Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Frustrating, OP. He's super quick to action but then defensive about the response he gets. In the example you gave, you shouldn't have yelled "Just STOP." I get why you did it, but it wasn't helpful. I think you should have gone to him and apologized for reacting so harshly to his reaction, and then asked him to clean up the mess he made.

Maybe try to look on the bright side. My husband is super thoughtful and ponders everything. so. slowly. and. thoroughly. It drives me crazy. Sooo frustrating in its own way.

But guess which guy I'd rather have in the room if a fire suddenly did start blazing? Your guy would be racing for the fire extinguisher (and probably dousing everything, whether on fire or not), and my guy would be thinking, "Huh. there's a fire. We need to do something about that."

This made me LOL - the part about how your husband would react to a fire in the room. See, that would be me. I'm the under-reacter - I think about things. He's the over-reacter - and yes, he'd be very useful in a real emergency. When we had a newborn, every time the baby made a sound in her sleep, he'd LITERALLY jump out of bed in full panic mode. So we had to move the baby out of the room so he could sleep with a closed door, and I slept alone with the baby in the next room.

I know I should try to do what you say - apologize to him about reacting the way I did. But ugh I'm stubborn too, and he literally has never apologized for anything, so it makes me less inclined to apologize to him, especially for something I think was a somewhat reasonable reaction to the situation.

Anonymous wrote:honestly, sounds like he might have undiagnosed adult ADHD. Impluse control, reactionary, blames you when you react. Hyper sensitive to critique because he's feeling ashamed and vulnerable. It is manageable - but his has to recognize his symptoms and work on them, and you have to work on understanding his mind and how you react to his symptoms

I found this site really helpful:

https://www.adhdmarriage.com/

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Anonymous wrote:I cannot even imagine dating someone like that where it would progress to marriage. How did that happen?

+1 Flipped over a full pot of hot soup to look at the bottom is not the same as "absentminded." How does this fool function in the world? And why would you choose to go through life with him at your side?

This. Are you sure he isn't mentally challenged? Slow? Traumatic brain injury? Because anybody who regularly does something that stupid has got serious life skills problems. How has he not hit a pedestrian while driving because he didn't see them in the cross walk? or not burnt himself by draining a pot of spaghetti onto the counter? Or not eaten rat poison in a clearly marked poison box. I just don't get it.

I chose him for many other reasons, one of which is that he's a good person at heart. But also, I think judging someone for a handicap is kind of a shi*ty thing to do. He's way smarter than me in other domains, just not in common sense. The driving has gotten better, but yes it was very concerning at first. He gets furious at people who walk into the road - probably because he has trouble noticing them and is afraid he will hit them. He burns himself and breaks things all the time. I usually intervene before he eats something he shouldn't eat. I know it sounds crazy, and maybe it is. But he's one of those people who excels in a very narrow area of his life, and everything else he just barely gets by.

DOES he have a disability? (Or handicap, as you say?). I am judging him, but you haven't said he has a diagnosed disability. You just said he was "absentminded" and "impulsive" ... I'm both of those things as well, but I'd NEVER do what he did, and I wouldn't call it a disability. A personal flaw, perhaps.

I consider it a disability of sorts, but he has no formal diagnosis and I don't think any label would actually fit him.

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot even imagine dating someone like that where it would progress to marriage. How did that happen?

+1 Flipped over a full pot of hot soup to look at the bottom is not the same as "absentminded." How does this fool function in the world? And why would you choose to go through life with him at your side?

This. Are you sure he isn't mentally challenged? Slow? Traumatic brain injury? Because anybody who regularly does something that stupid has got serious life skills problems. How has he not hit a pedestrian while driving because he didn't see them in the cross walk? or not burnt himself by draining a pot of spaghetti onto the counter? Or not eaten rat poison in a clearly marked poison box. I just don't get it.

I chose him for many other reasons, one of which is that he's a good person at heart. But also, I think judging someone for a handicap is kind of a shi*ty thing to do. He's way smarter than me in other domains, just not in common sense. The driving has gotten better, but yes it was very concerning at first. He gets furious at people who walk into the road - probably because he has trouble noticing them and is afraid he will hit them. He burns himself and breaks things all the time. I usually intervene before he eats something he shouldn't eat. I know it sounds crazy, and maybe it is. But he's one of those people who excels in a very narrow area of his life, and everything else he just barely gets by.

DOES he have a disability? (Or handicap, as you say?). I am judging him, but you haven't said he has a diagnosed disability. You just said he was "absentminded" and "impulsive" ... I'm both of those things as well, but I'd NEVER do what he did, and I wouldn't call it a disability. A personal flaw, perhaps.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot even imagine dating someone like that where it would progress to marriage. How did that happen?

+1 Flipped over a full pot of hot soup to look at the bottom is not the same as "absentminded." How does this fool function in the world? And why would you choose to go through life with him at your side?

This. Are you sure he isn't mentally challenged? Slow? Traumatic brain injury? Because anybody who regularly does something that stupid has got serious life skills problems. How has he not hit a pedestrian while driving because he didn't see them in the cross walk? or not burnt himself by draining a pot of spaghetti onto the counter? Or not eaten rat poison in a clearly marked poison box. I just don't get it.

I chose him for many other reasons, one of which is that he's a good person at heart. But also, I think judging someone for a handicap is kind of a shi*ty thing to do. He's way smarter than me in other domains, just not in common sense. The driving has gotten better, but yes it was very concerning at first. He gets furious at people who walk into the road - probably because he has trouble noticing them and is afraid he will hit them. He burns himself and breaks things all the time. I usually intervene before he eats something he shouldn't eat. I know it sounds crazy, and maybe it is. But he's one of those people who excels in a very narrow area of his life, and everything else he just barely gets by.[/quote

have you had children with this person? Does he have a job? Has he had neuropsych testing? I kind of can't believe this is real.

Yes we have young children. Yes he has a well-paying job and he's very good at it. No he hasn't had any neuropsych eval, and he never will, he is extremely defensive to any hint of suggestion that there might be something "wrong" with him. And yes it's very real. I don't tell anyone in real life all the stories of the nonsensical "wtf" things he's done, because he is hypersensitive to any perceived criticism and would be absolutely livid if I did.