B-. They both did their best, but they didn't really teach us anything beyond being hard on us on doing good at school and getting into college. No life lessons, no stories from the childhood. But, they provided us a good home, good environment, no physical or verbal abuse.

Anonymous wrote:A.

We were spanked. We did not get what we wanted. They did not give into crying over rules we broke and got in trouble for. They had regular date nights without us. Today we are so close and I love them so much. I think it is utter crap that people on this board seem to think any amount of discipline and/or putting the parents’ marriage and needs before that of the child is abusive or somehow bad. We grew up respectful and my parents’ marriage is happy and intact today because it was the core foundation of our family.

I have a similar experience with my parents. They are amazing, and I feel very lucky. They prioritized the marriage and also had their own interests and activities, while always putting family first. Such good role models.

My one issue is that because they are such practical and down to earth people, I did not always feel that they were understanding about emotional things. I am a very emotional person, and their response was usually telling me to get over it.

The one thing I try to do differently with my own children is to always validate their feelings, at least initially. Instead of implying that they should get over it, we do a more positive redirect or try to think things through while acknowledging that their feelings are valid.

I’d give mine a D. They were physically and emotionally abusive, never took us to the doctor or dentist, but we never went hungry so there’s that.

A.

We were spanked. We did not get what we wanted. They did not give into crying over rules we broke and got in trouble for. They had regular date nights without us. Today we are so close and I love them so much. I think it is utter crap that people on this board seem to think any amount of discipline and/or putting the parents’ marriage and needs before that of the child is abusive or somehow bad. We grew up respectful and my parents’ marriage is happy and intact today because it was the core foundation of our family.

Anonymous wrote:I’m reflecting on the bar many of us hold ourselves to vs the parenting we had.

For example - id give my parents an A. I felt loved and secure, my mom spent time doing silly science experiments with us and create these amazing amazing bday parties. Both attended our events and worked very hard to give us opportunities to be well rounded people exposed to the broader world. As adults we all love each other, talk regularly and joyfully spend holiday together and plan family vacations together

However

My mom occasionally raged over who knows what (now I see it was frustration with my dads career marginalizing her own ambitions) and my brother and would go sprinting into our rooms, locking the door, and hiding under the beds terrified while she pounded on the door screaming “you f-ing b, get out here” (she never put a hand on us)

And my dad was military and emotionally checked out much of the time and I honestly have no recollection of whether he was home for most weeknight dinners or not

I feel like I hold myself and my husband to an impossible ideal my parents never lived up to yet when I think critically I think my parents did a really really good job and were humans
and all the good and bad that entails. And then I try to relax a little that despite my sometimes being human, my kids won’t just be fine, they’ll be some of the lucky ones (as I feel I was)

An A for that? Grade inflation!!

Anonymous wrote:I would love to see what your children will.sau about you in 25 years? Believe me, they will not consider you perfect or even close

Huh? Nothing in this thread suggests anyone thinks of themselves as perfect parents.

I would love to see what your children will.sau about you in 25 years? Believe me, they will not consider you perfect or even close

From birth to age 18, I'd give my mom an A, possibly an A+. She worked a pretty high-powered job where she was the only woman and she fought for part-time work when needed, teleworking (which was basically unheard of back then), and other benefits to support herself as a mom. From a career perspective, she was an amazing role model. She was also always available to me, and in fact acted a lot like a stay at home mom. What I learned later in life was that she'd work when I was at school and then again at night after I went to bed. She was otherwise there to take me to school most mornings (my dad did the others - I went to a private school with no bus), pick me up from school in the afternoon, and be there on the weekends. She cooked and baked a lot and threw me the best parties (and lots of them, not just for birthdays, but doll tea parties and pool parties for no reason and gingerbread house making parties, etc.). I learned later that she was a high-functioning alcoholic, and while she never endangered me or my brother (that I can recall), I did know at night sometimes she'd get a little "off." After I went to college things imploded in my parents' marriage, her drinking became worse, my brother (who was significantly younger) started having issues and it was drama all the time, with my mom all of a sudden always taking his side and seemingly against me. It was a bizarre turn of events, and our relationship has never recovered. She tries to be involved now that I have kids (from afar - she doesn't like to fly), but we just have zero relationship because at the point at which we could have become more friends and less mother/daughter, she turned on me. It makes me so sad to think that not only did I lose the great mom I had but my kids will never know her as that kind of grandma. Now she's just the one we visit occasionally for short periods of time. I don't know what to give her for my life as an adult because I know she has an illness and she does try. But I can't unhear some of the things she said to me when she was drunk and she's never been a mother figure to me as an adult.

My dad I'd give an A+ for my whole life. He has never raised his voice at me, we have never fought, he has always been my biggest supporter, and my husband and kids know how very much he loves them (as do I). When I realize how much he must have dealt with with my mom's drinking I can't even imagine what things must have been like for him. Despite being a trial lawyer, he was always very involved in what I was doing, he knew all of my friends and their parents, and we had a shared sport that we spent a lot of time doing together (him for fun and me competitively). He has never once spoken a bad word about my mom, for which I am very grateful. He makes a real effort to remain involved in my life and spends a lot of time with my kids. I couldn't ask for a better dad.

