Anonymous
Post 01/09/2020 14:32     Subject: Am I sensitive or was there ill-intent?
Anonymous wrote:My SIL would say to your MIL "Your heart is in the right place, but this is hurtful." She's a better person than I am because.....

I would say "F*$& YOU!"

I have not patience for the whole good-intentions-bad-delivery thing. YOU are recovering from childbirth---only 3 weeks ago! YOU are trying to adjust to this needy little newborn. YOU need support, emotionally and physically, not not have people openly questions and judging you, which is what your MIL is doing. There's a way to show support for a new mom struggling with BFing--that's so not what your MIL is doing.

Let's put aside, MIL and her ill-mannered self. Are you taking care of you? Have you been able to see a lactation consultant? Has baby been evaluated for various latch issues? Is someone around to quite literally support you--bringing you tons of water, healthy food, take baby off your hands so you can sleep or pump or take a shower? Do you need MIL around less? I know my MIL sets me on edge and I cannot imagine having her around constantly in those early days.


Some of you new moms crack me up. You act like giving birth is like brain surgery. Yes, it’s a painful experience, but at 3 weeks out, I dressed and went to a work meeting. My friends were mostly recovered by week two. Some of you act like it takes months to recover. It’s the rare childbirth that is so horrible to recover from. I always chuckle at those who make it out to be some long, harrowing experience. It’s an excuse to just lay in bed.....which you definitely have the right to do, and should do if you can. But don’t act like you had some serious illness and operation. It really is silly.
Anonymous
Post 01/09/2020 14:30     Subject: Am I sensitive or was there ill-intent?
Op, tell her directly and sternly: mil, I appreciate your concern but please do not say anything more about this. My dh, my doctor and I are monitoring baby's weight/health. Your comments just make me feel like you're judging me. I will let you know if our decision changes.

If she protests ("I'm just trying to help..."), Listen to her, don't get huffy and defensive, but say directly "I appreciate your intentions. But I don't want to hear another word about it. "

This approach worked with my pushy mom and pushy mil with very similar situations. If they have even a shred of decency regarding human interaction, they shut up.
Anonymous
Post 01/09/2020 14:30     Subject: Am I sensitive or was there ill-intent?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You are being understandably sensitive. But as an outsider with kids beyond that stage, I can also imagine MIL's point of view. You are putting a lot of effort into something she chose not to do, or was unable to do. She might be feeling self-conscious, or even have feelings of regret and guilt. Giving you formula might be a away to push those feeling aside. On the other hand, maybe she has no regrets about not breastfeeding and hopes that she could help you feel better about a possible scenario in which you switch to formula. In either case, it's about her, not you.


Which sucks for OP, because this is a time that a woman really needs it to be about her and have the people around her focus on her. Instead, OP has to deal with a MIL who is all about herself.


Sometimes focusing on a post-partum mother means encouraging her not to be so hard on herself. What do you think a medical professional or husband should do if the mother is running herself ragged insisting on breastfeeding? Or if the baby is not thriving? It's attitudes like "focus on the mother, who is operating under extreme ideological pressures!" that really get me.


Only about 2% of women and infants have medical reasons precluding them from breastfeeding. Breastfeeding in the early weeks is a struggle for both mom and baby, until they both achieve mastery and establish milk supply. Struggle is a completely normal thing and baby and parents will struggle through many developmental phases. Sleep training is just around the corner...
Anonymous
Post 01/09/2020 14:28     Subject: Am I sensitive or was there ill-intent?
Anonymous wrote:I was you OP, except MIL was my mom. She didn't breastfeed (my brother and I are adopted) so all she saw was a daughter who was struggling with breastfeeding (and adjusting to life with a newborn) and since she didn't do it, it seemed kind of silly to put myself through it when there is a perfectly good alternative. I was a little annoyed, but it came from a place of hormones and being frustrated about my difficulty breastfeeding.

At 3 months DH practically begged me to switch to formula. While I had enough supply, I was killing myself between feeds and pumping. I finally stopped at 5 months.

Looking back, I wish I had cracked open that formula when my mom brought it. So much time wasted on stress.

I do find it funny that a PP said this board isn't breastfeeding friendly. It must be a recent shift because it used.to be VERY anti formula


Interestingly, that generation or two that didn’t breastfeed is one of the things that makes breastfeeding harder today — those grandmoms have no experience to share. Which is why lactation consultants can be such a godsend — sharing knowledge that used to be passed down.
Anonymous
Post 01/09/2020 14:23     Subject: Re:Am I sensitive or was there ill-intent?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Poster above.

