Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To not think about chores or anything regarding effort as 50/50. Do what you can. Some days you can do 75% and some days they can. It’s not about keeping score. Luckily, I am with someone who also thinks this way and doesn’t take advantage of it.

This is very good advice. Thank you.

Yes very good advice and if your spouse is going through something I try to ease the workload at home and do more. Little acts of kindness go a long way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stopped making negative comments. It's something that had bothered DH since dating -- i was not pessimistic, but grew up in a family where we nonstop criticized others. Have made a concerted effort to stop doing it. DH notices and i think it makes me feel better plus makes him happier and less annoyed with me. I really notice how much my parents do it now, and it drives me crazy.

Yes, this. I’ve never been really terrible with it, but I just want to make an effort to be loving and respectful to my husband. So when I want to roll my eyes or make a comment I try to pause and ask myself is anything good going to come of this? And if not, I keep it to myself. My husband deserves kindness.

This, I strive for kindness and I try to listen, really listen.

Anonymous wrote:I became more sexually adventurous (not kinky or swapping) and it had a very positive impact. I also found I really enjoyed it!

21.32 here: To add this is actually really important. I have done this as well. Anything goes (minus other people) and it's been a great impact.

I thought I would fix my in-law problems by talking to DH about it. I thought he should be the one to handle it because it was his family. He thought I was criticising his parents and was defensive, it led to arguments.

So I read a ton of stuff to help myself cope and learn strategies to deal with the situation and stopped talking to my Dh about it, ie complaining to him about it.

I dealt with the situation myself and it has alleviated a lot of our stress. It also resolved the situation with the in-laws.

I became more sexually adventurous (not kinky or swapping) and it had a very positive impact. I also found I really enjoyed it!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whether it’s a mindset or a behavior, what’s the positive change you’ve made that has improved your relationship

(Please don’t turn this into a depressing martyr thread of “I got an affair partner” or “I gave up on him ever caring about my needs and am biding my time to divorce, there are 1000 threads for that, I’m curious about how people made themselves the best partner / marriage they could be)

A decision about my attitude. To accept my husband as is. To love unconditionally the way I want to be loved. To see the flaws and embrace them. To realize he was here on this earth decades before me and he managed quite well without my help. Not nitpicking. It makes for a beautiful life.

Are you me???? I love my husband and laugh and laugh now at his quirks and Peculiarities

I made myself stop and think before responding to a suggestion by my DW.

Instead of instantly saying something contrary ("We don't need to do that." or "No, I think we should...") I take a second to ask myself "Do I really care about this?" Most of the time, I honestly don't. I have an opinion, but it isn't worth arguing.

So we go to the gas station before we go to the store, even though the store is closer... who cares?

It's actually become so much nicer not arguing over things that just don't matter.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I quit my corporate career and started my own consulting business to be closer to home and our three young children. It made our lives so much easier and the good news was that my business did really well. Ending the juggling of our work and business travel schedule eliminated a lot of tension. Our marriage was strong but my career move meant our home life was more relaxed but still chaotic.

I'm considering making this move. How many hours a week did you end up working on the consulting time? Were you the primary earner? Primary parent?

We had a nanny pre and post the change and I probably put in 30 hours a week initially in a home office and then I rented office space. I was not the primary earner but my income was not insignificant! I was the primary parent though my husband was a very engaged Dad. I was lucky in that my husband was incredibly supportive of whatever I wanted to do but deep down I know he was happy with the career move I made. It worked out for all of us.

gave up my ass, it was a game changer.

Anonymous wrote:I quit my corporate career and started my own consulting business to be closer to home and our three young children. It made our lives so much easier and the good news was that my business did really well. Ending the juggling of our work and business travel schedule eliminated a lot of tension. Our marriage was strong but my career move meant our home life was more relaxed but still chaotic.

I'm considering making this move. How many hours a week did you end up working on the consulting time? Were you the primary earner? Primary parent?

I know this will sound terrible but here goes.....from my late dear father I had "inherited" fatty bags under my eyes and a turkey neck and what I saw in the mirror depressed me so I had them taken care of. I felt so much better about myself and that had a positive effect on our marriage. I'm sure my husband would have liked for me to have had a boob job but that wasn't going to happen!

I quit my corporate career and started my own consulting business to be closer to home and our three young children. It made our lives so much easier and the good news was that my business did really well. Ending the juggling of our work and business travel schedule eliminated a lot of tension. Our marriage was strong but my career move meant our home life was more relaxed but still chaotic.

Started really appreciating how giving and forgiving he is, which helped me to reciprocate. I think I was always kind of keeping a tally in my head of who had f*cked up more or more recently, and then I did something really stupid, that if he had done it instead of me, I would have been furious for weeks, and he just ... forgave me. I realized I was keeping tabs in a game he wasn't playing, and I'd rather have a marriage modeled on his attitude than mine. A couple of times he's done something that almost sets me off, and I think back to that incident that made me realize he was being so much more generous than I'm inclined to be, and I just let it go.

This was maybe 3 years ago? It has been a really good adjustment.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very interesting responses. I see some repeated that I am going to try:

Accept and appreciate your spouse.
Respect and support your spouse.
Listen to and acknowledge your spouse.
If you feel like your spouse isn’t doing this for you, calmly tell them your concerns.

For those that have successfully done #1 - how were you able to do it? Every day I give myself a pep talk that I will be positive and within 20min I find myself angry that dh is fiddling on his phone in the corner while I’m trying to juggle two toddlers, get breakfast, pack for daycare etc etc etc.

I think it will be hard for you to do the first three things if your spouse doesn't do them for you. I'd suggest that you start by talking to your spouse about how you WANT to have an appreciative, loving relationship, but instead you feel a lot of resentment about uneven distribution of parenting work/no time for yourself/too much stress on you (however you want to describe what's going on in the instant you described). Try to phrase it all in "I" statements: "When I'm rushing around trying to get everything ready in the morning, I feel so angry and stressed" etc. Don't start in with "you" statements: "You fiddle with your phone and you leave all the work to me!" You can go to a marriage counselor and have them facilitate the conversation if you need help talking through it calmly and effectively. (No shame in that at all!)

This is the best thread I’ve seen in awhile. Keep posting please!