The responses on this thread are truly insane. I don’t even know what to say.

OP, you are not wrong at all. I hope you and your wife find some common ground on this. I would be frustrated in your shoes as well. High school kids don’t need a SAHM, as much as people are saying here otherwise.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read about over-functioning and under-functioning in relationships. Instead of issuing an ultimatum for change, see if there are changes that you can make that will shift some of the balances. This might mean that you Do more with the kids while she looks for new jobs, etc.

Do more with the kids? What the hell do you do with high schoolers? I see mine at dinner if I’m lucky. They don’t need rides b/c they either drive or take the county or late bus.

That's pretty sad you cannot be bothered driving them.

Op, sorry people are nuts.

There is no reason your wife can't make more money. Your teens don't need a housekeeper or someone home when they get home or someone to stay with them on sick days. there are millions of teens in the world with working parents

I agree with a previous poster that you need to put aside your frustration and exasperation, no matter how valid they are and approach this as a team. Look at the budget and decide together where to cut back. Explain that the pressure of being the sole breadwinner with the expectation that you can alone can find everything needed is causing you significant stress an you can't continue as is. Something has to change. Brainstorm what can change. You are already fillin more than your financial weight and you have a stable good income, at this point she needs to look at options. Even if she can bring in 50k a year that would be a big help.

Discuss together how to budget what you have currently and what will suffer. Do you not find collee or retirement? Have those conversations.

If you start the conversation in a confront ational manner she is just going to get defensive and feel unappreciated. You need to talk about it from a financial aspect and from your own well being. There is nothing wrong with saying, I can't keep doing this the way we are, something has to change.

I don't see any reason why divorce would be on the table and it would put you, her, and the kids in a worse financial position. You just need to have a 'we' have a problem, how do 'we' fix this. It isn't you against her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
What if she's fine living on a lower income? You can't make someone work for a lifestyle they don't want, OP. This is my husband. He has a high IQ, multiple terminal degrees, and earns very little in a little business working for NIH scientists. It's maddening that he thinks everything is peachy when all his peers have actual careers and make much more.

Or, he could get a better paying job. That is what my husband did.

You don't understand. My husband is FINE with this situation. He's been refusing to budge for years. This is why it's maddening.
And he doesn't help around the house either.

OP can make more money. Your husband probably has a good income just not good enough for you.

25K for the year, in the DC area. He has a PhD. His business is not working, he just doesn't want to admit it and likes the low pressure. What was that you said about a good income?

Why did you marry him?

When he was younger, he had a career and made decent money. He decided he wanted to be his own boss a few years ago, and voila.

Ultimatum? You value money over all else. You don’t care if she’s in your life or not. She was just your unpaid tool. You’d be equally happy with a life insurance payout for her.

Anonymous wrote:
Hahaha!!!!

OP if your wife makes 18K part time, she’s going to be lucky to find a 45k full time job. And keep in mind that’s going to be taxed at your GS15 tax bracket.

You are seriously considering blowing up your life over the possibility of increasing your take home income by less than 20K. Let that sink in. You’re willing to risk half your retirement, all of your savings, sell your house and move somewhere cheaper. Not to mention the emotional impact on your kids.

Wow, just wow.

I can see it now. Your kid will ask why you got divorced and you’ll say “Your mother wasn’t making enough money to contribute to your 529 so I decided to divorce her and spend all the money we had saved on legal fees! That showed her!”

I agree.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
What if she's fine living on a lower income? You can't make someone work for a lifestyle they don't want, OP. This is my husband. He has a high IQ, multiple terminal degrees, and earns very little in a little business working for NIH scientists. It's maddening that he thinks everything is peachy when all his peers have actual careers and make much more.

Or, he could get a better paying job. That is what my husband did.

You don't understand. My husband is FINE with this situation. He's been refusing to budge for years. This is why it's maddening.
And he doesn't help around the house either.

OP can make more money. Your husband probably has a good income just not good enough for you.

25K for the year, in the DC area. He has a PhD. His business is not working, he just doesn't want to admit it and likes the low pressure. What was that you said about a good income?

Why did you marry him?

This is hilarious. It’s the OP situation in reverse.

Breadwinner spouse complaining about low income spouse not working to make more money; only genders are reversed.

But no one goes ‘why did you marry her’.

OP was happy to have a SAH spouse when his kids were younger so could invest in his career and never worry about daycare drop offs or sick days. His wife handled everything at home. The PP never had a supportive spouse like that - she specifically says he doesn’t help around the house or with the kids. She’s doing everything AND subsidizing his hobby. Now THAT is crazy.