I disagree with others saying you ate being “too” sensitive. It is a sensitive time for many good reasons. Others atound you should be extra-sensitive too!

I don’t blame you for your feelings, though I too think you just have to push them outof your focus.


Disagree. I think OP needs to interrogate her feelings, and ask why she is having this reaction over a simple act that she's going to be repeating over and over again for 18 years: feeding her child. There is NO reason that feeding a child EVER needs to be a "struggle." Zero reason. OP needs to ask herself on what basis she is CHOSING to engage in this self-described struggle to feed her child. What information, ideals, and values are driving her to chose to struggle, when there are other options that are perfectly fine (formula)? What's the cost/benefit?


You're being incredibly simplistic and dismissive here, and portraying significantly more ill-intent than OP's MIL. Feeding a newborn is profoundly fraught, breastfeeding is portrayed as not only healthy ("gold standard") and natural, but formula feeding is portrayed as selfish, ignorant, and a failure on the mom's part (to either understand the wonders of BF or to have a "perfectly natural!" body that creates enough milk to keep a baby alive and thriving). Add in huge hormone swings, sleep deprivation, and recovery from any form of childbirth, and your insistence that this is a simple act that no one should ever struggle with is, well, stupid.

Also the word you're looking for is "choose/choosing."


You seem to be missing the point. Feeding a newborn should NOT be "profoundly fraught.' No more than feeding your child at any other point in their lives. You feed the baby. If breastfeeding doesn't work and is a self-described "struggle," then you need to think about why this basic parenting act (feeding) has become so hard.


At least you're consistent. Simplistic, dismissive, and oblivious to the concept of human emotions, but consistently!


Wait til your kids are older.
- new poster


I am not OP. I do not have a newborn. I do have a memory and empathy, and understand that there is a difference between deciding between formula and breastfeeding 3 weeks postpartum and deciding between Chikfila and Chipotle on the way to a tournament.


The difference is created by myriad pressures that are irrational. The decision to breastfeed or bottle feed actually should not be any different from school lunch vs home lunch.


But it’s not that simple if you conclude breastfeeding to be somewhat superior. I think that. Ignoring the inconclusive debate over nutritional issues, breastfeeding is ultimately mu h more convenient. And both my children had food and dairy sensitivities that made formula and, later, milk problematic.

I’m the poster from the first page that struggled for 6 weeks until my baby suddenly got it. Many of you would have thought I was insane, but I was determined at the time for many reasons. But not only did I bf that baby more than 1 year, I breastfed my second child for more than a year. I’m doubtful that the second round would have worked so well if the first round never succeeded. 6 weeks of misery for 2.5 years combined of breastfeeding was worth it to me.
Anonymous
Post 01/09/2020 14:22     Subject: Am I sensitive or was there ill-intent?
Anonymous wrote:I’m currently breastfeeding but we are struggling. I’m choosing to stick with it three more weeks until baby is 6 weeks old. Baby has some latching issues we are working on but I’m pretty much exclusively pumping at this point. My MIL has been present during and is aware of the struggles, and she’s been pretty vocal about how she feels BFing isn’t necessary, baby will be fine if I choose to switch to formula, etc. She didn’t BF. She showed up to visit yesterday and before she left she pulled out a tub of formula. She have it to me and told me basically, here’s this, one day you might get desperate, and you’ll have it. I’m pretty pissed off about the whole thing. DH says to ignore it, she’s just trying to help. I feel she’s trying to insert herself and thinks she’s right. Before I proceed, am I just being sensitive?


She was actually trying to support you if it doesn’t work out. Good god.
Anonymous
Post 01/09/2020 14:21     Subject: Am I sensitive or was there ill-intent?
I was you OP, except MIL was my mom. She didn't breastfeed (my brother and I are adopted) so all she saw was a daughter who was struggling with breastfeeding (and adjusting to life with a newborn) and since she didn't do it, it seemed kind of silly to put myself through it when there is a perfectly good alternative. I was a little annoyed, but it came from a place of hormones and being frustrated about my difficulty breastfeeding.

At 3 months DH practically begged me to switch to formula. While I had enough supply, I was killing myself between feeds and pumping. I finally stopped at 5 months.

Looking back, I wish I had cracked open that formula when my mom brought it. So much time wasted on stress.