They get As. Not always employed at the same time, but were good at managing money so I had no earthly idea we were a bit poor. Retail and warehouse jobs with irregular schedules usually left me as a latchkey kid. Still, we had dinner together often, help with homework, always attended my sporting events. They paid for my undergrad.

The icky part is that they’re pretty judgmental. I was constantly being compared to other kids and being told how embarrassing it was for my performance to be average. They’ve lightened up since then. They’re fabulous grandparents

Anonymous wrote:A

I'm sure this is colored by my relationship with them now. As a teenager or twenty-something I could name all kinds of things they did wrong. Now I see why they did them, I have more empathy for them as individual people, not just my parents.

Example: my mom was very independent. She had a strong career, hobbies, friendships. The result is that I had a lot of time on my own. By some measures she was a bit neglectful. I was on my own a lot more than any of my friends. By age 14 I was spending weekends home alone, by 16 I was home alone for a week. I felt lost at times. But she also taught me Independence - both through example, and by forcing me to take care of myself. Good parenting? I don't know. But as an adult, when people ask me about my inspirations and motivations to do some of the really cool things I'm doing (which I love), I have to point to my mom. She inspired and pushed me, even if it wasn't always fun at the time.

Do you think that's why she left you alone a lot? I'm curious because it seems almost like you ended up being inspired as a result of what she did but not because that's what she was going for - it sounds like she was more doing what she wanted and got lucky that it resulted in you being independent. I'm not being critical, I'm just curious. I hope you don't take offense to my question.

Anonymous wrote:I struggle with this a lot. I rate my parents an F. I was physically and emotionally abused. Out of their 3 children, none of us graduated high school. All of us have been suicidal, one was successful. I have a novel full of traumatic stories to tell but I think the worst thing was the day to day misery. My mother was clearly battling some undiagnosed mental illnesses and life with her was terrifying and unpredictable. My father turned a blind eye and was rarely present. No one knew and no one helped us.

I’m so sorry. My childhood was similar and I lost a brother to mental illness by suicide. I am so glad you survived. Do you have supports now?

I’d give my parents an A. And an A+ as parents of me as an adult. I had an ideal childhood with anything I ever wanted. They loved me so much and were always interested in my life. We had dinner 7 nights a week, they read to me nightly and did anything they could do to help me feel secure, loved and to succeed. The only thing that was bad was my relationship with my sibling. I was older and anytime anything went wrong between us I was blamed. Sibling was the golden child and was very much favored. She was blonde and much better looking. The tables turned when I went to college. Sibling doesn’t talk to my parents or me now. She’s sort of a recluse now.

My parents are excellent parents and grandparents now. They’re just so interested in the minutiae of my life. Helpful but not pushy. They babysit and were there for me postpartum.

Anonymous wrote:I’m reflecting on the bar many of us hold ourselves to vs the parenting we had.

For example - id give my parents an A. I felt loved and secure, my mom spent time doing silly science experiments with us and create these amazing amazing bday parties. Both attended our events and worked very hard to give us opportunities to be well rounded people exposed to the broader world. As adults we all love each other, talk regularly and joyfully spend holiday together and plan family vacations together

However

My mom occasionally raged over who knows what (now I see it was frustration with my dads career marginalizing her own ambitions) and my brother and would go sprinting into our rooms, locking the door, and hiding under the beds terrified while she pounded on the door screaming “you f-ing b, get out here” (she never put a hand on us)

And my dad was military and emotionally checked out much of the time and I honestly have no recollection of whether he was home for most weeknight dinners or not

I feel like I hold myself and my husband to an impossible ideal my parents never lived up to yet when I think critically I think my parents did a really really good job and were human and all the good and bad that entails. And then I try to relax a little that despite my sometimes being human, my kids won’t just be fine, they’ll be some of the lucky ones (as I feel I was)

A "D".

My mom is a child in an adult body (she has had her share of trauma growing up, but I didn't ask for it). She would physically punish us, give us the silent treatment, and always made things about "her". Dad was better but never really stood up to her either.

F to my father. Always full of rage, physically abusive, and had a secret second family I found out about in my 20s. Died of a drug overdose when I was 8 and as terrible as it sounds, I sincerely believe it was for the best for our family.

B to my mother. She also had a drug problem (recovered now) so we were poor, childhood was unstable, and I was terrified for her health for most of my teen/early adult years when I finally figured out what was going on, which left its mark. But she's the kindest and most generous person I know, despite never having had much. And she did everything she could to push me to succeed, even with the addiction. I think she did the best she could.

My kid is being raised in a very different environment than I grew up in. DH and I are both attorneys with good incomes, and I'll be honest I worry about raising her with that kind of relative privilege. I'm glad she's provided for, but it's just a different kind of life. That said, I am very grateful that she's growing up in a stable and loving home, with a father who could not be more different than mine. I get very emotional thinking about her good relationship with my DH.

I think one thing I take away from my relationship with my parents is how important it is just be patient and kind with kids. With my dad there was always so much fear and hostility around him and those are the kind of memories that last. With my mom, even though she had her own issues, just having someone you didn't have to walk on eggshells around because she'd literally never lose her patience was a big deal.

Those of you with good families are so lucky. I'm always glad to hear that others actually had good childhoods.