Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Curious who handles all the bills and finances of the household? In most I know it’s the dads, is that typical?

As we close in on the year 2020, there really shouldn't be that many bills to handle. You can pay for most things on credit cards and then autopay the full balance every month (obviously the cardholder should be looking through periodically to make sure the expenses are valid). Mortgage payments, utilities, etc. can be automated as well. Handling the overall financial picture is not something that requires day to day input either. Maybe once/quarter or so. In my family, that's done by the mom because it is related to my professional training and experience.

Sure you can automate paying utilities. But there's still work in setting it up, monitoring it, budgeting, assessing one-time purchases, changes as family finances change, etc etc etc. It was never just about opening the envelope and writing the checks.

Maybe it's because I'm a financial professional who does things like mock up my tax return at the end of the year to make sure we've paid in enough well before filing time - but none of these sound particularly time consuming or onerous. Again, I'm the mom.

Well yeah, you're a financial professional, so it's easier for you. I don't mind financial tasks (and I also double check my withholdings every year). But to examine one task in isolation is not the point. The point is that I do EVERYTHING administrative in the household. Every.Thing. All.The.Things.

If you are frustrated that you are doing All.The.Things. why don't you do something about it? Hand some things over to your spouse instead of just bitching about it.

And if he hands you stuff to do, do it.

Anonymous wrote:It's hard for me to relate to because my husband is by nature a caretaker. He likes to cook, he's more nurturing than I am. He's more emphatic. He tries harder. He's very involved in our kids' lives even though he is the breadwinner by far. For instance, I do all the activity drop offs but he does the pick ups. He oversees most homework and project assignments. He's much better with them when they're sick.

I am cleaner and tidier though. He can overlook crumbs and clutter that I can't. Also he'll just pile laundry around while I take the time to put it away.

Wow, this is the same as us!

I did used to do more kid related paperwork and then I just asked him one day to take over a few of the regular things and he...Just...did. So I'd say we're about even now. I count my lucky stars for now and pray for DH's continuing good health, lol.

Example: this morning got up early with the kids, made pancakes, nursed baby and played with them for 3 hours. Then I made DH a coffee, so he could have one after sleeping in until 10.
But now I'm off to take a long hot bath while baby sleeps and DH takes care of 4yo, while also making lunch. Later he'll take them both to the park and I'll either come with or nap, depending on mood. He'll probably make dinner while I do laundry and talk to a friend on the phone in the evening.

Anonymous wrote:I think this is very very common, and only moderately less common among my hyper progressive friends (man/woman couples). In my case, I think I achieve *something like* equality through a combination of my husband being extremely nurturing by nature, having only one kid and also working on this kind of background misogyny over many years before having a kid in the first place.

I definitely do the vast majority of high-level planning, and I loathe when women say “I like it this way because I have more control” or “it’s just my preference” without at least also noting that women are generally socialized to have paid attention to these details their whole lives.

But... in my case, this actually works out well, and with something like equity, because my husband does more than his share of *everything* else. So, I plan camps and doc appointments and keep track of my kid’s shoe size and literally pretty much everything like that— but my husband spends significantly more hands-on time with DC, is almost always the one to take time off work when she’s sick, handles 50-70% of drop offs and pickups, etc. AND— and I think this is important— he knows who her doctor is (and has taken her there when sick or injured), has input into camps and handles a lot of logistics, can figure out her shoe size without having to have his hand held, etc. He is a thoroughly competent parent and even took her on a multi-week international trip alone when she was 5 and had never spent 24 hours away from me... and I really didn’t worry at all. A trip which he planned completely (maybe I bought the plane tickets, but that’s it).

Basically I think we only have equal roles because he does more than 50% of everything besides the big picture planning. If that’s not the case for other women partnered with men, then you’re not remotely 50/50.

This sums up my relationship quite well, too. I'm more of the logistics coordinator, but DH is more of the "doer". He spends more time with the kids, takes them to more things, etc, even if I may be more likely to have actually scheduled the appointment, music class, etc.

