Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

ZachF wrote:BTDT and wish I had some advice for you. I understand your pain and the hopeless feelings. IN my case, she was also an alcoholic and that's how she self-medicated, while refusing to even consider any kind of prescription even see a doctor. It did not end well but at least I got my kinds away from her.

Good luck to you. You will get a lot of people telling you to just hang in there, don't abandon her, get her the help and magic pills she needs to bring her back to reality, but the reality is, she needs to help herself and if she isn't willing, you really can't do much at all. You need to get mentally healthy yourself and get your children away from that toxic environment.

I'm a woman, and I agree with this.

I’m another woman who agrees. As someone who struggles with mental illness, it is on me to make sure that I’m getting the appropriate treatment and I’m on the appropriate medication that allows me to be a functioning and productive member of my family. Of course is wonderful if OP is supportive but to suggest this is all on him is ludicrous. If you have a disease you work to get help.

Anonymous wrote:

ZachF wrote:BTDT and wish I had some advice for you. I understand your pain and the hopeless feelings. IN my case, she was also an alcoholic and that's how she self-medicated, while refusing to even consider any kind of prescription even see a doctor. It did not end well but at least I got my kinds away from her.

Good luck to you. You will get a lot of people telling you to just hang in there, don't abandon her, get her the help and magic pills she needs to bring her back to reality, but the reality is, she needs to help herself and if she isn't willing, you really can't do much at all. You need to get mentally healthy yourself and get your children away from that toxic environment.

I'm a woman, and I agree with this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depression is a medical illness. What have you done to help her manage her depression in terms of encouraging medication or therapy? You know, that whole in sickness and in health thing? You can’t complain if you haven’t truly helped. People with depression often are unable to take the initiative to get medical help themselves.

+1. OP, it's concerning that your wife is seriously ill and you want to cut and run. You realize suicide is a side effect of depression, correct? Help her. Do more. Do better. Yes, it's very hard on you I have no doubt. Get yourself into therapy and do whatever self care you can. But she is ILL. You don't just leave.

+1. OP, it sounds like that you want her to forgive your changes in the marriage (health condition, weight gain) but you don't want to forgive and understand what she is going through. I think you need to take a step back and read your posts. You don't seem to hear what your wife is saying because you are in your head space for the most part. She told you that you are not understanding what she needs but you are discounting that.

This is a medical issue that needs to be fixed. You have a medical issue and she is not leaving you for it but you are considering leaving her for her issue? How are you helping your family by leaving? How would you be helping yourself by leaving: you will need to pay alimony for a sick spouse, pay child support, and sharing your kids with a spouse who isn't medically at her best. It's worth it to figure this out for you as well as your family.

I think she needs different/better medical and psychological help, you need to go to counseling that can help you through this (as opposed to finding a counselor who will tell you to bail), and you two need communication help since neither of you feel heard.

You've got this OP. Make your goal finding a solution instead of inward focus on only you/your thoughts.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depression is a medical illness. What have you done to help her manage her depression in terms of encouraging medication or therapy? You know, that whole in sickness and in health thing? You can’t complain if you haven’t truly helped. People with depression often are unable to take the initiative to get medical help themselves.

+1. OP, it's concerning that your wife is seriously ill and you want to cut and run. You realize suicide is a side effect of depression, correct? Help her. Do more. Do better. Yes, it's very hard on you I have no doubt. Get yourself into therapy and do whatever self care you can. But she is ILL. You don't just leave.

You are one of DCUM's resident abuse-defenders, aren't you? You excuse any behavior from a mentally ill person, even abuse, because they are ill.

He has a duty to protect his children. The needs of the ill person do not trump everything, despite what you want to believe.

Being depressed is abusive? Who are you? If you were bed ridden with cancer, would you want your spouse to abandon you? Good for you that you have never experienced debilitating depression, but that doesn't mean you get to call her an abuser.