What are you talking about, he is GS15, so drop off, pick up, sick days pretty flexible.

It’s not like he was big law gone for weeks at a time.

The OP specifically said that he wanted his wife to stay home when their kids were little. I am taking him at his word, just like I believe him when he says he wants her to go to work full time now.

Let’s not rewrite history.

Hahaha!!!!

OP if your wife makes 18K part time, she’s going to be lucky to find a 45k full time job. And keep in mind that’s going to be taxed at your GS15 tax bracket.

You are seriously considering blowing up your life over the possibility of increasing your take home income by less than 20K. Let that sink in. You’re willing to risk half your retirement, all of your savings, sell your house and move somewhere cheaper. Not to mention the emotional impact on your kids.

Wow, just wow.

I can see it now. Your kid will ask why you got divorced and you’ll say “Your mother wasn’t making enough money to contribute to your 529 so I decided to divorce her and spend all the money we had saved on legal fees! That showed her!”

Anonymous wrote:Get rid of her ASAP.

It’s cheaper to keep her. At least until the kids have graduated.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
What if she's fine living on a lower income? You can't make someone work for a lifestyle they don't want, OP. This is my husband. He has a high IQ, multiple terminal degrees, and earns very little in a little business working for NIH scientists. It's maddening that he thinks everything is peachy when all his peers have actual careers and make much more.

Or, he could get a better paying job. That is what my husband did.

You don't understand. My husband is FINE with this situation. He's been refusing to budge for years. This is why it's maddening.
And he doesn't help around the house either.

OP can make more money. Your husband probably has a good income just not good enough for you.

25K for the year, in the DC area. He has a PhD. His business is not working, he just doesn't want to admit it and likes the low pressure. What was that you said about a good income?

Why did you marry him?

This is hilarious. It’s the OP situation in reverse.

Breadwinner spouse complaining about low income spouse not working to make more money; only genders are reversed.

But no one goes ‘why did you marry her’.

OP was happy to have a SAH spouse when his kids were younger so could invest in his career and never worry about daycare drop offs or sick days. His wife handled everything at home. The PP never had a supportive spouse like that - she specifically says he doesn’t help around the house or with the kids. She’s doing everything AND subsidizing his hobby. Now THAT is crazy.

What are you talking about, he is GS15, so drop off, pick up, sick days pretty flexible.

It’s not like he was big law gone for weeks at a time.

Get rid of her ASAP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
What if she's fine living on a lower income? You can't make someone work for a lifestyle they don't want, OP. This is my husband. He has a high IQ, multiple terminal degrees, and earns very little in a little business working for NIH scientists. It's maddening that he thinks everything is peachy when all his peers have actual careers and make much more.

Or, he could get a better paying job. That is what my husband did.

You don't understand. My husband is FINE with this situation. He's been refusing to budge for years. This is why it's maddening.
And he doesn't help around the house either.

OP can make more money. Your husband probably has a good income just not good enough for you.

25K for the year, in the DC area. He has a PhD. His business is not working, he just doesn't want to admit it and likes the low pressure. What was that you said about a good income?

Why did you marry him?

This is hilarious. It’s the OP situation in reverse.

Breadwinner spouse complaining about low income spouse not working to make more money; only genders are reversed.

But no one goes ‘why did you marry her’.

OP was happy to have a SAH spouse when his kids were younger so could invest in his career and never worry about daycare drop offs or sick days. His wife handled everything at home. The PP never had a supportive spouse like that - she specifically says he doesn’t help around the house or with the kids. She’s doing everything AND subsidizing his hobby. Now THAT is crazy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if the kids are sick, can you take off and stay home with them. Can you do all (and schedule) after school activities, doctors appointments, last minute things as if she starts working she will have no leave and depending on the job, no flexibility. Are you willing to grocery shop, cook, make lunches, help with homework, drive for activities every day? Again, she'll have no flexibility for a while?

Guess what-- those of us who are working parents do ALL of those things. It is very doable.

Of course it’s doable! But she’s been home for 15 years and there will be a rocky adjustment period. No way around it.

Anonymous wrote:Read about over-functioning and under-functioning in relationships. Instead of issuing an ultimatum for change, see if there are changes that you can make that will shift some of the balances. This might mean that you Do more with the kids while she looks for new jobs, etc.

Do more with the kids? What the hell do you do with high schoolers? I see mine at dinner if I’m lucky. They don’t need rides b/c they either drive or take the county or late bus.

Read about over-functioning and under-functioning in relationships. Instead of issuing an ultimatum for change, see if there are changes that you can make that will shift some of the balances. This might mean that you Do more with the kids while she looks for new jobs, etc.