I think this is very very common, and only moderately less common among my hyper progressive friends (man/woman couples). In my case, I think I achieve *something like* equality through a combination of my husband being extremely nurturing by nature, having only one kid and also working on this kind of background misogyny over many years before having a kid in the first place.

I definitely do the vast majority of high-level planning, and I loathe when women say “I like it this way because I have more control” or “it’s just my preference” without at least also noting that women are generally socialized to have paid attention to these details their whole lives.

But... in my case, this actually works out well, and with something like equity, because my husband does more than his share of *everything* else. So, I plan camps and doc appointments and keep track of my kid’s shoe size and literally pretty much everything like that— but my husband spends significantly more hands-on time with DC, is almost always the one to take time off work when she’s sick, handles 50-70% of drop offs and pickups, etc. AND— and I think this is important— he knows who her doctor is (and has taken her there when sick or injured), has input into camps and handles a lot of logistics, can figure out her shoe size without having to have his hand held, etc. He is a thoroughly competent parent and even took her on a multi-week international trip alone when she was 5 and had never spent 24 hours away from me... and I really didn’t worry at all. A trip which he planned completely (maybe I bought the plane tickets, but that’s it).

Basically I think we only have equal roles because he does more than 50% of everything besides the big picture planning. If that’s not the case for other women partnered with men, then you’re not remotely 50/50.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Curious who handles all the bills and finances of the household? In most I know it’s the dads, is that typical?

As we close in on the year 2020, there really shouldn't be that many bills to handle. You can pay for most things on credit cards and then autopay the full balance every month (obviously the cardholder should be looking through periodically to make sure the expenses are valid). Mortgage payments, utilities, etc. can be automated as well. Handling the overall financial picture is not something that requires day to day input either. Maybe once/quarter or so. In my family, that's done by the mom because it is related to my professional training and experience.

Sure you can automate paying utilities. But there's still work in setting it up, monitoring it, budgeting, assessing one-time purchases, changes as family finances change, etc etc etc. It was never just about opening the envelope and writing the checks.

Maybe it's because I'm a financial professional who does things like mock up my tax return at the end of the year to make sure we've paid in enough well before filing time - but none of these sound particularly time consuming or onerous. Again, I'm the mom.

Camp registration is just once a year, and while it is a busy season is probably on par to doing taxes and all the bills and account management.

We have many bills that we can’t automate (SACC, electric bill) and someone should still login every month and confirm nothing fishy. So it’s on a schedule and detail orientated similar to other mental load items, but I thought most DH manage it — but I guess not?

Yep.. DW here.. I do our taxes, and I also mockup my taxes and our retirement (we are self employed), including paying our estimated quarterly taxes. As a matter of fact, this week I will be doing our taxes for our business and personal. The one time I asked him to do the taxes, he missed a lot of stuff. It was a mess.

I also do ALL of the summer camps for all of our children. Most of our bills are paid online and scheduled. The few that aren't almost never gets paid by DH. It's me.

DH does almost nothing with our finances. I check the bank accounts. I move the money around as needed. I pay attention to how much we've contributed to our kids' college accounts. I also work FT. I know the kids' clothing and shoe size. For the longest time, DH didn't. He does now because I tell him to take the kids shoes shopping.

I also remind DH to change the house filter. I usually am the one who thinks about vacations and where to go. It's not that DH doesn't care where he goes; he does. But, most of the time, I am the one who researches and takes the initiative. One time he planned a trip when his sibling was over; we got to the destination, and after lunch, he looked at me and said, "So.. what should we do?" WTF? Yep.. I got mad. He planned the trip, so I assumed he looked at things for us to do. I told him if he had wanted me to look at things for us to do, he should've told me before we left. When we go on vacation, I go through the packing list with my kids -- though they pack their own stuff, they come to me and ask what should they pack and can I remind them what they might be missing.

