Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life has a funny way of changing people's perspective. I never ever thought I'd want to be a sahm. Still don't, but after the kids came along, I was torn in different directions. Life was stressful, so I quit and became a sahm for a year or so. I didn't love being sahm, but it was the best thing for our family at the time. It really reduced the stress. My DH didn't want me to be a sahm until after the second kid came along and saw how unhappy and stressful our lives had become. So we made some changes that allowed me to be a sahm for a bit.

Now, I have a really flexible job. Best of both worlds.

Also, my DH was a city person, and I wasn't, especially after the kids came along. We compromised, and found a walkable suburb.

Unless you have deep rooted moral and life goal differences, like one person really wants kids and the other doesn't, you can make it work. Marriage is full of compromises.

sure. and the appropriate compromise here is that, assuming no SN kids and assuming op wants to go back to work, her DH compromises his "life view" and accepts OP going back to work. The compromise is not that OP stays home.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life has a funny way of changing people's perspective. I never ever thought I'd want to be a sahm. Still don't, but after the kids came along, I was torn in different directions. Life was stressful, so I quit and became a sahm for a year or so. I didn't love being sahm, but it was the best thing for our family at the time. It really reduced the stress. My DH didn't want me to be a sahm until after the second kid came along and saw how unhappy and stressful our lives had become. So we made some changes that allowed me to be a sahm for a bit.

Now, I have a really flexible job. Best of both worlds.

Also, my DH was a city person, and I wasn't, especially after the kids came along. We compromised, and found a walkable suburb.

Unless you have deep rooted moral and life goal differences, like one person really wants kids and the other doesn't, you can make it work. Marriage is full of compromises.

Staying home when you have kids solely because it's your dh preference is not a "compromise".

OP the stay at home mom crazies are out in full force today trying to justify their decision.

Whether you may or may not ultimately decide to stay home is totally irrelevant. what's relevant is whether your bf is listening to you and hearing your perspective and ultimately is willing to let YOU decide whether or not to work after kids.

People make different compromises. She can choose to stay home for a year, then he can if he thinks one parent being at home with the kids is so important. That's a compromise.

I was just sharing my experience of perspectives changing when you actually have kids, and not just the possibility. I never thought I would want a second child but after the first, my perspective on the one and done changed.

The way you feel and think now may not be how you think and feel later. Life changes, and if you want a happy marriage, you have to be willing to change and compromise. Marriages with either or both parties not changing, being flexible and uncompromising are the ones doomed for failure.

Anonymous wrote:Life has a funny way of changing people's perspective. I never ever thought I'd want to be a sahm. Still don't, but after the kids came along, I was torn in different directions. Life was stressful, so I quit and became a sahm for a year or so. I didn't love being sahm, but it was the best thing for our family at the time. It really reduced the stress. My DH didn't want me to be a sahm until after the second kid came along and saw how unhappy and stressful our lives had become. So we made some changes that allowed me to be a sahm for a bit.

Now, I have a really flexible job. Best of both worlds.

Also, my DH was a city person, and I wasn't, especially after the kids came along. We compromised, and found a walkable suburb.

Unless you have deep rooted moral and life goal differences, like one person really wants kids and the other doesn't, you can make it work. Marriage is full of compromises.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life has a funny way of changing people's perspective. I never ever thought I'd want to be a sahm. Still don't, but after the kids came along, I was torn in different directions. Life was stressful, so I quit and became a sahm for a year or so. I didn't love being sahm, but it was the best thing for our family at the time. It really reduced the stress. My DH didn't want me to be a sahm until after the second kid came along and saw how unhappy and stressful our lives had become. So we made some changes that allowed me to be a sahm for a bit.

Now, I have a really flexible job. Best of both worlds.

Also, my DH was a city person, and I wasn't, especially after the kids came along. We compromised, and found a walkable suburb.

