Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How exactly does one spouse "kick out" a co-owner of their house?

+1. Unless there is more to the story than you’re saying, brace yourself. You have the ability to refinance but you don’t have the right to make him leave or to force the sale in the way you seem to think.

And I’d expect him to come back once he realizes this.

Well I hope he just takes the cash I will give him and gets himself an apartment. Not sure why 2 adults without kids divorcing needs to be a big deal. I actually don't think this will be a problem for us. We both keep it very clean financially and we don't have financial disagreements or issues. Cut in the middle and done.

Does he have student loan debt?

We have no debt other than mortgage and we never had any more than 15k at our max (my student loan).

Anonymous wrote:
1. Most adults have a very poor understanding of female fertility and how it plummets in their 30s. Your husband was probably not aware of how risky it was to wait. Moreover, this board is full of lucky 30-somethings who somehow got pregnant after multiple failed attempts, aided by technology, so it can happen.

2. If your husband does not want children at all, yes, you could divorce. But if he does, why don't you adopt? You are not too old for that, and with your profiles, I'm sure you two would be attractive. I know a couple of academics who adopted domestically when they were 50.

It "plummets" for some women, some of the time. For others it is gradual. I actually don't think that "most adults have a very poor understanding of female fertility". I actually think most educated women pursuing careers are well aware that fertility changes over time, because we are often "warned" about it early on. Signed,
A professional who became a mother at 37 and 42, no assisted technology (and so what if I had?). Ps. People know they can try to adopt

Have you ever thought that it might not be you... but him?

Had my first at 29 and on my fourth at 42... not a unicorn by any stretch, just learned that my cervix is very very high. Had no kids or kid scares between 29-39...Having a new partner lead to several more pregnancies.

I’d evaluate how much you really want to invest further with him ( personality wise, relationship wise. You’re not too old to move on.

Anonymous wrote:Well how can you get pregnant if you kick out the man who’s supposed to get you pregnant?

You’re not 40 or 45. You’re 35 and you still have time. Yeah he was trying to pursue a career, but how can you have kids and have no way of paying for them? Kids are expensive.

Sorry but you sound selfish and it’s all about you. Good things come to those that wait.

But why was it ok for her husband to have things be all about him for several years? I understand her resentment.

Look, I cannot even say that I feel
Sorry for you- because you are in a good place honestly! Live your best life and enjoy! You may meet a great guy and go on having kids with him, or not.
Does not look like you are losing too much... Mr Professor however....
best of luck and have fun!

It's hard to know if OP would have had issues at 30. What is clear is that she followed him from 1-2 year gigs moving multiple times when all signs pointed to the fact that he was not succeeding as an academic. 5 years between phd and tenure track first job is concerning and most phds I know who didn't get TT soon after finishing or one prestigious post doc saw the writing on the wall and left academe Remember, this is not about waiting to get tenure , in which case it might make sense to delay having a baby. For in fact it's tremendous pressure over the next 7 tears after starting a tenure track job to actually get tenure---it would have made more sense to have a kid early on in the adjunct/postdoc years and focus once he was on the tenure track.. Someone more realistic would have had a plan B (get a job in industry) but it sounds like OP's husband only cared about pursuing academe, not his wife or having a family. It should never be a unilateral decision and it sounds like they didn't really talk about their absolute priorities before marriage. His was getting a tenure track job above all else, hers was having kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Sorry but you sound selfish and it’s all about you. Good things come to those that wait.

I disagree. Op waited 5 prime years...not for husbay to get tenure but yo get tenure track! That should happen in a year or two, not at age 35ish.

If it's DH failed to get a tenure track job, he should have accepted he's not competitive, deferred to his well.paid wife and started a family while they still could.

Op sacrificed fertility and has multiple m/c do DH could pursue his dream.

Sorry op, I feel for you and understand why you're done.

We don't actually know this. It's possible she might have had these issues 5 years ago. What's clear is that she blames him for her/their infertility.

Sorry but you sound selfish and it’s all about you. Good things come to those that wait.

I disagree. Op waited 5 prime years...not for husbay to get tenure but yo get tenure track! That should happen in a year or two, not at age 35ish.

If it's DH failed to get a tenure track job, he should have accepted he's not competitive, deferred to his well.paid wife and started a family while they still could.

Op sacrificed fertility and has multiple m/c do DH could pursue his dream.

Sorry op, I feel for you and understand why you're done.

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t even meet my husband until I was 36, and 15 years later we’re married with two kids. If you really want children, op, it’s way too early to throw in the towel at 35 and one year of trying. If you want kids with him, work on solutions for that, if you went to divorce him, then move forward on that, but to say you’re not ever having kids because you didn’t start trying until you were 34, well that is just not reality.

If you want to have children, you need to look for an RE that will work with your situation and your body. It does feel like it's all on the woman, but that's the way it is, even with a supportive husband. I got married at 36, tried for a year for #1, miscarried, then went to an RE for #2. If you want to divorce your husband, fine, but I would see a couple of RE's for opinions before you throw in the towel. FWIW, I have friends who did IVF in their 20's/early 30's and friends who got pregnant naturally in their late 30's/early 40's. Take control of it - it's your body and your future.

If you’ve been pregnant 5 times but can’t carry to term, I would recommend finding a new doctor. You need to explore whether you have blood clotting factors or immune issues (I have Hasimoto’s which can cause chemical pregnancies) or something else. Are you in the DC area?

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like it's for the best, OP. He's not the right person for you.

But OP doesn’t sound like she’s the right person for anyone unless and until she’s had extensive therapy to help her come to terms with her persistent feelings of being disrespected, ignored, and undervalued by those with whom she is closest. There’s every reason to think she’ll bring all that baggage and more to her next relationship, assuming she ever has another one.

OP it’s easier to blame your husband than it is your body.

And darlin- I mean that with nothing but love. I think it’s your despair over the loss talking. If you don’t love him, leave him. But if you do- and your just heartbroken and mad and the unfairness of loss and fertility challenges can make it seem like HE did this to YOU, but that isn’t true. I am sorry that you are suffering like this- truly I am- but don’t toss a good marriage over this- if it’s a bad marriage you shouldn’t bring kids into it anyway.

OP, I’m sorry you are having difficulties conceiving, but I’m not sure if you hear the blaming and anger in your posts. It seems a little crazy that if you had easily become pregnant, it sounds like none of your concerns would have mattered and you wouldn’t have kicked your husband out. You said your last chemical pregnancy was last weekend - is there any chance your emotions right now are being fueled by your hormones? You really don’t even know if the issues you have faced are a result of the delay, or if you might have had problems no matter when you started trying. Please, let go of your anger and bitterness and stop blaming your DH. I usually side with the woman in these kinds of situations, but you sound really unreasonable.

Good for you. A divorce with no children should be easy. Whether yiu become a mother or not i think you shouldnt have kids with such a selfish man who woukdnwaste your fertility. To all the people saying he was responsible, he wasn't. He likely cant even afford fertility treatments on a professors salary. Please keep us updated op.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How exactly does one spouse "kick out" a co-owner of their house?

+1. Unless there is more to the story than you’re saying, brace yourself. You have the ability to refinance but you don’t have the right to make him leave or to force the sale in the way you seem to think.

And I’d expect him to come back once he realizes this.

Well I hope he just takes the cash I will give him and gets himself an apartment. Not sure why 2 adults without kids divorcing needs to be a big deal. I actually don't think this will be a problem for us. We both keep it very clean financially and we don't have financial disagreements or issues. Cut in the middle and done.

Does he have student loan debt?

You need to see a lawyer. The law may result in things neither of you intend.