There is almost nothing that DH reminds me to do. He does things when asked without complaint, but like the article, most of the mental load falls on me. I will give him credit for taking on all of DS's boy scout stuff. When he asks me to remind of him xyz later, I say, no.. I have too much to remember, and to put it on his calendar. I tell 14 yr old DS now the same thing.

I'm mentally tired. I've been having to remember things for myself, our kids, the house, etc.. for the past 14 years. I have a few more years to go, and them I'm done. My brain will be shut off for the at least a year.

Anonymous wrote:

One tale is about the mental load, such as summer camp regs, health forms, carpools, etc and how even after assigning a task to her DH he just blows it off until she does it

Oh please. Gimme a break with all this "mental load" bullshit. I, a mere "incompetent" man , have planned, executed, and paid for every aspect of my kid's lives for over a decade, including day care, what schools they will attend, after-care, summer camps, birthday parties, doctor's appointments, sports, music, making their lunches every day, making their dinners every night, doing their laundry, making sure they bathe and brush their teeth, buying clothes and shoes, arranging tutors, and helping with homework. It's not that hard. Or if it is really hard for you, you should ask yourself why you're so fragile. And if your husband doesn't help, why did you marry such a loser? Time for you to own your poor choices.

I knew I’d see a fragile “not me” man.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH does take on full mental load stuff, but he didn't when they were babies/little. I don't know what precipitated the change. It happened gradually when they were about 8 and 10. He started planning the whole summer of childcare and various sleepaway and day camps. He posted the job listings on the local college board, interviewed summer/school year nannies/mannies. Was the POC with them for years of driving logistics, and we had to get a new one nearly every year.

He has done all summer camp research, forms, pede visits, bookings, coordination with other parents for groups of friends to go to the same camp at the same time. For years. It is so amazing.

Now they are teens and we are in 2 busy carpools, one for school one for soccer. He handles ALL the annoying text exchanges for those - 6 families and all their changes and week to week random needs. It is so great.

I have no idea why or how. I just feel grateful.


Now they are 14 and 16 and he does SO much more than I do.

we’re in the middle of this transition as well at 8, although I still and will likely always do far more than DH. also I can’t really forgive him for being MIA for all those years. He also refuses to recognize that there was any issue.

The resent will build, and it can affect how you view and feel about him, which in turn, can affect your sex life. And then he will be on this forum wondering why you won't have sex with him.

Resentment can be a libido killer for many women.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

One tale is about the mental load, such as summer camp regs, health forms, carpools, etc and how even after assigning a task to her DH he just blows it off until she does it

Oh please. Gimme a break with all this "mental load" bullshit. I, a mere "incompetent" man , have planned, executed, and paid for every aspect of my kid's lives for over a decade, including day care, what schools they will attend, after-care, summer camps, birthday parties, doctor's appointments, sports, music, making their lunches every day, making their dinners every night, doing their laundry, making sure they bathe and brush their teeth, buying clothes and shoes, arranging tutors, and helping with homework. It's not that hard. Or if it is really hard for you, you should ask yourself why you're so fragile. And if your husband doesn't help, why did you marry such a loser? Time for you to own your poor choices.

Why so angry? I thought you said all of this was “not that hard.”

i dunno... maybe the fact you are basically calling him "good for nothing waste" has something to do with it

I handle probably 80-90% of the child-related tasks. Some are by choice (buying clothes) and some are because DH doesn't want to do it/won't do it and some are because it is important to me.

One thing that has worked for us is me delegating the things that he DOES care about (i care too) to him. Such as dental appointments. He is responsible for scheduling them, canceling transportation to school/daycare, and calling to let school/daycare know the kids will be late or picked up early. In the begining he would schedule and take them but i did all of the front end stuff like making phone calls. Not anymore. I told him that is part of the task. So he does it.