I do find it funny that a PP said this board isn't breastfeeding friendly. It must be a recent shift because it used.to be VERY anti formula
Anonymous
Post 01/09/2020 14:19     Subject: Am I sensitive or was there ill-intent?
Anonymous wrote:I’m currently breastfeeding but we are struggling. I’m choosing to stick with it three more weeks until baby is 6 weeks old. Baby has some latching issues we are working on but I’m pretty much exclusively pumping at this point. My MIL has been present during and is aware of the struggles, and she’s been pretty vocal about how she feels BFing isn’t necessary, baby will be fine if I choose to switch to formula, etc. She didn’t BF. She showed up to visit yesterday and before she left she pulled out a tub of formula. She have it to me and told me basically, here’s this, one day you might get desperate, and you’ll have it. I’m pretty pissed off about the whole thing. DH says to ignore it, she’s just trying to help. I feel she’s trying to insert herself and thinks she’s right. Before I proceed, am I just being sensitive?


If she's otherwise decent then I think you're being sensitive and she's trying to support you because she knows you're disappointed the BFing isn't going well.
Anonymous
Post 01/09/2020 14:16     Subject: Re:Am I sensitive or was there ill-intent?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Poster above.

I disagree with others saying you ate being “too” sensitive. It is a sensitive time for many good reasons. Others atound you should be extra-sensitive too!

I don’t blame you for your feelings, though I too think you just have to push them outof your focus.


Disagree. I think OP needs to interrogate her feelings, and ask why she is having this reaction over a simple act that she's going to be repeating over and over again for 18 years: feeding her child. There is NO reason that feeding a child EVER needs to be a "struggle." Zero reason. OP needs to ask herself on what basis she is CHOSING to engage in this self-described struggle to feed her child. What information, ideals, and values are driving her to chose to struggle, when there are other options that are perfectly fine (formula)? What's the cost/benefit?


You're being incredibly simplistic and dismissive here, and portraying significantly more ill-intent than OP's MIL. Feeding a newborn is profoundly fraught, breastfeeding is portrayed as not only healthy ("gold standard") and natural, but formula feeding is portrayed as selfish, ignorant, and a failure on the mom's part (to either understand the wonders of BF or to have a "perfectly natural!" body that creates enough milk to keep a baby alive and thriving). Add in huge hormone swings, sleep deprivation, and recovery from any form of childbirth, and your insistence that this is a simple act that no one should ever struggle with is, well, stupid.

Also the word you're looking for is "choose/choosing."


You seem to be missing the point. Feeding a newborn should NOT be "profoundly fraught.' No more than feeding your child at any other point in their lives. You feed the baby. If breastfeeding doesn't work and is a self-described "struggle," then you need to think about why this basic parenting act (feeding) has become so hard.


At least you're consistent. Simplistic, dismissive, and oblivious to the concept of human emotions, but consistently!


Wait til your kids are older.
- new poster


I am not OP. I do not have a newborn. I do have a memory and empathy, and understand that there is a difference between deciding between formula and breastfeeding 3 weeks postpartum and deciding between Chikfila and Chipotle on the way to a tournament.


The difference is created by myriad pressures that are irrational. The decision to breastfeed or bottle feed actually should not be any different from school lunch vs home lunch.


+1
Anonymous
Post 01/09/2020 14:14     Subject: Am I sensitive or was there ill-intent?
I breastfed because my mom helped me through it. If my mil had anything to do with it she would not have cared.
Anonymous
Post 01/09/2020 14:13     Subject: Re:Am I sensitive or was there ill-intent?
Anonymous wrote:Poster above.

I disagree with others saying you ate being “too” sensitive. It is a sensitive time for many good reasons. Others atound you should be extra-sensitive too!

I don’t blame you for your feelings, though I too think you just have to push them outof your focus.


+1
Agreed.
Also, regardless of what she did, she needs to support your choice and help you become successful. The health of her grandchild should be important to her. There is no reason for her to get into struggle to prove that she was a better mother. This is not about that at all.
Anonymous
Post 01/09/2020 14:13     Subject: Am I sensitive or was there ill-intent?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You are being understandably sensitive. But as an outsider with kids beyond that stage, I can also imagine MIL's point of view. You are putting a lot of effort into something she chose not to do, or was unable to do. She might be feeling self-conscious, or even have feelings of regret and guilt. Giving you formula might be a away to push those feeling aside. On the other hand, maybe she has no regrets about not breastfeeding and hopes that she could help you feel better about a possible scenario in which you switch to formula. In either case, it's about her, not you.


Which sucks for OP, because this is a time that a woman really needs it to be about her and have the people around her focus on her. Instead, OP has to deal with a MIL who is all about herself.