Unless you have deep rooted moral and life goal differences, like one person really wants kids and the other doesn't, you can make it work. Marriage is full of compromises.

Staying home when you have kids solely because it's your dh preference is not a "compromise".

OP the stay at home mom crazies are out in full force today trying to justify their decision.

Whether you may or may not ultimately decide to stay home is totally irrelevant. what's relevant is whether your bf is listening to you and hearing your perspective and ultimately is willing to let YOU decide whether or not to work after kids.

Anonymous wrote:Life has a funny way of changing people's perspective. I never ever thought I'd want to be a sahm. Still don't, but after the kids came along, I was torn in different directions. Life was stressful, so I quit and became a sahm for a year or so. I didn't love being sahm, but it was the best thing for our family at the time. It really reduced the stress. My DH didn't want me to be a sahm until after the second kid came along and saw how unhappy and stressful our lives had become. So we made some changes that allowed me to be a sahm for a bit.

Now, I have a really flexible job. Best of both worlds.

Also, my DH was a city person, and I wasn't, especially after the kids came along. We compromised, and found a walkable suburb.

Unless you have deep rooted moral and life goal differences, like one person really wants kids and the other doesn't, you can make it work. Marriage is full of compromises.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP is a troll. Here she's the GF but it's the same author as the one where he's the husband and his wife wants to spend $200k more on the house in Chicago.

And the diaper wearing one, please let that be a troll, please.

OP here. Ew no. Never even read or clicked on that thread. Super gross. I don’t even believe kids over 2 should I be in diapers, let alone any adult.

Anonymous wrote:Have you considered staying at home with your potential children? It can actually be a really wonderful thing especially with a supportive husband.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP it sounds like you do not want to get married and give up your “freedom”. A lot of stuff changes once you have a kid but your reason for wanting to continue working are interesting.

It’s like you have one foot in and one foot out. You are hedging your bets because you think the marriage will fail. Would you want a spouse like that?

The city/suburb think will could after you have a kid...so may the SAH thing. It would be nice to have those options. Most people do not.

It does not sound like you are ready for marriage and kids...

Why doesn’t OP’s boyfriend want to stay at home?

Anonymous wrote:I’t hard to make decisions about kids when you don’t have them snd you haven’t bonded with them. You may change your mind once the baby is here.

Anonymous wrote:People, the issue here isn’t trying to convince OP that staying home with kids is what she might ultimately want.

Nor is the issue that her boyfriend wants a stay at home wife. That’s not my position, but it’s a reasonable one nonetheless.

The issue is her boyfriend is apparently not satisfied with her answer that she does not want to stay home. Clearly her bf is pushing this issue or op wouldn’t be concerned about it. If the bf simply said he’d ideally have a sahw but clearly the choice was with op, she wouldn’t be posting here. This is obviously a very big deal for the bf. And that’s the issue here: the bf is trying to control ops future career choices. Men can have whatever positions they want about stay at home wives. But ultimately if a woman wants to work, it’s her decision. If she wants to stay home, it’s a mutual decision. In a normal good relationship, the couple together weigh the pros and cons of who works and stays home. And if A wife doesn’t want to stay home, that’s a serious con that can’t be ignored. If the bf isn’t placing any value in that discussion on her desire to keep working, then THAT is the red flag. Not the fact that he idealizes stay at home moms.

So op if he’s taking a hard and fast line on this issue, run. Not because your future career/kid plans are incompatible. But because he’s a baby who’s unwilling to compromise, discuss, hear your feelings or place any value on your interests.

Anonymous wrote:OP it sounds like you do not want to get married and give up your “freedom”. A lot of stuff changes once you have a kid but your reason for wanting to continue working are interesting.

It’s like you have one foot in and one foot out. You are hedging your bets because you think the marriage will fail. Would you want a spouse like that?

The city/suburb think will could after you have a kid...so may the SAH thing. It would be nice to have those options. Most people do not.

It does not sound like you are ready for marriage and kids...