I find if i give him something HE Is in charge of with NO input from me, it goes much better. If DS has 3 birthday parties, i will give DH 1 of them that is his to figure out. RSVPing, shopping for the gift, drop off/pick up etc. He has really liked this aspect because he is not much of a shopper typically but loves taking DS to look for gifts for the party. It has been a great bonding experience and i take NO part in it, don't comment on the gift choice or how the gift is wrapped. I don't pick out a card or make sure anything is done. He does it.

This has helped us so much. He hated doing tasks where he felt i would micromanage him (and i likely was) and i hated having to micromanage him (felt i had to). When i gave him some autnomy he really excelled.

Now, he is a good dad and DH to start so that likely has some to do with it.

I don't get guys who run major departments and oversee dozens of staff but claim they can't handle taking their own kid to a party or getting him to a littl league game on time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Curious who handles all the bills and finances of the household? In most I know it’s the dads, is that typical?

As we close in on the year 2020, there really shouldn't be that many bills to handle. You can pay for most things on credit cards and then autopay the full balance every month (obviously the cardholder should be looking through periodically to make sure the expenses are valid). Mortgage payments, utilities, etc. can be automated as well. Handling the overall financial picture is not something that requires day to day input either. Maybe once/quarter or so. In my family, that's done by the mom because it is related to my professional training and experience.

Sure you can automate paying utilities. But there's still work in setting it up, monitoring it, budgeting, assessing one-time purchases, changes as family finances change, etc etc etc. It was never just about opening the envelope and writing the checks.

Maybe it's because I'm a financial professional who does things like mock up my tax return at the end of the year to make sure we've paid in enough well before filing time - but none of these sound particularly time consuming or onerous. Again, I'm the mom.

Well yeah, you're a financial professional, so it's easier for you. I don't mind financial tasks (and I also double check my withholdings every year). But to examine one task in isolation is not the point. The point is that I do EVERYTHING administrative in the household. Every.Thing. All.The.Things.

If you are frustrated that you are doing All.The.Things. why don't you do something about it? Hand some things over to your spouse instead of just bitching about it.

because he wouldn't do them, basically. he only does things that he, personally, cares about. which does not include a lot of things that actually need to get done, such as paying bills prior to going into collection, etc.

If he's truly bringing nothing to the table, why are you keeping him around? What are the things that he does do?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Curious who handles all the bills and finances of the household? In most I know it’s the dads, is that typical?

As we close in on the year 2020, there really shouldn't be that many bills to handle. You can pay for most things on credit cards and then autopay the full balance every month (obviously the cardholder should be looking through periodically to make sure the expenses are valid). Mortgage payments, utilities, etc. can be automated as well. Handling the overall financial picture is not something that requires day to day input either. Maybe once/quarter or so. In my family, that's done by the mom because it is related to my professional training and experience.

Sure you can automate paying utilities. But there's still work in setting it up, monitoring it, budgeting, assessing one-time purchases, changes as family finances change, etc etc etc. It was never just about opening the envelope and writing the checks.

Maybe it's because I'm a financial professional who does things like mock up my tax return at the end of the year to make sure we've paid in enough well before filing time - but none of these sound particularly time consuming or onerous. Again, I'm the mom.

Well yeah, you're a financial professional, so it's easier for you. I don't mind financial tasks (and I also double check my withholdings every year). But to examine one task in isolation is not the point. The point is that I do EVERYTHING administrative in the household. Every.Thing. All.The.Things.

If you are frustrated that you are doing All.The.Things. why don't you do something about it? Hand some things over to your spouse instead of just bitching about it.

because he wouldn't do them, basically. he only does things that he, personally, cares about. which does not include a lot of things that actually need to get done, such as paying bills prior to going into collection, etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Curious who handles all the bills and finances of the household? In most I know it’s the dads, is that typical?

As we close in on the year 2020, there really shouldn't be that many bills to handle. You can pay for most things on credit cards and then autopay the full balance every month (obviously the cardholder should be looking through periodically to make sure the expenses are valid). Mortgage payments, utilities, etc. can be automated as well. Handling the overall financial picture is not something that requires day to day input either. Maybe once/quarter or so. In my family, that's done by the mom because it is related to my professional training and experience.