Sometimes focusing on a post-partum mother means encouraging her not to be so hard on herself. What do you think a medical professional or husband should do if the mother is running herself ragged insisting on breastfeeding? Or if the baby is not thriving? It's attitudes like "focus on the mother, who is operating under extreme ideological pressures!" that really get me.
Anonymous
Post 01/09/2020 14:12     Subject: Re:Am I sensitive or was there ill-intent?
Anonymous wrote:


huh? I mean ... if OP were staying up all night sobbing while grinding flour to make home-made bread for the entire family every night, I would hope someone would try to talk sense into her. Same thing with the breastfeeding here. it's food; not an emotional crucible test of your parenting. if it is emotionally fraught, then that's your sign to think about whether something is wrong overall; not to double down on insisting on the emotional fraughtness.

Can you imagine the nerve of a MIL handing the mom a loaf of store-bought bread in this instance?
Anonymous
Post 01/09/2020 14:11     Subject: Re:Am I sensitive or was there ill-intent?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Poster above.

I disagree with others saying you ate being “too” sensitive. It is a sensitive time for many good reasons. Others atound you should be extra-sensitive too!

I don’t blame you for your feelings, though I too think you just have to push them outof your focus.


Disagree. I think OP needs to interrogate her feelings, and ask why she is having this reaction over a simple act that she's going to be repeating over and over again for 18 years: feeding her child. There is NO reason that feeding a child EVER needs to be a "struggle." Zero reason. OP needs to ask herself on what basis she is CHOSING to engage in this self-described struggle to feed her child. What information, ideals, and values are driving her to chose to struggle, when there are other options that are perfectly fine (formula)? What's the cost/benefit?


You're being incredibly simplistic and dismissive here, and portraying significantly more ill-intent than OP's MIL. Feeding a newborn is profoundly fraught, breastfeeding is portrayed as not only healthy ("gold standard") and natural, but formula feeding is portrayed as selfish, ignorant, and a failure on the mom's part (to either understand the wonders of BF or to have a "perfectly natural!" body that creates enough milk to keep a baby alive and thriving). Add in huge hormone swings, sleep deprivation, and recovery from any form of childbirth, and your insistence that this is a simple act that no one should ever struggle with is, well, stupid.

Also the word you're looking for is "choose/choosing."


You seem to be missing the point. Feeding a newborn should NOT be "profoundly fraught.' No more than feeding your child at any other point in their lives. You feed the baby. If breastfeeding doesn't work and is a self-described "struggle," then you need to think about why this basic parenting act (feeding) has become so hard.


At least you're consistent. Simplistic, dismissive, and oblivious to the concept of human emotions, but consistently!


Wait til your kids are older.
- new poster


I am not OP. I do not have a newborn. I do have a memory and empathy, and understand that there is a difference between deciding between formula and breastfeeding 3 weeks postpartum and deciding between Chikfila and Chipotle on the way to a tournament.


The difference is created by myriad pressures that are irrational. The decision to breastfeed or bottle feed actually should not be any different from school lunch vs home lunch.
Anonymous
Post 01/09/2020 14:10     Subject: Re:Am I sensitive or was there ill-intent?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Poster above.

I disagree with others saying you ate being “too” sensitive. It is a sensitive time for many good reasons. Others atound you should be extra-sensitive too!

I don’t blame you for your feelings, though I too think you just have to push them outof your focus.


Disagree. I think OP needs to interrogate her feelings, and ask why she is having this reaction over a simple act that she's going to be repeating over and over again for 18 years: feeding her child. There is NO reason that feeding a child EVER needs to be a "struggle." Zero reason. OP needs to ask herself on what basis she is CHOSING to engage in this self-described struggle to feed her child. What information, ideals, and values are driving her to chose to struggle, when there are other options that are perfectly fine (formula)? What's the cost/benefit?


What a load of crap. The baby is 3 weeks old and it’s 2 big things in life are sleeping and eating. She has been preparing for this stage for months, but has little control over all plays out. It’s a tricky time, and OP is surely running on fumes.

This stage has nothing to do with the future of feeding her child from 6 months on.

OP, again, don’t worry about all the judgment you’ll find here. Get advice from the Breastfeeding Center of Washington if you are in the area, and otherwise get a good lactation consultant. You deserve support in this process.


Of COURSE she has control over how to feed the baby! That's the whole point! There is no need to struggle, and she needs to ask herself why she is CHOOSING to struggle!


Because OP has assessed the information and has come to a different conclusion than you. She thinks breastfeeding is not completely equivalent to bottle -feeding and thinks breastfeeding is worth some level of effort. You, along with MIL, should go debate the pros and cons of breastfeeding and level of “worth-it-ness” elsewhere.

And why are you shouting?


there's a huge difference between "some level of effort" and a self-described "struggle to feed the baby."