck which salutes me.
DP - so the difference is that you want to be treated like a wh*re rather than act like one
The difference is the man can be labelled the dirtbag, while the woman got caught up in it. It's not as easy (morally) for women to cheat as it is for men. The mental gymnastics she plays (lonely, loveless, staying for the kids) become much easier when a hot guy is aggressively pursuing.
Anonymous
03/05/2020 12:55
Subject: Help me not cheat!!
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You took a step by telling him you are married. If he backs off, you can't cheat with him.
Not necessarily. Backing off of a woman you didn't realize was married is the decent thing to do. She's still free to go after him, but the ball is definitely in her court.
- A man
Yeah, but if I have to pursue you, it seems like a desperate loser move to me. I'd rather have a man leave no question he wants me.
See, here's the thing. If a man expresses interest in you, then finds out you're married and continues to "leave no question he wants" you, he is a dirtbag, because only dirtbags pursue married women that way. You want him? It's up to you to go and get him.
- A man
Dirtbags can be hot, too. In your scenario, we are playing morality chicken. I'd rather you be the "dirtbag" and sweep me off my feet (and away from good judgement) then for me to be some lonely, horny wife jumping at every d1ck which salutes me.
DP - so the difference is that you want to be treated like a wh*re rather than act like one
Anonymous
03/05/2020 12:47
Subject: Help me not cheat!!
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You took a step by telling him you are married. If he backs off, you can't cheat with him.
Not necessarily. Backing off of a woman you didn't realize was married is the decent thing to do. She's still free to go after him, but the ball is definitely in her court.
- A man
Yeah, but if I have to pursue you, it seems like a desperate loser move to me. I'd rather have a man leave no question he wants me.
See, here's the thing. If a man expresses interest in you, then finds out you're married and continues to "leave no question he wants" you, he is a dirtbag, because only dirtbags pursue married women that way. You want him? It's up to you to go and get him.
- A man
Anyone that is married and cheats is a dirt bag. That includes the co-cheater as well, married people are off limits.
Anonymous
03/05/2020 12:45
Subject: Re:Help me not cheat!!
Cheating was the worst choice I have ever made, I would not recommend it to anyone.
However, it already seems like you are self-justfying your thoughts and behavior so if you decide to move forward...I would not do it with someone from work. What is the saying...don't dip your pen in the company ink? There are so many ramifications that can come from a work affair, do you really want to jeopardize your career? And unfortunately as a woman you would probably pay more of a price than a man.
However, it already seems like you are self-justfying your thoughts and behavior so if you decide to move forward...I would not do it with someone from work. What is the saying...don't dip your pen in the company ink? There are so many ramifications that can come from a work affair, do you really want to jeopardize your career? And unfortunately as a woman you would probably pay more of a price than a man.