Sure you can automate paying utilities. But there's still work in setting it up, monitoring it, budgeting, assessing one-time purchases, changes as family finances change, etc etc etc. It was never just about opening the envelope and writing the checks.

Maybe it's because I'm a financial professional who does things like mock up my tax return at the end of the year to make sure we've paid in enough well before filing time - but none of these sound particularly time consuming or onerous. Again, I'm the mom.

Well yeah, you're a financial professional, so it's easier for you. I don't mind financial tasks (and I also double check my withholdings every year). But to examine one task in isolation is not the point. The point is that I do EVERYTHING administrative in the household. Every.Thing. All.The.Things.

If you are frustrated that you are doing All.The.Things. why don't you do something about it? Hand some things over to your spouse instead of just bitching about it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Curious who handles all the bills and finances of the household? In most I know it’s the dads, is that typical?

As we close in on the year 2020, there really shouldn't be that many bills to handle. You can pay for most things on credit cards and then autopay the full balance every month (obviously the cardholder should be looking through periodically to make sure the expenses are valid). Mortgage payments, utilities, etc. can be automated as well. Handling the overall financial picture is not something that requires day to day input either. Maybe once/quarter or so. In my family, that's done by the mom because it is related to my professional training and experience.

Sure you can automate paying utilities. But there's still work in setting it up, monitoring it, budgeting, assessing one-time purchases, changes as family finances change, etc etc etc. It was never just about opening the envelope and writing the checks.

Maybe it's because I'm a financial professional who does things like mock up my tax return at the end of the year to make sure we've paid in enough well before filing time - but none of these sound particularly time consuming or onerous. Again, I'm the mom.

Well yeah, you're a financial professional, so it's easier for you. I don't mind financial tasks (and I also double check my withholdings every year). But to examine one task in isolation is not the point. The point is that I do EVERYTHING administrative in the household. Every.Thing. All.The.Things.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Curious who handles all the bills and finances of the household? In most I know it’s the dads, is that typical?

As we close in on the year 2020, there really shouldn't be that many bills to handle. You can pay for most things on credit cards and then autopay the full balance every month (obviously the cardholder should be looking through periodically to make sure the expenses are valid). Mortgage payments, utilities, etc. can be automated as well. Handling the overall financial picture is not something that requires day to day input either. Maybe once/quarter or so. In my family, that's done by the mom because it is related to my professional training and experience.

Sure you can automate paying utilities. But there's still work in setting it up, monitoring it, budgeting, assessing one-time purchases, changes as family finances change, etc etc etc. It was never just about opening the envelope and writing the checks.

Maybe it's because I'm a financial professional who does things like mock up my tax return at the end of the year to make sure we've paid in enough well before filing time - but none of these sound particularly time consuming or onerous. Again, I'm the mom.

Camp registration is just once a year, and while it is a busy season is probably on par to doing taxes and all the bills and account management.

We have many bills that we can’t automate (SACC, electric bill) and someone should still login every month and confirm nothing fishy. So it’s on a schedule and detail orientated similar to other mental load items, but I thought most DH manage it — but I guess not?

Anonymous wrote:Some of you chose bad husbands to marry. I'm the main parent 60% of the time. But I have an insanely flexible schedule so taking on more of the activities makes sense. DH does plenty without my asking. When I'm sick, he's the main parent 100% of the time. Does he do things exactly how I would? No. But DS is fed, safe, happy, and DH is involved with him. Not worth complaining about.

I don't believe that none of you knew that your husbands were going to make terrible coparents. Did they help out around the house before kids and then suddenly stop when the kids were born? I'm guessing no. They were probably always fairly uninvolved in daily life tasks.

The book addresses that: many couples are quite egalitarian before kids, with both spouses working and doing semi equal chores (DW always did more) but once kids were born, DH retreated, trying to claim more independent time and a life before kids, and that takes away time and inclination for household tasks