ZachF wrote:BTDT and wish I had some advice for you. I understand your pain and the hopeless feelings. IN my case, she was also an alcoholic and that's how she self-medicated, while refusing to even consider any kind of prescription even see a doctor. It did not end well but at least I got my kinds away from her.

Good luck to you. You will get a lot of people telling you to just hang in there, don't abandon her, get her the help and magic pills she needs to bring her back to reality, but the reality is, she needs to help herself and if she isn't willing, you really can't do much at all. You need to get mentally healthy yourself and get your children away from that toxic environment.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depression is a medical illness. What have you done to help her manage her depression in terms of encouraging medication or therapy? You know, that whole in sickness and in health thing? You can’t complain if you haven’t truly helped. People with depression often are unable to take the initiative to get medical help themselves.

+1. OP, it's concerning that your wife is seriously ill and you want to cut and run. You realize suicide is a side effect of depression, correct? Help her. Do more. Do better. Yes, it's very hard on you I have no doubt. Get yourself into therapy and do whatever self care you can. But she is ILL. You don't just leave.

Anonymous wrote:If she refuses to get help, I'd work on the exit strategy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depression is a medical illness. What have you done to help her manage her depression in terms of encouraging medication or therapy? You know, that whole in sickness and in health thing? You can’t complain if you haven’t truly helped. People with depression often are unable to take the initiative to get medical help themselves.

+1. OP, it's concerning that your wife is seriously ill and you want to cut and run. You realize suicide is a side effect of depression, correct? Help her. Do more. Do better. Yes, it's very hard on you I have no doubt. Get yourself into therapy and do whatever self care you can. But she is ILL. You don't just leave.

You are one of DCUM's resident abuse-defenders, aren't you? You excuse any behavior from a mentally ill person, even abuse, because they are ill.

He has a duty to protect his children. The needs of the ill person do not trump everything, despite what you want to believe.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she was once vibrant she is ILL. Get her medical help. Don’t waste your time whining on an anonymous forum. Jesus.

Yep, it's all your fault OP. Thanks for the medical diagnosis, doc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depression is a medical illness. What have you done to help her manage her depression in terms of encouraging medication or therapy? You know, that whole in sickness and in health thing? You can’t complain if you haven’t truly helped. People with depression often are unable to take the initiative to get medical help themselves.

+1. OP, it's concerning that your wife is seriously ill and you want to cut and run. You realize suicide is a side effect of depression, correct? Help her. Do more. Do better. Yes, it's very hard on you I have no doubt. Get yourself into therapy and do whatever self care you can. But she is ILL. You don't just leave.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry things are like this and so rough. You know this already, but you can only do so much to help someone with their own mental health issues.

If you haven't already (I've not read the entire thread), it might not be a bad idea to seek your own counseling.

THank you for this.

FOr instance, I suggest going to work out, separately or together. I pick a class or gym for us to attend. She shrugs shoulders. I suggest or pick out an activity to do with the kids- museum, show type thing. She shrugs shoulders and either stays home alone or begrudgingly goes, checked out the whole time.

I cannot and should not live like this. You cannot fix someone who does not want to be helped or who is unwilling to take help/steps that are offered.

But I can't bear to do this to my kids right now, who are so young. And the thought of 2 homes and the financial upheaval is no good option.

Anonymous wrote:Depression is a medical illness. What have you done to help her manage her depression in terms of encouraging medication or therapy? You know, that whole in sickness and in health thing? You can’t complain if you haven’t truly helped. People with depression often are unable to take the initiative to get medical help themselves.

Anonymous wrote:She should temporarily move out and figure out a way to get better on her own. Either she will, and she can return (if she still wants to), or she will get worse (because loneliness). Living alone will also help you to reevaluate whether that's better than living with a person who only carries 20% of load at home (as you said).

As other people said, she also needs different therapist/psychiatrist/meds, because current ones aren't working.

Meanwhile, it wouldn't hurt for you to see if you can get in better shape, for health reasons. (Don't go crazy with weight loss, because the pounds will often come back, but improving lifestyle and less stress could really help.)